I'm New Here And Rcently Lost My Mom

[MichA]

The only other forum I’ve participated on is one about colon cancer. I just lost my mom on

March 31 to colon cancer. She was 58. I just turned 30. She was diagnosed in the fall of

2007. So many things happened with doctors and treatments that I really feel like I could have

done more and maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

Part of the amazing part of this story is that I got married last August and at that point my

mom’s cancer was almost gone – the oncologist said “practically in remission” it was looking

sooo good. My mom was able fully enjoy my shower, wedding and party they threw for us the day

after. Then it got worse and worse and worse. She went into the hospital on valentine’s day

and left us on March 31. My parents would have celebrated 40 years of marriage in May.

Thing is everybody told me throughout my mom’s illness how strong I was – I didn’t feel it and

still don’t, but I feel like everybody still expects me to be strong. She was one of my

closest friends and a great mom, I talked to almost every day and I miss her – I miss her so

much. I started writing her letters, like a journal. Throughout all this the one person I

really want to talk to, is my mom – she would know what to say.

We spent time with my parents before she got sick, playing cards and stuff and after she got sick we spent a lot of time

helping them out and visiting. Although I wish I could have done more with respect to doctors and

treatments I have no regrets about doing more for my parents.

The only images I have are her last few minutes. I had said I did not want to be there and I

ended up being alone with her telling her how we all loved her and know she loves us, we’d be

sad and miss her but we’d all be okay and take care of each other. My dad just left for a few

minutes. I try so hard to remember my mom as my mom, but I only have that last look in her eye

when she took her last breath – it’s all I can see. And what I hear her say is her answer to a

question at the oncologist’s, “ I want to live”.

My mom gave me 2 gifts in those last weeks one while she was with us and one after she left.

At my wedding, I wore her wedding band as my “something old” we have the exact same hands and

ring size. So when she was still well enough to talk, she asked if I wanted it – I have it now

(with my dad’s permission of course) and I wear it every day. The second one is the day before

her funeral, my mom was asking over the past several months for a “baby” for Christmas,

unfortunately, I am not pregnant and was not able to give her this news, but you see my mom

always crocheted EVERYBODY baby blankets. And one of the silly things I was sad about is that

when I do have a baby, I won’t have my mom OR a blanket. Well that afternoon I went to my “

room” (at my parents house) and there was this bag on top of my stuff. I was somewhat annoyed

picked it up and said to my husband “what is THIS”? I pulled out an almost completed baby

blanket made by my mom. I cried and cried. While making room for my stuff, I must have pulled

this bag out of the closet and placed it there. It was probably made years ago and completely

forgotten about but there is a part of me that knows in some way or another it was always meant

for me.

My husband has been wonderful all throughout my mom’s illness, but he knows I miss my mom and

he doesn’t know what to do. The ups and downs were many and even though this last time we were

told there would be no “up” of course I hoped. There is so much more to say….

[AnnieO]

I am so sorry about your mom. I know how hard this is. I am glad you found this site , Keep posting, it helps and there are so many wonderful people here.

I am glad you have good memories of your mom and your wedding, what special memories. Hopefully with time the memories like that will replace the memories of her illness and last moments. What a treasure you have with the baby blanket and I have no doubt your mom made sure you found it.

I collect snowglobes and my mom always gave me one every Xmas. She died Dec.7th. A few days after Xmas a box was delivered, inside was a snowglobe, my mom had ordered one before she died, as sick as she was, she didn't forget.

Again , I am so sorry about your mom. Please know you are not alone and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[leeann]

Mich I'm so sorry to hear about your dear Mom.

It's hard... real hard. And I know that Annie is right.... those last awful days... those images.. don't worry; I too have found they DO fade and are replaced by more happy images and memories. But I know what you mean... certain things just stuck in my brain for a bit. But not so much now.

Your hub sounds like a wonderful man and I'm awfully glad he's there for you. Truth is though...this just hurts something awful and I have found there isn't much I can do about the pain... but feel it and express it. I try not to judge it or myself or how I am grieving. We all end up doing what works best for us. I found if I 'fight' feeling the pain.... I feel so much worse. So I just let he tears rip when they arise. (Or as soon as I can grab a minute to myself)

What a blessing to find that blanket! I'm so glad you have that.

Let us know how you are doing...

((((hugs))))

leeann

[rosanne]

I am so sorry about your mom. I have not posted here in a long time. My mom passed away in June 2007 and this sight helped me so very much. I have since just buried my father May 4th of this year. It has been a HARD 3 years. Watching my 2 favorite people in the whole wide world leave me and my family. I was with them both when they passed away, sometimes I wonder if that is a gift or what? It is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. You have to go on and live your life the way that you know they wanted you to live. Do something for others.... My daughter has frantically been trying to get prg. too and has had a lot of fertility issues, well guess what whe found out the day my dad passsed away and guess when the doctor wants her to come in and hear the heart beat? June the 8th (that was my dad's birthday) He works in ways I can not even imagine.

I am thinking of you, and know your pain.

Hey AnnieO

Rosanne

[AnnieO]

Hello Rosanne,

I am so sorry about your dad. I know this is such a sad and lonely time. Its so tough to feel like an orphan, at any age. What an amazing story about your daughter. So, on your dad's b-day you will hear a new heart-beat, a new life. That is so powerful. I miss my parents so much but so often, feel them all around me. I am sure they will be with your daughter when she hears her child's heartbeat. I am glad you posting again.

[rosanne]

AnnieO,

How do you cope being an orphan, when your parents were your life? I was with both of them when they took their last breath.... I am the oldest so therefore have to take care of all of the business.

I have to be the adult, and be there for two very immature brothers, that I adore- I feel like I am their mother instead of their sister. I want to scream... most of the time.... I want to sleep.... I don't want to go to work... I don't want to clean my house.... I don't want to be anywhere! Does this make sense to anyone???? I am trying not to show my grief around my daughter, because expecting should be a happy time for her- (she adored her grandparents, and were there for them every step)

I want to get in the car and leave and not tell anyone where I am, not to worry them.... but that is how I feel. There are no support groups around here, we live in such a small town.... My husband has been supportive, but he still does not know the hurt I feel, how much I loved them. I don't think I had time to grieve for mom (tommorow is her 2 year anniv. of her death) because, I was thrown in to taking 100% care of my dad. It is like it is hitting me like a huge wave and I can't swim. I am taking antidep. and something to help me sleep at night.

Rosanne

[MichA]

Rosanne,

I still have my dad, but am very close to my parents and you just expressed in words exactly how i feel but have been unable to say or write. Except i am the youngest of their 3 kids but still the responsible one who has to get all the paperwork done, make the phone calls and the one who is watching out for my dad etc. etc.

I too feel like nobody knows the feeling i have but you described it perfectly.

You are in my thoughts and I understand how difficult this is.

Michelle

[rosanne]

Michelle

The only way that I know how to cope, is put one foot in front of the other.

It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

I think that it does help to know that there are others out there that know

exactly how you are feeling, or when you do express your feelings, you don't

feel like you are loosing your mind, when others share the same feelings and

thoughts.

My mom was my best friend in the world! I am so sorry for your loss.

I never understood why mom had to go first, she was in such good

health all the time, my dad had been in terrible health every since I could

remember. I did have that time with him and we grew close too, I called

him my BIG baby, because I had to do everything for him.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death 2 years. It seems like she

has bee gone forever.... I miss her so much my heart breaks. I go to their

house every day, and to their graves a lot. I am a lost soul right now.

What are my options? Put one foot in front of the other.

I hope you have a better day!

Rosanne

[Sherr]

WOW! You sound like me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My Mom just died May 21, 2009 and the power of love for a parent is so intense, you want to run. I was in a similar situation, as I am the oldest of 2 and I have been the caregiver for everyone for a very long time. I don't have any kids, but if I did, I have no idea how I would cope, because this has been the icing on my cake. "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. Find it, and read it, I just started and it has given me some insight. I wasn't there when my Mom took her last breath as I could not and would not be able to deal with that. I wanted to remeber her asshe looked, even though she was very ill at the time. I have been off work since May 15, and in therapy as I know that this is my limit. The emotional roller coaster is so horrible, and I won't be kind about it, but try reading, going online. I am the strongest person I know, but when my chest feels like I have a black mass in it and my heart is racing when I am at rest, there is something there that no one can describe, unless they have been there, and this is now, what I know. The last 5 mths for me have been over the top stressful, not only did my Mom get hospitalized 3 times, but my Dad had a stroke in Feb, so because I am the oldest, and most responsible, I have to bear both crisis, my sister isn't even mentioned as she has her own issues. I am not surprised that after a year of not smoking, that I haven't started again, but that is my willpower. So , to you I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!! I am now taking Antidep. and I take something to sleep as I have been taking obver the counter sleep meds for the last 5 mths and could figure out why they were not doing the job. I am taking it one day at a time, because that is all I can take. I definately feel what you are feeling....

[cubby]

Hi All,

I too have read Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. There are many books out there that can help. It does help to know that others are having similar feelings and to know that you are not going crazy nor are you alone. This is a wonderful website and allows us all to support each other. Grief is a process that we all must deal with in our own way. There is no right or wrong way. Also it does help to have supportive family or friends. Don't try to rush your feelings there is no race to "get over it". There will be times that will trigger deep feelings and gradually this won't be as frequent, but we will always miss and grieve for our love ones.

Just when I think things are better something triggers the tears. I've learned not to try to hold them back. You will feel better if you allow them to flow. Take care everyone!

Cubby

[joanr48]

My mother passed away on June 24, 2009,I miss her so much. I took her out of a nurseing home to live out the time she had left It was so great to have with me and my husband. I did things for her that I thought I wouldn't do for anyone. what I did for her wasn't as hard as not see her again. I had a piece missing in my heart that I don't think will every get better.

People alway ask me how I doing,I alway say I'm O.K. but I'm NOT O.K. I know that life goes long, but for me right now it's in slow motion. My sister just tells me to suck it up. Moms in a better places. The only place that I would like my Mom is at home with me now.

My heart goes out to all of you that sat with your love one, gave them baths, took them to the bathroom. cleaned them up when you had to and to be with them in their last second of life. And I do know that we would all do it again in a heart beat if we could turn the clock back, I know I would.

Joan

[MichA]

Hi Joan,

I know what you mean, I always say i'm OK too, and then get asked - just OK? and i say yes, just Ok. I think it doesn't matter how much time we got to spend with them, we always wish there was more. I'll continue to be just Ok, until hopefully one day i'll be good. I did go get the book motherless daughters referred to above and although i just started, it definitely validates some of my feelings that i thought were mine alone.

Take care

Michelle