Brand New - Having A Rough Time W/loss Of Cat

[wolfman645]

Hi all - just signed up for this board because the loss of my cat Oscar has hit me like a ton of bricks. .Furthermore, I feel like this is a private hell because I don't feel as though I can really share my true feelings with anyone. My wife and son were not as close to this cat, as he was my cat from before my marriage.

Last monday evening we had to put Oscar down. He had lymphoma which was diagnosed about 6 months ago. He got so thin and weak, down to about 4 1/2 pounds. I had him for almost 18 years ever since he was about 4 weeks old. We had such a special bond and I have been crying several time a day. I feel depressed, I'm not eating as much and I'm losing weight.

One would think I would be fine because I still have my lovely wife and 7 year old son, as well as 4 other cats and a dog. None the lesss I am still completely devastated.

I'm really wondering if my feelings are normal and if I will get over this.

I thank all of you in advance who take the time to listen to me.

Andy

[Rameyw]

Andy,

So sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is normal. I lost my mare over 3 1/2 years ago and still have days that feel like she just left me. I had 12 other horses in the barn after she was gone and I didn't feel happy surrounded by them. They WERE NOT HER. I'm not going to be one to say "Oh it gets easier as the days go by" because when we have an unconditional love that we have lost it seems that our happy part of us is gone too. We miss every little thing about them. One day though you will smile again and be able to think of Oscar in a happy way. I know that I didn't think I'd ever be able to smile about Maria but I do. Everything you are going thru is so very very normal with grief. Do not think it's not normal to feel the way you do. It does get better but you can't force it and it will happen in it's own time.

Please take care and know that many will be thinking of you,

Kelly

[wolfman645]

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement Kelly. I am very sorry for the loss of you mare Maria.

How did you successfully balance your grieving time with your functioning time? I am fnding that hard. I feel as though I need time each day to cry and feel the pain, but very often I am required to put on a "happy face" so to speak to make it though the work day.

Thanks,

Andy

[MartyT]

Andy, dear, I think that's one of the hardest things about losing a beloved animal companion: There is no bereavement leave, no time off from work, no funeral or public ritual of mourning, and no readily available place for you to take your grief. But you have found your way here, and you are among animal lovers who certainly do understand your loss, because we've all been where you are now. I encourage you to do some reading about what is normal in the grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved companion animal; my Grief Healing Web site is a good place to start. See especially my Pet Loss Articles page, where you'll find links to all sorts of helpful and informative resources.

People I encounter in pet grief support groups are often shocked to discover how bad they feel when their pets die. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard statements such as, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t feel this bad when my grandmother (acquaintance, friend, relative) died.”

It’s important to understand that the love we receive from our beloved pets is different from the love we share with our fellow human beings. With their constant presence, availability and devotion, pets may be our best source of unconditional love, becoming for many of us the ideal child, parent, mate or friend. They listen without judgment or reproach, and never give advice. They accept us exactly as we are, regardless of how we look or feel or behave. They forgive us readily and never hold grudges against us. No matter how much change we must endure in our unpredictable lives, our pets are always there for us. If we allow them to do so, our pets are more than willing to weave themselves into the very fabric of our daily lives. We live and relax in each other’s company. They are there when we awaken in the morning, rely on us to toilet, feed, water, exercise, groom and play with them, greet us joyfully when we come home to them and may even sleep with us in our beds at night. We touch them, stroke them, pet them, hug them, kiss them, tell them our troubles and share our deepest secrets with them. No matter how close you are to other people, I would venture to guess that none of these statements would describe the relationship you have with most of them. Unless they live with you, you probably don’t see them every single day either, and are accustomed to loving them in their absence, whereas your cat Oscar was with you constantly, and you grew accustomed to loving him in his presence. Think of what a drastic change this is when your cat is no longer such an intimate part of your daily life. Is it any wonder that you miss him so much? Everywhere you go in your home, you're probably bumping into reminders that Oscar is no longer there.

Most pet parents today – and certainly the animal lovers I meet in my pet loss support groups – regard their pets as members of the family. And how we react to the death of our family members— human or animal— depends to a large extent on the part they’ve played in our daily lives, the significance of our relationships with them, and the strength of our attachments to them.

How attached we become to our animals is as individual as we are, but the bonds that we have are valid, worthy of understanding, and serve to explain the intense pain we feel when those bonds are broken.

And so, my friend, I want to gently suggest that you stop beating yourself up for feeling so acutely the pain of losing your beloved cat. You are the only one who knows how very much your cat meant to you, and you are the only one who can measure how very much you have lost. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or should not be feeling about any of this.

As for successfully balancing your grieving time with your functioning time, that may be somewhat of an unrealistic goal for you right now. You are barely one week into your grief journey, and this is not something you can hurry through. You need time to discover, explore, feel and express whatever reactions you are having to this significant loss. You might begin by intentionally setting aside some "grieving time" for yourself each day, so that while you're at work you can better hold your grief at bay as you look forward to that special time you've set aside for yourself. Then alert your wife and your son that you need their help and cooperation in finding and preserving this quiet space and time for yourself. Tell them it's what you need so you can do your grief work. Assure them that you won't feel this way forever, but right now (based on what you've been learning about pet loss) this is what you need. Find and print out some of the pet loss articles and ask your wife to read them, so she'll have a better understanding of what you're going through. See especially Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? And spend some time reading through many of the other posts in this forum so you'll know you're not alone.

[STARKISS]

Hi Andy,

I am so sorry for your loss, People say when furbaby dies that it is not the same as when when a human loved one dies but I disagree because I have lost both and find it equally sad when I lost both... Other people say run out and get another pet so it would take your mind off the fact you lost one... But I think you have to grief your furbaby than after a while when you are up to making a decision about another furbaby than do so...I hope this helps again I am sorry for your loss... Shelley

[wolfman645]

MartyT:

Thanks for the support and for the great links. I will definitely explore them. It is comforting to know that others feel the same way. You are correct that I am constantly reminded of him in the house. I still expect to see him in his usual locations around the house.

STARKISS:

We actually have 4 other cats and a dog. I have a fairly close bond with one of the four cats (her name is Tigger), but none the same as with Oscar. I am in fact comforted by the other animals, but it doesn't erase the pain I feel for my favorite cat Oscar. I am convinced I will never have the same type of bond with another cat.

I wouldn't mind explaining why my bond with Oscar is so strong.

For starters, I had Oscar since he was only about 3 or 4 weeks old (or estimated to be that age) back in July 1991. Someone found kittens that were separated from their mother at too early an age and a neighbor was looking for homes for them and that is how I got Oscar. From the very beginning he was very skittish (almost neurotic) but developed this strong attachment to me. I believe he thought I was his mother!

The 2nd reason is that Oscar comforted me through a personal tragedy 15 years ago (when he was almost 3 and I was 28). You see at the age of 28, my wife of less than 2 years at the time died of Ovarian Cancer. She was also 28. I was obviuosly crushed. An interesting fact is that I never had cats before this (I'm actually slightly alergic), but she wanted cats and first got us a tabby named Ivy and she wanted a cat to keep him company, which is why we got Oscar. Needless to say, I grieved heavily in that year (1994) and Oscar and Ivy (especially Oscar) was my personal salvation and my family. Yes, my parents and sister and friends helped me. But when I came home from work each day he was there. At the time both cats also represented a remaining bond to my first wife, as we had no children. I believe these are the reasons why I got so very attached to him.

Luckily there is a happy ending for my personal tragedy. I worked through my grief for a solid year attending support groups and individual therapy, and I emerged a stronger person. I moved to a new apartment to get a fresh start and later in 1995 I met who would be come my new wife (also a big cat person). We have been married since August 1996. We also have a 7 year old son (FYI - I'm not sure if I should list their names on the internet, so I am only listing my cats names and my name Andy).

Oscar has been with us for all this time. However, it has been clear that I was his favorite human as he would constantly follow me around the house.

So this is what caused the bond to start. Once it starts, it never ends. This is why I'm devastated and grieving. The grief feels as strong as it did when I went through that personal tragedy I spoke of in 1994. Only now, my pain has to be this great big secret and not openly acknowledged.

It feels great to get this out in the open on this board.

Thank you all for listening.

Andy

[Ann H.]

Hi Andy,

I am so sorry about your Oscar. I really understand where you are coming from and the sadness and devastation, as I lost my heart kitty, as I like to call him, just a few months ago, also to lymphoma. Mikey was almost 16 years old when he crossed the Rainbow Bridge last December, a week before Christmas. He lived seven months from the time he was diagnosed, and like Oscar, he spiraled down to 5 lbs, so thin and weak, before he died. My kitty just seemed to deteriorate so fast once diagnosed. I just had to respond as our stories are so similar with their ages and lymphoma. I completely understand about the bond you had with Oscar, as I had the same with Mikey. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it's so hard and a long process. It definitely helps to visit a message board and talk to others that understand and have the same emotions with losing a beloved furbaby.

Ann

[wolfman645]

Thank you Ann. I'm sorry about your cat Mikey. It really sounds like the exact same story. I was in such denial at the end I was feeding him 5 times a day thinking that would help him, but he just couldn't assimilate the food. My 7 year old son seems to be having a hard time with it as well. He talks about Oscar a lot, and he has been exhibiting some of the classic signs of child grief, namely regression to earlier behaviors.

[Ann H.]

Thanks Andy. Fancy Feast was the only food Mikey would eat when he got sick. The Vet said to let him eat what he wants as he was terminal, and it was important for him to eat. I was always running to the pet store for more FF. He was actually waking me up every two hours for food, and I would get up and feed him. He mostly sucked the juice and always got some on his face. I think I was in shock the first month and thought maybe I was handling it alright, but then the pain and grief really hit me.

I'm so sorry about your son having a hard time. It's good he's talking about Oscar and not holding back.

Ann