Was I Punished?

[emptyinside]

I'm feeling down today, and my mind has fixated on something that happened a few years ago. I'd ordered something off an independent seller from Amazon. Weeks went by and the item never came. The seller eventually refunded, and I left a less-than-perfect rating (not too bad, though, just stated the facts), noting that the item never arrived but it was refunded. It was probably mean of me at the time, given that he did refund me, but I was frustrated because I had needed the item. The seller sent me an irate e-mail, telling me off, saying I should have left him a perfect rating because he refunded me, that I probably did get it, that I wanted something for free, that I was a liar, etc., and then he wrote, "Good luck in life, God will punish you for this." My mind's fixating this on this today. Is that why my dad was taken away? Maybe I'm being punished for taking a bit of revenge on the seller by not leaving a perfect rating. I didn't think I was being mean at the time, though. I see lots of people leave honest ratings like I did. Anyway, I'm wondering if this is karma and I brought this bad luck upon myself, am being punished, etc.

I'm kind of scared because I just ordered something online, and the item came broken and significantly not as described, with the seller refusing to refund me, even though I was extremely polite. This person told me that I'll be punished for causing trouble for him, that he doesn't guarantee items to arrive intact, etc. Anyway, I'm freaking out about another punishment comment. I don't need another death in my family.

I know this sounds silly and irrational, but my mind's been wandering lately...still grieving heavily. I'm not all that coherent or logical these days.

[Boo Mayhew]

Empty Inside, you are not being punished, absolutely not. It is not your fault either.

The whole point of a rating system is so that people leave honest feedback ... and that's what you did, nothing more, nothing less. The seller didn't deliver ... you had to get a refund ... there was nothing wrong with what you said at all.

What was wrong was that the seller should NEVER have said what he said to you - the tone was almost threatening actually, which is probably why you remembered what he said ... and now today when you are searching for answers, you have remembered it again ... which just goes to show the power of the word.

Your Dad did not die because of anything that you did or did not do ... there is no answer to loss or dying ... and I am so sorry that you are suffering like this ... I wish I could come and make you a hot drink and give you a hug.

[Boo Mayhew]

would you like me to contact this seller for you? I'll be polite, but I will deal with it.

[emptyinside]

Thank you so much, Boo Mayhew. You are so nice!

Another reason his comment stuck in my head is because 99% of the time I don't get into confrontations. I'm usually a very nice person, and I really try to avoid fights or confrontation (which might be a bad thing sometimes, but...). So his e-mail really surprised me. He was just so angry at me and threatening. So I remember it, even though it must have been four or five years ago. And I guess I'd never been threatened with stuff like that before, save for my mom saying to me when I was a kid, "Do this/Say sorry or God will punish you."

And I worry about myself. I have a lot of anger and bitterness inside of me that weren't there before. I don't want to be angry and bitter, but I can't shake the feeling. I'm so angry at the doctors, the hospital itself, people who still have their dads and don't appreciate them. It's so foreign to me, and I don't like it. Hate, to me, is like a poison, and I wonder if God will indeed punish me for harboring it in my heart. I'm not even sure if I believe in God anymore, but the fear is still there.

I'm so insecure and superstitious these days, while still questioning my faith. I know logically that there will not be an answer as to why this happened, but my heart hurts and continues to try to figure out why...was my dad sinful and punished? Was I sinful and punished? I can't get the comments out of my mind today.

[emptyinside]

would you like me to contact this seller for you? I'll be polite, but I will deal with it.

Aw, thank you, but I've ceased communication today with him. I don't think anyone can speak logically to him. His seller account was suspended for some reason (I didn't report him), and he demanded I mail the item back first at my expense, which I will not do. Don't trust him to refund me, and mailing him the item will cost roughly the item's cost anyway. What a mess. Then he started with the mail-it-back-or-God-will-punish-you spiel, that I'm a troublemaker for him, that the item is probably in perfect shape and I lied (even though I have pictures of the broken item).

I know this is a little snafu that eventually happens to everyone who buys online for a long time, but I feel I'm a target for the mean ones or something. Why do they have to go there? Why can't they just keep it calm? I hate to admit it, but it's playing with my emotions and fears.

Argh...then I also think of someone who told me that since my dad isn't Christian, God won't save my dad. She said my dad has to totally accept Christ into his heart or else his condition will worsen. What if that's what angered God and made him take him away? But then what about the Hindus of the world, the Muslims, the Buddhists. I'm giving myself a headache.

[WendyJ]

Boy do I know how you feel ! I have had the same fear all along also. In October of 2006 my husband had been shopping around for a good industrial sewing machine so that he could sew leather for seats and such on Motorcycles. The prices were extremely high for new ones so we searched on Ebay. Well the one we had won was being shipped from Florida and to make a long story semi-short it arrived old and worn and broken from bad packaging for shipping. We tried over and over to make things right with this irate idiot and his wife and finally had to report him to Ebay and he was kicked out. Our final email from him before we blocked him was how they put a wicked curse on us and that we would regret crossing him till the day we died. Well a week later my best friend from my childhood, Jack died of a heart attack, three days later Steve's Golden Retriever died of an blood clot. Within 5 months I lost Steve to a blood clot that went to his heart, then within a couple months my Mother was diagnosed with Lupus and with Lung Cancer. Also at this point my Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers that is now so bad she has to go into a nursing home in a couple weeks. I also had another Grandmother who died of cancer and a very special relationship to me that ended. I can honestly say I have been miserable ever since and although people have told me it is coincidence, I do not believe so. So I certainly can understand your feeling this way, I am one also who feels like she has been cursed for life.

Love Always,

Wendy

[emptyinside]

Wow, Wendy...I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that suffering and pain in such a short time. How are you holding up? How do you deal with these thoughts? I know a lot of things in life are coincidences, but sometimes things hit to close to home that makes you wonder! I mean, all those people in your life, Wendy. Would God punish like this? Or would God even allow people to possess the power to curse like this? Before, I'd preferred to think not, but it's hard once your mind wanders to that area.

I do get angry and irritated a lot these days. I even insulted this seller via e-mail in a snarky way because I was just so angry and frustrated at what he was doing to me, at how UNFAIR life has been to me. I mean, I already lost someone so important to me, and now I can't even buy something without running into trouble? I feel guilty for it now and wish I hadn't sunk low to his level. I can count only three times in my life when I purposefully insulted anyone, period (and after these three times I felt horrible). I was just all out of logic and let my angry heart rule, which was a mistake.

*hugs* Wendy. Thank you for sharing that you have the same thoughts, too.

[Boo Mayhew]

I can totally relate to what you are saying ... I get so upset when I see couples arguing or being unfaithful to each other ... and think to myself that it's not fair. Like you, I don't like having those feelings and like you I hate confrontation, therefore also avoid it at all costs ... in fact work sent me on an assertiveness course which really helped me. I can stand up for other people but don't seem to be able to stand up for myself - weird!!

Anger is not an emotion that you are used to feeling, neither am I ... so it feels very uncomfortable doesn't it, and ugly I know. Someone told me right at the beginning of this journey, that I had to learn to accept and in fact embrace the feelings that go along with the grief/loss, and it goes against all human instinct to do so because it is painful or horrible, but I have to concede that in the end, it is "easier" to embrace the feelings ... all I can say to you is that you are not ugly for feeling the anger ... the loss is making you question EVERYTHING and all these different emotions are coming out at 100 mph ... it's ok though ... it is natural and after some time, you will find that those emotions fade, but of course you will still hurt and grieve, just without all the other inner turmoil! That's where I am right now ... and I think will be for some time, before I start to accept it all and become stronger - it's a long hard road, and grieving is such hard work, harder and more tiring and confusing than anything that I have ever done or gone through before.

My heart feels for you, because I remember all the thoughts zooming around in my head a couple of months ago ... similar to where you are today. I think that reading this book actually really really helped me overcome a lot of those thoughts. Here it is if you would like to have a look:

Jerry Sittser - A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss

[Boo Mayhew]

that's a good decision to make. Swallow the loss and move on.

You're right this is the risk that we take when we shop online however, right now we are too vulnerable for people to mess with our heads, let us down, con us or do anything like that. Just remember that you are in the right, don't worry about their ethics or morals because that is their problem :-) Perhaps you should impose a new rule on yourself - to only buy from sellers with a pure 100% positive feedback? It might reduce the risk of having to deal with horrible stuff like this.

HOW DARE THAT PERSON SAY THAT TO YOU????? Sorry to shout (in capitals) but really, I am incensed! Who made that person the oracle of all things religious/God/death/souls and everything? If she/he knew it all she/he would be extremely rich and busy! Argh! As if you are not suffering enough with your grief, they then add to your worries and thoughts with a statement that cannot be quantified or backed up - EVER. I truly believe that it doesn't matter what faith you belong to ... what matters is the goodness in your heart and soul, and how you treat other living beings, that you make the right choices for the right reasons, or sometimes the wrong choices with the right intention and learn from your mistakes. And EmptyInside, from reading your posts about your Dad ... in my humble opinion it sure sounds like he will be safe and fine, wherever our loved ones go after they leave this life. Whoever said that to you needs to be told by someone that it is NOT acceptable to say stuff like that to someone who has recently been bereaved. What a bigot ... sorry, I am just so angry that you are being tormented about this, it is not right.

[emptyinside]

Good idea. Yeah, I'll just swallow the loss and move on. Even though the seller's horrible, maybe I did take some of my frustration out on him.

Thank you SO MUCH for supporting me. That means a whole lot to me. My dad's a very, very good person. He put me and others first always. Thank you thank you thank you for reassuring me. It's so helpful to "hear" a voice of reason and support at a time like this, especially when people around me want me to just forget about everything and move on. It's good to know that sometimes people cannot just say whatever they want to the vulnerable. Sometimes it's okay to be mad about it and say, "That's not right." *hugs*