Constant Nausea

[dkroeze]

Hi Everyone.

I'm new to this board. I've been trying to deal with my grief by myself, but it's obviously not working. I've been constantly nauseous since my Grandmother died November 28th, 2004. I've had blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. and there's nothing "physically" wrong with me... but the nausea persists.

I almost feel guilty being so sad. My Grandma was 88 years old, she lived a full life, but I miss her terribly.

My Grandmother and I were unbelievably close. She was more like my mother than my Grandma. She actually saved me from a crazy, emotionally abusive mother. I was a terribly difficult teenager and young adult and I know I caused her a lot of heartache. When I ran through the goodwill and patience of my father, she was always there to love me and support me, often financially even though she couldn't really afford it. As I matured and had a family of my own, I obsessed on proving to her how much I love and appreciate her.

The only quilt I ever made, I made for her. As she was getting less able to care for herself, I asked her to move in with me and my family. She accepted (much to my surprise) and sold her house of 35 years in Florida and made the long trip NW, all the way to Oregon, to live with me, my husband, and two kids. She arrived in August of 2004. I took the best care of her I could. I made sure she took her pills every morning and night, I made her breakfast, lunch, and dinner, tucked her in at night, helped her get dressed, etc. On November 3rd (my birthday) she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Leukemia. It was a total shock. We had no idea she had cancer, we attributed her sleepiness and aches to age. We were given a ballpark figure of 2 - 4 years for her to live. She thought 2 more years was OK. Then, on November 25th... we were told at a routine Dr. appt. that her Leukemia had morphed into a much more aggressive form of the disease and we were looking at maybe a year.

She was obviously shaken. When we got home she said to me "I'm kidding myself, I'm not ready to go yet". We had Thanksgiving together, the next day she was uncharacteristically weak. The paramedics came and took her to the hospital, my father & I spent all day Friday, he spent the night with her. We held her while they cut under her clavicle to install an arterial line for meds. We spent all day Saturday, my aunt flew in and spent the night with her.

She died Sunday afternoon. Even though I'm very near 40, I curled up in her hospital bed with her and laid my head on her shoulder and held her while she died. My father was stroking her face and my aunt was holding her hand. We were all telling her how much we love and appreciate her.

I miss her so much. She was an incredible woman who's beautiful sculptures grace my home and remind me of her everyday. I have a collection of pictures framed on the wall of her hugging me from babyhood all the way to this year.

When will the nausea go away? When will the hole in my heart heal?

Thanks for reading and responding.

Dustin

[Divanita]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience on this site. We have a lot in common! I lost my precious grandmother the day before my birthday, 2/25. I was okay for the first two weeks after the funeral, but now it is very painful. I have also had persistent nausea. I believe that my stomach was the most physically vulnerable spot, so the grief is sort of lurking there.

I am probably not being helpful, but knowing that I am not alone is really comforting. The part you mentioned about your grandmother's unconditional love, mothering, cuddling, and encouraging is so familiar to me. I love my Mom, but my Grandmother knew how to love me back. I suffered from bipolar depression for years before my Mom had me committed to a hospital. My Grandmother brought me to her home a few days later. She protected me, nurtured me, cooked my favorite foods, and kept my Mom (her daughter) from being emotionally abusive to me. Her love healed me; it's been 15 years and I am a successful, loving human being because of her larger-than-life understanding of me. I felt as if I was on a different planet until I could be close to her.

I can no longer hug her, but she will be in me always.

Thank you for listening to me. I needed to say all this.

Love, Divanita

[tootie]

Dustin,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

I was not able to get to know any of my grandparents, as my mom was 45 when she had me, so my grandparents were since passed.

I was however as close as you were with your grandmother, with my mom.

I too took care of her, & did the things you have done.

It has been almost two years since my mom has passed away, & I am sorry to tell you that the wound never heals completely. You will learn to cope with the hurt in other ways, & go on with your every day life. You learn that you have to take care of your children, as they need you as much as you need them.

I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be fine & you will heal tomorrow, I wish I could take all the hurt away.

But my friend, I can not, all I can do is let you know that I am willing to be here to listen if you should need a shoulder to cry on.

I have made many friends on this site & they have helped me in ways I never would have thought possible. I would like to return the favor, & help others too.

take care, & know that you are not alone out there, & talking always helps.

Tootie