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My Brother Died Of A Heroine Od In 1999 Will The Pain Go Away?

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My older brother by (14 months) died of a heroine OD on June 2, 1999. He had been battling it for quite some time. He finally lost the battle and ended up dieing alone in a car. I don't know if he was in pain when he died or if he was scared. I have a lot of guilt because I couldn't help him. Tommy never did anything without me. I learned to drive first (even tho he was older). I was the older one mentally. I always took care of him. He was my best friend. When he died I felt like how is he going to go to heaven without me there with him. Ever since his death i've had horrific graphic nighmares that I can't get to go away. He's always alive in the but dieing or going to die. A couple of times he's pulled me into the grave with him. I don't know that i've grieved fully for him, although my therapist thinks I have. I feel lost without him. He has left me basically an only child. I have a half sister that I have found from my mom's first marriage but she is my biological father's daughter. She isn't all that interested in having a relationship. My step brother doesn't want a relationship with me. The only person in the world who was always there for me is gone and i've never been able to get over it. Can someone help me with this???? It's effecting my relationships. My mom isn't the same since he died. She won't do things with me. I also have anger towards my brother that I can't let go of. Why he allowed heroine to get the better of him. If someome has advice i'd appreciate it. I'm a first time poster and first timer to this forum. Thank you for listening to my rant. I know i'm all over the place right now.

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My dear friend,

I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic death of your beloved brother, and I cannot imagine the devastating effects this has had on your family. You say you don’t think you have grieved fully for your brother “although my therapist thinks I have.” I’m not sure what this means, but at the very least it’s an indication that you and your therapist are not “on the same page” regarding your treatment plan. Have you discussed this with each other? Do you know whether your therapist specializes in the treatment of grief and loss? I don’t know how long you’ve been in treatment with this person, but as a consumer of health care, I hope you know that you have every right to ask what sort of training, experience and certification qualifies any person to be helping you with your grief issues, and if you’re not satisfied with the treatment you’re receiving from this particular person, you should feel free to find another therapist.

That said, I encourage you to take the time to read some of the other posts in this forum, which contain information that I hope you will find helpful:

10 Years Since I Lost My Older Brother, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2831

My Baby Sister Is Gone, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=12034

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  • 1 month later...

First of all, please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your brother. Whether it was yesterday or 10 years ago matters not...I wish for you peace and love and serenity.

I just lost my older brother on July 7, 2009. He was 49 and died suddenly and without warning from an untreated, bleeding, stomach ulcer. He simply got up and walked into his bathroom and died. He left 5 boys behind. To say that we are still in shock is an understatement.

I wish I could tell you that there's an easy way out of the grief and all that goes along with it. My brother and I had a very difficult relationship for most of our lives, starting from childhood. We had been estranged for 10 years and had just found each other again and were working towards letting the past go when he was taken so suddenly. The feelings I have, run the gamut. Anger? Yes! Sadness, regret, disappointment that we couldn't get our acts together years ago? Yes!

I think that all the things you are feeling have their place. There is no time limit on your grief, however, for your own inner growth and peace, learning to live without your brother here in the physical sense, is probably the best thing for you. You will never forget him and of course you wouldn't! But, ask yourself if he would want you to live in the perpetual pain that you are? Probably not. You deserve to be happy and to live your best life. Working through this and coming to a better place, where he is concerned, doesn't mean that you'll never think of him again or that it's time to move on!! It just means that you need to find a healthier way to let go of the negatives and embrace the positives your brother brought to your life.

You say that your brother was a heroin addict. As a former vicodin addict, now 4 years sober, I can tell you that as much as we addicts love the people in our lives, nothing, and I mean nothing comes before our drug of choice. Your brother ate, slept and breathed this drug, trust me. This wasn't about choosing between it and you: there was no choice, in his mind, heroin was his life. What will help you, I think, is to understand this. He loved you very much, I am sure. But, ultimately his love for the drug and all the bad consequences that come out of that, overcame him. There was nothing you could do. You didn't cause it; You couldn't cure it; And you couldn't control it. Stop blaming yourself. And being angry at your brother for choosing heroin will only bring you more pain and suffering. Let it go. He loved you, but he was sick. You were a wonderful, kind, compassionate and caring sibling, but your role in this life was not to be his keeper then, or now. He is at peace, finally; now how about you?

It sounds as though maybe your current therapist may not be the right match for you. Please believe me when I say that you can grieve as long as you want for your brother. I lost my mom suddenly to cancer 12 years ago and there are times when I bawl like a baby for her. But, it has its place now. I have to live my life. She would definitely want this for me and I deserve that. I carry her with me forever in my heart. I can even allow myself to have those moments when I miss her so much I can't breathe! But they're moments. They have to be.

You also mentioned that your other siblings don't or can't have a relationship with you. I would bet they are going through their own personal hell concerning all of this and try to understand that they can't be there for you right now or maybe ever, but that you need to find the strength and the love to help yourself right now. Be kind to you. Love and nurture yourself right now.

I understand how you feel. When my Mom died, I was desperately looking for a replacement for her! I tried my sister-in-laws, my friends, even strangers! I was shot down every time. No one will ever take her place and no one should. I needed to find happiness and love and strength within myself, not from outside sources. Yes, of course we need comfort and support and that's perfectly normal. But there's a fine line that separates that from wanting others to fulfill that role your brother did in your life. This is where a really good grief therapist can help you. Find someone who specializes in grief and co-dependent relationships. I bet you'll find that you will be able to let go of the sadness and anger that's keeping you from honoring your brother's life with love, acceptance and peace.

And you're not an only child. You have a brother who you will always love and will always love you and is now your guardian angel, forever!

I'll keep you in my heart and prayers. Hang in there.


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