They Just Don't Know

[David'sGirlStill]

As I travel this journey, I get amazed everyday by the very people who are suppose to be my friends. As I have stated several times My job is not the most feeling place let's say. Today, my coworker felt the need to tell me that we all grieveing over David but I have been "snappy" lately. And I should stop that.

I looked at her and said no youre not grieving and THANK GOD you have never lost anybody, so you really can't grasp how I feel. And I have spoke to many people who feel all of you should be a little more understanding of what I'm going through, But I'll make sure I correct it in the future.

First of all, she met my husband once at the funeral! Secondly, Little did she know (I'm not a violent person at all) But I wanted to turn the desk over on her and say there " I won't be snappy anymore" and walk out! And I'm not in the angry stage of grief so i really don't think i've been over the top "Snappy" No, i'm not that happy go lucky girl anymore but tough!

But I need my job so I went in my office with the tears rolling down my face.

Some People have no idea how 1 sentence can push someone over the edge who is already on the edge.

Maybe I'm out of line but I just needed to vent. thanks for listening

phyllis

[dpodesta]

Phyllis

You are right they don't understand, however I did find that I would snap at people and not realize it ffor quite sometime. I do remember the angry stage all too well. My son got quite a bit of it for awhile and I had to apoligize on multible occasions. I also had to file for bankruptacy so I had a lot of creditors calling me. It got to the point that where I would look forward to their calls because usually when I gave the the only information that my lawyer said I had to give they would press for more so I would gripe them out. In a twisted sort of way that was so much fun. Anyway, I look back at where I was and I know that there were some people that I work with that had to put up with my attitude for awhile. All I can say is just keep coming here to vent and let what some people say go in one ear and out the other, I know that this can be easier said than done.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Phyllis,

Recently when I went through a divorce and I had so much to deal with, the bills he dumped me with, dealing with the attorney, having to clean out his stuff and pack it up, titles, bank accounts, etc., I got left with it all...there was a point when I remember a friend of mine and I got into a tiff and she said, "I'm not the one you should be angry with!" And she was right. I guess I let it out on her because she was the safest place to, and thank God she understood that. I think when we're grieving and going through a lot of stuff, it's natural to hit those angry spots where we just want to cry out, "it's not fair!" and we have no tolerance left in us for niceness. The anger stage doesn't have a definite starting and ending point, but rather it can cross over with other stages, back and forth, so when you're in it, you may not even realize it. It has it's place, and largely to get our emotions out, it wouldn't be good to have all that pent up inside of us, it'd internalize then and we'd end up very sick. And it's definitely not a good place to stay indefinitely, but it does have it's place. Sometimes anger can fuel strength in us or cause us to implement change...I know I have become more assertive since George died, and even more so after what I went through with John...all of this has helped me to become a healthier person.

It's good to point out the truth to people, such as you did, in telling them, "No, you're not grieving, but I am!" but we also need to realize they aren't the enemy...sometimes there isn't an enemy we can point out, it's just life (or death) and it's unfairness. But we do get through this, we really do, and you won't always feel as intense as you do at this moment.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I really am, we've all been there...and many of us still are there.

[David'sGirlStill]

I truly appreciate everyone kind words. However, I'm not angry at anyone at this point. I just miss my husband. And I'm not Sally sunshine that i use to be. I have spoke to two of the other girls in the office. They don't feel I'm snappy. They're replies were that I was sad, not as talkative as usual, not as friendly but not nasty or snappy.

This girl and my boss wants and expects the same Phyllis that was here 7 weeks ago

Love

Phyllis

[marsha]

Phyllis - that ain't gonna happen - you're not in the same place, whether people understand it or not. I'm running the deli that Joe and I opened 8 years ago, and I've got to be "nice". Most of the time, I can do it, because I've been dealing with the same folks and they know where I'm at. Sometimes, though, I have to hand it over to my girls, because I feel like jumping over the counter like one of those guys on WWF (?). Then I go out back and have a ciggie. My "face" is getting better, but I have my moments. I totally understand. Hugs, Marsha

[LarrysGirl]

Phyllis, this is just another part of your grieving and you are entitled to your feelings. You can't help but run the gamat of emotions now. I have this quote on my refrigerator, for myself but also for others who come in my home, in hopes they will understand. Maybe this will help:

"Don't let anyone take your grief away from you. You deserve it and you must have it. If you had a broken leg, no one would criticize you for using crutches until it was healed. If you had major surgery, no one would pressure you to run in a marathon the next week. Grief is a major wound. It does not heal overnight. You must have the time and the crutches until you heal." from Don't take my Grief Away, Doug Manning

Thats how I feel. I lost Larry and its my grief. Deborah

[David'sGirlStill]

Thank you all so very much! I swear if I didn't have all of you I would have given up by now.

Phyllis

[David'sGirlStill]

Phyllis - that ain't gonna happen - you're not in the same place, whether people understand it or not. I'm running the deli that Joe and I opened 8 years ago, and I've got to be "nice". Most of the time, I can do it, because I've been dealing with the same folks and they know where I'm at. Sometimes, though, I have to hand it over to my girls, because I feel like jumping over the counter like one of those guys on WWF (?). Then I go out back and have a ciggie. My "face" is getting better, but I have my moments. I totally understand. Hugs, Marsha

I can feel you so. I manage a staffing service so I have to be NICE . But don't think I should have to watch every word I say with a cowoker.

Thank you

Phyllis

[AnnC]

I have had that experience of other people complaining that I'm not myself at work.

I will never forget that my supervisor was upset that I wanted to go to my ex-husband's funeral on the other side of the country. She pointed out that I couldn't use bereavement time because he wasn't my husband any more. I said, then I will use vacation. She pointed out triumphantly that I didn't have enough left to use. I said, Fine, I will take leave without pay. Fortunately, our department head took me aside and said I should go, and when I came back we could work out a way for me to make up the time.

When I came back, I had to have a doctor's appointment for some symptoms I had, anemia and some other stuff. Turns out I had uterine cancer. So here I was, only a month after his death, and I had cancer. And what does my supervisor say to me? I'll never forget it: "You should get back to work now, so that you don't leave us any more in the lurch than you are already doing." Then, on my last day of work the day before my surgery, when I was scared to death, she made a crack about my "lack of responsibility."

What I wanted to say was, Well I'm sorry if the death of someone I love, and my cancer are inconveniencing you, but suck it up! Probably fortunately, I couldn't even speak. Again, our department head told me it would be okay, and arranged for shared leave so that I wouldn't have to be without any pay during my 8 weeks of recovery.

I am approaching my five years of being cancer-free, and my supervisor retired last year. But I find I can never really forgive her for her insensitivity when I was going through the worst summer of my life.

Ann

[David'sGirlStill]

Oh Ann,

First of all YAHOO on being cancer free, that is awesome. Keep doing whatever it is that you are doing.

As far as your supervisor, I never heard of such a thing, they are pretty insensitive around here but I would hope to God if I had something that serious ....

But on second thought I had a kidney infection and turned sepsis and my boss wanted to know exactly how long i would be missing! So who knows

My grandma use to say, "Man's inhumanity to Man and boy is that true.

Love

Phyllis

[mrspapajohn]

Ann - - I can only say that I am glad your supervisor has retired.

Kathy

[AnnC]

Ann - - I can only say that I am glad your supervisor has retired.

Kathy

Me too!

A year later, before my supervisor retired, my great aunt passed away. She lived only about 30 miles from me, so my brother and I decided to go to her funeral and pay our respects. I told my supervisor about it, since it was a work day. She said, "Well, we'll see how the work goes." This time I knew what to say -- I said, "No, we won't. My great aunt died, and I AM GOING to her funeral."

She said nothing after that! And I went to the funeral. There have to be priorities in life!

Ann

[kayc]

Phyllis,

Like Deborah said, I don't think any of us will ever be the same as we were "before". They don't get it because they haven't been there.