I Feel I Can't Go On Without Him.

[emptyinside]

I need to speak to my dad so badly; I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel I can't go on. Nothing has meaning anymore. The minute I see something I get excited about, I go, "Hey, that sounds fun. I'll tell dad!" Then I remember. I feel completely dead inside. I'm really just going through the motions, waiting for him.

If he could just give me a clear message that he's all right, then I would probably feel a little better. But without anything from him, I imagine all kinds of horrible things he's going through right now. Is he upset? Is he lost? Is he scared? I wish he could just say, "Don't worry. I'm in a really good place now, and I'm happy."

Where IS he? My mom asks this, too. WHERE? I read stories where people are saved by what they call "angels." They almost died but didn't, citing feeling or even seeing shapes that seem to be manifestations of guardian angels. If they exist, does that mean my dad doesn't have one? So that means I don't have one, either, since no one protected me from this pain.

I miss him so much.

[AnnieO]

I understand how you are feeling right now. I think the "wanting to talk " to our loved ones , is such a painful part of this. The other day I was having a very sad day and wishing my parents were here, my husband said, "your mom and dad are with us today"...I just got angry and said, " I know they are here, but i want to TALK TO THEM! I want to hear their voices".

I love to read and always have. Even before my parents got sick , I read so many books on after-life, after death communications, angels...etc. What I took away from these books is that we all have guardian angels or spirit guides. This is just my own opinion, but I don't think these angels can protect us from illness, disease or sadness and pain. I think that in the cases where people see or feel angels and they are "saved" from accidents , etc...it wasn't their time to leave. I don't think an angel could protect you from the pain you are feeling, the pain comes from the love you have for your dad. I believe my parents are in a very good place, they are healthy and free of pain/illness. They are reunited with their loved ones that had gone before them. I have to believe that is where your dad is too. I am sorry you are in so much pain.

[leeann]

Oh Em your feelings are so familiar to me....

I think we ALL feel like we can't/don't want to go on at times. And we just get tired of not seeing them... not getting hugged by them.. not being able to just sit across the kitchen table from them.

This IS hard.. real hard. We are literally walking through each day completely differently. We haven't "done" life without them with us before.

We are terribly new at this and everything feels so raw. And yes I have gotten tired of the pain of loss itself. It's hard to manage this pain... everyday.. all the time... 24/7.. 365.

But then I think... what choice do I have?? I must go on. So I keep going... just holding on to the facts that this will eventually get a bit easier, the pain will get a bit less intense at times or I will adjust to the weight of this loss and to them no longer being physical present. I'll get better at life without them physically here.. eventually. And so will you.

You want to know where he is??? I kinda knew where my folks "went" as much as anyone who has learned & practiced a faith... but.. that wasn't enough for me...

Like dear Annie O......I had to read about people who had passed and were able to connect with their loved ones here.. either on their own or with the help of gifted and true mediums. That's ALL I read about in the first months after losing each of my parents. I read these books and they helped me.

I'll share some of them with you.

Books by:

John Edward:

http://johnedwardproduct.com/shop/searchre...dTypeList=Books

Books by James VanPraagh:

HELLO FROM HEAVEN

TALKING TO HEAVEN: A Medium's Message of Life After Death

GHOSTS AMONG US: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side

Now sure.. not everyone "believes" this stuff. But I must tell you.. I WAS skeptical right up until I had some experiences myself with loved ones that had passed away that were literally unexplainable any other way.. except that they were actually communicating with me. And after that... I began to read and read and read about After Death Communication.

It just reassures me that truly "Love Never Dies" and my folks aren't "gone"; just their bodies have ceased to exist. They.. the essence of them, in my mind & thinking.... are STILL very much alive. And literally.. that knowledge helps me keep moving on through my life's journey.

Other things I learned to help me keep moving forward:

Just because we are feeling pain... doesn't mean there is something "wrong". I had to learn that. Usually when we feel pain this intense... it indicates something is "wrong". But with death & grief.. I had to learn... PAIN is "normal" and a gift in a way. The gift?? I wouldn't hurt so badly if I hadn't been loved so well or loved in return. So I had to adjust to living IN pain for awhile.

Em... this is HARD. I know it. It's hard to look for some glimmer of something to look forward to. Its hard to keep engaging in life when sometimes all I want to think about is death. It's hard to particpate IN daily life... when all I want to do sometimes is .. join them.

But I keep telling myself.... What would Dad & Mom expect of me? They would expect that I would try my best... and so I do. I'm limping and falling and getting back up again to limp forward some more.. but I'm doing the best I can. And that's ALL anyone ... including myself.. can & should expect. (I can be my own worst enemy sometimes.)

Em... from ALL I have read, learned & experienced... I believe your Dad is still with you.... Just no longer in physical form. His spirit is alive and well.... and I pray that you feel him, sense him around you much stronger as you move forward.

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))

leeann

[emptyinside]

Thanks to both of you.

I have read into ADC, but I can't help but feel cynical. I'm very familiar with techniques mediums use (at least the bad ones), so I can't help but feel angry at Edward and other popular mediums (especially ones that make regular appearances on Entertainment Tonight). I'm not shutting out the possibility, but I have yet to find one I think is real, if that exists. I would love any recommendations - has anyone seen a medium and felt the person was very good?

And I feel cynical about signs, too. Maybe because I know too much about how the mind works. Like seeing a butterfly and interpreting that as my dad. I'd love for that to be true, but another voice in my head says, "You idiot. You want that to be your dad. Never mind that you've probably had a million butterflies before, but you weren't looking for them." I just beat myself up in my head. I just want some sign that's not subtle, that can't be anything else.

I just went through an awful crying jag. Full on sobs. I just keep remembering this time last year I was eating at one of our favorite restaurants. The memory hit me like a sledgehammer. It seems like yesterday. I have a vivid memory, which is a curse in this case. I snapped out of it, looked around me, and was truly surprised...how could he not be here? He was JUST here. The memory was clearer than even my day yesterday. It just baffles me how he's not here, not when I just had dinner with him a minute ago, a dinner I remember so clearly. I even remember the wall decorations and the way my dad's hand held his glass.

I don't get it. How can he not be here? Why did this have to happen?

Maybe because I broke a deal with God? When my dad was first hospitalized over a year ago, I got down on my hands and knees and prayed for his recovery for a long time. I made deals with God (not sure why I did this; I just felt like God would help me more if I sacrificed something). I thought of my vices. Maybe I shop too much? I'm a classic girl in that sense; I love shopping and nice material things. But I, in no way, judge people superficially. I just like buying nice things. So I told God I wouldn't buy a single thing if He let my dad get through this. My dad DID get through it, but only for a year. During that year, I did go back to buying things. It's like our old life resumed as normal. But I was still completely grateful for God for having saved his life. I prayed to God every night, thanking him for saving my dad, and requesting continued protection for my him (I never asked God for my health; I always wanted my dad to reap the benefits). I keep thinking I broke my deal with God. I was an idiot, settling back into normalcy, so maybe God was punishing me by taking dad? So I DID cause his death. I know it was wrong of me to try to make a deal with God, but since I said it, maybe God took me up on it? So I caused something bad to happen to my dad? I also said I'd go to church every Sunday, which I ended up not doing, for I never had officially joined a church and felt awkward about starting (as in, I didn't know where to start). I did vow to live in utter gratefulness, if that makes sense. I stayed away from anything that might be viewed as negative or full of ill will. If people asked me how my dad was doing, I'd say he's great, thanks to God. But I did break promises to God, right? So he stopped protecting my dad, or decided to take him. I feel so guilty.

[leeann]

Em

John Edward himself says we should be cynical. And I was.... very. And I think he is right. There are an awful lot of people out there claiming a "gift" that really don't have it.

JE's books were the 1st I picked up just because he said we should be cynical. Like he was giving me permission to think he was full of you know what.

So I picked his 1st book up. And once I began reading it... and I saw... instance after instance of people connecting on some level..well..slowly I began to understand that this ADC was more than possible.

There was simply no other explanation for many things in his book. And also... I began to look at what I myself had experienced and saw.. there really wasn't any other way to explain these things. It couldn't have been a coincidence. It wasn't me just wanting to hear from them so badly... because the vast majority of the times I was experiencing these things... I wasn't LOOKING to experience them. They just happened on their own without me at times even thinking about it.. until they happened.

My heart began to open to the possibility that ADC exists. And yes I then also realized if I was to experience any ADC... I would kinda have to be open to it. But I was very reserved....and I was kinda demanding as well. LOL For example:

"Dad.. if that's you.. do.. this________." And lo and behold... in front of my eyes... it would happen. And I began to get more demanding... "Dad do this_______ by.. tomorrow afternoon." And again... it happened.

Still... I held off judgement... (Poor Dad was probably getting exasperated with me! LOL) I just had that "wow... maybe...???? this can happen." feeling inside. Like I was a bit stunned by the possibilty. Not like "WOW!!!! My Dad is talking to me!!!!!! I was a bit in awe and cautiously optimistic.

Then I tried it with others who had passed.... and some I got some contact and with others I didn't. But probably what nailed my acceptance of this and opened my eyes and heart to the existence of ADC's was when someone I didn't lose "came" to me.

Look Em.. I'm going to share this here and I know I'm risking you and everyone else who reads this thinking I'm a total nut case.. but I will share it because I think... it would help you.

It was a woman I had never met. The Mother of a friend who had passed away when my friend was a teenager. And I didn't even know my friend then. I only met her more than 20 years after her Mom had passed. This friend and I have daughter's the same age. We were attending their lil Spring Choral concert... they were in 1st or 2nd grade then.

The place was packed... parents, siblings & grandparents squeezed into this cafeteria with a stage.. wall to wall people and definitely standing room only. I was standing up in the back of the room as there were no seats left. I saw my friend, her husband, her son, her Dad and her step Mom. We waved.

Then just as the concert was beginning... people were quieting down... I turned around to see if my husband was able to get a good camera angle. I saw the folks who were standing behind me and around me. I saw my hub perched on a chair.. camera in hand. As I turned back around I heard someone in my right ear loudly whisper "Tell her I was here." I turned to my right instantly and there is this big tall man standing there just looking straight ahead at the stage. I turned all the way around and saw... there was NO ONE who could have whispered that in my ear. And then I kinda stunned tunred back around thinkng I was probably losing my mind.

I attempted, for a split second to pay attention to the stage.. but now I was completely distracted with finding this person who had whispered in my ear. I kept glancing around quickly to see if a woman was moving away from me in the crowd... but no one was moving. We were all just standing waiting for the concert to begin.

THEN the thought that this was someone who had passed that was speaking to me popped into my head. Why that popped into my head.. I have no idea. But it did. So... red faced and heart pounding, goosebumped & every hair standing on end... I asked this "person" in my head, "Who do you want me to tell that you are here?"

And I immediately turned to my left and saw my friend and her family. Why I turned that way.. I don't know. But I did. My eyes fell upon her Step Mom (because she had said tell "her" I was here.. so I was looking for a woman I thought) and the voice again spoke and

said "Uh.. Noooooo."

So I just began to look further down the aisle next to the step Mom and the next woman was my friend.... And I asked the voice in my head... "Her?" And the voice said "Yes.. tell her I was here." And instinctively I said again in my head, "Ok, I'll tell her."

And then I felt like the "person" had left... like all the hairs that had been standing on end.. weren't anymore. I asked in my head if they were still there and got no response. No more whispers in my ear.

The concert began and I'm totally distracted by this... "Who could this woman have been?" HOW on earth do I tell ANYone ... out loud.. that I "heard a voice" from someone who wasn't physically there? They will think me nuts. Then I started to remember how the voice sounded... it was a strong whisper... but the inflection was somehow familiar to me when she said "Uh..Nooooo" and then it hit me.. that my friend does indeed use that intonation when something is obviously not right herself! And then I had the thought.. it must be her Mom!

Well great! Now I know who it was that spoke to me.. but still... HOW do I tell my friend this?? How??? She will think me crazy for one. For two.. I desperately didn't want to hurt her.

I felt like.. 'Ok.. think about this later and watch the concert already!'

It took me two days to even tell my husband that this happened. And that was only because he saw me acting so distracted for two days and was kinda badgering me a bit to see what was wrong. So I tell him. And he's quiet for a minute and then says.."So.. when are you going to tell her?" Like this was a some simple phone message I had to pass along! I coulda smacked him! LOL

I told him what my concerns were about telling her. He understood but said "But you told this voice you would tell her." And that was what was weighing on my mind the most. I had kinda promised something I wasn't delivering.

So I did the only thing I knew to do... I prayed about it. Asked for the enlightenment of whether I should deliver the message or not & if I was supposed to... the strength & correct timing to deliver the message. I just had faith that I somehow would know what to do and when to do it. And I tried hard to not think about it too much.

About two weeks after the concert as I was waiting to pick up my daughter from school.. I saw my friend and immediately got the feeling I should tell her and I should tell her that day. So all the kids came out and us Moms were all gabbing away while the kids played in the school yard. And eventually all the Moms and kids left except for my friend and I. I felt myself wanting to just run away ... I was so afraid to tell her. But I knew somewhere deep within me I had to. So..I asked her forgiveness before I even started and told her for sure she would think me out of my mind. But I must tell her something. She turned to me immediately sensing the seriousness and told me.. she would never think me crazy and to go ahead.

So I told her what happened at the concert. I toldher everything.... how the voice sounded and what the voice has said. Her eyes welled up immediately and then we were both quiet for a minute. Then she began to tell me how much she had been missing her mom the day of the concert. That she had had a grief burst that afternoon beforehand and was hoping somehow her mom would see the concert.

Well it was my turn to well up. We were both just quietly awed by this for a minute. Then she shared that she had a few times "felt" her Mom's presence around her in her kitchen at home. Especially during times when she was kinda missing her mom... like when her own kids were both really sick and she was missing her Mom's advice etc...

Well that's a moment I won't ever forget. And I think it was a very important moment in my journey here.

So... Em... I don't know what else to tell ya.. but I know.. like I know the sun rises in the East.... that they can communicate with us. I have no doubts anymore. Sure I'm still skeptical when I hear about Mediums and such.. and I look with a clear eye those type of experiences. Some Mediums I have come to believe actually do possess that gift. Others??? I dunno.

But I still have the knowledge within me that certain folks have the gift for sure.

My heart remains open and the more open it is..I find... the more I experience.

I just know, without doubt, that the possibility for ADC exists. I don't go looking for it ..... it finds me.

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann

[AnnieO]

Em,

I know it too, just like Leeann. With all my heart, I believe our loved ones are around us . I do not want to suggest you do this , its not for everyone and some people are very upset by it. I had a reading with a medium, I told NO-ONE, that I was doing this because I knew people would think I was crazy. I actually got the name of the medium from someone on this site. I researched the medium, and even crazier, signed up for a telephone reading. It felt like I was signing up for one of those "psychic hotlines". I won't go into all the details, but it was eveyrthing I hoped for. The medium sent me a tape of the reading. I never even opened the envelope, I don't need to hear it again. I don't think I will have another reading, I don't need one. I am not suggesting you do this, not at all. Just open your heart to the idea that our loved ones truly are around us.f

Leeann, Thanks for sharing your story. It gave me goosebumps . I am so glad you passed the message onto your friend. what a special feeling that must have been.

[emptyinside]

Thank you, Leann, for sharing to try to make me feel better. I really appreciate it (and I don't think you're nuts). You are such a good friend, and I'm glad you and your friend could connect like that. I tried to ask my dad to give me a message. While alone in his room, while sobbing so hard I feel like I'm going to throw up, I asked dad, "Daddy, if you're here, please give me a sign? Please knock once on a wall. Or knock somewhere else."

Nothing.

I've asked other times. I ask if he's okay where he is now, just a knock somewhere? Or make something fall. Anything in this silence? Nothing. So does that mean he's not okay? He's not answering anything!

Guys, please, do you think I caused this bad luck to befall him because of this in my other post:

Maybe because I broke a deal with God? When my dad was first hospitalized over a year ago, I got down on my hands and knees and prayed for his recovery for a long time. I made deals with God (not sure why I did this; I just felt like God would help me more if I sacrificed something). I thought of my vices. Maybe I shop too much? I'm a classic girl in that sense; I love shopping and nice material things. But I, in no way, judge people superficially. I just like buying nice things. So I told God I wouldn't buy a single thing if He let my dad get through this. My dad DID get through it, but only for a year. During that year, I did go back to buying things. It's like our old life resumed as normal. But I was still completely grateful for God for having saved his life. I prayed to God every night, thanking him for saving my dad, and requesting continued protection for my him (I never asked God for my health; I always wanted my dad to reap the benefits). I keep thinking I broke my deal with God. I was an idiot, settling back into normalcy, so maybe God was punishing me by taking dad? So I DID cause his death. I know it was wrong of me to try to make a deal with God, but since I said it, maybe God took me up on it? So I caused something bad to happen to my dad? I also said I'd go to church every Sunday, which I ended up not doing, for I never had officially joined a church and felt awkward about starting (as in, I didn't know where to start). I did vow to live in utter gratefulness, if that makes sense. I stayed away from anything that might be viewed as negative or full of ill will. If people asked me how my dad was doing, I'd say he's great, thanks to God. But I did break promises to God, right? So he stopped protecting my dad, or decided to take him. I feel so guilty.

I am in so much pain I feel like I'm on fire. I'm squirming for some relief. I actually gripped my leg so hard that I bled. I've been doing that unknowingly for a while. I'll look down and go, Wow, I didn't even know I was doing that. I miss him so much and feel I caused this.

[kath]

Em,

In no way could you have caused this. For one, I don't think God is in the market making "deals" with us. He knows our humanness. He knows our faults, our frailties, our desires, our dreams, our everything. We pray, desparate for the result we so badly want. Unfortunately, His way and our way are often opposite. I know there is a phase of grief, where we want answers so badly, that we take on much of the blame ourselves so we can wrap our brains around it and make sense of it.

Think of life. Can you explain why one sperm and one egg can create a living, wonderful human being? It is beyond my comprehension. It is a wonderful, marvelous miracle. Death can't be explained either. It happens to those we have loved. It isn't fair, but it most certainly is not our fault.

I've prayed for signs, too. I don't receive them instantly, but when I do, it is awesome. Ask for something specific. When you are ready, you will receive them. I started praying for eagles and there are plenty around here, so I didn't think it would be so far-fetched. As soon as I started, I didn't see a single eagle for months, but I prayed every day, that if Bob was safe, send me an eagle. On the day I was so sad, so in need of a hug, so lost in my own self I couldn't see past my pain or my problems, I was given eagles. They came unexpectantly, soaring free in all their glory, two of them, and I knew in my heart, my husband was safe and free from all the pain that he endured on this earth.

I cried reading Leann's experience. To be open to the contact, and then to be courageous enough to share that experience with your friend and us, means the world to me. We are all here for only a short amount of time. I think we realize that more than most. There is so much more beyond this earth. We just do the best we can while we are here.

I spent the first Easter after Bob died in church, wondering if Jesus and His rising from the dead was a story, made up, and so fantastic, that it carried on for generations. What if it wasn't true and this life is all we have? I felt the devastation in my whole body and I can tell you, it scared me to stay there too long. Having hope and believing brings me more peace. So, that is my choice. Bob is safe and I will see him again. That works for me.

Guilt is normal, Em. Believing, is a choice.

Kath

[leeann]

Guilt is normal, Em. Believing, is a choice.

Exactly Kath.. I agree.

No way Em.. you didn't cause this. In my opinion.. that simply isn't possible.

I don't wanna burst your bubble or anything.. but I just don't think we, as individuals, are powerful enough to "cause" the death of our loved ones.....

And also....I don't believe God is like the Host on "Deal or No Deal".

I don't think life and eternal life works that way. I choose to believe differently.

I have never "prayed" for a sign. They usually happen when my heart is open and my mind is wandering. lol Sounds silly.. but it's true. I have "asked" for them from my loved ones on rare occasions.. but I never expect something. I just keep an open mind and heart.. and I figure if it happens.. it was supposed to. And if it doesn't happen... I figure it wasn't supposed to.

I have a real firm grip on how very insignificant I am in comparison to The One who is All. I know though, He (she, it.. whatever your belief is) loves me as if I was THE only human on this planet. And I know He has a plan for me and all of my loved ones. And in that plan is the length of my journey here. When my time is done here... He'll be there... to embrace me and welcome me "there".

But His love is infinite.. it surpasses time and space and all things that I can imagine and loads of things I can't imagine.

Nope.. I don't buy that there are "bargains" with God. I don't make any with Him. As someone once told me... my "salvation" (or my ticket to the after life) was purchased FOR me on Good Friday a bit over 2000 yrs ago. I can't earn it. It's already been bought FOR me. And there is nothing I can do to "earn" it. It is already bought & paid for. All I have to do in return is love and have faith.

And when I'm hurting and missing my loved ones terribly...it helps me to recall.... those two small words from the Bible.

"Jesus wept."

I know HE knows the pain I'm in. He expereinced the pain of loss and He cried too. So that's my affirmation that the pain I'm in is "normal" and I'm supposed to feel it. There isn't anything "wrong"..... I'm supposed to hurt. I'm supposed to walk this particular grief journey at this particular time. And my hope is to keep my heart, mind & soul open to learn all I can while I'm on this path.

I know... everyone's faith is individual. (And I beleive we all walk our own Faith journeys.. and I can't say MINE is right and yours is wrong. Mine is right for me.. and yours is right for you.)

These are just some of the things I believe in. You must determine yourself what your faith is and how it works for you.

And you must reconcile your beliefs with what you feel & think and I must do the same.

I believe our grief is just a small part of our journey here.... and I wish you a blessed one.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

leeann