What Were Your Plans?

[Lucia Abeytia]

Leann i know exactly what you are going threw..i went threw 6yrs of surgeries procrdures ane everything in between with Ben...I was like you he had done everything and i dependent on him so much...When he got sick i had to be the strong one and the tables turned he now dependent on me!!!!!!!!He did'nt talk to anyone but me about what was going on and i always hid my feelings from him. I too spent many a night just laying next to him and crying when he was asleep...so i know what you are going threw...Just take one day at a time and enjoy your time with him and don't let things stress you to much just hold him and love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1lol lucia

[jescole]

Well I appreciate that offer Kath.. sincerely. So, thank you very much.

My hub doesn't talk too much about it to anyone but me either. I poke him a bit sometimes to talk to two of his closeest friends when I'm thinking he might need to unload to someone other than me. But I gotta poke him.. ya know? lol But hey.. at least he then makes an attempt.. so I can't complain.

But I'm grateful to you.

XO

leeann

Leeann,

My name is Jescole and this is my first post. My husband passed away April 27th after fighting lung cancer for 11 months. He too was

very quiet and didn't talk alot about his disease...I think I found the solution when I asked him if we could set up a place in the

computer so that we could both write to each other...and document how he felt health wise and to write about fears, expectations etc..

I then would write if I found something online about a new treatment, drug....I would find people on forums that were winning their

battle with lung cancer as a way to support him so he would continue to fight the fight. He also upon diagnosis was computer illiterate,

so this was one of his goals...he was finally going learn his way around a computer... What ever came of the documentation...I printed it and have found great comfort reading it...My grandbaby who he helped raise for the last 3 plus years will be able to read it when she gets old enough and know that gampy loved her fiercely...Once he started to post he shared his fears, he as able to then talk about wanting to die here at home and he was able to tell me how much he loved me...all on paper!!

[ELHG]

Hi everybody, I am a widow twice. I know about unfinished plans too.

My second husband and I had plans. We talked about traveling... discussed it a lot while we were dating. Then, after our marriage on Valentines Day 2009, our time ran out. He died ten days later, and we never had a chance to travel together.

I'm not much of a traveler by myself, because I get lost so easily and it scares me. But I've purchased a Garmin GPS, and I've been practicing some freeway driving close to home. And... I've started taking some short day trips to attractions that aren't real far away. I've even stayed overnight once in Prescott AZ.

This is all new to me, and accomplishing the "art of travel" makes me feel proud. I wanted to honor my dear man this way, to still travel like we were going to do together. It is almost like we are together as I learn to find my way around. If you want to, you could read more about my travel attempts in my blog, MR. G. AND ME. (see website addresses below.)

from ELHG (MY WIDOW'S WALK - http://my-widows-walk.blogspot.com/ )

(MR. G. AND ME - http://mrgandme-elhg.blogspot.com/ )

[kayc]

Leanne,

There is a vast difference in being independent and confident and in pulling back emotionally. It's always good to work on our esteem and confidence whether in a relationship or not. George and I were extremely close and I don't regret any of that, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. I am learning my value does not depend on another person, but it was wonderful to have had someone in my life that we mutually adored one another...not only wonderful, but rare.

I'm sure you'll find what works best for you, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders!

Kay

[leeann]

Thanks Kayc

I am learning my value does not depend on another person

That's what I'm learning as well. (Been learning that on many levels for a loooong time.)

And some of my emotion sharing was over the top and me just being dependent on him for things that I need to count on myself for. It's an onion thing... I master one layer.... and peel it back.. and .... there is another layer of work to be done. lol

It's one thing to "run things by him" because I want to.... it's quite another to need to. I'm working towards "want to" and trying to move away from "need to".

leeann

[kayc]

Leeann,

That sounds quite healthy!

Kay

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I want to share with you an interesting article I read online this morning that fits this discussion: ‘Don’t Leave Me Here Without You’ - Why Caring For a Spouse is So Difficult, by Carol O'Dell, http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-grief/dealing-with-loss/death-of-a-spouse/dont-leave-me-here-without-you-why-caring-for-a-spouse-is-so-difficult/ ://http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-...-so-difficult/

[leeann]

Thanks for that link Marty! I could identify with much of it.

Ya know we have both had occasions (well, he had exactly one occasion & I have had quite a few more than that) where we have said to each other...

"If you die on me... I'm gonna kill you!" "Don't you leave me here with these kids by myself!"

Sure we were "joking".. but not completely.. you know what I mean?

Before my hub's big surgery in 07.. I blatantly brought up.. what no one wants to bring up.. the biggest "What if" of all. Two days before the surgery I did this. And I asked him.. to go over once again who I call at work... where are the insurance policies..what did you pay this month already and what remains to be paid... who would I call for help with (fill in the blank)etc. I told him what I wanted to tell him.. so nothing would have been left unsaid. And ya know... after that conversation... I think we both were calmer about everything.

I had kinda waited to see if he would bring it up.. but he didn't.. so I did. I needed to refresh my weary mind of these details and knowing all of that info made me feel much more calm about the whole thing. And I wanted to be sure to make the opportunity to say whatever I wanted/needed to say to him.

But there was much in this article that I will probably refer to again and again. (Yes..I've bookmarked it.)

It isn't easy.. not by a long shot. But this article articulates the difficulties & the humanity of it without scaring me. LOL

So thanks Marty!

leeann