Mom And Dad Both Gone

[lizbeth]

It has been almost 3 months since my beautiful mom died..... I thought I was doing okay, but I have just tried not to think about it. My mom had medical problems and

needed care for almost 20 years. What am I now if I am not worrying, thinking, dealing with medical issues, hospitalizations, helping with caregiving etc. I feel like a middle aged orphan.

My dad died 6 years ago. His death was so quick, I still can't believe my wonderful father is gone. They were both in hospice care at the end. I know my family thinks I am doing just fine,

but its sooo hard and personal. I don't want to share my grief at times and it is easier for me to do this anonymously.

[AnnieO]

Lizbeth

I am glad you found this site, but sad that you had to. Keep posting, there are so many wonderful people here and it really does help.

My mom died Dec 2006 and my dad died Oct. 2007. I understand when you said you feel like a middle-aged orphan, its an awful feeling. 3 months is not a very long time at all....I think I was in shock until around 4 months and then it really hit me hard. I kept everything inside and wanted people to see how strong I was. I ended up with post traumatic stress and found a great grief therapist who helped me face all of it and slowly let it out. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my parents and miss them terribly. But now my heart is filled with happy memories too. Take care of yourself, you need to let your feelings out. This is a safe place to do that...no-one will judge you and you will find people who are in the same situation. You will be in my thoughts.

[JonKoisMom]

Hi Lizbeth,

My Mom died in 1996 and my Dad in 2000. It's really hard to believe that it's been that long ago. I remember when my Mom had been in and out of the hospital over the past few years of her life, sometimes looking like there was no hope and she would pull through. She had congestive heart failure from smoking and she was also an alcoholic. She would sometimes retain 20 to 30 lbs of fluid. The last time she was put on Hospice. I remember so well my older sisters getting after me for falling apart when I saw her in the hospital bed in her room. I would go see her in the evenings after work. Something just told me to take my days off in the middle of the week so I could go and help more with her. The last night I went to kiss her goodbye and she told me she had 3 wonderful daughters. I got a call the next morning that she was gone. I had issues with both of my parents but I had always hoped that my Dad would go first because he scared me. I still cry. Especially when I feel like screaming and she would just say "I wish there was something I could do". My Dad was a very cranky old man. He couldn't hear very good and he was difficult to be around for very long. He wouldn't go to the Dr until my older sisters made him go. They are 12 and 9 yrs older than me. My oldest sister was too much like him to help him and my other sister had to work. I had saved my vacation time because I knew one day my Dad would need me. He hated people coming into his house so, when he was put on Hospice, he would only tolerate the nurse and the doctor. He would say insulting things and they just ignored him. I remember telling my Pastor that I felt like Daniel in the lion's den. But I stayed with him for two weeks. Enough to get really close to him. He fought me all the way but I loved him anyway. I had serious issues with him as a teenager but all of that melted away the closer he got to death. When he died, I too felt like a middle aged orphan. I really was affected harder by his death than my Mom's. I think that happens when you are the primary caregiver. I miss him a lot. I think for many of us, it takes a few months for the reality to set in. My oldest son, Jon, died just over two months ago and I know it hasn't really hit me yet. I cry when I go to the cemetery but most of the time, I just think about him. I'm glad you came to grieve with us, but like everyone, I'm sorry for the reasons we are all here. Blessings. Kathy

[lizbeth]

Lizbeth

I am glad you found this site, but sad that you had to. Keep posting, there are so many wonderful people here and it really does help.

My mom died Dec 2006 and my dad died Oct. 2007. I understand when you said you feel like a middle-aged orphan, its an awful feeling. 3 months is not a very long time at all....I think I was in shock until around 4 months and then it really hit me hard. I kept everything inside and wanted people to see how strong I was. I ended up with post traumatic stress and found a great grief therapist who helped me face all of it and slowly let it out. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my parents and miss them terribly. But now my heart is filled with happy memories too. Take care of yourself, you need to let your feelings out. This is a safe place to do that...no-one will judge you and you will find people who are in the same situation. You will be in my thoughts.

Hello Annie,

Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your mother and father. No one can ever replace our parents and I think there will always be an emptiness without them. I know in time it won't be so raw and I am able to remember wonderful times and memories of both my parents. I am glad your grief therapist was such a tremendous support for you. I am thinking of joining a group here in town. The hospice that we used for both my parents is out of state. My thoughts are with you too.

Sincerely,

Lizbeth.

[lizbeth]

Hi Lizbeth,

My Mom died in 1996 and my Dad in 2000. It's really hard to believe that it's been that long ago. I remember when my Mom had been in and out of the hospital over the past few years of her life, sometimes looking like there was no hope and she would pull through. She had congestive heart failure from smoking and she was also an alcoholic. She would sometimes retain 20 to 30 lbs of fluid. The last time she was put on Hospice. I remember so well my older sisters getting after me for falling apart when I saw her in the hospital bed in her room. I would go see her in the evenings after work. Something just told me to take my days off in the middle of the week so I could go and help more with her. The last night I went to kiss her goodbye and she told me she had 3 wonderful daughters. I got a call the next morning that she was gone. I had issues with both of my parents but I had always hoped that my Dad would go first because he scared me. I still cry. Especially when I feel like screaming and she would just say "I wish there was something I could do". My Dad was a very cranky old man. He couldn't hear very good and he was difficult to be around for very long. He wouldn't go to the Dr until my older sisters made him go. They are 12 and 9 yrs older than me. My oldest sister was too much like him to help him and my other sister had to work. I had saved my vacation time because I knew one day my Dad would need me. He hated people coming into his house so, when he was put on Hospice, he would only tolerate the nurse and the doctor. He would say insulting things and they just ignored him. I remember telling my Pastor that I felt like Daniel in the lion's den. But I stayed with him for two weeks. Enough to get really close to him. He fought me all the way but I loved him anyway. I had serious issues with him as a teenager but all of that melted away the closer he got to death. When he died, I too felt like a middle aged orphan. I really was affected harder by his death than my Mom's. I think that happens when you are the primary caregiver. I miss him a lot. I think for many of us, it takes a few months for the reality to set in. My oldest son, Jon, died just over two months ago and I know it hasn't really hit me yet. I cry when I go to the cemetery but most of the time, I just think about him. I'm glad you came to grieve with us, but like everyone, I'm sorry for the reasons we are all here. Blessings. Kathy

Hello Kathy,

Thank you for your posting. I am so sorry about your parents and your son. You were able to be there for your parents and care for them in such a personal way. What a blessing your were to them! It sounds like you took on so much with both your parents and your sisters were not comfortable with you expressing your emotions and feelings. I know every family member experiences loss differently but it is our loss and our experience too. I know some people's passing/transition is peaceful and serene but it is such a hard transition to be a part of and see the struggle for days and nights. Being a caregiver allowed me to have such a strong bond and connection with both of my parents but it was so hard to see them struggle and feel so helpless and limited in what I could do. I wanted to heal them both and take the pain and the sickness away. My dad died within several weeks of his diagnosis and my mom had medical issues for almost 20 years with continued physical deterioration. I wanted to make it all better for them. I couldn't save either one of them no matter what I did or how much I loved them.

Anyway I am going off here. Kathy again, I am sorry about your parents and your son. I can't imagine losing a child. I hope this site is a support for you as well.

Sincerely,

Lizbeth