Sigh

[missing B]

Well my father left today for a 5 week trip to France to visit relatives. His aunt is turning 100 next month and he had made these plans to go be there for that last year. I think it really sucks that he is gone.

The death certificates just arrived Tuesday. He spent all Wednesday running around trying to get stuff taken care of and get packed to leave. In his haste he ended up doing some things that upset my sister's boyfriend. I tried to talk to him and I hope I helped him see that my dad is who he is and Im 99.98% possitive that he didnt do any of it intentionally. My dad has always been presumptous and at 65 I dont think there is much hope of him changing that now.

I agree that what he did do was rude, but its happened. Yes its not going to be the most comfortable situation for my sister's boyfriend for a little while, but he will be moving in a few months.

I do know that all of this on top of B dieing (why is it so hard for me to actually use that word?) is just stressing me even more. Im going to have to wait until my father gets back to get the medical examiner's report (again autopsy is just too difficult to say). He never went to get it. I dont know where to go to get it, and I dont know if they would give it to me anyway if I knew who "they" were.

Sometimes I wish that my sister's boyfriend would just take off with the baby. I dont really want that to happen, but I feel like Im waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something else horrible to happen. If he disapeared with the baby then I could just grieve the loss of B and my nephew and go on.

Not having any garantee that I'll always be able to see him (if my sister were here there wouldnt be any worry about that at all. We fought but we never let an arguement come between her and my son. If she wanted to spend time with him or I needed her to watch him she would do it in a heartbeat even if we werent talking to each other; and I think I can safely say that the same would have been said with me and my nephew), its making me nuts. I want to just gobble him up, but like I said I keep waiting for something to happen..its like the antisipation of ripping off a bandaid. I just know its going to hurt if I do it.

I really hate that Ive learned that I have no control over anything. I used to be a very structured person. I worked well with a schedule and planning. I was happy that I knew what to expect was coming next. How do I get back to being able to do that? You cant plan for this. There arent any garantees that Im going to have the same life tomorrow as I do at this moment. I just keep thinking that all the other people I love will disapear. I feel lost without B to talk to.