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Was It Not A Good Idea?

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Umm It's been 2 months to this day my mother has passed(October 6, 2004). I just keep asking myself was it a mistake I stayed by her casket the whole time of the service? I am asking myself this because I just keep having the last image of her at the viewing poping up in my head all the time. Weither I am driving my car, sleeping, or just working. We had a 3 hour service and I stayed by her side every minute!!!! I could leave her, it was almost like i was protecting her from everyone.... I still to this day wake up at 2:10am (the time she died) without fail.. What does all this mean? Is it because I wasnt there for her when she died, guilt? What should I do? It's just all so hard to deal with. So much has gone wrong this year and still keeps going bad. God how can I get 2005 to be better... All I do to get through all this hurt is hold my daughters and dont let them go.. So afraid of losing them next... Where is all this fear coming from?

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I don't really have any real answers for you about why it's happening but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

My mom died in May and I still can picture every second of the last few days of her life and the moment she died. Somedays I think that is the only thing I will ever be able to remember.....I try to block it out with some happy memory, which I can do for about 1 second, and then the end comes back to me. I believe in my heart that time will help and I believe in my heart that someday I will be able to have happy memories but right now it's all I can do to not cry all the time.

I know without a doubt that my mom would want me to be happy and that she would want me to remember all the good things we shared and not the sad parting that we had.

Please try to hang in there and just try to remember all the love and some happy memory whenever you picture the sad.....and, as alone as you may feel, please know you are not and that others truly understand how you feel.

Wishing you peace....

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