Does The Grief Journey Have An 18-month Milestone?

[KathyG]

Does anyone know, or has anyone read anywhere, that widows or widowers often go through a meltdown 18 months after their spouse dies? I thought I had read that this happens commonly, but I haven't been able to find that passage anywhere in my books on dealing with grief.

I'm at the 18-month point now and going through an intense grief relapse. So I'm wondering if it's just me having a setback at this particular time, or if a meltdown at 18 months is a common rite of passage for mourners.

[fred]

Hi Kathy,

Sorry to hear you are going through another particularly bad patch now. I don´t recall a difficult span at that point, but after that first year, the ups and downs didn´t have as much of a pattern as I see in everyone´s early grief. The roller coaster seems to be affected more by individual circumstances at your stage than the more general guidelines. Being well beyond the second anniversary, I am now able to look back on each down cycle and discern the causes for each, but not at the time they occur. In fact, right now there is a light depression causing me restless nights again and while I think I can see an instigating event, it really isn´t important. I know that these will come and go (probably for the rest of my life) and am no longer afraid of them. They are part of the grieving and healing process. Just continue to care for yourself, get your rest when you can, etc. and you will get through. (((Hugs)))

[Bdzack]

Hi Kathy,

Sorry you had to join our group. My spouse passed nearly 16 months ago, suddenly without warning. Your question intrigued me. I did an internet search on "18 months after spouse dies" and had several responses. The most meaningful was http://www.momlogic.com/2008/10/you_can_di...broken_hear.php was the most informative.

But I think it is the information you are trying to remember.... has to do with the old wives tale that when you lose one spouse the other will follow shortly. Bottom line...take care of yourself and find something else to live for.

Thanks for the topic it made me think and maybe gave me the resolution to overcome the "old wives tale". (((Hugs)))Bdzack

[kath]

Dear Kathy,

I don't remember a specific 18-month relapse, although I just had Bob's 2-year anniversary yesterday and the whole 2 months beforehand seemed to take the wind out of me again. Looking back, I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to start feeling better, probably because I had days or moments where I really felt I was okay. From reading your other recent posts, you've been giving a lot of yourself to others. I sort of did the same, in gratitude for the help that I received, but it is still early and while giving is good, we are still in a fragile state. So, maybe it just caught up with you. Emotionally, you've been there for a friend and your sister and you are still trying to make your way through the ruins. Continue to do what you can, but don't make everyone else such a priority that your needs and your release gets put on the back burner. And don't think a setback is having to start all over. You are in a better space at this time than you were 18 months ago. What expectations have you set for yourself? Maybe you need to reevaluate them for now. Love and loss are intense. They took time to nurture, so don't feel you need to rush the grieving. I guess all we can do is ride the waves as the tides come in. They will be calm again soon.

Take care,

Kath

[kayc]

I'm not sure if we all experience everything on the same timetable...I know around six months seems hard because shock wears off and reality sets in as we realize they aren't going to walk through the door again, etc. Anniversary of death seems a hard time. Second year surprisingly doesn't seem better although we're done with the "firsts without", maybe that takes us by surprise. But for me the third year seemed better in that I'd finally processed things and the overwhelming intensity dulled somewhat and I felt like I could breathe again...the missing doesn't go away and neither does the love.

But 18 months specifically I can't recall...