Fifth Month Anniversary Of Stephen's Death

[mrspapajohn]

My dear husband Stephen died on January 6, 2009. I honestly believed that the worst was befind me. Ater all, I stopped crying all the time, 24 hours a day or whenever I wasn't sleeping at least. And I could actually hear his name without totally losing it. But, somehow, this monthly anniversary was the worst day I've had yet. Although I rarely, just about never, dream coherenly about Stephen, the night before this fifth month anniversary I dreamt that Stephen was alive. I swear, I felt his arm around me as I lay sleeping. I dreamt that the doctors were giving him dialysis and I even said to one that they must have hope that he would live if they were doing that. The doctor turned to me and said, "We don't want you to get your hopes up and then have your heart broken." I responded, "My heart is already smashed into a million pieces." Then, I looked into my husband's beautiful face and he just smiled at me.

Then I woke up. For a minute, I looked beside me to see if Stephen was really there. All that was there in our bed was the flat space where he should be lying still. It was like losing him all over again. I believe that I cried non-stop all day and I wonder just how long his can go on. I read the other posts here and I wonder at the strength and courage of others who are going through the same thing. I know that I am supposed to morph into a new life. One without Stephen. But I don't want to. I just cannot picture my life without him for good or bad. I am like the walking dead myself. Life without Stephen holds no joy for me. I sometimes see how faith is helping some on this site, but I am not a spiritual person, so I get no comfort from that.

Thank you for letting me vent here. I love each and every one of you here. I feel that we are somehow united by ths dark, horrible pain of unspeakable loss.

Kathy

[marsha]

Kathy - I could feel your words in my heart as I read them. For me, although I try, words simply can't express what this last 11 months have been. I had a dream similar to yours, in that Joe was lying next to me - I swear it was real; like you, it sent me into a tailspin. Please forgive me for being crude, but the one question that popped into my brain very frequently in the first 6 months or so, and even now, occasionally, was "what's the f---king point?" What am I doing this for? Why? Not finding an answer, I just congratulated myself for getting up every day and doing what I had to do, whether I wanted to or not.

Yes, it changes. I know now that the grief waves will come, it's just a matter of when. But there are also many times I find myself atop the mountain, rather than in the valley. From the great folks here, I realize that this is "normal", and I try just to let it come, cry and scream if I have to, then let it go. The roller coaster analogy is apt. A memory that comes back to me frequently is of my mother. She was home from the hospital only 3 weeks after her 2nd brain tumor operation when my father died of a massive stroke. I remember her withdrawing into herself, gathering strength. I remember watching her face, and I remember her inner strength. She's gone 8 years now, but a lot of the "strength" I have, I have from her.

Please be gentle on yourself, Kathy - not that I'm one to give advice, there are so many more folks here who are 2, 3, and more years into this. But I understand what you're saying. Hugs, Marsha

[LarrysGirl]

Kathy, I wanted you to know I was thinking of you today and wishing there was a way to make it all better. It hurts my heart to read your posts and others who are early in your grief. I remember a dream when I swore I felt Larry's hand touch my cheek and I woke up startled in disbelief that he wasn't standing there. I know it hurts like nothing you've ever felt and maybe it helps alittle to know we understand, we feel it too. The "new" life takes ALOT of time and if you are like me I've been kicking and screaming all the way, so I don't have a life yet, still just an existence. Love, Deborah

[WendyJ]

Deb I am glad it is not just me feeling like that. I thought I was truly over the worst of all this, but no. All it took for me was going to a family party this past weekend where you think I would be most comfortable but that seems to be when it hurts the most as Steve should have been there, I should not have been alone. The drive over my Aunts was lonely, the day was lonely the drive back home at night was lonely. Seems like I start to get a life, then it gets taken away just as soon as I start to feel happy, so like you I feel like just an existance...and a lonely one at that.

Love Always,

Wendy

[kath]

Dear Kathy,

You are strong and you are experiencing the greatest pain of all. There's not a person here who wouldn't wish to wake from a dream and have our loved ones here. And the painful reality that they are not is awful. I don't know what to say to help you through it, other than I was there. It hit me at around the same time. And the chasm within my heart was so great, I didn't think it would ever close. J've been so amazed at the strength and compassion of all of you that started this journey from the beginning. To be able to reach out and to really care for those around you is something I don't know if I could have done. I didn't find this group until much later. And while I still have times that set me right back, it does get better. So, please let us hold you while you mourn today. I am certain you will do the same for the next heart that joins our group.

Love,

Kath

[gatorman]

I hope that my message gets to you, besides being computer illiterate I am also paranoid about computers. I have been talking to people on this great system also, and agree with you there is no pill or drink that is better. My conversations also covered the lack of REM sleep and talking about the loss of my/your dear spouse. Yes, the dreams are an experience that you and I have gone through. I must wonder though if you are not on the journey of faith. That when like minded people communicate, out of love, something great happens.

[NotCoping]

I wish I had some words of wisdom at this point. I just had my six month mark and cried the entire day. I've found that if I can manage to stay busy, I don't think about it as much as I first did, but the minute I run out of something to do (or tell myself I'm not going to do anything else), I'm back to crying I was thinking the other day how besides the fact that we have this unbearable grief to endure, we still have t do things like go to the grocery store and pay bills - those things get on my nerves so much now because they seem petty in the whole scheme of things, and they seem to get in the way of my grief. Does that even make sense? I'm looking at having to sell the house for a smaller one since I don't have a job yet and that hurts as well because I'm not motivated. Then I thought, what if I won the lotto? So what - I wouldn't have to think about bills, but I doubt I'd be jumping for joy - because what I really want is my husband - I think that knowing that you'll never get what you really want in your life makes everything seem mundane. We had what we wanted, and it was taken away from us. How can we ever be happy again? I hear people who have lost spouses several years back say that you will be happy again. I don't see it, but I'll hold to it if it's all I've got.

[valley]

Dear Kathy,

I can feel what you are saying, about Stephen and your dream, about your sadness and loss. When you say you "cannot picture my life without him", that is exactly how I feel.

Today is the 9th month since my wonderful Tom died, Sept. 9, 2008. I miss him every single day. I have not adjusted to being "I" instead of "we", and surprisingly we were both very independent people. Now I wonder what that ever really meant.

I got a letter from my mother's friend yesterday telling me that I need to act now and force my mother to move into some kind of retirement or assisted living situation. My mother, early 90's has always lived on her own, and insists that this will continue. Tom and I watched mom carefully and always tried to honor this wish of hers, although she has been very uncooprative regarding letting anyone clean her apartment, wash laundry for her...do anything really. I do it when I am there, but I don't live near her. She is unable to do any cleaning or real cooking. Now I know I have to act and it will be hell. I will be forcing her to do something she insists she will not do. And where is Tom to help me make these life altering decisions? Where is Tom to sit and go over each detail with me? I need his love to make this easier on me. And easier for my mother.

Each night when I go to bed, I say good night to him and hope that I will be so lucky as to see him in a dream. To feel him. To hear his voice.

I am sorry I am talking about me when I wanted to say to you......take care and I am with you.

Valley

[kayc]

Kathy,

I'm sure you've heard it said that somewhere around the sixth month (or fifth) is when reality sets in and it's one of the roughest times to go through...but you get through it somehow. Just know that we are sending you (((hugs))) and our prayers go with you.

Kay

[missingcharlie]

As time goes on, things do get a little easier, but you will never stop missing him or wishing he was with you (physically). Why do you think, after going on 5 years, I still come here almost every day? I don't write much, but I'm always reading.

I still need the comfort now and again.

Hugs to all of you!!!

Patti

[mrspapajohn]

Thank you all for your words of comfort. They really do mean a lot and I read and reread them several times. I know that you are all going through the same pain and I am so thankful that you take time to share your thoughts.

Valley - - Stephen and I moved my mother out to Phoenix from Boston in 1981. She was seventy and I actually thought that she was too old to take care of herself. Can you imagine? I am now 65 and still feel "young" although I know my grief has aged me. My mother stayed pretty independent until she was about 89. She lived alone and absolutely refused help or to move into a retirement community. Then she had a stroke and she had no choice but to accept our help. She moved in with us, but she was never happy. I believe that if I had to do it over again, I would insist that she move into a retirement community or residence. There, and only in a place like that, would she get the care she needed. She might have even avoided the stroke if she had someone there all the time to make sure she took her medications. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is one of the hardest decisions and one of the hardest actions you may ever need to take. Doing it alone will undoubtedly make it even harder. But, sometimes when we love someone, we have to do things that they don't want for their own good - - because we love them. I know whatever decision you make will be the right one. I will certainly be thinking about you and wishing that I could be there to actually help you.

Patti - - I spoke with both my aunts who have both been widowed for over 5 years and they cried when they told me what they went through when their husbands died. They did lose what they both loved the most, but each told me that they carry their husbands in their heart and that makes them never feel alone. I hope that is what you and the rest of us will get to. It is what keeps me going and already I know that Stephen is in my heart and will always be there.

Thank you all again. I feel part of a kind, understanding family and I thank you all for that.

Kathy

[kayc]

Yes, Kathy, that is what I have found too...I think it took me until about my third year to get there, but I also carry George around inside of me...I can't begin to explain what that has meant to me and how immensely it has helped me. It makes me strong inside, knowing his love is always there, he is cheering me on and proud of me, I feel his comfort, encouragement, love, and strength, whenever I need it, he is my soulmate forever.

[laurieb]

thia is my first post so please excuse me if it is in wrong. format I am coming up on my husbands 3 month anniversary and the pain is just so horrible. I seem to be ok to the outside world but I feel like I am still emotionally in intensive care. My faith however, is the only thing that I can seem to hold on to and that gets me through these long days and even longer nights. My weekend starts tonight and i just dread it.. Nights and weekends are so hard! I cant wait for my work week do be done only to feel like a huge wave has hit me because now Ihave to endure weekends... when Scott and i spent every minute together. Truly my best friend... thanks

laurie

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy

I think we may be in a similar place right now and all I have the strength to do is to send you my love. I had a similar dream a while back and woke up so distraught, it was awful. That said, I would equally hate it if I didn't ever dream of him.

I know how much you miss Stephen and wish I could take the hurt away but I can't my friend.

Hugs

xx

[Boo Mayhew]

Laurie, welcome to this Board. You will find love and support and understanding here, as well as a safe environment. It has been a life-saver for me ... you may like to start a new topic so that everyone can respond to you. I am so sorry for your huge loss.

thia is my first post so please excuse me if it is in wrong. format I am coming up on my husbands 3 month anniversary and the pain is just so horrible. I seem to be ok to the outside world but I feel like I am still emotionally in intensive care. My faith however, is the only thing that I can seem to hold on to and that gets me through these long days and even longer nights. My weekend starts tonight and i just dread it.. Nights and weekends are so hard! I cant wait for my work week do be done only to feel like a huge wave has hit me because now Ihave to endure weekends... when Scott and i spent every minute together. Truly my best friend... thanks

laurie