Its So Odd...

[rekim01]

I lost my Dad 7 months ago and I think about him now more than when he was alive. Don't get me wrong...I loved my Dad very much but I suppose when he was alive I never really "thought" of him all that much. He was just always there. Now that he isn't I find myself thinking of him every single day...many times a day. Is he proud of me? Would he think I am doing the right thing? Can he see me? Does he know how much I miss him?

It seems as time passes, my thoughts of him are coming more and more often and I feel like it is almost consuming me. There has been some discord between a brother and I regarding some of Dad's possessions (I am executor) and that is also really wearing on me - I just wish I could know if Dad would approve of what I have done. I just find it so odd that as time passes I am finding things more difficult instead of easier.

Has anyone else had the same sort of thing?

[Kavish]

Hi Rekim,

Just the thought that you are thoughtful about your dad is sign for me that you did things to make him proud of you. You will always love him and I am sure he loved you. Just keep him in your heart as I do with my best friend's thoughts in my heart all the time. I know she loved me and I know I will always do things to make her proud of what she put in me. All the goodness of hers for me as a legacy to carry on.

Thank you,

Kavish

[valley]

Rekim,

I think that it is very normal that you think more of your dad now than when he was alive. We all take life for granted when our loved ones are alive and we are also in a dynamic relationship with them. We go through ups and downs with them. We live as though we always have another day, another time to reach out to those we love. In death we lose that.

The questions you are asking yourself..."is he proud of me", "would he think I am doing the right thing", "can he see me", are the same questions I ask myself. My husband has been gone 10 months and I think much like you. I like to think he can see me and it gives me something to live up to. I want to be the strong person he would like me to be. He would be so amazed at the love and strength our son has shown to me. And our daughter. When he was alive we talked about our kids and analyzed their choices and decisions and offered our suggestions when they asked (and sometimes when they didn't ask!). Tom would be so proud of how his son has really opened up on a personal level, sharing his feelings much more completely than he had ever done. Learned to be a bit more vulnerable. I want Tom to see this, so for me I think he can see all these new parts of our family as we try to adapt.

Kavish I think it is wonderful that you have embodied the love and goodness of your friend. To think of her goodness as a legacy to carry forward is powerful. In that way your friend does live on. Personally this was always one of the ways I thought of reincarnation. That we are all made up of the people we love and people who had great influence over us. And we carry that forward because that is who we are. Now that I have been put to the test I am finding it hard to be in that space but I hope to get there.

Take care, Valley

[kath]

Rekim,

My daughter was only 10 when her dad died two years ago. Just yesterday we were talking about things and while I encourage her to make her own choices, they haven't always been the best. So, instead of nagging her about her clothes, etc. I just asked her to ask herself, "Would dad be proud of me for doing this?" She loved him very much and I think it is a tribute to their relationship to keep him in thought at times. (She did make better choices today and I, too, was proud of her.)

My husband is always in my heart and I consciously think of him hundreds of times a day. When I have to make any decision, I try to look at it the way he would have. I miss his perspective, but I feel gratitude when I realize how much he taught me.

Seven months is still really early into this journey. You'll find you go up and down a lot. Soon, you'll start having more good days then sad. Hang in there. I'm sure your dad is proud of you.

Kath

[rekim01]

I guess I am just feeling really consumed in my thoughts of Dad. I know in my heart he would be proud of me etc. but without his confirmation I just keep second guessing myself. Also with some discord between siblings it makes it even more difficult. When I made a certain decision one sibling was very upset with my choice and feels that I am going against my Dad's wishes. In some ways I suppose I am, but I really thought long and hard about it. I asked myself "what would Dad do if I could have this conversation with him now". I also discussed it with my mother to a certain degree and she seemed okay with it. I have always tried to keep peace in the family but I have one sibling that makes this impossible. I know my Dad would be saddened to know we aren't getting along, but I have to do what I think is right....right?

[MartyT]

Rekim, dear ~ have you ever wondered why your dad chose YOU to be the executor of his estate? Maybe he knew that when faced with the tough decisions, you were the one person in the family who would have the wisdom, maturity, courage, confidence and sense of fairness to do what you think is right

[rekim01]

Oh Marty I have never thought if it this way I am the youngest of my siblings and always assumed that THAT would be the reason why he chose me (actually my Mom was executor but renounced due to age and memory problems and the will stipulates that in such an event or when the last of the two passes that I am executor). I have always tried to do what is "right" and it breaks my heart that one of my brothers is so upset and I think that the biggest hurt is that he feels I am slighting my Dad somehow. There are two items of EXTREME sentimental value that my Dad had said that he would want to go to a distant cousin but my one brother says he had several conversations years ago about keeping them in the immediate family as they are the epitome of Dad. He tells me Dad agreed but it was never written down and the conversation was between the two of them (Dad also had dementia in the later years and probably didn't even remember the conversation). I have thought and thought about what to do. That is where I think "If I could talk to Dad now what would he say". I feel in my heart that if we could talk about it, and one of his sons felt that deeply about something, that he would agree. I just have no proof! I kn ow this will consume me forever...I don't know how to come to terms with it within myself. I dread my Mom's passing (for the obvious reasons but also because I think the family rift will get even worse!) Ugh...I just hate being so worried about "doing the right thing"

[kath]

Rekim,

There are situations where no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to please everybody. My dad's family was torn over a small (maybe 15") B/W TV that was their mother's. I stood back and watched the anger and resentment build over this one item and could not see the rationality, especially after losing the one person who was so able to make everyone she met feel like the most important person in her life.

I have since come to see that there is always one or two item in every family that cause the same reaction. The outcome, is not always the same. Some individuals are able to move past it. Just the fact that you are toiling over this decision, tells me your dad knew you could do this. Everybody grieves differently. Maybe your brother's insistance is his way of trying to hold on. I'm not a counselor. I do pray you will be given some "divine" guidance as you struggle through this.

Kath