Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Too Many Issues To Cope With


Recommended Posts

I have woken up twice and been sleepy and confused and started to turn to see if he is lying next to me, then stopped myself. Like Jo, when friends have spent the night and I've heard them moving around in the morning, my heart has begun to race ... the old familiar sounds of someone else being at home.

Sometimes, when I'm driving, I reach across to the passenger seat and smile and leave my hand there a while, as though we're holding hands. Itjust feels right sometimes xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 70
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I am like Boo too. I stack pillows on my Tom's side of the bed and sometimes curl up around them or lay my arm over them just to feel like he is with me. Yesterday I sat in a different chair at our table to eat and kept looking at Tom's chair and could almost feel him sitting there for a brief moment. Yesterday was a hard, hard day.

I notice that when someone sleeps over at my house I tend to have very intense dreams......maybe I feel safer and go into a deeper sleep.

I have good days, when I am really busy and can concentrate, and am focused on what I am doing and not on how I am feeling. So I suppose that means I am regaining some control. At one point I could not focus at all.

It is when I let my mind go back......when I focus on how good my life was, how much confidence I had in this man of mine, how we worked so well as a team, how we changed and grew as individuals together......I am overcome with grief. I am working toward coming to a place where this brings me great joy and happiness instead of tears of sadness. I have to believe this is possible. But I do believe that I will never again have this kind of connection with another person and that kills me inside.

So far today is better than yesterday so I need to focus on that and try to keep it that way. I am trying to find some power within myself to control my emotions a bit so that i can infact move forward and live, even live with some happiness. And I do have the love and support of many friends who have been Tom's and my friends for 30 and 40 years, and none of them have abandoned me. And my grown children are the living manifestation of their dad and very good to me.

TAke care Jo and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Your friend,

Valley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is not supposed to be happening! I am sitting here tonight, scared to pieces of what they will tell me tomorrow, and trying not to think back of this night exactly two months ago when we came back from the hospital after Jose passed away. IT IS BEYOND BELIEF!!! My mind is numb with all the feelings, but I just can't believe what I am going through. And I can't believe I am facing it without José's support, my oak, my constant consoler. i never left him alone for a minute after his diagnosis, and now I am at a total loss without him.

My mother, bless her soul, passed away at the age of 87. My father is 94. Nobody in my family has ever had cancer, nor has anyone had any serious illnesses. Everyone on both sides died of natural causes at a ripe old age. Maybe many would say that we have been very lucky, and now I know they would be right. But nothing, nothing could have ever made me think that I would be contemplating this. What have I done wrong? I have been going over everything in my depression, knowing that I made my husband miserable, and now he's gone, and I am up against this. Is it all my fault, something I have brought on myself? But my psychologists and counsellors supported me in my vindications, and yet, none of that seems at all important now.

I am so frightened. I can't bear my granddaughter's presence right now. Just the thought that she may grow up without either of us crushes me. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT, and there is no solace, no relief,

I wish I still drank. I gave that up with the depression meds. I would love to drink myself into total oblivion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo - - You have a lot of people thinking about you and praying for you. I don't blame you for being scared, but tomorrow will come, as will the next day and the next. I wish I could be there with you to hold your hand and help you get through this. I will be there in spirit, as will Jose.

Kathy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't begin to imagine what you must be going through. I know it is hard without Jose as support. Larry was mine and as I have had to deal with hard times I have missed having him here desperately. I know its not the same but there is alot of support and outpouring of love and understanding here from others who are grieving. We are listening and praying for you today and tomorrow. Deborah

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo,

You are in my prayers. As one who gave up drinking several years ago, I can relate to wanting to the escape it provides. I managed without and know you can too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo

I don't know what the time difference is but imagine I will probably be asleep when you go to the Dr. but I will say an extra prayer tonight for you and think of you often tomorrow. Try to think positive thoughts which I know is really hard right now. Keep us posted.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, back from the doctor's, and in a state of shock. Still no diagnosis. They want to go in for another bronchoscope the day after tomorrow. I can't believe it! According to the doctor who did it, everything came back from the lab negative, but they are convinced that there is something there, and want to give me a stronger sedative and go in more deeply. Why didn´t they just do that the first time? What are the X-rays and CAT scans good for then? Why do I have to go through this continued waiting, wondering?

At some point, I think that I need to look for a new forum. Grieving seems to have lost its focus. I need something on people facing a terminal illness within a system of socialized medicine alone after having lost their dear spouse to same.

Sorry ... please forgive my cynicism. I am just so angry! At everything and everyone, and believe it or not, at Jose for having left me alone to face this in his country. Were it not for him, I would long ago have been back home.

And yet, still deep within me, I look for the positive, knowing that something will happen when it should, like the pup who came to another poster here. Sorry, I can't recall her name right now.

And too, like finding this forum when I did. I know that I would have lost my sanity had I not had this outlet for my emotions. Many, many, many thanks to all of you who have sent your support and love. I am sure that it is working its magic within me!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo,

I am so sorry you haven't gotten the results yet. It does still mean that there is hope! This is such a horrific time for you. You have many friends here and many people are praying for you..all over the world!! Please hang in there. you have every right to be angry!! anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. Have faith and keep writing.. we are all checking in with you and looking forward to your posts.... I can't do much like bring you a dinner and some company from virginia but I can and am sending you a great big hug and many many prayers...

laurie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo,

We are all awaiting your results with you...meanwhile, hope for the best possible outcome! Please keep us abreast of what you learn, we're here with you...

Love,

Kay

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Jo, I'm so sorry to learn that you have to endure even more diagnostic testing ~ and if I were you, I'd be just as mad as you are! Please just go ahead and rant and rave and do whatever you need to do to get it out ~ you're not hurting anyone here, and it's just fine with all of us! You are enraged because you find yourself in outrageous circumstances, and feeling outraged is a very NORMAL reaction! Please know that we're thinking of you and holding you close, and we'll all be there with you on Thursday, too . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Jo:

Don't give up hope. You must be positive at this time in your life. Remember that your husband would not want you to give up. We have all lost our spouses and others and you have another thing to worry about. Make sure that you take care of yourself. The only person right now that you should worry about is yourself. Everything else will work out. And remember, that you have wonderful people here that care about you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Jo,

It is Tuesday night here in Canada and you are on my mind. I am thinking of you and know how horrible the WAIT IS! It is horrible. Stay as strong as you can and know that we all are with you on this journey.

Hugs to you,

Valley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had the second bronchoscope done this morning and have spent the day on the couch, watching cartoons. My husband's friend was there to do the general anesthesia, but there are so many things playing in my mind that I wasn't really even comfortable with that. He says I was out for over an hour and they took seven biopsies; the results will be in next week. But he told me flat out that there is a tumor there - the only question is what type.

How can the doctors be so ... I don't know ... objective? blatant? straightforward? insensitive? Later he sent me a text telling me that I am not alone, that my kids and friends are there for me. But I do feel so very alone; my best friend and closest companion is no longer here. I so need to be able to cry on his shoulder, to have him hold me against his chest. I know people tell me that for my own good, but they don't understand. My daughter yelled at me today that he is not coming back. Of course I know that, but why can't they understand that not only do I miss him in my grief, but also in my panic? And one pain is just as strong as the other. And how can my daughter take my comment about missing him so personally?

I am certainly not getting anywhere with these feelings, but just going around and around. In some ways, I feel numb, yet my emotions crash one way and another, and if I examine them, I could type all night. But I am exhausted, and need to try to get some rest. Peace and health to each, and again, thanks for all your good will and allowing me to vent.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo, dear, I'm so sorry to know what you are going through, and I'm sorry your beloved husband is not there in person to comfort you. I'm sorry, too, that your daughter is not at her best right now ~ but the thought occurs to me that on some level she is terrified that, having already lost one parent, she is in grave danger of losing the other one as well. There's probably a lot of fear underneath all that anger. You're both scared to death about all of this, I'm sure. Is there anyone in your family who could help you offer your daughter some of the comfort, support and reassurance she also needs right now?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo, I'm so sorry that they found a tumour ... I just pray that it is not a "bad" one (I think the word is benign but for some reason my memory isn't sure). I reckon your daughter is scared because of them finding the tumour ... and I hope that your friends are providing you with their arms to cuddle you, their ears to listen to you ...

... I don't know what your beliefs are, but I personally believe that your soulmate is right there beside you Jo ... it's just that you can't see him.

I hope you got some sleep. Let us know how you are when you are next online - we are all here for you. xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand your need for your husband. I worried about the first time I had the flu. What you are going through is so much more. I pray that you and your daughter have people put in your path to help you with all of this.

Take care,

Kath

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Jo,

I am so sorry for your loss, and that at such a time another sad thing comes to send you even more grief. My heart reaches out to you in the terrible circumstances that you find yourself in. I hope that finding this forum here, in which you can feel free to vent and share your fears and tears, will give you some relief. Our arms are around you in a giant circle of love, wishing you the best.

My prayers go to you and your family, including your dear daughter.

Sending love and light,

Chai

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo,

It is at these times of need that it hits us the hardest that they're gone. I do believe, as Boo expressed, that he is there with you, but I sure wish he could hold you and comfort you. I am praying your tumor is benign and they'll be able to take care of it. Right now focus on anything positive and surround yourself only with positive people. Everyone is right, your daughter is striking out out of fear, which isn't helping you any, it'd help her to turn to someone, an aunt or someone...someone else who isn't facing what you are. Keep your friends close by and please keep venting and praying, anything that feels like it helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Never would I have believed things could be this bad. I have sunk to depths never dreamt of during my depression. I can barely get off the couch, won't answer the phone or the door, and do nothing but argue with my daughter. She is a terrible housekeeper and I have been staying with her in the city, as she needs a babysitter for the baby, since my son is in the Alps on his final week of a course. So I tell myself that when we get to Jose's and my home in the village at the weekend, things will look up.

But no ... not true. José's wheelchair, which he only used once between hospital stays. is still sitting in my office. reminding me of his pain and suffering. All of the half-finished projects in the house (and there are many!), which I had told myself I would finish for his sake and the family's, now seem pointless, and I am just angry, angry, angry. We worked non-stop on this home for over 20 years, doing all the work ourselves, envisioning so many dreams here which are now nothing: a pony for the granddaughter, a wine 'n' art business, more great meals around the huge new dining room table, continuing with the organic garden. I can't even think properly.

Plus I find myself remembering things that I had somehow entirely forgotten about his illness and passing. How I gave him water with a soaked gauze the last night he was conscious ... he could not even drink with a straw ... and how very, very thirsty he was. How well he bore the humiliation of being paralyzed from the waist down, having the nurses change his diaper, and rolling him this way and that to clean him up. And his last meal. For the last week or so, he could only eat pureed food, and his sister brought him pureed strawberries. He was enjoying them so much, but choked and coughed them up. I thought he was hemmorhaging, and ran to the nurses station, scared to pieces. And how horrified I was to sign the papers to sedate him, yet did so because his friend Paco (the anesthesioligist) had promised him that he wouldn't suffocate like our neighbor did. And yet, it was my decision. And I never saw that he was dying. I was so totally positive that we were doing everything right and he would come through. Paco dragged me out into the hall and told me he wouldn't last the night. I laughed at him, telling him that I had heard my father breathe like that dozens of times. He told me that the sooner I accepted it, the better it would be for both of us, and I had to help him "die well". It was true that accepting made it easier. and that night we spent alone, holding hands all night long. The night doctor did not want to sedate him, saying that he would not need it, as he was "shutting down" little by little. I could see that, and neither of us were frightened, but rather peaceful. But Paco called in the morning, and reminded me of his promise, so the morning doctor sedated him, and he lasted another 36 hours. The end was a blessing. It was so peaceful, and so easy for him to slip away. I had been in the hallway, and just noticed "something" when I came back in the room. I sat next to him, and bent my head to his, and began to whisper, telling him that everything would be fine, that we loved him, and that his mom and mine were waiting for him. His sister, my son and a close family friend were at the foot of the bed. Before it seemed possible, he was gone. I felt it was a privilege to have been able to be with him, and to have been able to whisper him out of this world. unlike when my mother died ... just as my last flight home was landing. I had so wanted to just be able to hold her hand, but I believe she wanted to save me the suffering.

I have to stop. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on these things now, but I am in such a turmoil, and I find that I can't get my mind off them. Please forgive me for being so graphic, and pardon me for being so negative. I am truly sorry, and hope I haven't upset anyone. I should probably delete, but will send anyway. Thanks so much for all your concern, kind words and good advice. I just wish I were better at taking it. Maybe tomorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jo,

I just sat here crying reading your story. Thank you for sharing it. It is the most painful thing that we all can go through and you are going through your own journey. You have a right to your anger and I hope you continue to write as you help so many of us that are struggling feeling that we are not allowed to be angry and certainly not allowed to voice it. You seem to me to be very clear headed and having a sad day...you're entitled! My prayer for you is that tomorrow will be brighter and filled with good news. So many of us have all those wonderful dreams that have been shattered. Please just take it a minute at a time. The future will take care of itself. We have today..that is it and there are some days..on the weekends..that I have to get through the morning, then the after noon and then the evening... be kind and gentle to yourself and please be patient with yourself.... I am sure your daughter knows what you are going through, loves you but just doesn't know what to say or do. I have found that will all my family members all my friends there isn't anyone on the planet that undesrtands except other women that have lost their loved one too... it is just a bond and I don't feel so crazy reading the forum... there are certain cycles we are going through and as much as it is so individual as was our love for our husbands it is also very similar...if that makes sense..

again, I am so sorry and know that I am praying for you and thinking of you often...

laurie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Jo,

I have been away a few days but found myself thinking of you. Wondering how your tests were going, how you were feeling.

I know what you mean when you talk about all the dreams and plans that you and Jose had for fixing your house up, your organic garden, a pony for the grandchild. All the work that you had done together to build your life. It is so hard to comprehend how to move forward without your life partner and now you have to face doctors and tests and not have that one special person to support you.

Know that you have this group of people supporting you in spirit. I think you should write whatever you feel or need to write about. Those last days of a loved ones life are natural to replay and replay.

Take care,

Valley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...