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Life Without My Mother


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Well, last December, my mother would have been 67. I thought about her most of the month. I ended up playing the song "I'll always love my mama" by the Intruders, and I sat in the corner and cried. I thought about the great times I had with her along with the rest of my family. I was also mad that cancer had to take her out of here. I'm trying to go on with my life, but there will always be that void with her being gone...

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Just take it one day at a time. No one can really say anything that will make the pain easier. But do know that I understand your pain. I lost my father in March 2002. It is like nothing I have ever dreamed. I thought I was ready for his death because he was sick for so very long, but boy was I wrong. You are never ready. I am just so very glad to have found this sight so that I have somewhere to vent my feelings and know that the others understand.

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I LOST MY MOM NOV. 4, 2004. I THINK I DIED INSIDE ALSO. THANKSGIVING CAME AND WENT WITH OUT EVEN KNOWEING IT. CHRISTMAS I HAD TO PUT ON AN ACT FOR MY CHILDREN. WHEN THEY LEFT TO GO TO THIER INLAWS HOUSES AND MY YOUNGEST WENT WITH MY EX HUSBAND I BROKE DOWN AND SAT IN MY MOMS ROOM AND CRIED. THE PAIN IS LIKE NO OTHER. I AM NOT SURE IF I WILL GET OVER THIS. EACH DAY IS LIKE ANOTHER MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB JUST TO GET OUT OF BED TO GET READY FOR WORK.

MAINE

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mom was my Mom, best friend, companion, couselor, my hero, and if I'm half the woman she was I will be proud. I lost her Oct. 29th 2004. She fought the good fight (melanoma) and was so ready to be with my Dad, (June 1993). I can't believe how much I hurt inside and can't go through the day without crying. Its Jan. and I'm still feeling so alone. I don't want to do anything, be with anyone. I have nothing to get up in the morning for. I took care of Mom, my Aunt (Jan 2003), my father's cousin who was recoverying from open heart surgery. I don't want to go back to my old job. There is alot to do with the house which has become mine. But everytime I start to go through the different closets and cabinets, I have to stop. What's pissing me off is that I'm a grown woman who knew she was going to die. I've lost a big piece of me, and don't know what to do. dry.gif

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Mom was my Mom, best friend, companion, couselor, my hero, and if I'm half the woman she was I will be proud. I lost her Oct. 29th 2004. She fought the good fight (melanoma) and was so ready to be with my Dad, (June 1993). I can't believe how much I hurt inside and can't go through the day without crying. Its Jan. and I'm still feeling so alone. I don't want to do anything, be with anyone. I have nothing to get up in the morning for. I took care of Mom, my Aunt (Jan 2003), my father's cousin who was recoverying from open heart surgery. I don't want to go back to my old job. There is alot to do with the house which has become mine. But everytime I start to go through the different closets and cabinets, I have to stop. What's pissing me off is that I'm a grown woman who knew she was going to die. I've lost a big piece of me, and don't know what to do. dry.gif

I know what you mean. I know I have to carry on, which is what I'm doing but it;s quite difficult.

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My dear friend,

I am touched by your statement that "every time I start to go through the different closets and cabinets I have to stop." You've reminded me of a touching and beautiful piece I found in Bereavement Magazine:

Sorting

For most of five years she sorted.

One must sort through the papers . . . medical bills in this stack, condolence notes in another, bank statements, retirement benefits, death benefits, life insurance . . . so much paper.

Hours and days she sat at the kitchen table crying and sorting.

“Still sorting?” we would ask.

“Yes,” she would say through her tears, “there is just so much.”

On and on through the first year she sorted . . . court papers, sympathy cards, letters from friends, tax forms, her kitchen table still piled high with papers.

“Still sorting?” we’d ask.

“Yes,” she’d sigh, “there is just so much.”

And on through the second year she sorted . . . suits to Goodwill, sweaters and shirts to her grandsons, tee shirts to the granddaughters to wear in the dorm.

“Still sorting?” we’d ask, noticing the house in disarray as it never was when he was alive.

“Yes,” she’d answer wistfully. “There is just so much.”

And through the third and fourth years she sorted . . . guns and tools, cuff links and tie tacks, golf clubs and fishing poles. Nothing was thrown out or left to chance as the house remained cluttered with his things.

“Is she okay?” we began to ask. “Why does she take so long? Will she ever finish? Can’t she get on with her life? Why this endless sifting and sorting of the things he left behind?”

“Still sorting?” we’d ask impatiently. “How long must this go on? Is there still more to do even after all this time? Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she’d answer patiently. “You don’t understand. There’s just so much.”

But now, we do understand . . . as we sort. Comforted by her things around us as we laugh and cry as we consider each item. And sometimes we find the treasures . . . a scarf that still smells of her, a letter she forgot to mail, a diary we won’t read, pictures of her as a girl, a young wife, a new mother.

It’s been more than a year now, but we are in no hurry to finish the job, because there is just so much . . . and then no more.

– By Paula Moore Hurtt, in Bereavement Magazine, May/June 2003

Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc., 888-604-4673,

We are so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved mother, and our hearts are reaching out to you in sympathy.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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Marty and others,

Thank you for always sharing your hearts and your emotions.....

The piece you just shared from Bereavement magazine was incredibly touching and incredibly true. As I am experiencing and as others are too, going through "things" is so overwhelming and I still have many many boxes just stacked in my house. I can't bring myself to go through them and when I do, it's so hard for me to describe...until I read this:

"It’s been more than a year now, but we are in no hurry to finish the job, because there is just so much . . . and then no more."

Thank you for this......we all feel so alone but I hope it's comforting to see that you truly aren't...

Wishing you all peace.....

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Oh bigone, I know how you feel. My mom just died on January 4th. I spent New Year's in the hospital with her. She fought to get through Christmas and managed it. She was 69 which isn't a short life (my father died at 52), but it feels too short to me. And she had such a young mind.

I feel kind of numb still. I work with the public, so I have to be highly functioning. I smile and nod and then go home and do my routine. But I keep thinking, what is the point. I was a daughter and now I'm not. I had someone who loved me unconditionally and now I don't.

But I do know that she isn't suffering any more (she had emphysema which is a horrible way to die). And that she chose to die when she did. She insisted on no medical intervention and got to die at home with her dogs at her feet. I take some satisfaction in knowing I helped her die well. And that she was never lonely or trapped in her home. She lived and died with dignity. Not everyone gets that.

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Oh, thank God I stumbled into this room!

I didn't know it existed, and arrived here from a link on another message board that was actually intended for someone else in regard to their pet.

Well, I still grieve my pet, my mother AND my father!!

I am embarrassed to tell you how long they all have been gone. I am not married and have no children, and I think that may be part of why it has been so hard for me.

I am just sobbing now. Two days ago (1/22) was the anniversary of my father's death; 12/7 was the anniversary of my mother's, and 4/18 will be the anniversary of my sweet cat....

I don't know what to do sometimes.... I have a book called Midlife Orphan; Facing life's Changes now that your parents are Gone and actually owned it well before Mom passed away, knowing I would need it sooner than later.

I need to pull it out and take a close look at it again... maybe treat it more like a textbook for a while, at least.

If anyone is interested, it was published by Berkley Publishing Group in 1999... author is Jane Brooks and ISBN is 0-425-16693-7..

Best wishes to all of you through your sadness and through your journeys.....

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Hi chocHollyK. Yeah, this site is pretty good. And easy to use. Don't feel bad about taking a long time to recover. Everyone has a different time-table. My dad died in 1983 and sometimes I still cry over him (for some reason the movie Hope Floats just killed me when I saw it. When she dances with her father).

Did you take care of your parents? Because that means you've lost your role as caregiver too. Which initially sucks, but maybe you can start thinking about your options. You have a chance to do something different now. And really, wouldn't our parents want us to thrive? That's why they had us.

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My heart goes out to you and all of you who lost your parents. I wanted to go with my mom as she was slipping away. I can not bear the thought of her being gone and me left behind. I also do not believe I will ever get over this feeling and longing for mom. Sadness has become me. I put on a smile for my daughter..but it is so fake. I never smile anymore. I need some relief from this horrible feeling.

Mom had her Birthday on the 14th of Jan. I knew she would not be here..so as she was dieing I sang happy birthday to her. She was to be 85 yrs old.

No one is ever too old to feel loss of a parent. Age matters not to the living or the death of a loved one. It just is a part of life I do not want my daughters or son to have to go through. There is nothing I can do to help their loss they will feel as I do.. There has to be something else. I pray but no help comes.

Anna

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I know how everyone is feeling here I lost my mom on the day we all celebrate a new year well it didnt happen January 1 I recieved a call around 8:00 am that something was wrong with ma and I needed to get over to her house I arrived and Fire engines and police were still there my heart dropped my dad with tears in his eyes is the most rememberable moment for me he never shows emotion my sister and brother crying I went straight to the hospital to only be told she had died. Never in my life have I felt so helpless. She was 69 years old and suffered heart failure which I really dont understand or I dont choose to This is so hard for me to believe she is not home in her chair greeting my family as we visit on sundays for dinner were do I begin or go on with life that just part of me is gone? please give me advice where to start?

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  • 4 weeks later...

I miss my mother so much! I was her caregiver for two and one half years. I was with her when she died and at times I feel like a part of me died too. I have a wonderful husband and family to care for but I still hurt so much. I am going to a grief support group and that helps alot. It helps to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes family and friends do not want to hear any more about how I am feeling. It has only been a little over three months since my mother died. My father died in May of 2002 and my sister died in June of 2003. Lots of grief to handle. My best to all - I will pray for everyone.

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I came back to check on this site because I'm having a very bad day today. I guess I'm getting ready for mom's memorial service, which is April 2. She died on Dec 10. I just miss her so much and I want her back! I feel like she's gone on a long trip, but now I'm ready to have her back. I just feel so sad and empty and on the verge of tears all the time. My husband is supportive, but he's ready to move beyond it and I don't feel like I can be open about my sadness anymore. It's also hard dealing with all the physical "stuff.' All her mail is forwarded to me and it hurts to see her name on magazines etc...with my address. I regret not living in the same place she did all of those years. We wanted to, but my husband's work prevented it. I miss her. My daughter misses her. I just am so very sad. I don't know how people get through this!!! I feel like I should be able to handle this better, because my mom was 76 and died on her own terms. She was ready to go. But I wasn't ready to have her go!!

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Hi Pam,

My mother died four months ago and I also have gone through weeks of feeling that my mother was just away for a vacation and would be home sometime soon and the awful dream of never seeing or ever talking to her again would then be over. Strange.. the things our minds do to cope, but the long term reality is so hard to fathom. I miss her so much. I have had brief seconds here and there where I have forgotten she is gone and wanted to pick up the phone or go see her.

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I am so relieved to hear that others feel like their mom is on vacation. I wait for the phone to ring and her special way she said hello. Its been 2 months since my mom left unexpectedly and it really stinks..... I miss her so much. Some days I feel like I am alright but then another day it hits me like bricks. I have had a few dreams where my siblings have all been in the kitchen with mom and we were all hugging her it was so weird like she was letting us say our goodbyes. This is a great site to come and vent and hear others share their feelings.Thank you

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I'm the same way. I lost my mom on october 4th/o4. It was sudden and unexpected. She was 37. There are so many times that i have picked up the phone and started to call her. Every time it seems to hurt worse. Its like a slap in the face. I hate it. She was everything to me and now she's gone! I just want her back so bad. A hug or a smile and I'm proud of you would just be the best thing in the whole world right now. i would love for her to meet her four month old granddaughter. She would have loved her, i just know it!! I miss her so much!

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We are always somebody's child. It may not be in the way we desperatley want, but that doesn't make the bond any less special! I have to beleive that or all of life with my mom has been a waste, and I know it has not been!

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Kelly - You are right. Saying I am no one's child is like saying my mom didn't exist. I guess I just loved being a daughter.....I had looked forward to seeing my mom grow old, and helping her as she aged. I live about 400 miles away from where she lived, and I'll never get over the guilt of not being there full time. Never never never.....

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I looked forward to the same thing. My mom and I were so close in age, we were only 15 years apart. We had plans of living in the same seniors centers and chasing each other around with our canes and walkers. Honestly i have no guilt. But I think thats because i understand and know how much she loved me and i know she knew how much I loved her. And really in the end thats all that matters. That is the only thing that we can control. I would give anything to tellher again and to hear it again. But in my heart, even on the worst days I know!!!!

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I lost my mama on Feb. 3, 2005...just a little over a month ago. All 5 of her kids were with her as she died. It was a very peaceful death & as a Christian I know she is now in heaven. She died from cholangiocarcinoma (a cancer of the bile duct). From the time of diagnosis till death was 6 months. I'm at the stage now that you talk about... that it seems she is just away right now on a long trip. I find myself wanting to call her just to talk....she is always on my mind. I miss her so much. She was the most wonderful mother anyone could ever have been blessed with.

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Tomorrow is three months now that my mom has been gone. The night times are really really hard. I always used to call her around 7 o'clock. Today I went into a shopping mall and bought a few things for spring. I haven't been able to shop since she died. It feels so superficial to want things, when all I really want is my mom back. I so wanted to call my mom and tell her what I bought. She used to love hearing about those little "snippets" of life.

On one of the last days my mom was able to speak, she said to me, "I'm not afraid. I'm ready to go." That comment is haunting to me. How could someone know they're so close to dying? How could they not be afraid? I didn't know what to say. She gave my sister directions to the crematorium and told me specifically how she didn't want a coffin. We honored all her wishes, and are having a memorial service on April 2 in her home town.

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My moms been gone for five months now. las tnight I was lying in bed. it had been an o.k. day overall. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I got this gutwrenching ache in my stomach. I just all of a sudden needed my mom so bad and I couldn't do anything to make it happen. I miss her so much.

I was writing in my jornal to her toaday. All I got written down was "Hi mom, how are you?" and at that moment my baby woke from a heavy sleep and just quietly stared at me. It was llike looking at my mom. It was creepy and comforting all in one. It was like my mom was trying to tell me that everything is o.k. I miss her so much, I guess I'll believe anything if it means some sort of comtact with her.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I'm having a very bad week. My mom's memorial service is Saturday. Need I say more? I can't eat or sleep and I cry all the time. I wish I knew whether she'd approve of the service or the dinner or the reception. I just wish she were here to tell me she loves me!

Pam

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