Pearls Of Wisdom - Not!

[Boo Mayhew]

These are things that a couple of my work colleagues have said to me in the past week.

#1. "Everything happens for a reason. At least you are young. It could be worse."

What I thought: REALLY? Like, that means I have more years ahead of me to be miserable in. Or ... are you insinuating that I should go clubbing and pick someone up because I still can? What could be worse than losing my heart, my love and my life?

What I actually said/did: "mmmm."

#2. "I know you have been through your own tragedy recently but my son got two years in prison. I feel like he is dead".

What I thought: Thank God I read "Companion Through the Darkness" where the author describes how someone responds to her losing her husband with, "really, oh that's dreadful, my mother lost her breast to breast cancer" and she then thinks to herself ..."you are comparing losing a tit to losing a husband". She has a dark sense of humour as I do, so I thought about tits and husbands and tried not to smirk, then thought, "you are stupid ... you are actually standing in front of me, comparing a two year prison sentence to me losing my husband".

What I actually said/did: "mmmmm"

I know that we cannot possibly expect the untouched to know or understand, but if they are that clueless, can't someone just gag them when they come near me.

Another friend has suggested that I collect all these pearls of wisdom and publish them ... perhaps I could call it "Boo's boobs" (geddit? ;-)

I agree with the book I read ... they are "amateurs" as she calls them, and I want to scream at them ... "I've lost my mother and father, and this is like losing them both x 1000. That was bad, but in comparison to this, it was CHICKEN FEED. Don't compare or demean what I am going through BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T KNOW and I pray that you never ever will."

Has anyone else had to tolerate any of these inane comments?

[Mossfire]

You are not alone with the pearls of wisdom. I lost my husband January 1 of this year and actually I found that not listening to what the people are saying isbest is the best. I listen whole heartedly to my grief conselor, my Bodtalk person and let everyone else's advice just go over my head. I do agree with you that losing one's parents is chicken feed compared to losing your spouse since I too havel ost both my parents. My mother 19 years ago and my father 2-1/2. At least I still have my mother and father in-law. I think you should gather those pearls and maybe share them in group sessions??

[MartyT]

Boo, dear, it's true: You most certainly are in good company. See, for example, the posts in this thread: They Don't Get It

See also the very lively discussion that occurred in this particular thread: Losing a Spouse is Not the Same as Losing A Parent

[marsha]

Boo - Do I detect a little sense of humor lurking in your post? Good for you - I had a good one very soon after Joe died. One of our customers (we own a deli, or should I say I??) came in and asked where Joe was. I told her, and she looked at me and said, "I know just how you feel - I had to put my dog down." I was speechless, and I'm never speechless. I have to say, I haven't gotten any comments about going out and dating again. Maybe they think I'm too old (53) LOL!! I've lost both my parents as well, along with my sister in law and mother and father in law. Sometimes I feel like I'm the last one standing! As far as inane comments, I've gotten quite good at giving "the look". As in, please shut up and go away. Hugs, Marsha

[LarrysGirl]

Boo, each of us on this site could write a book on the stupid things that have been said. A friend said to me shortly after Larry's death, "do you think you'll ever have sex again?" Huh, do you actually think that had crossed my mind the first couple of weeks after he died!!! And before everyone screams at me people who haven't lost a spouse don't understand, I still say thats no excuse for being ignorant.

Marsha, I think I can picture that face you make at people, I think I'll try that one out next time!! Deborah

[marsha]

Deb - sex? what's that?? just had to add that one! Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Okay, I have one I think can top them all...and he meant well, but my x-bro-in-law wrote me after George died and said he understood how he felt cuz he lost his bird. His bird???!!! THEN I found out his bird was only missing for a day and had come back!!! Bless his heart, I think he was over-trying to relate...

I think we had a thread once on stupid things people say, it seems we've all encountered them. We have to accept that they mean well and chalk it up to true ignorance...and be glad they ARE ignorant, otherwise it'd mean they are in our boat and we wouldn't wish that on anyone!

Too bad we don't have Art Linkletter to do a sequel..."People say the stupidest things!"

[carrieboo]

I know its frustrating when people say stupid things to you...but thanks for this post, it really made me laugh when I needed it. A book should be published about all this stuff so people can read about "what NOT to say" to those greiving.

I used to get irritated with people telling me I look like I'm doing well, or I look good....well thanks, I didnt' realize I'd looked like crap before...do you think I really care what I look like after going through (what feels like) hell?

Also, after my fiance passed (his friend was with him but survived, and thus we became closer friends), his friend's girlfriend called me up after they broke up and told me she was so upset she felt it were the same as if he had died as well....I was speechless....

But comparing losing your dog/bird? Wow, it made me laugh.

Thanks, xo

[MartyT]

Once again, I want to caution all of us against engaging in any sort of comparison of one person's loss to that of another. What really matters is the attachment we feel to what has been lost, among many other factors. I strongly encourage everyone who's posted here to take the time to read every single post in this earlier thread: Losing a Spouse Is Not The Same As Losing a Parent.

[carrieboo]

Once again, I want to caution all of us against engaging in any sort of comparison of one person's loss to that of another. What really matters is the attachment we feel to what has been lost, among many other factors. I strongly encourage everyone who's posted here to take the time to read every single post in this earlier thread: Losing a Spouse Is Not The Same As Losing a Parent.

I agree, My fiance's mother often compared her loss of her son as worse than mine...while I can never understand the pain she (they) must be feeling, is it right for her to compare her loss to mine? I could not even reply to that statement...

[kayc]

Marty,

That's a good point. I don't think, however, that having your bird missing for a day comes close to having your husband die. I do know people who have grieved heavily for their pets, even a year later, so I'd never demean their loss, I understand, I love animals myself and have some I will always miss. However, losing a spouse encompasses loss in so much more ways than a pet does. I cannot relate to some people's losses (say a parent) because my relationship to mine is very different than theirs is with their parents. However, the same can be said of spouses. I know of some who are relieved their spouse died because the relationship was so toxic. The truth is, whatever out type of loss, the more that person/pet, etc. meant to us and affected us, the greater the loss will be to endure and adjust to. People need to be sensitive to each other's losses and feeling and not try to compare in thier effort to relate.

[Chinook]

This line says it all: People need to be sensitive to each other's losses and feeling and not try to compare in thier effort to relate. People always try to compare your loss to something of theirs. Sometimes people just need to listen which they don't. My Mom is saying there is something wrong with me because I am still mourning and crying here and there over my pet ferret, Nikomi. As one counselor told me once, we are not Toyota's coming off a assembly line, everyone is different and we all grieve in own way. Grieving has no time line.

[kayc]

Chinook,

When did you lose your ferret? My girlfriend lost her dog a year ago and is still grieving over him, but she was extremely close to him, she's single, and even though she has other pets, none take the place of another unique animal in our lives. I think one of the reasons we say losing a husband doesn't compare to other losses is there are unique way husbands/wives depend upon each other that don't necessarily happen in other relationships, at least not to that degeee. We depend upon one another for financial support, chores, things we can't do and the other can, we join our families and sometimes that changes upon death, we depend upon one another emotionally and socially, as well as that person is our lover and romantic partner. They were the person that made you feel like a woman (or man as it may be), the person that showed you appreciation. They are the one you shared your holidays and weekends with, the one you greeted in the morning and talked over your day with at night. That is a pretty unique void to leave! I know if I lost my dog it would leave a horrible hole in my life, he's almost become my reason for living, he's the one who gives me an excited greeting every night and fills up my hours when I'm off work, I've fallen in to a routine with him, walking him every morning and every night. He is fun to play with and I love his ever ready smile. But it would not be the same as having lost my husband, nothing would. I would not worry about what other people think with regards to the loss of your ferret, if you grieve the rest of your life, what is that to them? I have a dog that passed away years ago that I will ALWAYS miss and wish he were here, the grieving isn't as intense as it was in the beginning, I've learned to live with it, but the love I have for him will never diminish no matter how many dogs I have afterwards.

Loss is loss, and it's something each of us has to work through in our own ways and own time.

[Boo Mayhew]

I hope my original post didn't offend anyone, and I assumed (dangerously) that only widows and widowers would read it

Glad that I made some of you smile ... am thinking of starting a blog (therapeutic for me and MIGHT help others in their future losses?)

I laughed out loud about the bird going missing for a day!!!!!!!!!! VERY LOUD, and work in open plan office!

Please take the post in the spirit it was intended - with a touch of dark humour.

Finally, just thought I would share with you that when we lost our Rottweiler (called Hammer) from old age (in my arms) on December 26th 3 years ago, Cliff and I mourned for him so deeply and we were so raw. We actually shut out the world for 2 weeks as we only wanted each others company and we just had to cry lots and lots. He was such a special smart dog - but he was a person to us, and it was always "us three" so when he died our hearts literally broke and I think I was depressed for the following 12 months and didn't really realize it at the time. One day in the distant future some archaeologist will dig up his remains and conclude that he was a royal or important dog as he was buried with all his toys and teddy bears (one whole big black bin liner full when I collected them up), wrapped in his favourite blue soft blankets, with his feeding bowls and water bowl (that you could have bathed a baby in!), all his food, his own sausages, burgers, cookies, meatballs, etc etc, even his homeopathic eye drops and a whole (huge) turkey that we cooked just for him for Christmas. Cliff even put some food in each bowl, so he had a "viking burial" kind of. I didn't mean to demean the loss of a pet or a parent ... I was just sounding off and injecting some British sarcasm and my dark sense of humour into the post - hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings

Please carry on adding your own "pearls of wisdom" - I know it will help me to tolerate future "stupid advice" :-)

Boo

x

[fred]

Morning Boo,

You don´t need to apologize for offending someone that doesn´t know what it is like to lose a spouse. We widowers and you widows need some place to be able to say whatever we feel or need to ask. Some place where everyone will allow us to work through our own grief in whatever way is necessary. This is that place. If someone from outside of our world takes offense, then they shouldn´t be in here reading about our thoughts and experiences. At times I have gotten angry at some of the insensitive or inane comments these people have posted and thought that perhaps there should be a way of excluding them, but I know that, in their own way, they are grieving whatever loss they have had and need to express themselves as well. Please don´t censor or try to hold back your feelings or comments. The only way forward is to experience what we have to and get it out of our systems when necessary. Your grief is still new and raw, you are the most important person you need to look after right now. Take care. (( Hugs)) and prayers

[AnnieO]

Boo,

Back to the "pearls of wisdom"...here's mine.

My parents died within 10 months of eachother. I had someone say to me, "well, at least you got it over with close together.Now you won't have to go thru losing them later or putting them in a nursing home, one at a time" . I too, had nothing to say in repsonse .

[Guest moparlicious]

Boo,

I had to post here. I wanted to share what was said to me a few months after Dan died. A former friend said, "you should get over it", I am still trying to define what IT is. I keep wondering was she actually referring to my love of my life, the father of our children, my heart and soul as a IT? I no longer have this friend in my life and pray with all my heart her It day never comes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some people just make me so mad. Peace to all. Love, Kim

[MartyT]

Kim, I don't know if you've read this article, but it certainly fits with your post: You Should Be Over "IT"

[Boo Mayhew]

Thanks so much Fred, I thought I had replied to you earlier, but I must have pressed the "preview" button instead of "post reply"!

Thanks for sending your warm words of reassurance. I feel like the world is an ugly place right now, but then I receive a message like yours and it's like a tiny glimmer of light is struggling to shine through the darkness and I realize that one day, slowly I will be able to look at the world and see the beauty again.

I totally agree with your sentiments and then I thought on it some more and remembered that when I first joined the board, I strayed onto the "parents" and "pets" areas desperately searching for some enlightenment, help or something (I didn't know what I was looking for and it took a while for it to dawn on me that I wasn't going to find it ... it's a journey that I have to go on). Anyhow, what I am trying to say is I guess others will do what I did, so my learning from this is not to feel bad, and make the most of this permission that you are automatically awarded when you lose your husband/wife to be selfish and say what you feel etc, BUT to read the post before I click on "post reply" and just ask myself one thing. Could what I have written hurt someone who is already hurting beyond what anyone should have to endure. If I think it's ok, click on "post reply". I won't hold back, but I can word stuff so that it's less scathing (was having an angry / sarcastic type of day!!)

I have just started a blog, so I will let rip there and share the link with all you guys on the spouse board when it's a bit more populated.

thanks again Fred, sending you a big fat hug across the Atlantic

x

[kayc]

Boo,

I enjoy your posts, they are very "real" and you express yourself well. I think it's important that we say what we are feeling and going through, that's why this forum means so much to me.

[Boo Mayhew]

Thanks everyone, I feel like you are all part of my extended family now, even though I will never meet you in person! This board means so much to me and so do all your posts and replies.

Hugs

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi all,

I just had to share this "Pearl of Wisdom" As some of you know my other half left this earth 6 weeks ago today. My boss is very unsupportive, which I've beed angry at but now I feel he is just clueless. I came into work today, my eyes all red(surprise) and he looks up at me and then does a double take. He processed to say, "Wow, you are really losing weight" How much have you lost? Keep in mind I'm 5'7" and weighted 160. I didn't need to loose a ton. I told him I didn't know haven't bothered to get on a scale. He breaks out in a dazzling smile, very happy and says, "So, tell me, how did you do this? Who have you met?

I looked at him in shock and said it's GRIEF, mourning you know. And I haven't met nor do I intend to anyone. By the way you know it's 6 weeks today right?

I can't believe this man is 44 years old ans so clueless.

thanks for letting me share

[mrspapajohn]

Davidsgirl - - I would have been hard-pressed not to draw off and smack him one. My darling Stephen died 3 months ago today and i do believe that I'd lose it if some one said that to me. If you can, get him to read a little of Boo's Blog. It has helped some other people in my life (although not such boors as your boss) understand me a litt le better.

Kathy

[marsha]

Daid's girl- Yeah, the grief diet. Your boss sounds like a complete a--hole, sorry, but he does. I saw my ex boss and his wife ( who I think is secretly anorexic!) in the local hardware store a couple of months ago, and she said, You look great! I went down to 106 pounds, at 5' 8" - trust me, I didn't look "great". What was she thinking? What is your boss thinking? What the hell is wrong with people? The only thing I can think is that they've never gone through any kind of loss in their lives. Peace be to them when they do. I agree with Kathy on the smacking him upside his head! (At least you can fantisize about it!) Hugs, Marsha

[Boo Mayhew]

LOL. There's nothing I can say to that. Astonishing!!!! I have to add this to my blog (without your name of course) if you will give me permission.

Boo,

Back to the "pearls of wisdom"...here's mine.

My parents died within 10 months of eachother. I had someone say to me, "well, at least you got it over with close together.Now you won't have to go thru losing them later or putting them in a nursing home, one at a time" . I too, had nothing to say in repsonse .