Despair

[Shan1969]

Hi! I';m new to this. I lost my father on Sept 9th of this year. The grief and loss that I am feeling is almost unbearable. I am 35 yrs old. I've been married to my second husband for 2 yrs. I am at a total loss. My husband doesnt understand nor does he try to. My father was 61 and it is truly broken my heart. I just cant seem to get it together. I loved this man so very much and thought that he was the most amazing person in the world and I feel that I am left here in a world alone even though I have two children. Nobody seems to understand the feelings that I have. I cant seem to go on and everything I do or anyone else just seems to annoy and agravate me.

[charley]

Hi shan,

I totally understand how you feel. I lost my dad in 99 and my mum died indec 03. I am 24. My otherhalf isn't close to his parents and while he tries to understand he says that he doesn't understand and that if his parents died he would be upset but would get over it. I don't think that he understands that it is a constant battle for me to go. I miss my parents so much,expecially my mum as it is coming up to the 1 year anniversary of her death.

I can't help but think of all the things they will miss out on.

Have you got any close friends you can talk to? I confide in a few friends that seems to help me.

Thinking of you,

Charley

[Shan1969]

Hi Charley,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do talk to some friends but I think if you havent lost someone that you were that close with then its hard for them to understand.

My husband doesnt understand at all. He says the same thing as yours, that its something he could get over. He says life goes on. Well, I realize that but it doesnt make it any easier. I had moved out of state two years ago when I married my husband and its been hard to know that the last two years of his life I was gone. I only seen them on holidays and once in the summers. I just feel so bad.

[MartyT]

Dear Shan,

I’m so sorry for your loss, and sorry too that you’ve having such a difficult time obtaining some level of understanding from your husband. Unfortunately when we are grieving, we are especially raw and vulnerable, and the insensitivity of those around us can add to the unbearable pain and isolation we may be feeling already.

I want to offer you a tool that you and others who are reading this may find helpful. What follows is a simple letter that you can copy and give to your husband – and to anyone else you think may need to read it. It’s a simple but effective way to convey to others what you may be feeling at this sad and difficult time.

My dear family and friends,

I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss.

I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.

I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.

I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.

Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year.

Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief.

If you, by chance, have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But, I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again.

Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure.

Sincerely,

I also want to share with you a wonderful piece by Terry Kettering that originally appeared in Bereavement Magazine, and that I later found reprinted in Ann Landers’ Column (Arizona Republic, February 12, 2000)

The Elephant in the Room

There’s an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet, we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine”. . .

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else —

except the elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.

It is constantly on our minds,

For you see, it is a very big elephant.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please, say ‘Barbara’ again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,

Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say ‘Barbara’ and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me

Alone . . . in a room . . .

With an elephant.

Finally, I am attaching an insightful article by Bob Baugher entitled I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been – Can We Talk about My Loved One?

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

IDontCareHowLongItsBeenCanWeTalkAboutMyLovedOne.doc

[Shan1969]

Thank you so very much for that. I copied it and sent it to my sister for my mom.

I'm really glad I joined here and just to tell someone how I feel.

Thanks again,

Shan