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I haven't words to thank you all for your support, and wonderful as it is (and indeed it truly is!), the best thing is that it has helped me to reach out to folks near and dear. I had been wallowing in my own misery, and somehow today I had the strength to seek out my neighbor. She never encroaches on my privacy, understanding that I need time alone, but when I appeared at her door, she hugged me and hugged me while I bawled like a baby. Then later, a dear friend who teaches yoga in London and has been battling with AIDS for many years called with many good wishes. Last, but absolutely best, I picked up my cell phone and answered it without looking at who was calling, and it was my dear dad. My brother had called earlier (since we haven't talked in over a month), but when I saw his number, I couldn't answer. But when I picked up without thinking and heard my dad's voice, I was elated. He said he had called to tell me he was feeling "lousy", but then when I asked him to tell me why, with a chuckle, he said it wasn't worth going into. After all, he's 94! But we chatted for just a short while, and I was amazed that I could talk to him without alluding to my fear and dread, as when I finally called to let my family back in the States know about Jose’s cancer, I got my dad on the phone and I just sobbed and sobbed, babbling incoherently. Poor man, I felt so badly about crying that way with him. I am his only daughter, and I just broke down, feeling like a little girl after all these years who needed her dad to straighten things out. Strange, but I had expected to be even worse if I had to break the news about myself, but somehow I was calm and able to avoid saying anything. Just so very happy to hear him, and to once more have the chance to tell each other “I love you”. It was wonderful, and has certainly given me new hope and strength.

But again, I am certain that all that is in great part thanks to your support and good advice. Many of you said to seek help, and I thank you for telling me so. At times like these, I disgust myself, but I feel totally helpless, snivelling and in need of a guide. I am glad you can understand … but I do so look forward to becoming myself again.

I will hopefully have the results tomorrow, and will be sure to post here as soon as possible. Good cheer to each, and may you have a great Monday. And I do so wish you peace of heart … as I have found today.

PS Please excuse the stilted English. I don’t normally speak it here, and there are times that I feel I am making up words! Snivelling? Not sure …

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Jo, I can't write much now as it's 2 in the morning and I have to get up for work in a few hours ... but I wanted to say GOOD LUCK with your results tomorrow. Please let us know how you are as soon as you can ...

hugs, luck and strength to you

xx

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When I first went into the psychiatrist's back in December of 2007, I broke down and blubbered, "My life has been a huge mistake. I have made nothing but mistakes, and have never known how to correct them. I was given so many opportunities, but I never took advantage of a single one."

I am reminded of that now. It is lung cancer. My husband's friend called to tell me so. He was horribly blunt, telling me that I am an intelligent person and need to know, to be told like it is. The good news, according to him, is that it is treatable. But as I cried over the phone, he was so ... I dunno, professional, I guess. His belief is opposite what I believe; he says that I am in the hands of the doctors, and there is little I can do to change the course of events. He will set up an appointment with an onocologist for me, but when I asked him to make it as soon as possible, he just laughed at me, telling me that he is doing everything he can for me, and how could I question him? The truth is, I think that he was very nervous, as he kept laughing, for instance, when he told me that my life expectancy was less than his, but he is a mountain climber, so who knows? He says it is not the same type that my husband has, but not to worry ... all of them are bad!

I have only told my daughter, but we didn't have time to talk about it, as we ran into her grandmother just as we left the house for lunch, and couln't get away from her. That is my ex-husband's mother, and there is quite a story there, but I won't go into it. But when I asked her if she could give me a lift to my son's apartment, she barked that she was running late. Again, nerves, ok ... but what about a bit of compassion, or mere manners?

When I opened with reference to the lost opportunities, it is because I am here in a country I have wanted to leave for over ten years, beginning a battle with the same disease that killed my husband less than three months ago, with friends and children who don't seem very supportive or sympathetic. I can't go back to the States for treatment because I have no private health insurance, and our NHS won't cover it overseas. I ranted and raved against this system while caring for my husband, but he was adamant about staying, plus we had the same problem with the insurance.

Sorry ... this is raw emotion. I have come here first, probably in a desperate effort to work through my feelings. Plus, I have been betrayed by a close family friend (from Derby, btw, Boo), who I now truly realize was just taking advantage of us all through his divorce. I called to ask him if he was going to be here because my son had to finish a course in the French Alps, and he said yes, but has never called back to offer anything. But he just sent a text to say he has passed an exam, and let's celebrate. He always bemoaned not having made any friends here, but I certainly understand now just why that is. I just tossed a mug he bought my husband with "Grandfather" on it. While sweeping up the pieces, it felt good to have allowed myself that gesture, although insignificant.

Anyway, I started this with a lament of lost opportunities. That has been a theme all throughout my depression, and indeed, has been the source of much anger. I feel that I just took it for granted that everything would turn out well, and never studied my situation with a cool head, looking for the best outcome for my children and myself. If I had followed my heart, I would have gone back to the States with them many, many years ago. But I stayed by my second husband's side, tried to make the best of a long series of very difficult situations, and now am left like this. It just isn't fair. And I know, I know, life never is, but I just feel that I have thrown all my opportunities to the wind. And like with our friend from Derby, have let many folks simply do as they please with me, including my closest family members.

And now, I must contact my brothers back in the States, who have been nothing but wonderful to me, and break the sad news. I am not sure how to do that.

Thanks for reading. I really must look for a different forum, as the whole focus of my life has switched from bereaving the loss of my husband to mourning my own.

All the best to each.

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I just re-read that post, and I am so sorry about how incoherent most of it is, and totally unconnected to the diagnosis. In fact, in reading it again, it occurred to me that much of that built-up resentment that has festered in me for who-knows-how-many years must be what caused both my husband's and my cancer. After all, we quit smoking over ten years ago. Or could it be something in the environment, or even in our home. I remember the particleboard ceilings he put up that I was so unhappy with years ago, and breathed a sigh of relief when we finally had money to replace them. Or maybe it was a cable we let the electric company run along the side of our house, right outside the bedroom window. Oh, what difference does it make!?!? But this certainly does seem to betray the law of averages.

Again, thanks for being there. Maybe I should journal all this ... Probably a good idea now, but I fear I need to feel that I am not babbling to myself.

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Hi Jo

I'm sorry that you have lung cancer ... and that you are not getting the support that you need.

Listen, you can ramble all you want ... we all do that here.

I'm also sorry that this is a very short message, but I have to leave work now to go home ... I will log on later to write to you.

2009 is officially the year of sh1te.

Hugs and xx

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Jo:

I am so sorry that you have received bad news. Maybe you should get some other opinions. I definitely would do that. Don't be despaired. I know that is the only thing you can think of. You have to do some homework and find if there are other alternatives for you. Also, what a terrible way to tell someone that kind of news.

I will be thinking an praying for you.

Love

Jeanne

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Jo,

I am so sorry about your news. I know there are exceptions but doctors are so clinical. There had to be a better way to tell you. Please yell, and holler all you want here. YOU have more than earned it. I don't know how the health care system is there, but, get a second opinion. You never know.

My prayers are with you.

Hugs,

Phyllis

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My dear Jo,

I join with all the other members of our GH family in saying how very sorry I am to learn this awful, awful news. To think that you're now faced with the same disease that took your husband's life surpasses all human understanding. It is beyond the pale. There simply are no words to express how unfair this is. I'm so, so sorry.

You said two things that struck me:

And now, I must contact my brothers back in the States, who have been nothing but wonderful to me, and break the sad news. I am not sure how to do that.

Thanks for reading. I really must look for a different forum, as the whole focus of my life has switched from bereaving the loss of my husband to mourning my own.

If your brothers have been "nothing but wonderful" to you, then please, please go ahead and look to them for support. You need and deserve all the help you can find right now. I encourage you to break the sad news to them just as you have broken it to us ~ and do it as soon as possible. As for looking for a different forum, certainly do that if you must ~ but please know that, as far as we are concerned, you are an important and valued part of our GH family, and we are here to offer our support, compassion and companionship to you throughout whatever it is that you must face, now and in the future. We're not going anywhere. We would be diminished by your absence, and I hope you will find it in your heart to stay with us.

Wishing you peace and healing,

MartyT :wub:

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Jo

Marty said it beautifully ... and I'm sure that a cancer discussion board would be a good idea to complement this forum, but you are also grieving ... and we will all be here for you. Don't forget there are widows and widowers on here who have battled cancer themselves, or their spouses have.

I figured that you would probably be tied up on the phone for a while, talking to your brothers ... so I had a scout around the web to see if I could find a good support group/discussion board for cancer and found this - it may help?

http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board...r/1,0,119,3.htm

But please don't leave us, we have taken you into our hearts ... you can tell by the way so many of us keep checking on you and by the amount of replies you have received to your original post :D

BTW I work for a large pharma company and we have an oncology portfolio. I actually work in marketing, but have colleagues who are medics here, people who are consultants/specialists in oncology ... so if you ever wanted something explained in simple English (rather than Latin or medico-speak) you only need ask. I would be more than happy to talk to them to get you more information or whatever, ok?

Yo le deseo fuerza y salud buena otra vez ...

xx

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Jo - I'm so terribly sorry to hear your news. After reading and re-reading your post about your husband's last days, I could just nod in sad agreement. I'm sure the fear and anger are spilling over - as well they should be. I just hope you can find comfort here, knowing that we care for you. And I hope also you can hold on to a relative, or friend, who will be there with you. If I think of how I would be in your position (and I have thought about it often), I would be reacting similarly. Words seem so inadequate. G-d bless you - Marsha

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Jo

I am so very sorry for your sad news today. All our prayers are not in vane, so don't you give up and please don't leave us. You can find other support groups as some of us have but I have yet to find one that has all this genuine love, support, prayers and strength in it. Things are happening to and for you and I pray God gives you all the strength you need to go through the research and absorb your next steps. It is quite a powerless feeling wanting to help more and being so many thousands of miles away.. I don't understand, why someone so wonderful going through such a painful time has to be handed this battle. I am so truly sorry and I will not give up praying for you every day... and you have all our support in any way we can.

You Are Not Alone...

Laurie

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I can't reply.

All your beautiful, caring, loving messages, with such meaningful words of encouragement and offers of help have brought on a much-needed bout of hysterical tears. I have pulled myself together enough to write this, but feel exhausted. Just thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly, truly feel the warmth of your generousr world-wide circle, and it is glorious! Thank you.

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Dear Jo,

My love goes out to you. I am sure this is a sad and fearful time. I hope you have talked to your brothers and that just the act of telling them has made this news easier to digest. Easy isn't the right word, as it cannot ever be easy, but at least you can hear the words over the pounding of your heart. I know that when I hear really bad news, a bit later I am not sure what I heard. I think that by talking to someone you love and trust, you will begin to make a plan for your next step. It is unfair. It seems too cruel that you have this to contend with while you are grieving your husband.

If it is possible to get a second opinion I think that is an excellent idea. Maybe in that process you will also find a doctor that you can really communicate with and that offers you hope. I know that when my husband was being treated we could only be around positive forces, respectful people, good communicators. As soon as a medical person approached me in a negative way, a cold, impersonal way....I rejected whatever they had to say. I hated that person. It isn't that I didn't want to hear the truth as that person saw it, but I wanted them to understand that we were walking on a ledge and could only move forward with love and grace and yes, hope. I wanted to protect my husband at all times. To make things right.

I hope you can find one person right now to stand by your side and be a second pair of ears for you. That you can go over and over things with and arrive at plans that will work for you. I am sorry you feel caught in the medical system as that is so huge for everyone.

I care about you. I do. And so do all these other wonderful people here on this site. Please lean on us now when you need someone to lean on. Together we will do our best to hold you up.....and be there for you.

Valley

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Jo, Please keep us posted, we're praying for you!

Kay

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Dear Jo,

In doing some other work online today, I read an excerpt from a book that made me think of you immediately. I've ordered the book and intend to read all of it as soon as it arrives, but I don't want to wait any longer to tell you about it. The book is Lessons for the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life and is written by Stan Goldberg ~ a man who's been diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. His book is about what he decided to do with the rest of his life in the face of his disease.

You can read more about the author at his Web site, http://www.stangoldbergwriter.com, and you can read the excerpt that first got my attention here:

Learn to Die and You Will Learn to Live, http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...-learn-to-live/

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