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Laurie and Ted:

No problem. I still find it so hard to believe my husband is gone because of this disease. I still don't understand it (alcoholism) fully (don't know if I ever will) - they say only another alcoholic can understand what is going through the mind of an alcoholic... I also find it aggravating to know that there are so many misconceptions about alcoholism :angry2::angry2: - mainly that it is due to a weak will or moral character. This is so not true!!!! That much I understand. A phrase that I keep in mind is that you cannot blame an alcoholic for being an alcoholic any more than you can blame a diabetic for being a diabetic. There is that inexplicable "X Factor" that renders an alcoholic susceptible to the disease, that the rest of us do not have... I miss my man so much... :(

Thanks for letting me vent.

Korina

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Oh, how I know. I would get angry at him for not making me and our new baby a priority over alcohol. I didn't realize at the time that he simply couldn't. No doubt, he was frustrated and depressed at not being able to stop himself. The interventionist told me something I will never forget - that there is a great deal of shame that the alcoholic experiences. I continue to struggle with guilt. However, I try to remember that alcoholism not only affects the alcoholic, but friends and family. It truly is a cunning disease - we become codependents and succumb to the disease in our own way.

"Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill." This is from the Alanon website.

People tell me not to blame myself, that I did what I thought was best. I just wish I had done something sooner, been stronger, smarter, etc etc etc. I remember thinking earlier on that I should just leave him, because even if it ruined our marriage, it would be worth it if he was still alive. But at the time, I couldn't. Guilt is a tough one, and no matter how our loved one died, it is a battle we all seem obliged to wage.

I hope I don't sound preachy, because, by no means do I know or understand everything about alcoholism or codependency. But I have been making some baby steps with the information I have found and through the support systems I have on hand. What I also have found, not just with alcoholism, but with the whole grieving process, is that I can understand and acknowledge information on an intellectual level, but feeling it and really believing and acknowledging it in my heart is a whole different matter. My head and heart are so often out of synch. Do others find this as well?

Korina

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Korina, You don't sound preachy but you sure know how to put into words what is coming out of your heart. I have heard the saying that "the longest 18 inches is from your brain to your heart". Your post certainly help me understand this codependency thing better and processing just what has happened to me. Thank you.

Ted

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Thank you, Jeanne, and Ted, please keep posting, and take advantage of Laurie's offer of help, as she has been there.

And Mandi, thanks for letting us use your thread.... how are you doing?

Korina

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Korina

you sound wonderful and after being in the program for over 20 years ..we never graduate.. we have only one day at a time and my addiction is to other people, places and things. like the alcoholic was addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. it is a family disease and it is all around us weather it is in our immediate families or not. Ted, please don't feel guilty. It will not help bring her back and it is ok!! you did not know and even if you did understand the disease doesn't make their behavior to themselves or their loved ones any easier to accept. My husband was in recovery for over 10 years prior to his death in march from an aortic dissection. We actually went to meetings together as both his parents were alcoholics and we wanted so much to help our boys with the knowledge and choice not to drink as it is definately hereditary. He was so horrible and mean when he was active and such a wonderful, kind loving person when he was sober. They are just so hard to love when they are under the influence and we can't feel bad about that. I once had a sponsor tell me that God has a special love for children and alcoholics and when scott was active.. that helped me.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

God bless

Laurie

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Laurie:

Thank you for your words and reminders. My husband's name was Scott, too. Perhaps they are talking up there (or wherever there is....). Scott was in a treatment centre, 2 1/2 weeks into it when he was admitted to the hospital. One week later, he was in ICU, and 2 days after that, we (my sister-in-law, Scott's aunt) made the agonizing decision to discontinue medication. In the doctor's words, "If we could save his body, and we can't, it may not be the man you knew who would come back." His low blood pressure could well have caused brain damage. I am angry because we (friends and family) worked SOOOO hard to get him into treatment, and even those short weeks were a struggle, it was starting to work! I cannot believe God would take him away after all of that... and we finally had our first child... sigh. So I guess I still have unresolved guilt and anger.... guess I still have work to do. :(

Korina

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Thank you Kathy, just being on this site has helped a great deal...they say the friend's phone calls start to drop off after a few weeks and that has certainly been the case with me. However, sometimes I wish people would call and then when they do I don't want to talk. Where is the manual for all this?

Ted

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Mandi - I'm sorry I'm so late here. My sympathies on the loss of your Joe - my Joe died of billiary duct cancer, after only 4 months from diagnosis. A friend said that cancer is a hurricane, taking out everything in its wake. And it's so true. I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found this site. It helps tremendously to know that we're not alone in our feelings.

Korina and Ted - my husband died of cancer, but the guilt and anger came on in full force. What I've slowly come to realize is that Joe was responsible, in charge, of his own life, no matter how close we were. There was just so much I could do to help him, to love him, to be with him. But ultimately, he faced that journey alone. It is extremely hard to come to grips with this. And hindsight makes it worse, because now we have time to think. I wish there were a manual, Ted! It just helps to talk, talk, and talk about it. Hugs to all, Marsha

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Just lost my wife of 23 years a month ago. Last 2 years were really rocky due to a lot of factors...her health, job loss, alcoholism etc. and I am dealing with a lot of guilt about how I handled it the last several months of her life. She died of liver failure which I think we were both in denial about how serious her situation was. I'm lost without her.

Ted

Azusaman, I was just rereading some of the posts here. I want to comment on this. Fred and I had a wonderful relationship for 10 years. Our last year (number 11) was difficult and I even thought about leaving at times. I still loved him dearly but felt so supressed by his health concerns, his new lack of self-confidence and his unwillingness to participate in life as he had before. All this put a strain on our relathionship. He had a stroke and although he appeared to function normally after that, he was never the same. It was one trip after another to the hospital. He often mentioned that his life was nearing an end. His doctors and I didn't see any reason to believe that. As a result, I was feeling a lot of guilt, like you. But, I've put it aside. I did my best for the situation. If Fred had been himself, he would have understood. Actually, I think he understood anyway. Now, I remember us as we were those first 10 years. We had a fantastic life full of love and adventure. - Fredzgirl

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Azusaman, I was just rereading some of the posts here. I want to comment on this. Fred and I had a wonderful relationship for 10 years. Our last year (number 11) was difficult and I even thought about leaving at times. I still loved him dearly but felt so supressed by his health concerns, his new lack of self-confidence and his unwillingness to participate in life as he had before. All this put a strain on our relathionship. He had a stroke and although he appeared to function normally after that, he was never the same. It was one trip after another to the hospital. He often mentioned that his life was nearing an end. His doctors and I didn't see any reason to believe that. As a result, I was feeling a lot of guilt, like you. But, I've put it aside. I did my best for the situation. If Fred had been himself, he would have understood. Actually, I think he understood anyway. Now, I remember us as we were those first 10 years. We had a fantastic life full of love and adventure. - Fredzgirl

Fredzgirl, Thank you. I am starting to force myself to remember all the good times my wife and I had and it seems to help a good deal.

Ted

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