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Too Much Too Bare

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Hi to all...my name is Anna. My mother passed away Dec 1st of 2004. She died of COPD and in the end starvation. I was her care giver and was with her daily until the end. I still see her body in her bed taking her last breath.

I miss my mom so much I find it unbearable. I was so close to her..no one in the family understands. My husband say's I should be over it by now. I cry when I am alone which is most of the time. I have no company other than my animals.

Mom lost her dog a few months ago and then she got real sick and passed too. I knew this was going to happen if she lost that dog of hers. Susie was all she lived for. Mom was here in our home for 7 yrs. We had our ups and downs..she seemed not to care about going away..except she asked me not to let her die alone. So I told her I would not let her go alone.

I want to think of mom as being the way she was long ago..but all I see is her sickness and sadness and pain.

She lost my dad and my step dad all in the same yr. We found out my brother passed away in 95. He was gone for so long with no word. The sorrow was just too much for her and I.

Anyway..I need to write how I feel to those who have been in my shoes. I need help in finding myself again without my mom. I feel lost.

Hugs and best to all who come my way.


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Dear Anna,

I feel soooo much your pain and sorrow. I think you were very brave to put all the weight on your back. Taking care of someone who is not well is hard but when it's someone you love and care about this is so much harder.

No one will understand your pain as this is your pain, your feelings, your sorrow. I know it can hurt so bad when no one understands or feels you should feel a certain way. But the problem is them.

I know myself, my Dad I lost in 2003 in Febuary on the 1st of that month. I am feeling it really bad right now especially with the 2 year mark comming up. But I feel the same way. I have so much pain and unsolved issues that I'm going thru. My family doesn't understand either but that is because I had a different experience with my Dad then them.

Everyone reacts differently and will express in differnet ways. This is what makes us human but being human our feeling are vunerable expecially when we are going thru something like this.

I would like to tell you of something I recently went thru that really really hurt my feelings.

I have ben doing a lot of research trying to get information about my Dad as we never really had a close relationship. And I had come across some pictures and some names of relatives and such and I had told my boyfriend and showed him. But he did not want to see and didn't want to hear. This really hurt my feelings as I feel this is important as it is important to me. But he does not I felt if he loves me anything I find important should be just as important to him. But this is not the case.

I had my Sister and my Mom come to my place for Christmas dinner and I was starting to show my Sister what I found. My boyfriend was standing there as well. But my sister she looks at my boyfriend and says "I dont know why she does this, she is like obsessed with the ----family." This really beyond hurt me. If anyone was going to understand it would be my sister but no she had to inforce the way he thinks. I never said anything but just put my papers away.

I didn't say anything. I learned soemtimes to say nothing is best.

Then about a week later I told my sister what she done and how she made me feel. She felt so bad and apoligized repeaditly. It felt good to tell her and it felt good when I knew that she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

So my point is tell him. Maybe he doesn't understand because you have not made him understand how you feel. I mean feel right now not when I happened.

But I can say yuor feelings are valid and my mom she helps me get through this with my dad as she lost her mother when she was 9 and that was like over 35 years ago. And she still cries and has outbursts and happy moments too. But she does say it will get easier but it will never go away.

"my Mom's most famous line is" "God will never give you more than you can handle, and everything has a lesson to be leaned and a moment to think. Im not saying you should just except it but, love it and learn with it.

Maybe, someone close to you will go through what you have and you can help them through it as you will have experienced it. Everything happens for a reason and a cause we might not understand why or when but this is true.

Bless you and stay strong as you are a very strong woman and youre mom would be very proud of you. As look you have went through what youre mom went through and now even more and your still here. You have a purpose and a cause.

"Yesterday is history; tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift; that's why we call it 'the present'."

Much Love,


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Anna, my mother died of COPD too. January 3 this year. And she wanted to die at home with her dogs (her favorite was at her feet, although mom probably didn't know it). Letting her die was the hardest thing in the world.

I lived with her my entire life, but she was only seriously ill for the last four years. Were you able to say everything you needed to her? That's the only good thing about COPD. You get some time to prepare. Otherwise it is a horrible way to die.

I feel lost too, although work is helping. I find that routines help.

I don't get why other people try to rush us. I guess they're uncomfortable with death.

Well, tough! I'm not letting them rush me. And don't let your husband rush you. If you can't be selfish right now, when can you be?

I do try to spread my grief around a bit. I don't call the same friend crying every day. Each of my friends gets hit about once a week.

And if people ask me how I'm doing at work, I'm blunt. It sucks, I say. And that makes me feel good.

When my older sister died and I called one of my best friends and told her the first thing out of her mouth was, "That sucks!" I still remember it. It wasn't especially "mature" or articulate, but really captured how I felt. Death sucks. Loss sucks. It sucks energy out of us.

The good thing, it will get better. Because our moms would want us to be happy, right?

And you can have the wonderful satisfaction of knowing you helped her leave this world surrounded by love and attention. So many people die alone or in fear. She died with you by her side. That was a lovely gift you gave to her. You time and attention and love. Be proud of yourself.

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A friend of mine sent this to me today and I wanted to share it with all you have lost your Moms.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked.

And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old

before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything

could be better than these years.

So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and

taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and reminded them to

feed the dog, and do their homework and brush their teeth.

The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark,

and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother! drew them

close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, "Mother, we

are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children

climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she

said to the children, "A little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather

the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world. Year

after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all unconditional love.

And when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the

mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were

tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay

down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than

the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these

traits on to their children."

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her

their strength, just as she had given them hers.

One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a

shining road and golden gates flung wide.

And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know

the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with

dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them."

And the children said, " You will always walk with us, Mother, even

when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as

she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We

cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a

memory. She is a living presence."

Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you

walk down the street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember,

flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's the cool hand on your brow

when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold

winter's day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a

rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.

A mother shows every emotion..........happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy,

love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow.....and all the

while, hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you

follow with every step you take. She's your first love, your first friend,

even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time,

not space...............not even death!

It says it all.


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when my mother passed away 04-01-04 it was almost unbarable,since theni have found ,the one for sure way to get through situations or un resolved feelings or pain from having watched my mothers life slip away day after day for 9 mo.there was a lot of un do self blame ,and what if's,or if only, or did i provide the best possible care ? well looking at this as one big issue it is overwhelming,break it all down to one tiny question,or concern,break that down to,1.what did i do.2. was there any other options.3 .if so play out situation as if you chose different opt. now with reality results ,being what they are,would new choice ,be for the best,or givin the situation,at the time,or was original choice one you can live with,? if yes let it go.if you feel you could of and should of done it different ,1. would it only prolong the in-evitable,or would it cure/or heal,ending with full recovery.we all in some way struggle with simular burning,questions or self blame,and on top of grieving our loss,we pile on all the 2nd.guessing's. (if only or was there one mirrical cure right under my nose and i missed it ? then we question if,we ,with out a doubt provided the best possible care ?(considering this was my first experience at being the sole care provider,who will( cook,provide medication/duties of a nurse,feed ,bath, dress, change soiled clothes/bedding ,no controll of bodliy waste discharge.,entertaining them with book's, laughter,and comforting conversations,just for the reward of seing the smile on there face or sparkle in there eye )it gave me a tremendouse amount of joy being able to hear my mom laugh uncontrolably (at times) others it was all she could do ,to comprehend there was something going on around her little own be able to figure out she was witnessing her great grandson take first steps.bless her heart,at times she responded to our responses,if we laughed,she would copy,regardless if she knew what was funny)as devestating as this whole experience was ,beginning to the very moment i seen her take her last breath,and having gone through just about every emotion possible to include emotionaly and physically exausted,to creating stressfull self doubt/2nd guessing decissions,i am now at peace with how i cared for mom,and i know that despite not having pryor experience or preporation for 9the 9 mo. hand's on emotional training ,i experienced,my mom was the greatest patient/mom that could be ,she was loving , king ,and gentile to the end ,never complained about anything,nor did she try to ask of more things to be done then one could run and do in one swoop,it was not like(feed me ,i need a bath,and read to me.i thank the lord for blessing me with my mother/her love/and for my ability to care for her,and the wonderful years.just try to break down your pain anger guilt ect. till you evaluate each ,and what if anything you can do to change it,then once you decide,(to either except,that you made the best choice possible,or understanding ,know matter what else could of / should of realy doesnt matter because the end results being the same.one day at a time,one situation at a time,are not quite so over whelming,and easily faced , delt with,and excepted =let go of whats out of our hands,do something about /or change it when we can.if there are things you wanted / needed to say or ask.its never to late ,i talk to my mom daily,even if its to express my love for her and to thank her for being the rock that formed the stength ,courrage ,faith in this family by the way sharing my experience with you today with hopes it helps in any way possible has helped me get through what was starting out depressing,as 01-28-05 was to be my moms 62nd. birthday.i was finding it difficult to wake up with peace and joy in my heart,and not much to smile about as (wrong as it is ,i still experience feelings of guilt,when i have fun ,laugh, get excited and filled with joy. ?as if how dare i go on living , laughing ,or enjoying life ,when mom can,t.it takes a little extra push to get self motivated,then i usualy evaluate ,meaning of and reason of expressing sadness for this day when it is a time usualy celebrated.i some how find the possitive side of all ,negitive /or sad situations.hope this helps you.sharing this today helped me find my positive,

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I would like to thank all of you for your kindness. I would like to say it has helped me in some way..but right now my sadness is too overwhelming. I do cry for your sadness and loss. I just don't understand life anymore. Too much death in the world.

As for my husband..he thinks I should put all the pictures of mom away and not think of her. This s how he has been getting around his sadness over losing his mom in 2000. I cry over the loss of his mom too..and I do this at times when I miss her the most. My mom is a constant presents in my home. In her old room..even though my daughter moved back into it. I still have her chair just as she left it in front of the window next to the birds she loved.

Big hugs to you all.


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