Lost Dad

[Cricket]

All sound, insightful advice. Thank you again. I find myself sometimes talking out loud when I'm alone, to my Dad, and asking him questions that have got me perplexed about his death. After he died I asked my mom if I could take his work boots- she thought it was odd but they are full of his character, and remind me of him completely. When I feel brave, I take them out and put them on the floor in front of me and the floodgates open.

This whole thing has taught me 2 things so far:

#1: little insignificant irritations of life that used to get me upset for days just glance off me now because Ive dealt with something much worse, so his death has given me a better perspective on life's little annoyances.

#2-even before he died I wasnt taking care of myself in terms of stress reduction, and it became very clear after the stress backed up on me after he died. My body totally shut down in a flu that made me lose my voice, as well as other clear signs of too much stress in my life. I'm not used to having to TRY to take time to relax (I always thought relaxation was automatic, you do or dont relax naturally) but if I dont, it will make me sick.

Oh, and #3- you learn infinite amounts about your family members and friends through their reactions to death.

[leeann]

Once after I said I have a hard time just sitting and doing nothing, a wise person told me:

"Relaxing IS doing something."

Yup.

Cricket I'm sure you will add innumerable things to the 'things you have learned' list as you go forward.

So many times I have thought about how much I learned via the death of someone close. Makes it easier for me to see the silver lining of losing them. I would clearly be a different person if I hadn't lost loved ones. In many ways grief presented me with gifts.

leeann

[Cricket]

Yes. Sometimes I guilt myself into thinking of all the (meaningless) things I could be doing if I sit down for a minute. And from what Ive seen so far, its takes practice to make yourself relax. And I think it doesnt come as easily to women for some reason.

[leeann]

And from what Ive seen so far, its takes practice to make yourself relax. And I think it doesnt come as easily to women for some reason.

LOL Ya think? LOL I STILL have trouble "relaxing". Need more practice.....

leeann

[Cricket]

I've been losing my temper more than ever in my life lately. I'm worried I'm going to do something irreparable.

[Cricket]

And I dont feel any better after I lose my temper, in fact, I feel worse. In addition to the normal irritations of life, Ive also got to watch my sister and niece make designs on the life insurance settlement check she got from Dad dying. Also, my niece (who is 24) is not beyond stealing any cash my mom has around the house. I nearly exploded when I heard this and am afraid to go visit my mom because it might come out and it will be ugly for all involved. BUT...

This forum has helped alot in sorting things out. I hope you, LeeAnn, will give yourself a pat on the back.

[MartyT]

Cricket, dear ~

You say that after you lose your temper you feel worse, and you’re afraid to visit your mom for fear that you’ll lose control of that anger.

I've often commented that anger is one of the most common reactions in grief, and one we’ve discussed in these forums. While we cannot always control our feelings, we do have a great deal of control over how we behave ~ that is, we can control what we do with what we feel. We can find more effective ways of dealing with and managing our anger, so it feels as if we’re in control of the anger rather than the anger being in control of us.

When you simply acknowledge feelings of anger to yourself or to a trusted other (or in a safe and caring forum such as this one) without actually doing anything about those feelings, no harm is done, to yourself or to anyone else. On the other hand, if your anger is suppressed and held on to, eventually, as you say, you could explode like a volcano -- or you could internalize it and take it out on yourself. You could also misdirect your anger toward others, aiming it at innocent family members, friends and co-workers.

As I've written in my book, Finding Your Way through Grief, A Guide for the First Year, anger is a powerful emotion that can be frightening. But feeling angry doesn't necessarily imply that you will lose control or take your anger out unfairly on others. You have several other options. If you think of anger as raw energy, you will think of ways to discharge that energy in appropriate, non-destructive ways that will bring no harm to yourself, to others or to anybody's property. Find a safe place, space, activity and time where you can let your anger out (through physical exercise, hobbies and crafts, music, writing, talking with someone you trust who won't judge you, asking others for support rather than expecting them to know what you need from them, etc.)

Belleruth Naparstek is the creator of the best-selling Health Journeys audio tapes, and an expert on healing with guided imagery. Her recorded Meditation to Help with Anger and Forgiveness is wonderful. I have this CD myself, and it is one of my very favorites. This is one of the most inexpensive forms of self care available, and it can be amazingly effective. I cannot recommend it highly enough, and I encourage you to give it a try. You can read a description and customer reviews of this CD at Amazon, here, and you can listen to a clip of it here.

Pounding out your anger on your computer keyboard can be another extremely helpful and appropriate way to discharge some of that energy. This site is here for you to do just that, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Use it to rid yourself of some of that rage. You will be harming no one, and there is not a person here who will judge you for doing it.

Here is a sampling of other writers’ thoughts and comments about anger:

The instincts we have of “DO SOMETHING!” when we are angry prevents the most helpful thing we could do. Walk away for a half hour . . . Once you are angry, your own lack of intelligence prevents the brain from coming up with a real solution. Your thinking is rigid and stereotyped. You are not creative. But if you could walk around for thirty minutes or so, isn’t there a possibility that you could calm down? . . . The way you frame this is going to make a big difference in the world. To convey the message, “Oh forget it, I am out of here” is exactly the trigger for panic and rage in the other person. What about a more thoughtful message: “I am pretty steamed and I know I am kind of stupid when I am upset. I need to calm down so that I can think this through. I’d like to walk around, cool down, and come back here in thirty or forty minutes. Maybe by then I won’t be so irrational.” [Lynn Johnson, Get On the Peace Train: A Journey from Anger to Harmony, pp. 74-75]

“Of the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.” ~ Frederick Buechner

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” ~ Nelson Mandela

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ~ Mark Twain

[Cricket]

Hello Marty T

Thank you for suggesting that CD- Ive ordered it and we'll see what happens. The worst thing that could happen is that I relax! I also liked the quotes about anger- the one by Mark Twain especially resonated with me. That anger is tricky, toxic stuff. It happened again in the supermarket today, waiting for the guy to get my order at the fish section. I try not to put myself in situations that I know will make me angry. Sometimes, its unavoidable. Tomorrow I'm going to a park to take a walk, I think walking does help you sort things out better than staying stationary. Thx again.

[leeann]

Yup a walk is good.... or a holler fest while you are showering... or "telling whoever off" really well while scrubbing a floor or vacuuming or screaming into a pillow.... or punching one....works too.....

ANYway to healthily express that anger is fine.

Believe it or not... I think you are doing well.

Wishing you a great walk!

(((((hugs))))

leeann

[Cricket]

We buried my dad's ashes this past saturday. I didnt think it would be such an important event, but there was some feeling of finality in it. He was an organ donor and the hospital had taken skin for burn vicitms, and his arm and leg bones. Everyone says "Thats great, he'll be helping so many people" but every time it comes up I feel queasy and like he's been violated, even though it was his decision. I guess no one llikes to think of their loved ones as meat and harvested parts. Has anyone felt this way about their organ donor deceased relatives?

[leeann]

Actually my Mom was a recipient of corneas. And I was very grateful to the donor as was she.

I know there were quite a few people on our Loss of Spouse, Partner or Significant Other Forum whose loved ones were awaiting donated organs and didn't live to have the transplant. So there are quite a few here on the other side of this coin.

I can kinda of understand your feelings though. And as with most of the more unpleasant things when ones loved ones pass.. I imagine your thoughts will turn toward the more positive things and thoughts in time.

This weekend his "body" was very much on your mind, naturally. So it is only natural in my opinion that you are having those kind of thoughts about his body.

But remember... it was his choice to donate and that was what he wanted.. so maybe try focusing on that or on how very appreciative the recipients and their families must be. And how great a man your Dad was to donate that which he could no longer use.

I'm sure he is a hero to the recipients and their families.

But I wouldn't worry about having thoughts or feeling queasy about the whole process... I think that is only natural.

There are times when I recall the condition of my Mother when I found her.... it wasn't pretty and she had been laying there 48 hours before I found her. And I got queasy and a bit sickened too whenever I recalled seeing her like that or having to clean up afterwards.

Those thoughts & recollections were much more frequent right after she passed. Now I don't have them much at all. When I do though, I try to distract myself away from those thoughts and remember her more as she would want to be remembered.

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann

[MartyT]

Hi Cricket,

As Leeann said, this topic has come up many times in our forums, and I hope you'll find the following helpful:

Posted by: Nathans_sister Mar 24 2008, 01:12 PM in Loss of a Sibling or Twin _ Did We Make The Right Choice?

Here is what happened to my brother: On the last day of school he has gone over to a friend's house with his girlfriend and rode back with his girlfriend on the bike handle's. He came into the house and asked my dad to get some of his pain pills (my little brother's prescription pain pills) and told my dad to wake him up when dinner was ready. We knew that my little brother was hurting really bad by the look in his eyes. My little brother was not one to admit to pain. He was a healthy young man. He took weight lifting, lifetime sports, and autobody for his senior year. He was training with a marine recruiter (my little brother was the only one able to keep up with the marine recruiter, out of eight guys; they ran 5 miles stopping every quarter mile to do exercises). All he had to do was lose 25 pounds to be able to join the marines. My little brother was mainly muscle. When we went to wake him up we noticed that he would exhale and not breathe back in for 14 seconds. We just thought that he was congested up so we took turns sitting with him; we would count to 14 seconds then jar him to get him to breathe. This was about 6pm, and we couldn't get him to wake up no matter how hard we jarred him. Finally about midnight we couldn't get him to breathe so we called for ambulance, they took him to the hospital when we got there they were working on him and told us that they had to restart his heart a couple of times on the way to the hospital which is about 5 minutes away. About 1 in the morning the hospital tells us that they have to send him to Springfield, MO by helicopter. When we got to Springfield (we had to drive 2 hours) they told us that he might be brain dead, and that they had to restarted his heart several times. Finally he was admitted to the ICU. They had a respirator breathing for him. We sat with him as long as we were allowed. They told that they were going to do brain function tests a couple of times a day. The first one showed that he had brain function, the second one showed that his brain function had decreased some and that his brain was swelling. About that time the nurses started hounding my family about Organ Donation. I remember I got so angry because he was not dead and thinking that he could still recover, that miracles happen everyday. On Friday morning May 25 about 10 am the doctor had my family gather together and told all of us that my little brother was declared legally brain dead at 9:19 am and then told us that if we didn't do organ donation that his brain would swell and push down his spinal cord causing a massive heart attack. The nurses showed us where Nathan had signed up for organ donation at the national register in November. He never told us. After he was declared brain dead and organ donation was to be done it seemed like the nurses and doctors were doing more to keep his organs good then before he was declared brain dead. The head of the organ donor program asked my family to come into a little room, he had a piece of paper and started asking us which organs to use, could they use his tissues, his eyes, his bones and I remember thinking the doctors just told us that Nathan was gone and here these vultures were wanting to take pieces of him. One of the things I still can't wrap my mind around is that after he was declared brain dead I was sitting at his bedside and it looked like he was breathing and he felt warm to the touch. I know that it was because of the machines but it still looked like he was just sleeping.

So my question is did we make the right choice?

Posted by: MartyT Mar 24 2008, 04:07 PM

Dear Sister,

I wonder what responses you would get if you asked that same question of the people who were the recipients of your brother’s organs. I’m sure that, from their perspective and that of their family members, you certainly did “make the right choice.” I can think of no greater gift than that of organ donation, especially considering the tragic circumstances under which this precious gift was given by you and your family.

I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like for you and your family to have found yourselves in the position you describe, and I certainly can understand why, months later, you are still questioning the wisdom of the god-like decision you all were required to make. I think it's only natural to question such awesome decisions. Nevertheless, as I read your tragic story, it seems to me that you were honoring your brother’s wishes as you all understood them to be, and you did exactly what he would have wanted you to do. Without excusing any insensitivity on the part of the organ donation staff, I also have to believe that the people involved in your brother’s case were legally, ethically and morally bound to adhere to a very strict protocol in making certain that your brother was dead before they harvested any organs and tissues from his body.

I can only hope that, as you come to terms with this, you will give yourself the credit you deserve, and find some comfort in knowing that you helped your brother in this most selfless act of unmeasurable generosity.

I am reminded of this beautiful poem by Robert N. Test:

To Remember Me

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet

neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress

located in a hospital busily occupied

with the living and the dying.

At a certain moment

a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function

and that, for all intents and purposes,

my life has stopped.

When that day comes,

do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body

by the use of a machine.

And don't call this my deathbed.

Let it be called the Bed of Life,

and let my body be taken from it

to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise,

a baby's face or the love in the eyes of a woman.

Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.

Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.

Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body

and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

If you must bury something,

let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil.

Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me,

do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.

If you do all I have asked,

I will live forever.

You might also find these resources informative and helpful:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/organ-donation/FL00077

http://www.donatelife.net/StoriesOfHope/

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/health/jan-...rgan_donor.html

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/extra/editoria...andonation.html

http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...-of-child-loss/

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=24722

[Cricket]

Thank you both for your thoughts. While I dont think my mom shouldn't have consented to donating his organs, and I do know that's what Dad wanted, it makes me uneasy. I think it's the idea that after someone's death we realize how attached we were to his physical presence and dont want to see it desecrated at all. I still have to get used to the idea of him as a memory/life force instead of a physical guy. Thats a big transition in thought to make.

Marty T- I ordered the control-your-anger CD you recommended and it still hasnt come- this must be the first test to see if I can control my anger! haha.

[leeann]

I still have to get used to the idea of him as a memory/life force instead of a physical guy. Thats a big transition in thought to make.

Yes it is a big transition. It is part of the grief journey to get used to them being spiritual beings. Be patient with yourself.

((((Hugs))))

leeann

[missing B]

Cricket,

My sister passed and we were asked what we'd like to do regarding organ donation. Knowing my sister she would have wanted to donate, but being that she was only 32 we had never talked about it specifically. She was just the sort that wanted to help everyone she met. So we agreed to it. Your father had made his decision clear prior to his passing so you didnt have to guess what he wanted. I dont know what donations my sister made. You do know that your father has helped burn victims and others with bone marrow. Maybe as time passes that will be a possitive memory for you that your father lives on in other people and gets to be part of their joys and life experiences, that those people wouldnt have had without your dad's help.

being that Ive only been on this road for a week or so longer than you I dont know how else to help comfort you besides telling you we arent alone in all of this. The angry, sad, lost feelings I have had I am pretty sure have been felt by everyone that comes to this forum. The awful thoughts that pass through my mind and nearly out of my mouth at times arent any surpise to those that have walked ahead of us on this journey.

There are lots of fantastic people here with so much understanding. Really try not to beat yourself up over the feelings you have. Like Leeann said its what you need to be doing. They are just your natural way of working through what your experiencing.

(((hugs)))

[Cricket]

Everyone's messages have reminded me that the most important thing is what Dad wanted to do with his body, and how it makes me feel is secondary. I get queasy in all medical situations, especially if its something my mom or dad had to endure. Hearing LeeAnn's situation, having to clean up after her loved one died shook me up. I just dont have a stomach for these things. Hospitals also upset me immensely, and someone told me once, "They upset everyone, no one likes the hospital" but I think it rattles me a little more than most.