Im Katie

[BrotherJohn11398]

Hello, I guess there aren't very many teens that come on to this page. I'd like to give it a shot I suppose. I am told to seek counseling and that bit. I am 17 years old, and when I was around 10 I lost my brother John. His father murdered him by shaking him to death "shaken baby syndrom". I was taken from my mother and my then step father (who was in jail for a total of 5 years). Also my other brother Eddie. I have many things that I feel bad about with my brothers death. Maybe what I could have done, or should have done to make things better. I am not sure where or when anything happened, alls I know is that it did and since I am a big control freak, I have always had this crazy idea in this head that it was my fault or i could have done something to keep my family together. I was an odd kid, because usually most kids hate their siblings, i loved them. I took care of them and fed them and changed their diapers, because there was a lot of drug use in the house and I wanted better for them and myself. Now my mom is re-married, and i live in my foster home..with my grandma, and my brother eddie lives with his grandma (his fathers mother). and my mother had a baby about a year ago named raine, that was taken away from her. There arent any sibling rights in this state, although i really wish there where. I dont know really who to turn to or talk to about anything from my past, i end up making things up to my counselors, and i cant tell my friends, so i dont really know where to go. i am really confused, but i am trying to get better and to make an effort to have a future. Ive been hospitalized three times for depression or bi polar. I know that I have no right to be speaking of my brother due to the length of time he has past, but i miss him so much. I am sorry to wayste your time

katie

[jordann]

you're not wasting anyone's time!! I'm not a teen, but I'm only 26. I just signed on here tongiht because I was looking for someone to vent to about my loss. Feel free to say whatever you need to on here. No one will judge you. Remember, it's never too late for you feel the loss of your brother. You've been through alot since that happened. Stay strong and write whatever and whenever you want!

Nicole

xo

[bree91]

Nicoles right, your not wasting anyones time and its not to late to talk about the loss of your brother because its something that you will be dealing with the rest of your life. I am a bit younger thatn you, I'm 13 but I lost my mom about 2 weeks ago on February 12th, 2005 when she was just 42. I understand what your going through, while my mom died from cancer (shes had it for ten long years), my family has had various problems with the law and drugs and alcohol. Before my mom died, she lost two kids. And depression is something I've lived with for the past six years. I have been hospitalized for cutting, depression, burning myself, and suicide thoughts. I just want you to know that it's never too late to deal with the death of someone and that you're not alone. If you or anyone else reading this ever wanna talk i'm here!

Brianna

[Guest SteveG]

Whoa, Katie!

You have every right to be speaking about your brother. Every right in the world. You loved him. You miss him. That pain takes a long time to settle down and it may never go away. The mere fact that you talk about him is a tribute to him and to your love for him. He was unique for the short time he was in this world. You are unique as well. There has never been another "Katie" just like you and there never will be another just like you.

When you talk about "what I could have done, or should have done to make things better..." just remember that you're a lot smarter now than when all of that happened. And, in some ways, you're a lot smarter about the impact of child abuse because that happened. Now you know what it looks like and know what it takes to prevent it in the future.

It is difficult to know who you can talk about all that has happened to you. Just be sure that, whoever it is, that you trust them. It may be that you "make things up" for the counselors because you don't trust them. Usually we find it hard to talk of such horrific things because we blame ourselves for letting it happen. That's a normal reaction. But it just isn't true. You may consider yourself a "control freak," Katie, but you probably realize, now that your more mature, that you don't have control of a lot of things in your life let alone the lives of others.

I counseled a little boy who secretly told me that he had killed his grandfather. He was 7 years old. The whole story around that comment was this: His grandfather was dying and all the family was around him, crying, laughing, and saying good-bye to Grandpa. Each person in their turn hugged Grandpa. The little boy was the last one to hug him. When I asked him why he thought he had killed his grandfather he said just that, "I was the last one to hug him!"

Now, what do you think? Did that last hug kill Grandpa? Probably not. As you have grown out of infancy and childhood you also grow out of the idea that "everything revolves around me." That's a typical attitude for a young child. It's what gets the child attention from adults in order to survive. Sometimes it doesn't work, like with your brother. But it is normal for kids to think they cause things to happen like death, divorce, arguments between adults and so on.

You are welcome at any time to come back here and write your thoughts about John or death or life or anything inbetween. If you are still coming back here 10 years from now writing John or death or life or anything inbetween you will still be welcomed by all of us here.

And, Katie...

You haven't wasted my time...not the time of Nicole and Brianna and anyone else who has taken the time to read what you wrote.

You go Girl!

Steve

[babybrat07]

Hi Katie,

My name is also Katie and I just posted my information. I too have endured many losses in my life. I lost both my maternal grandparents, a great grandma, two step grandmas, a cousin, two uncles, and a great uncle. All of this has happened in the last seven years. It is hard to deal with because I keep losing as I grow. It seems to happen one right after another. So much heartbreak has occured but their hasn't been enough time to heal from it. Talking and opening up really does help and it is something else to find out that their are so many others out there who have lost someone. If you ever get the chance you can read my post. (my name on here is babybrat07) I also have a website you can look at and you can find the link to that on my post as well. I am here if you ever need to talk. I am a great listener and I am here as a friend if you should ever need one to talk with.

[emcee]

Hi Katie,

All of the people in here truly cares about each other. We all share the same thing and that's the pain that alot of people are fortunate enough not to have. Dont ever think that you're wasting someone's time. Im new on this site and even though I dont know the people in here, I feel like we are so close to each other. Closer than how I feel towards my friends in my home. If you wanna talk about your brother every second of the day, that's fine. Nobody will tell you to stop. I wanna leave you with something that my little sister, who passed away two months ago, wrote:

"I'll be beside you until the very end,

wiping all your tears away, being your best friend.

I'll smile when you smile, and feel all the pain that you do;

And if you cry a single tear,

I promise I'll cry too."

We'll always be here for you.

love always, edmarie

[katie_fa]

Hi katie my name is also katie and I am also 17 years old. You've really had a tough life but I guess the positive thing about it is that it can only get better. I think you're taking a huge step by talking about it and it's great to hear that you're trying to have a future. I know you can and I wish you the best luck. All the problems that you've had in your life have made you stronger and you can beat any future obstacles.