Really, Really Bad.

[emptyinside]

I've been having a bad day. It started yesterday or maybe the day before that, so actually I've had a couple of bad days. I've been feeling extremely alone and insecure. I look at my life, which I didn't have a single problem with before my favorite person went away, and am thinking it sucks to a point that it can't be repaired. Because I look at the people I admire, and their lives have things that I just simply can't have. I see people who are surrounded by huge loving families, and see that most of my family's in another country (and they bicker a lot). I have best friends who love me, but they have siblings and close extended family, unlike me, and when push comes to shove, I'm not their family since I'm not blood. I never worried about these things before, but now it's like I've adopted new eyes and they're much more negative. I start to think things like, "Wow, when my mom goes, I'm all alone, really, and I'll be spending holidays all by myself since it's just me now." I have "close" cousins who call me their siblings, but then I think, "Am I really to them? Maybe they're just being nice." And they live so far away, so they're probably just being nice. After my dad went away, one of my close cousins (she lacks tact, in my opinion, but maybe it's a cultural divide or something lost in her limited English) told me, "I feel so sorry for you. Your life is miserable now. I look at you and feel so sorry for you." I was surprised because for most of my life people have been saying what a charmed life I have. Now my dad is gone, his leaving fracturing everything, my life is poor now? She feels so sorry for me? I waved her comments off, but suddenly, recently, I began obsessing over what she said. It has burrowed in my head, and suddenly I honestly feel like ending my life. I'm thinking, "She's right. I'm pitiful." I'm so miserable and insecure now I can't even describe it. I look at my cousin, who is a lot older than I am and still has BOTH her parents, who lives with 5 family members (she's surrounded by people), and imagine what I must look like to her. She PITIES me. I don't think she ever pitied me before, but now my dad's gone, she PITIES me. And she told me she's so happy she's not me because she still has both her parents, whom she lives with. She hugged me a lot, took me everywhere, did a lot of nice things for me, but those comments are haunting me. I've had aspirations for a certain career since I was little, and was on my way, but now I see I can't possibly do it now. I don't have my biggest cheerleader with me anymore, and NONE of my idols in the field have sad lives like mine. I really think I just can't do life anymore. I'm so alone! Even when I'm talking to my best friends I'm alone. A little voice that I never had in my head before now second guesses everything and puts a negative spin on EVERYTHING. "Your old friends are just talking to you now because they pity you, just like your cousin. Once they get sick of your depression from losing your dad they'll leave." I can't get my cousin's comments (made months ago!) out of my mind all of a sudden! Should I talk to her about them...should I tell her they've really been bothering me all of a sudden? Maybe I should ask her so she can clarify or tell me she didn't mean them exactly the way she meant it? I don't know why they're suddenly bothering me so much now. I really can't do this anymore.

[Rachael_NI]

Hi there, I'm sorry I don't know your name...

it sounds like you are going through a really tough time, and I can understand exactly what it is like to feel so alone, its the most difficult feeling we have to contend with in life...

I just want to say that everything in your life has changed, and a death of a parent will undoubtedly [in my opinion] make you re-examine everything in your life, including your future direction. I mentioned in a previous post about when you loose a parent, its almost like you have to learn to re-parent yourself in a way, and that takes time. When you said about your number 1 cheerleader not being there for you, well, not in the flesh no, but he is there as an ongoing memory in your head and heart, always, and all you have to do is think about what HE would say to you anytime you doubt yourself.... 'how would dad encourage me now?' 'What would dad day to comfrot me?' Please don't say you have a sad life! Your life is not sad, you are sad, and you are sad for one of the most understandable reasons there is, loosing a parent. Please try to have some grace and compassion for yourself for this major life change your are having to now adjust to.

The comments your cousin made, only you know if it is right to bring them up with her, but I am pretty sure she would not have meant it in a pitiful way, rather a sympathetic way, and that she was trying to let you know that she sincerely feels for you, and perhaps makes her appreciate her own parents more. If you feel you want to talk to her, then do. If these comments have resurfaced in your mind, then perhaps now you have reached the stage of grief where part of you is really feeling this for yourself, and that is in no way meant to be derogatory, its completely ok to feel this. Why shouldn't you feel this for yourself? What an awful thing you have had to go through.

You say about the little voice in your head that puts a negative spin on everything - I know all about that. But it is just one perspective of your mind, you need to catch it and replace it with a nurturing and supportive voice. To me [and from my own personal experience] it sounds like you are describing that when your dad left [the nurturing support person] that nurturing and supportive role left your life completely and this negative viewpoint has taken over. But somewhere inside that voice lives on, and what you can do for youself now is to learn to reclaim it.

I'd also like to say that in my past experiences of wanting to not go on anymore and end it all - I have learnt [the hard way], that at those times it was the inner child part of me that was hurting and really wanted nothing more than my mother or father to put their arms around me and tell me it was all going to be ok, but I didn't have them, and I used to focus on this and how awful and alone I was - that just drove me further into the pits of despair. It was like the part of me that felt abandoned - I was abandoning it even more by not being there to comfort myself. So it is about learning to comfort and re-parent yourself... again just imagine what your parent would say to comfort you in this situation and say it to yourself, over and over and over again. Its about learning to be there for yourself, I think when people feel suicidal it is because not only to they feel abandoned, but they are abandoning themselves as well, when really the only thing that is needed is to learn to comfort yourself. Its like you are splitting your own energy and going against yourself when really what you need is to be at one with yourself and be there and sit with that pain. So many times I have been there, just wanting anyone to be there for me, and they weren't and I wasn't being there supporting myself either. Instead of looking outside yourself, it is time to learn to nurture and support yourself, and the internalised voices of your parents can help, and they will always be there, they can never be taken away from you. Any person in this world can be taken away from you, but you can never be taken away from yourself. And feeling suicidal is when you are trying to abandon yourself too, or that hurt part of yourself. And by the way, I am not perfect, sometimes I still get caught up in this old pattern, but I am slowly learning how to support myself - and you can too.

I wish someone would come and take away all the pain and do all the nurturing and support stuff for me, but it isn't going to happen! Certainly we have friends and family to rely on to a certain extent, but I believe the best thing we can do is to learn to support ourselves from within... you CAN do this, and you will... in the meantime, as you learn, try to surround yourself with the most support and comforting things and people that you can. And remember that you won't always feels this way - you will get through this.

I would like to recommend a book that has helped me - When Parents Die by Rebecca Abrams. It explains a lot of the behaviours we may experience in ourselves and brings understanding at a time of confusion.

Sending you blessings, you are not alone... be gentle with yourself and keep posting on this board, it is a good support.

Rachael.

[kdevil]

I know what you are going though.I just lost two relatives in 13 days an uncle that was like my father and my brother-in-law.We were very close and now I feel like there is no one there fore me.The thing is I have a big family some are closer than others.My sister is by herself with two young girls in Florida.All I can do is think why do I feel so alone when they just lost everything husband,father and there home. So I know what you are feeling.When you say you feel alone. You said that when your mom goes you be all lone.Well I have been taking care of my mother alone for the 7 years and when she goes I will have no one for me. Kdevil