I Miss My Mom So Very Much

[JamesI]

I was very dedicated to my mom. I was very close to my mom. I was caregiver to her for about 8 years. My father had died 10 years ago and I told my mother that I would always be there for her. She was doing well for the 1st two years after my father had passed. Mom had diabetes, but, it was under control. She later had a mild heart attack which was treated with medication and was later diagnosed with dementia. She was doing well and always looked good, was always happy and she did not look her age. It came to a point where I needed some help and we were able to have a few health care workers during the day. I would supervise and be on top of everything, her medication, her doctor appointments. For a few years I was not working, but, then I worked part-time which worked out ok and the health care workers filled in when I was at work. I took over in the afternoon and at night. I took my mom everywhere. She had her hair done on a regular basis at the beauty parlor and the health care worker would also do her hair.

We went out to eat all the time. I took her on vacation with me. We were best friends. Everyone knows how close and dedicated we were to each other. Even the doctors were amazed and always told me so and I know that I did a good job. Its just that in the last 4 months, I needed to get a full time job and it turned out to be a stressful job with too many hours and I was planning to leave this job, but, I thought had time, but, I did not.

Mom had fallen in her bedroom or the living room numerous times, but, she kind of had 9 lives. She was tough and always sprung back. Mom fell once again walking out of her bedroom on Dec 14, 2008 and this time she acquired a compression fracture and she said she hit her head. She was checked at the hospital the next day and they said her head was ok... She took some medication and was healing slowly. She was getting around with the walker prior to her fall and would sometimes walk without the walker, holding on to the wall, with someone also holding her arm. We never really left her alone, but, that evening, she decided to get up, and she fell.

Anyway, a week after her fall, we were concerned that her blood pressure had dropped and she went to the hospital and they kept her there for a few hours because her sugar level was low too. She had a doctor visit a few days later and he found her heart ok and checked her lumbar region where the fracture was. He prescribed Physical Therapy at home and she received that therapy for about a month. We were very careful with Mom and would use the wheelchair to transport her to her bed and the bathroom and to the living room. She was able to stand and move her legs, so we were able to get her into the bathroom to get her washed and dressed. We slowly re-introduced the walker back into her routine, so she could walk again and we hold her from behind to make sure she did not fall. She was not fully recovered. She did continue to improve and she was able to walk with assistance outside, holding the railing, and walk down the stoop. We would then let her use the wheelchair for awhile and started with the walker outside also. I did not want to take her out unless it was really necessary, because I wanted her to heal fully.

I believed it was important for her to see an orthopedic doctor to check her progress and do an mri on her spine. I scheduled an appointment with her diabetes doctor and the orthopedic doctor on the same day because they were near each other. This was on a Friday. The orthopedic doctor said she had two fractures and one was healed, but, the other one was still healing. He prescribed more Physical therapy. That Monday, March 16,2009, I brought her to the dentist, because she broke one of her front teeth. Now I feel guilty, because I feel that maybe I was overdoing it with her. She was due to see the Cardiologist on April 2nd and I should have brought her to him sooner. I keep thinking, maybe he would have caught something. With all my dedication and attentiveness, I missed some things and I blame myself for taking this lousy job. Besides the stress of the job and the hours, it affected my judgement and I blame myself for not being more attentive to my mothers condition.

Mom woke up on March 18, 2009 and she had her eyes open with no response. With the dementia, she used to be out of it, but, would then be herself. This was different. One of her arms was limp. I placed her in the wheel chair and she remained in sort of semi concious state. I tried to talk to her, but, she would not respond. Her eyes were open, but, no response. She had some sort of seizure or attack and I called emergency and she was taken to the hospital. She was at the hospital for 2 days. She had cardiac arrest on March 19, 2009 and passed away on March 20, 2009.

My father passed away 10 years ago on March 20, 1999 and mom passed away 10 years later on March 20, 2009.

Some people are saying that my father was calling her, but, I don't know what to make of it. Could it be a coincidence?

I returned to that lousy job today, March 30, 2009, after 10 days of my mom's passing and it was a very emotional time for me. I need the money, but, I do not want to get sick either. I hope I can stick it out until I find another job. It is very difficult. I think of my mother all the time. It seems to be easier at night. I sleep ok and I do eat, but, during the day, it is very difficult.

My older brother and I have inherited the house and we want to hold on to it for awhile, but, we have fincancial issues to work out. My brother and I are from two different worlds, but, we are trying to get along at this difficult time.

I need to find another job and I feel like I need to get away for awhile. I have so many mixed thoughts and feelings.

All I know is that I loved my mother very much and I miss her very much. I used to say to her, Mom, I love you so much and she would say, I know, I love you too, sweetheart.

Let me tell you.. It does not matter how old you are. You never want to let go of a loved one,especially your mother.

My Mom was 87 and I know we were blessed to have her so long, but, she looked so good and healthy and she made so many people happy. We thought she would be around for a few more years.

I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me...

Thank you all for being there!

[mlg]

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Maybe your dad was calling your mom to come to him that day and in a way how neat that is. We never know or understand about the date. There was a little boy I took care of who died at the exact time of his birth on his birthday so his headstone just has the date and time.

I cannot figure out how you do well in the evening but have a hard time at work because if you read most of the past posts most people on here are just the opposite, but don't try to put yourself in a pigeon hole. Each of us grieves differently and thats part of what makes it so difficult because no 2 situations are the same so they can't be treated the same.

You definitely have the coulda, shoulda, woulda syndrome that most grieving people have. I don't know why we do that to ourselves but it is all too familiar to probably everyone here. No matter what we did or how we did it, couldn't we have done it better or should we have done it differently. The fact is no matter what we did they were still going to die and that is just not acceptable.

Do you have vacation time where you work? Even if you could just take a long weekend to do what you feel you need to do maybe that would help you. Just don't rush in to anything at this point.

Just keep coming here and the wonderful people here will help you whether it be directly or because you look for a particular topic from past posts.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[JamesI]

Thank you for your thoughts... I am hoping to get away for the weekend or an extended weekend which may help... I just keep getting emotional during the day at times.. It really hurts.. It seems that when I leave from work to drive home.. it hits me all at once.. I talk to different people on the phone which seems to help, but, they are not always available.