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My 2 Week Post-op After Losing Ryan

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I just got back from my 2 week post op check up with my doctor to see how I'm doing since my c-section. She briefly looked at my stitches (which by the way she said were healing very well) but most of the appointment we talked about how I was doing as well as some preliminary results from the autopsy and cord/placenta testing they did. Apparently the only thing they could find wrong with Ryan was that he had a virus call CMV. Its a very common virus and something like 60-80% of American's already have it, and its commonly picked up in hospitals or childcare centers. Guess what my job is...I'm a PreK teacher. According to research babies who acquire this virus in utero can often go on to live perfectly normal lives, or in the least be born healthy and eventually show small (usually insignificant) signs of having the virus. Unfortunately, in my case, a small number of babies can be miscarried or stillborn because of the virus. I have to go back in after my 6 week check up and get a blood test to see for sure whether I have that virus. All I can think now is I choose to work with kids - because I love working with kids...and what do I get?? I lose my baby. I blame myself even more now...how can I not? Even if it wasn’t in my control, in the end that was MY baby, and he was in ME...no one else could protect him but me and apparently I couldn't do that. I am also furious at the fact that this virus is so common and can cause such damage if picked up during pregnancy and yet doctors don’t test for it and they don’t warn patients about it. All I would have had to have been told is to be extremely careful at work around urine and saliva. Taking 100x more precautions than I already take could have saved my son but no one told me there was such a virus and that I needed to be concerned about it. This is something that everypregnant women should be told.

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Well maybe statistically speaking this wasn't something for you to be concerned about. If Dr's told us about everything that could possible occur during pregnancies.. no matter how miniscule the odds are that they would happen.... all expectant couples would probably be overly worried. And being overly worried, in itself, has risks. Yes it is a virus more commonly found in daycare or school settings... but.... only in a "small number of cases" will a baby be miscarried.

How many pregnant women across this country, do you think, have contact with schools or day care centers? My guess is.. quite a few.

I blame myself even more now...how can I not?

I think this is just one of those very rare incidences that really... really.. you could have done nothing to prevent. It just happened.

As with most of us here... we too go over every little detail of our loved ones illnesses & passing.. thinking what could we have done to prevent this?? What could we have done differently that would have led to a different outcome?? How could we have prevented their death? Many, many of us think these things. It is just part of the grieving process. Most of us over time come to accept that there really WAS nothing we could have done to have a our loved ones still here. And personally I think having a child die by miscarriage can make attaining letting go of that guilt and moving on to acceptance a bit more challenging. Not impossible.... just a bit more challenging.

There is another wonderful website expressly for those who have lost a child to miscarriage or afterwards. The site is called Silent Grief. You can find it here: http://www.silentgrief.com/

And here is an article from there about letting go of this guilt that is so very common. Hope it helps.



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Dear RyansMom,

I have heard of CMV. The same thing happened to my step daughter at 8 months. It was horrible and unexpected and she, too, worked with children at a pediatric dentist. I agree with Leann, that if we were warned about every possible thing that could go wrong during pregnancy, we would be frantic. I have also felt for a long time, that if the Drs. would at least warn those that do work with young children of the risks, they could offer the test as a precaution. Now that they know, I can tell you they will watch and test and do everything in the future to help you deliver a healthy baby. I realize that does no good in helping you deal with the loss you have experienced. I wish the outcome for my daughter would have been so different, also. We planned on raising our daughters together. We dreamed of them being best friends. I held my little Amanda for just a few minutes and I have a sense of your devastation.

I am very sorry you have to go through this. Please don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.

When I first saw my husband after he had been brought to the funeral home, he had a very different sort of smile on his face, one I had never seen before. I asked if they did that to him, and they said he came that way. In my heart, I believe it was the smile he had at seeing his little granddaughter again. Only this time, they were able to talk and play and spend happy times together. Some day, you will hold little Ryan again, too. Until then, please be gentle with yourself.



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