Moving Into This Corner To Grieve

[loving denny]

under my last post there was some confusion. my heart, what is left goes out to all others who have lost their partner in life, but i am grieving denny and looking for comfort from his loss, so to look on my topic and see that there has been a mix up with people was just abit more than i was able to take at that time. i know loss, great loss and i am just looking for a way through this very dark place with no light in my life to light the way.i'm up at these crazy hours all the time and can't wait for my life to find some balance here, and yet know at the same time that it may never happen. seldom do i venture out the door of my home because i'm affraid of what i don't know!!!! i'm missing my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my heart, and my reason to live...dennis l. kohn...gone 2 weeks from this world and my life. i am physically sick at times, don't eat, don't sleep, i now know what the meaning of "cat nap" is and i hate it!!!! i'm angry with god and angry with everything seems like. i'm going through a vicious cycle that is tearing away what is truely left of my heart and soul., my view on things is so much different, and is ever changing. am i going crazy? sometimes i think so, and in these wee hours of the morning i'm tortured to my limits!! i have to wonder if morning and mourning are connected that way. i miss that face, that smile, and oh god that laugh...what if heaven doesn't really exsit and i wll never see my baby again...can life really end up being that cruel? when the coroner told us that he was "gone" before he ever hit the ground...do they really know that? did he suffer? does anyone but dennis know that? why wasn't i there? why couldn't i keep him home that day?are there answers for any of these questions??????i'm feeling more and more anxious every passing minute and trying to keep a grip on reality is harder and harder to do. this afternoon i pulled out my cell phone and called his....how bad is that and can't even remember what i had to tell him or what question i was gong to ask!!! but when that voice came across the wire....hey this is dennis, leave your name and number and i'll get back with ya...and if this is you baby i luv ya and will call ya right back.........ouch, but yet that voice and the i luv you just shook my soul to it's core....that's all i have for now, time to cry and try to hang on for another round of horrific pain.....thanks for being here.........and i am sorry to each of you that has felt this loss because i do know what it feels like. the gates of hell have opened up where i live........

[kayc]

Don't even allow yourself the question "what if heaven doesn't exist", don't go there, just believe that you WILL see him again...we HAVE to! Besides, there's too many people here who have experienced odd phenomenon to NOT believe they still exist...and we can feel them down inside of us, their strength, the comfort of them.

I'm sorry you're feeling so tortured, I only know we've all felt that and some still are, with some it comes and goes. You will get through this, I just wish it was less painful and arduous a journey.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[mlg]

Joanna

I think you are expecting way too much of yourself at this point. My sleeplessness went on for months and then when I thought it was getting better I started waking in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. The more tired I got the more emotional I got. I think a lot of "us" go through this so you are not abnormal at all. Just sleep when you can and hope it is enough. Please try to eat something to keep your strength up. Your resistance is down anyway and you don't want to get sick on top of everything else.

I don't know if you have read about the steps of grief but it sounds like you are going through several of them at once. Everyone goes through them but in different orders. They may not have anger with God (and that is not unusual because we just don't understand how we can be left behind), but there is probably someone they are mad at.

I can identify with the cell phone thing because I suddenly got paniced because I couldn't remember Tom's voice and didn't have anything that I could listen to. I remembered a friend of his saying he had called him and left a message so I frantically called him and we worked for almost an hour to get it on my answering machine so I could listen to it when I want to. I usually cry after I listen to it but am so glad that I can hear his voice.

Take it easy on yourself and keep coming back here for all the (((((((hugs)))))))) we can give. Know that we are all holding you tight even if we don't post. We know how important that feeling of security and love is.