Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Crushing Sadness


Recommended Posts

Stuart,

I'm sorry to hear you lost your pretty wife Heidi (that's one of my favorite names), but I'm glad you got a chance to tell her that. This is a good site, you'll find a lot of understanding caring people here.

Kay

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Linda,

I believe that you summed up alot of my feelings, when you said that the joy has left many of the activities we used to enjoy. Every Saturday night Heidi and I used to have our "date night". It was something I looked forward to all week. We used to go to one of her favorite restaurants (usually someplace with good homemade soup) and then either to the movies or to get some ice cream. Some nights we would just go to a romantic spot bt the river and watch the boats. I miss this badly. I cant even go near any of these places again. Thank you also for your advice on just breathing. I find myself gasping at times when I think about her.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart:

Your Heidi sounds wonderful, and I too, am so sorry that you had to find us. It is an awful journey. As you are doing with breast cancer, I have a goal of raising money for children's hospitals, as this was very important to Scott. We actually started our own federally registered, volunteer only, foundation with a mandate to raise money for children's hospitals. This was a great source of pride for Scott.

Also, as my hubby died from complications related to alcoholism and hemochromatosis, I try when I can, to educate about these conditions when the opportunity arises. Especially in the case of alcoholism, which, I believe, has been a traditionally much misunderstood disease. To know than someone so highly intelligent as Scott suffered from it is a testament to its insidious nature. He was in an inpatient treatment program when he was admitted to the hospital, and it was eventually an infection that took him from me. I rail everyday at the fact that I did not have the courage to act earlier, though who knows if it would have done any good. It is so very frustrating and heartbreaking that he died just when he had finally started to combat the disease.

I guess I want to make him proud.

Hugs,

Korina

Korina,

I wish you much success in your battle against alcoholism. I admire your persistance in fighting a disease that took your Scott away from you. People have already told me that I am honoring Heidi's memory by starting my fight against IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I believe that you are honoring Scott's memory by educating others. Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are making Scott proud.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Boo,

Thank you so very much for your kind and healing words. You are so right in stating that posting your feelings are so cathartic. I can't count how many times this forum has enable me to breathe easier or even catch some much needed sleep. I've been told that I am suffering from sleep deprivation. My response is always "walk a mile in my shoe's then let me know how you sleep". Please help me spread the word about IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer in the UK. This insane form of Breast Cancer only needed six weeks to take my beautiful Heidi.

Visit this website www.ibcresearch.org

Thank you for your help. I wish you peace and love.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Debbie,

I too am hoping that you are well on this Thursday morning. Looking at your info and seeing that you are from Lancaster County, reminded me of the wonderful times that Heidi and I spent at Willow Valley, the Rockvale Outlets,Miller's and in Intercourse,Pa. (we always stopped at the Intercourse Canning Co.) to get some yummy Pa. Dutch treats. These are memories of great times that I will always cherish. Take care of youself.

Bless You,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Jeanne,

Thank you for your kind words. Your statement about IBC is correct. It is ridiculous and must be stopped. My sons amaze me.I think that they have found peace in this tragedy. I continue to suffer. Thank you for caring.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kay,

Thank you for caring. Heidi is my favorite female name. I was blessed to have her for 27 years. I wish we could have had more.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Stuart,

I'm glad to hear that you have your "date night" memories. This is something that Brian and I did also. There wasn't a specific night but we just went on dates as often as we could. I imagine these memories are a bit painful right now (they are for me) but hopefully as we begin to heal they will offer solace for our souls.

I had an appointment with a Pastoral Counsler this week and she told me that for right now this grief journey is my work. All else (work / school ) is secondary. I have no illusions that it will be easy or that I will get through it quickly, but I know that I must honor each and every emotion as it comes to me. When there is great love, there will be great pain for the loss. From that vantagepoint, I will accept the pain because I am so thankful that I have the great love and the cherished memories.

Be well, my friend. Take your time. Grieve for the loss of your beautiful Heidi as long as you need to. Be gentle on yourself. Breathe. I'm here to listen whenever you need me. Hugs from my part of Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart,

Saturday nights were Dean and my "date night" as well. We would have dinner out and then go to Park City usually where Dean would sit on the couch and I could scurry around and shop. Those were the nights we had some of our best conversations as my work week was behind me, housework and cooking were caught up and we could concentrate on each other. It was our night to listen to the oldies while driving, getting ice cream in the summer, and just put the rest of the world on hold and be together and connect. How ironic, he died on a Saturday, our day?. We will miss our dates, our loves, our best friends. Lancaster County is a beautiful area and I hope the day comes when you can come back and cherish the wonderful memories you and the love of your life had here. (In your own time) Blessings, prayers, and kindness to you. Debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Debbie,

Thank you for sharing your Saturday night memories with me. It sounds like you and Dean enjoyed many of the same things that Heidi and I enjoyed. I remember when we would go to the Rockvale Outlets. I would always get a cup of coffee and a newspaper,and find a comfortable bench to sit on. Heidi would "scurry" around the stores buying all kinds of cool stuff. Even though I begged her not to, she would always buy something for me. I hadn't even though about it until I read your post. Heidi died on a Saturday too. You are correct in your description of Lancaster County. I will come back one day after i have learned to deal with all this pain. I wish you a pleasant and comfortable Wednesday.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is a month today since my beautiful Heidi has been gone. I miss her more and more every day. It is not only very painful to lose a precious wife, but I have lost my best friend, the mother of our sons, my lover, and healer. Trying to move forward without her is just brutal at times. The humble home that we built together still feels like a museum to me. There is a line in an Air Supply song that says," girl you're every woman in the world to me", That describes my feelings for my wonderful wife.

I love you and miss you sweetheart.

Bless you all my friends who are grieving the loss of a beloved spouse. May you have comfort and peace on this Tuesday

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Stuart,

When I read your pain...I feel my own...My husband felt that about me too...that "I was every woman in the world for him"....Reading about your love for Heidi blesses me, but at the same time...I feel your pain...we all have our very sad stories to tell and yet, our loved ones would do the same thing if they were in our place..Heidi would be telling us how wonderful you are...It is so hard to live in the moment in all this grief, but I find when I live in the past, I cave in more...the future is too scarry to think about...Be good to yourself Stuart, you deserve it...Blessings, Rochel

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart,

The one month for me was last Tuesday and I started with a support group held at the hospice where my husband died. Alot of anxiety and memories, but I am glad I went. I am so sorry you are going through this. The song by air supply is such a tribute to your Heidi. I wish I had the right words for you and all the others here, all I can do is think of you all and send prayers and blessings. Your posts have inspired me in many ways. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tonight as well as with your sons. Blessings, Debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rochel,

Thank you for your uplifting reply. Women like you and my Heidi are indeed blessings to their husbands. Heidi used to tell everyone how lucky she was to have me. I used to turn this around quickly by stating that I was the the very grateful recipient of her terrific presence in my life. I feel like someone shut the lights and turned off the music. You are so right in saying that the future is scary. Who is going to take the place of my wonderful wife? I know the answer already...no one. I do have many great memories,but I'm petrified by the fact that there will be no new ones. Take good care of yourself Rochel. It is obvious that you are a great person. don't stop being that.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Debbie,

I am now going to three different support groups. I wish I could get invited to more. The counselors seem to be "afraid" to invite me they use the same catch phrase, "your grief is still too raw" I had to almost beg two of the grief counselors to invite me. They have now come around by saying things like " I'm glad you're here, you are ready for this" Thank you for saying that I have inspired you. I believe that your kind replies have eased my suffering.

I wish you a good evening and a comfortable Wednesday.

Here is something that I would like to share with you and everyone else who is greiving the loss of someone they love.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory that no one can steal......~Irish Proverb~

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

To all my friends who are suffering the loss of their spouse.

I wish you all a peaceful and comfortable (as possible) Thanksgiving. I know that we are all suffering somewhat on this day. I too am hurting. For the first time in years I will not be eating the delicious turkey, stuffing and sweet potato casserole that by wonderful Heidi used to make every year. I accepted an invitation to my brother in laws house. I'm apprehensive because he still lives very close to where Heidi grew up. I hope that seeing that old house won't make me too crazy. I'm grateful that our older son is going with me,my younger son no longer speaks to me. I think he believes that I should be dead and not his Mom. I still love him and will do my best to weather this storm. I'm grateful for all of you and for this forum.

Bless you all,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tim,

Things did go well today. My older son and I had a chance to talk. We had a good conversation. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I hope that your Thanksgiving without your beloved Lucille was pleasant.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart,first i want to tell you how very sorry i am for your loss...hedi sounds like she was a wonderful women, and I know exactly how you feel I lost my Ben 9 months ago and not a day goes by that i don't miss him, some days i'm ok some days i cry all day long..but i come to this site and read what others have posted some days i post my feelings and I always feel better everyone here gives such good advice and everyone is going threw what we are going threw...we all feel the same loss and pain we have all lost our best friend..This month has been my hardest our annivarsary was this month and Thursday was thanksgiving so I have been crying almost non stop...but i know it's ok...as for your kids they understand they just are feeling the same loss that you are but don't know how to let you know...I just found out how my kids feel and how scared they are of losing me too!!! and this was after 9 months so give your boys time and just love them...and men do cry Ben cried often during our 40 yrs together it's ok to cry sometimes thats all you can do because you hurt so much but just remember what everyone here has said take care of yourself...I still can't sleep i get 3 to 4 hrs of sleep of night my berevement counsler said thats normal and that sleep will come...Please take care of yourself and come here often we are all here to help each other my prayers are with you may God Bless you threw this journey that we are all on together!!!remember you are not alone

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart,

Heartfelt blessings sent to you. I hope sincerely your day was at best managable for you. I wish I had the insight to help you and your youngest son. Perhaps this is the only way he can cope? I have only one son and he is grieving in his own way. Sometimes he gets short and angry, however I can't imagine what he is going thru. I encouraged him to go be with his girlfriend's family to the mountains for holiday and he went, only with the condition I would stay with someone or have someone here with me at nights. That was a gift I gave to him. Trying to keep the traditions that are important to him alive this holiday season. As I have not walked in my son's journey , I still have both my parents, it is important for me to do this for him this year. I suppose it is a balance as parents we try to do. I firmly believe our children will always remember our love and actions as our spouses made their journey home. In time our boys will have the gift how we loved and honored our vows and commitments to Heidi and Dean. I pray that memory will help them in the future and help mold their hearts and minds. I am sure both your boys know how very much you love Heidi and will be ever so grateful for all the love and support your showed. If only my words could help ease your pain and loss. I pray for you and many others on this forumn and the prayers are sincere. Bless you Stuart and your sons. Hugs from Lancaster County. Debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lucia,

Thank you for your kind words. It sounds like your Ben was as special to you,as Heidi was to me. I am not ashamed to admit that I do cry. I believe that my tears come from the intense pain that I feel at times. I do love our sons. They both remind me of thier wonderful Mom in some ways. My 21 year old is trying my patience. He seems determined to see how far he can push me. I am hurting,and I'm in no mood to have my patience tested at this stage of my life. I too struggle to get sleep. A berevement counselor has told me too that sleep will come, but I'm grateful for the 3 1/2 to 4 hours that I sleep every night.My prayers are with you too at this difficult time. I wish you a pleasant and comfortable weekend.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Debbie,

Once again your kind words and thoughts have eased my pain.I believe that you are correct in writing that it will take time for my sons to fully understand how much love and mutual respect there is in a loving marriage. Perhaps they will learn this lesson when they become husbands. Sometimes I believe that children don't fully understand what parents do until they become parents themselves. I hope that I have been a role model to them by working 24 hours a day to try and save Heidi's life. I have asked them to join my growing battle against IBC-Inflammatory Breast Cancer. They seem to be ambivilent about it, I pray that they will someday join me in battling the killer that took their Mom. I am willing to be very patient with them while they consider my request. Both of my parents are gone. I lost my fantastic Mom in 1990. My Dad died from a stroke last year. I am very blessed to still have a 96 year old grandmother. Heidi's Mom ,who is 77, is incredible. I love her dearly and continue to maintain a good relationship with her. I was very grateful when she told me that Heidi's passing doesn't change anything. She told me that I am still family to her and that she loves me very much.She is hurting badly too, I call her frequently to try and ease her pain. We have been a good support system for each other. I wish you a pleasant and peaceful weekend. I am returning your much needed hug. Please accept this hug from southeastern PA.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart,

I too keep in touch with Dean's Mom. I did not realize how important it was to her healing until a nurse at the home she is in, shared that with me. I want to do everything I can to help her deal with the loss of Dean. Actually in talking with her, the conversation flows easy about Dean. So in thinking about it, its comforting to me as well. So very happy to read your were able to start Grief Support. Amazing people I have found. We can be ourselves and learn from others, and walk through this with support. Stuart, you sound like a fantastic Dad. It's really hard to work through our grief and then worry about our sons at the same time. They are at an impressional age and as they get older, they will admire all the hard work you did and continue to do. Because of the nature of my work, I see many young men especially, that have a tendency to take their emotions and turn them inside. They can be so trying at times. I believe and I read it many times, it goes something like,"when a loved one is least loveable, that is when they need our love the most." SO we continue to try to walk through this, be good to ourselves, and do the best we can for those that still need us. Bless you Stuart as you continue to fight for the education of awareness and you will make a difference. Sending you a hug on this very windy morning. Debbie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Debbie,

Thank you for sharing your relationship with Dean's Mom. She sounds like a terrific lady. Maybe that's where our beloved spouses got some of their greatness from. Thank you for your comment about me as a Dad. I do love my sons. I can't figure out why they love to test me though. Heidi and I always put their needs before ours when they were younger. We did our best to teach them to be modest and humble. I hope you are right in stating that someday they will admire the all the hard work and sacrifices that Heidi and I made while raising them. I tell my older son that I love him every day. My younger son is still not speaking to me.I wish you a pleasant and comfortable Sunday.

Bless you,

Stuart

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...