Crying Today - Ashes Are On Their Way

[sadwidow]

Hi, I am lost without my best friend, but coping now. My name is Karen and my husband had a massive cardiac arrest on April 11th. He was at the train station in Chicago with a friend/co-worker from India about to show him "his city". He was eating Popeye's and on his cell with me discussing our evening plans after he'd get home.

He never came home. He dropped the phone and passed out. There were enough people there, someone called the EMT's. I hung on my phone listening to the chaos pacing my deck in shock, hoping he was helping someone else. After 3-4 minutes (seemed like 20) his friend picked up the cell phone and told me that my husband just fell over. We hoped the EMT's got there in time. They restarted his heart in the van on the way to the best hospital in Chicago, only a mile or so away. There he was cath'ed (the blockage stented) and cooled with the Arctic Sun protocol.

His sister and I got there as soon as we could - we are in suburbs over an hour away. We heard what they did to save him. We had to wait at least 24 hours to warm him and hope he awoke, say "what happened?" and he would have another chance at life. After 72 hours the head of Neurology and 6 more doctors told us that his brain was damaged too much. He had seizures whenever they stopped the strong meds.

On that last morning, before they told me, I was STILL HOPEFUL. As he seemed to have his eyes open a bit, looking at me, I explained to him that he had a blockage but it was FIXED and now he just has to wake up and be okay. A tear fell from the corner of his eye and he seemed to be telling me "Goodbye - I'm Sorry to leave you this way".

I cry whenever that image comes to mind. I hope it fades soon. Hours later the doctors told me the sad facts and we realized he'd never want to live in a coma on meds hooked up to tubes. We let pallative care take over the next morning after the family all said their goodbyes. He died, again, that afternoon. It was the WORST week of my life.

That Saturday people came who knew and loved him. They'd come from near and far, lining the streets, to "celebrate his life". His sister and I knew that would be the way he'd want it.

I was so afraid and scatterbrained that I could barely function at first. I know he'd want me to take care and I am. I know he'd want me to continue my routine and do what I need to do, but I am so sad - I don't know if I will ever be happy again. My family (and his) are very supportive and I need them and their hugs. But our home seems so empty. My daughter says I am very strong. I don't know...

Crying today. His ashes are on the way. We will scatter them in our gardens on Memorial Day. I know he'd want it that way. I will still love him - every day.

I am glad I found this site to tell my story and hope to help you all cope with your losses too, as best I can - and get comfort from you all cuz that seems to be what this site is all about. I do NOT want to share face-to-face. I need privacy in my mourning. But, that's just me.

We all must grieve in our own way and in our own time, let ourselves feel pain and cry when we have to. It is part of life, death is, hard as it is to lose those we love. I believe he is here with me every moment, watching, advising, and caring how I cope. He sends me signs, eye twitches when I feel anger and frustration at his passing. Then I found doves kissing and copulating on my deck railing and I think he wants to remind me to think only of the best times of our lives. Look for signs, our loves are angels watching over us and waiting for us in that great beyond. It helps me. I hope this helps you.

-Sad Widow

[singledad2]

Karen,

Your story is absolutely heartbreaking. It brings back so many memories of the loss of my wife 13 months ago today. She too, died suddenly and without any warning whatsoever. Picturing you watching him as the tear ran from his eye brought tears to my eyes. You sound like you are doing your absolute best to 'keep the machine' rolling. You have come to a great place to vent and to share your thoughts, fears, and other emotions. There are many of us here who prefer this outlet to one of 'face-to-face', though direct grief counseling has certainly helped a good many others I'm sure.

You have a long road ahead of you as you attempt to rebuild your life and find a way to discover a new 'normal' that includes everyone you knew before except your husband. Rather than telling you that everything will be alright, I'll be blunt and say that for now, it's going to totally suck! You will think you are being strong and suddenly be reminded of his smile, the mischevious look he sometimes gave you, or the little things he did to show you how much he cared, and you will well up inside and overflow. These are not signs of weakness. They are very real emotions that need to be experienced if the healing process is to begin. Cry as much and as often as you need to. It's okay. If there are times when you feel like smiling or laughing, please do so. You don't have to put on a 'good show' or 'bad show' for anyone. You are someone who has very human emotions and it is completely okay to allow those emotions to come through.

Anytime you need to share, please come here to post. There are many caring individuals who have been where you are and have found a way to make it through the darkest hours.

Do take care,

SD2

[JeanneC]

Dear Karen:

I am sorry to hear about your loss and the way your husband passed away. I know about those last images and they seem to never disappear. Sometimes you think that they do disappear and then they come back. But you have to hang in there and get through this tough time. I lost my husband 10 months ago to a heart attack. He lasted 5 months in the hospital with a heart that was only 10-15% functional. He eventually died on June 28, 2008 of septic shock.

You have come to the right place. People here are just wonderful and have gotten me through some depressing times.

Again, I want to say I am very sorry.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Karen,

I'm sorry to hear your tragic story, that you lost your husband. You will find comfort and encouragement here on this site, and will realize here with these people that what you go through is normal and you are not alone. I wish so much for you in the days ahead...you are right, that was the worst week of your life. Please come back here any time to share and express yourself. Let us know how you are doing as the ashes arrive...

[marsha]

Karen - I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband - that time of hearing, waiting, and hoping must have felt like hell on earth. I am awed by your perspective, so early in your journey. I'm glad you could tell your story here. Like you, I'm reticent in my grief and I want my privacy - but I've found this forum to be a safe and supportive place where I could let out my emotions. A sad welcome, Hugs, Marsha

[dpodesta]

Karen,

My thoughts are with you as you start this journey, you have a good understanding of this site already which will be a big help. I lost my wife (Karen) a little over 3 years ago while we were on vacation. This site has been a big help and I have found that through helping others on this site it has given me healing. Most people don't realize this early in their grief that they can be a help to others, however as you have noted that you hope you can help someone else. This is what this is all about and even someone as new into this as you are can help someone that is at the very begining. I hope to hear more from you as time continues.

Love always

Derek

[sadwidow]

Karen here again,

I appreciate all the supporting replies to my story. I felt the need to share it and get some virtual hugs. Thanks so much! I will peruse the forum and try to help others over time when I can. Not today. I expect the post office Dude to ring the doorbell today - or Monday...

This does seem the week to work in the gardens. They are still full of scrub from winter (and dozens of yellow practice golf balls my hubby lost last season). I love to garden usually and hope I can work and think about only good things this week. I'm later than usual, but the tulips and daffodils are up brightening the yard anyway. I need to get them ready by the Saturday before Memorial Day - when my family and his best friends will help spread the ashes in them.

Thanks again EVERYONE here!

Karen

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Karen

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please keep posting here because it has helped me beyond words. Has the post office dude been yet? How do you feel now? I DREADED getting Cliff's ashes, but when I drove him home, I found that I got some comfort from having him with me. I kiss him goodnight every day and talk to a big photo of him on my wall. Don't care if anyone thinks I'm nuts

I think it's lovely that his family and friends are joining you for this occasion. I am going to do something similar, but because Cliff and I (and our rottweiler!) all loved fireworks so much, I am having a firework made to contain some of his ashes so that we can send him high up. That way I will feel like he is all around me watching over me till I join him.

I hope the weekend goes well and I wish you strength to get through it as best you can.

xx

[sadwidow]

He's HOME now and I'm ok

I did my cryin' yesterday

Gardening helps me in my way

But I'll appreciate some hugs later today

Thanks, Boo

I also ended up feeling better, as did his sister, when the "box" arrived. (Someone forgot to bring it to the Post Office last week. They found it on a desk when I called, so they drove it out - and hour and a half each way, and they came while I was out gardening.)

I brought it in and set it down under his photo on the wall. I also talk to his picture a lot and kiss it occasionally.

Now I have to open the box, get the certificates out and begin the next dreaded tasks to close accounts and deal with money issues - a dreaded task anyway...

-Karen

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Karen

it's weird how we get comfort from having their ashes, but we do. Go gentle on yourself, it has taken me 4 months to get everything done. (I tend to put off stuff that I find hard to do emotionally, therefore it has taken me 6 weeks to instruct the bank to pay off the mortgage, because it was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.)

When I went to the bank I told them that I didn't want them to remove his name from the cheque books etc. They were very sweet but firm with me

Good luck with all the paperwork ... sending you strength

xx

[marsha]

Karen - the paperwork will get done in good time. I've found the legal process is like a snail crawling - it took 6 months just to settle Joe's estate (and it was relatively simple). Do what you can, when you can. P.S., I find that playing in the dirt helps me, too. Hugs, Marsha

[valley]

Dear Karen,

My husband has been dead 9 months now and I can relate to much of what you have written. The image of my husbands face just before he died stays with me too. His last word was my name.

I also garden, and it does bring comfort. It is something both Tom and I liked, raising flowers and vegetables. Pulling weeds, digging, watch new growth appear. It is emotionally fulfilling and REAL.

I am glad you got your husbands ashes and have a plan for them and to share that event with your loved ones. My husband died away from home, where we were getting treatments for his cancer. When he died I had him cremated and then flew home to Canada with his ashes. I was pleasantly surprised that the airport agent was sensitive to my carrying them on board with me. I kept telling my daughter, who was with me, we are taking dad home. I asked a good friend of Tom's and mine who is a ceramic artist to make an urn for them which she did. Tom sits in this lovely container in my living room. For now I really like to have him here at home with me. As dumb as this sounds, when we were deep in snow this winter, I felt happy that Tom was warm and inside with me.

I have photos of Tom all over the house and also enjoy talking to him in those photos and blowing kisses to him. For me he is still an active person in my life, in my heart and head. And I have had 4 dreams of Tom. Each one was a blessing. I am keeping a journal of them....as I do hope he appears more and more. But in each of these 4 dreams, he was natural looking, happy, involved and mostly giving me the feeling that things were "ok". The last dream found he and I driving on a mountain road and we drove over a canyon and I looked down and there was no road under the car and I said, "Tom there is no road under us" and he smiled and said its fine. And soon we were driving back on a road. He just looked so good in this dream.

I am glad you have shared your story and I am there with you. Please go gentle with yourself and do whatever you think you need to do. All is ok. I think there are no rules for how one goes through this process. But support and love for how we do it, that is what counts.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Karen

I don't think you've posted for a while - how are you doing? Please come back and talk to us xx