Not Ready For This

[LarrysGirl]

Hi everyone,

Most of you know I lost Larry over three yrs. ago and it has been very very hard. My heart has not healed. My body is falling apart and my finances are crumbling. Plus the anxiety and panic are still with me. I was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure. While that was a surprise, it shouldn't have been considering the stress of taking care of Larry several years while he was sick and then after his death, not being able to stop and take a deep breath. The medicine did not agree with me after many weeks and I talked to the dr. about the side effects I was having. They took me off of it and I have to go back for them to decide what's next. I felt awful on the medicine and am VERY leary of taking anything else. I kid myself that maybe if I just relax I can fix the problem but with all the stress in my life, thats not likely to happen.

My son is moving out, which while it is time, he took me by surprise and unfortunately for me, he and I were sharing the rent, etc. Now I will have to go it alone and I can't afford to. In addition, I will be alone and dread the thought. I at least knew at night there was someone else here. He's a great son and it has been a comfort knowing he would be coming home from work and there was another human being in the house. This is triggering my grief and feels like another loss (even if it is time for him to move on). I'm scared. I don't want to have to rent a room out (I would hate having a stranger in my house). I'm trying to figure out my options, I really don't want to move now. I have Larrys and my two dogs that I am not going to get rid of, no matter what. This feels like its too much. I can't think straight but I have to be able to think to figure out what to do next. Larry would be so sad to see my life crumbling without him. I still think it would be easier to join him. Sorry for this long post, thanks for listening. Deborah

[mrspapajohn]

Oh, Deborah - - - I am so sorry that you are going through all this. The high blood pressure, I have it too and had to try several medications before they found one that I could tolerate. Don't give up; just keep telling your doctor what works and what doesn't. What we are going through takes a terrible toll on our bodies and our minds. I had cardiac bypass surgery about a year before Stephen died. The doctor keeps telling me to avoid stress. Of course, that is not possible.

I can totally empathize with you on finances. In addition to all the pain of losing our beloveds, most of us have had our incomes cut in half too. I should have moved long ago because I simply cannot afford the house I am living in, but here I am. I guess I will end up waiting until the last minute because I just cannot get myself to take on the project of moving. It seems insurmountable.

I imagine that it will take time before you get used to living without your son. You sound so brave when you say that it is time for him to move, and it probably is, but I believe that you may experience a kind of grief when he leaves. At first, it is very hard to be alone. In time, you get used to it and sometimes you even get to prefer it. Even though you can't imagine prefering to be alone when it first happens. I am so glad that you have the dogs. I would be lost without my cats. They are the best listeners in the world.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Take deep breaths and take care of yourself. It will get better.

Kathy

[mlg]

Deborah

I'm glad you realize it is time for your son to move on but I know how hard it has to be. It is another "grief" and you will be starting from the beginning again and yet it will be different because you will get to see him from time to time.

As far as the medication goes, there will be some that make you tired; but if that is the fact ask if you can take them at night so you are most tired when you would be sleeping anyway. It usually only takes 2-4 weeks to get over the majority of this. If it isn't something major maybe you can tolerate it because the high blood pressure could cause a heart attack or stroke so you have to get it under control.

You don't say if you have a large house. Is it something you could sell and get a little smaller place? With the prices in the housing market maybe you could get something cheaper, yet nice and still be able to keep your dogs and a lot of the other things that are important to you.

I know that you know you can always come here for love.

[Boo Mayhew]

Deborah, I'm sorry that you are scared. I wish that I wasn't scared so much too (of thunder, or lightning, of the wind at night, of weirdo's) ... it's bad enough hurting, but being scared on top is too much.

I remember my Mom crying when I moved out ... so you will have those feelings as well as the sadness of being alone. Actually you won't be alone as you have your two dogs (same as me!) ... and I have to say that sometimes I need the solitude so I can gather my thoughts and cry as hard as I need to. But I understand what you are saying.

Do you work? If so, how about putting up an advertisement there for a boarder (so that they won't be a stranger and you know that you are safe, and so is your house)? Am guessing that you don't want to leave your home because it is the home you shared with Larry?

Let us know how you get on

xx

[ustwo]

Deborah, I am so sorry that you are struggling with so many issues right now. I'm approaching the 4 year mark and I do understand how grief continues to take it's toll on all of us. For me I've reconciled myself to the fact that "grief" is part of me now........it has to be since I carry Gene's love deep inside of my heart and soul. Melt downs come and I just don't fight them anymore......they will pass.

I am sorry you are facing your son leaving. What a brave Mom you are to recognize that your son must live his own life. It is stressful and you must take care of yourself because no matter what your family needs you in their lives. I remember when my Mother told me she was tired of living (2 yrs before she died). I told her that no matter what I needed her in my life....I needed her voice and laughter...just knowing she was there. She passed 3 months before my darling Gene passed. You have survied the most pain I think we all can go through............you can survive this. I don't deal with stress very well anymore and I just tend to ignore those things and just let things fall where they may. Finances, well like all of us, it's a tough adjustment......it's almost cruel. But somehow that too has taken care of itself...don't shop....doesn't take too much to feed 1....close off rest of house from cooling and heating....little things for me make it managable and I am grateful for managable.

Please Deborah continue to seek out the medical help. Your children really do need you. Our furry companions depend totally on us and are there loving us no matter what. It doesn't fill that empty spot in your heart.......nothing ever will. Sometimes the solitude in my own space is what I need. For me it's helped me in this grief journey.

Thank you Deborah for being there when I needed a helping hand as we've traveled this road. Please take care of yourself. You have many friends here that dearly love you.

[missingcharlie]

I, too, understand about your financial issues! Just thinking the other day how much my life has changed in the past 4 1/2 years since I lost Charlie. I have pretty much lost everything - the house, my vehicle - I will be filing bankruptcy by the end of the year. Guess everyone has the "right" to file at some point in their lives and I guess it's my time.

I live alone, too, (except for my 2 kitties) and I have actually gotten used to it. I also do not want a stranger living with me - I like my privacy. Just found out yesterday that the place I work for is closing another 2 of it's stores, which only leaves the one I manage and one other. Fortunately for me....I still have a job there. I do start to panic, at times, when I think about the fact that I could be laid off - have NO idea what I would do at that point (other than cry!) Guess I would be moving in with friends or a relative (that would be terrible). I think the worst part is that we don't have our loves to hold on to in these trying times. I miss my Charlie so much!!!

This month on the 10th he would have been 51 and then the 17th we would have been married 20 years. Makes me so sad!!

Everyone, take care!!! We can only do what we can do......

Hugs to all!!!!

Patti

[valley]

Deborah,

I can feel all the varied issues you are dealing with that accompany your grief. It can seem too much. So little pieces at a time make it easier. You do have to deal with your health.

It is so hard when your children leave home and yet it is a tribute to you. This is the natural progression and means you have raised a self sufficient young adult.

Being alone. I was always afraid to be home alone and wasn't very much in my 39 years with Tom. Now the house is empty. A big house. Mostly I have gotten over being jumpy each time the house creaks, or a pine cone hits the roof, or for that matter a bear tears into my compost bin. I can be ok in the evening leaving the curtains open, something I could never have imagined only a few months ago. I am gradually becoming familiar with all the noise that a house makes and learning to relax with it. It takes time. It is possible.

The last few days I have felt such sadness, seeming to slip back down into a heavier layer of grief. I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that Tom is GONE. I still call him. I beg him to come back, one more time. Just for a minute. It is that deep friendship that I long for.

I know that this heaviness will lift and I will engage myself in some activity that allows me to move forward. When my son stops by to visit , I feel full for the moment. And we run around and fix things and he lifts heavy things for me and we work side by side as he teaches me how to do some of the things that my husband always did. He helps me, but he wants me to feel confident in my own home, which I love.

I understand your reluctance to take someone into your house. A stranger. I have thought of that too and it is more than I can handle now. I also, like many of you, need and want my private space. I have to make my way slowly, in my own way.

Please take care of your health first! It makes such a difference when you feel relatively healthy.

Bless you, Valley

[marsha]

Deb - Yet another of life's stages to go through, whether we like it or not - you've been such a comfort here, such a friend - I wish I could wave a magic wand and help. I don't know the circumstances of what you owe on the house, but would it be an option to put it on the market and downsize to something more affordable? I have to say, being alone is not the worst thing. At first it was pretty horrible, but I've come to find my home a place where I can just be me. Even though I do talk to myself. Please continue to monitor your health; we love and care for you here. Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Deborah,

I am so sorry you are experiencing this new loss in your life, and yes, new losses seem to drudge up the old ones...

I also did not like the medicine my doctor put me on for anxiety, it wasn't helping and it made me extremely tired, so I went on line and researched it myself and what I came up with is "Buspirone" or Buspar as the generic is called. It is in a class of it's own and is perfectly safe and does NOT make me sleepy! I love it, it helps my anxiety and doesn't leave me feeling fake, it's more like how I'd be if I just didn't have the anxiety. I love it so much that I intend to stay on it for life. It has basically given me my life back. You might want to talk to your doctor about it, but do look it up for yourself beforehand.

You are very dear to all of us, and we are so sorry to see you hurting. I pray a solution will come to you about your finances. I hear you, I'm in the same boat, and it's been very hard to stay afloat on my own. I remember after George died, a (rich) widow telling me I should take a cruise. Ha! I didn't even know how I was going to pay the bills! Not all of us had 1/2 million dollar life insurance policies, and like someone else said, most of us had our incomes cut in half.

Perhaps it'd be easier for you to accept your son leaving if he had a certain time he'd come back to visit on a regular basis, something for you to look forward to that you could reasonably count on. After my dad passed away, I visited my mom once a week all the time my kids were little and it gave her something to look forward to.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you,

Love,

Kay