Help! Tired Of The Same Old...

[MHO419]

My husband passed away October 22, 2009, at the age of 34. He was diagnosed with liver cancer on June 28, 2009. We tried 1 round of chemo and his cancer did not respond to it. Because of other medical issues, we had no other options for treatment. We went to another hospital for a second opinion and received the same answer. I have bad days and worse days.  I think today is a “worse” day. I barely continue with my daily activities, but I am just going through the motions. I don't get enjoyment out of many things. Everyone says, "This is normal," and "Things will get easier." I know all of that but the pain from losing my husband is so unbearable. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety from childhood trauma and trauma from when I was in Iraq (I was active duty in the Air Force for almost 10 years). My husband was active duty in the Air Force for almost 14 years and was active duty when he passed away.  I feel that this depression and anxiety is slowly eating at me until I will go crazy. I have been talking to chaplains, friends, family, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, you name it. I still feel like I'm in a fog. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. How can that "be normal and how can that get easier?" I know that it will because I have been through some pretty traumatic things in my life, but this is the worst thing that has happened to me in my short 32 years on earth. I need some guidance and not some stupid cliché words that sound good but don't really help me right now.

[LarrysGirl]

Hi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, way to young. My Larry died of liver cancer also, diagnosed in Sept. 2005 and died two months later at the age of 49.

I hated the cliches and pretty much couldn't understand how anyone could say those things to me. I had just lost the man I loved, none of it made sense and most of the time it made me angry. Your loss is so recent that expecting anything to feel normal is just not possible. Your heart and body have had a tremendous loss. What you can do right now is take care of yourself, do what you can, rest, reach out to us here who understand. Anything more than the daily activities will just wear you out. I know you are hurting. It does feel unbearable. I wasn't sure I would ever survive it. I still have trouble with acceptance and my new normal.

It will take time to adjust but for now you just need to get thru each day until some of this makes sense. Deborah

[MHO419]

Thank you Tim and Deborah,

I have been taking anti-depressants and anxiety medications and meds to help me sleep. I see my psychiatrist every other week to adjust my meds and we haven't found the right "cocktail" for my needs right now.

I also see my therapist 2 times a week. I'm taking this week off from the therapist because it is getting exhausting for me.

I wish I could hibernate through this grief. Like alot of people, I am impatient and I want the grief to go away now. I know it takes time though.

Deborah, you are exactly right, anything extra curricular wears me out so much. Even going to my therapist and psychiatrist makes me exhausted. My mom has moved in with me and she drives me everywhere (work, appointments, etc) right now because I can't concentrate and I got into a car accident the day before my husband's memorial service.

I feel like an invalid right now. I feel paralyzed in my body and my brain. All I want to do is sleep but when I sleep I have bad dreams, so I can't win.

Maxine

[Kat2005]

Hi!

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my husband of 25 years June, 2009. He died of an aggressive form of prostate cancer. He was diagnosed September, 2008.

Everything is so new for you. You need to take one day at a time. You need to try and eat and try to get sleep.

There are going to be some people that are going to do and are going to say things that will upset you. I really don't think they know what to say and alot of the times they just say the wrong things.

You have had a huge loss and I know it is hard to get through your normal routine. Nothing seems normal right now.

Just be kind to yourself. Come here whenever you need anyone to talk to. The people here are wonderful and give wonderful advice. You are not alone. We are all here for you, we are all on this journey together.

Take care,

Kat

[LindaKoz]

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry to learn about the loss of your beloved husband. You've found a safe place where we will listen and we will understand. The way you defined your days "bad" and "worse" touched a memory for me. That is exactly how I felt when I lost Brian (10 weeks ago tomorrow). I will tell you that now I"m up to having "okay" days. Time, prayer, support, counseling, and a lot of love have helped to open a path for healing. The grief journey is hard WORK. I concur will all the other posts. Be very gentle with yourself and remember this wound is so fresh, it is so raw. Some day you will find glimmers of hope and glimpses of peace. Life will try to lure you back and heling will begin to occur. For now, rest as much as you can, eat what you are able, take small baby steps and look at life one moment at a time. Talk to us as often asy ou need to. We will listen and we will care. I'm holding you in my prayers and I know that God is holding you in the palm of his hands.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[azusaman]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your husband (so young). My wife died of liver failure 8/17/09 at 50 years old and there wasn't much I could do to help her. A number of health issues plus alcohol were all contributing factors. Were you under some counseling and medication from your previous depressive disorder? This sounds like a one two punch for you. I don't think I can add much to what the other members on this site have said, plus all the other counseling you are getting, except we all care and really do know what you are going through and that's not a cliché coming from us. You are in my prayers.

Best to you,

Ted

[laurieb]

Hi Maxine.

I am so so sorry for your recent loss. My heart goes out to you. I can identify with your pain and grief. If we didn't love so much we wouldn't grief so much. It sounds like you are in good care with your support network and physicians. We will also be there for you. We all know similar pain. My husband died suddenly of an aortic dissection at 49. It is still such a shock and one that i want to be fake. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have my Scott hugging and loving me. I hope you have a faith as that has also helped me tremendously. I believe that my Scott is in a better place and at peace and every day is one more day I get closer to him. He is not behind me but in front of me until God decides it is my time to join them. In the meantime, I will do my very very best (and some days are so very hard) to honor him, my love for him and the wonderful boys we have together. When you are ready and if you want, please share with us about him. I journal, go to a grief share support group and have many grief support books on my nightstand (when I can read). Just be kind and gentle to yourself. It is said that we are going through an emotional intensive care and we need to treat ourselves like that. Even if the outside world expects different from us. Remember that grief can dehydrate you so drink lots of water and take baby steps. We understand and want to keep hearing from you

Hugs,

Laurie

[derby]

Maxine,

I am so very sorry for the loss you are suffering. I can only echo what the others have said. You are in good hands being here as the folks on here have helped me so very much. God Bless you as you go through this journey and know we are here. Blessings, Debbie

[Maryo]

Hi Maxine.

I also am sorry for the loss of your husband.I know life is hard right now.I have been at this for almost 17 months and Christmas makes it even harder. I have found great comforting people on this site who are helping me on my grief journey.Try not to look to far ahead in the future. It will take alot of energy just to get through each day.It will get better please believe that.

Mary Lou

[kath]

Dear Maxine,

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear husband. I also have to thank both of you for serving in the armed forces. You are both heroes in my book. You have been through an awful lot from the sounds of it. Isn't it incredible how it actually feels like our heart is being torn and shredded? I can't describe the pain to anyone that hasn't experienced it, but reading your post brought me to that exact feeling. I wish there were some magic words to help you through. Grief is one of those things we can't walk around. It requires us to walk with it for some time. It is exhausting and frightening and unnerving. I'm glad your mom is there to help you. Love will heal all wounds. Please surround yourself with love right now, from your family, your friends, your self. We are here to help you, but unfortunately, the hard work will come from you. Talking, writing, reading, crying all helps. Keep coming here. We'll help any way we can.

Hugs,

Kath

[Korina]

Maxine:

My heart goes out to you, and your words brought back those first weeks after Scott died (he was 41) like a wave crashing down. I don't think I really slept for a month after the worst day of my life. I was numb, tired of crying, afraid to look at pictures, afraid of looking in his closet, etc and so on. There were days when I could barely get off the couch, and had to just let our baby daughter cry in her playpen while I shut my eyes.

I found that I just had to, at times, concentrate on making it from one moment to the next. Thankfully, I had good friends and family to help and support me. I, too, and glad you have your mother. If you are lucky enough to have their support, there is nothing like it.

Now, at 6 months, my heart still cries, and I don't think I really believe he is gone. However, I do have plans on different ways I can honor his life, and our life together. And I do find joy in life, mostly through our little daughter. I did find that I was able to reenter life in small ways, AT MY OWN TIME. And I benefitted from going out for walks, and eventually, to start working out. But it was hard. This road really sucks, but you have us here - we all understand (and hopefully will avoid those cliches).

And finally, I thank you and your husband for your service in the military.

Hugs,

Korina