The Day Life Lost Its Beauty

[arcticandy]

Last night my wife lost her fight for life. Over the past few years we've been struggling to get doctors to listen and take care of her, each of them coming up empty with reasons for her chest pain and sometimes lethally high blood pressure. Last night I feel the blood pressure finally caused the stroke I've been fearing for so long. Although I have not yet been given an answer, it's the only one that makes sense.

I left the room for a few seconds, calling the dog for a walk off the bed. She had been laying next to my wife, head on her lap as she had taken to doing over the last year. I returned to our room to ask if my Gina knew where the lead was and found her unconscious. I tried to revive her, called 911 immediately, moved her to the floor as instructed to give CPR. I fought to keep going, waiting for the ambulance, which arrived faster than I would have believed possible.

I feel disgusted with myself. She was snoring, albeit without response to my calls or touch, but after moving her she stopped breathing. I still wonder if that move was the mistake that cost her life. Was it the dog jumping when I called her? Was she feeling that chest pain that doctors time and time again said wasn't life threatening, lulling us into a false belief we could ignore it? Well they restarted her heart in the house and moved her to the ambulance which took a lifetime to reach the hospital, where the doctors and nurses revived her breathing and her heart as I sat outside waiting. I went from hope to despair, hope to despair as I heard them say she was revived and functioning on her own, only to hear the CPR resume a few minutes later. I sat as the doctor came and told me they had her stable but that the situation was extremely dangerous. Sure enough her heart gave out again and despite well over 30 minutes of CPR and every drug they could give, over and over again, it would not start. 45 minutes had passed with the CPR still going when they asked me to come in and hold her hand, to say goodbye.

My two, poor, wonderful step children waited, without knowledge and in fear and finally I forced myself to take each one into the room and tell them the news. She passed at 12:31am 12/08/2009. The day the world lost all its beauty and the day my life stopped.

Today I have been making the most difficult phone calls of my life, informing her parents for whom this is the second daughter lost in just over a year. My Gina's sister died in a commuter train crash last year in LA, her family barely coming to terms with that loss. I spoke to the friends I could bring myself to call, friends who loved Gina for the help she gave them during their own crisis and tragedies.

Gina ran a small daycare, often taking children in over night for no pay for single parents forced to work those hours. She helped grieving friends with their own losses, sick friends with their illness and still had the strength to run our household. She gave everything she had to everyone who needed.

Now the Christmas cards and gifts already mailed by friends and relatives will start to arrive, tearing down our lives again as we gratefully and tearfully accept each one. Friends are gathering to help me, to comfort myself and those wonderful boys who have lost their mother.

Eleven glorious and wonderful years of marriage Gina gave to me. We had very few fights and still carried an unending love for each other, never waning from the first day to last. We had extraordinary adventures, to Maui, to France, to England my home country, to California where she grew up, to Vegas for countless visits to her parents including this Thanks Giving. We saw awesome sights, dolphins and whales, the Northern Lights and spectacular sunsets. I have a billion treasured memories which I pray will help myself and my boys come to terms with our loss. I'm doing what I can to answer their questions, to be strong for them, to make sure they don't feel abandoned and lost. I won't be successful, but together we will survive each day, each week, each month and each year.

My wife often spoke of writing our story, from the first days of talking across oceans to the meeting in Anchorage and the sweet bliss of a wedding only a few months later. Funny stories, sad stories and even exciting stories.

All three of us survivors have been through this before, for me 15 years ago with my father, for them 13 years ago with theirs. So we have the tools to keep going, even though this loss is a million times worse with grief lasting a million days longer. My wife has been ill for a long time and joked that blond bimbos would be lining up for me once she passed. I told her then what I know now. Never. I have had the love of my life and I need no other. I've known this since the first day and nothing has changed. Some might think this is too soon to say never, but I know I can not. I don't need it, don't want it and will stay true to my wife until my own passing.

[laurieb]

I admire your strength to be able to write so elequently so soon. What a wonderful woman and life you had together. I am so sorry for the incredible pain you are in. It was such a pleasure to read your post and have a glimpse into the wonderful woman she was and how blessed your life was with her. Please know that we are here for you in the days and months to come. It has been a very long 8 months since the loss of my husband and I said it then, and I say it now, "I will never ever find another love like the one I had with him." It was a "once in a lifetime" love and I was very blessed. I will carry all that love and all those blessings and memories for the rest of my life. I am not sure what God had in store for me or how he will use me to help others but I have not changed my mind and my heart is still very very connected to my husband.

Please don't blame yourself as it sounds like you did everything that you possibly could.

God Bless and we are all here for you

Laurie

[arcticandy]

Thank you Laurie, your words touch my heart. Perhaps this pain we share, between ourselves and the others on this forum, is a bond of sorts. If you want to talk about anything at all let me know. Talking is the soul's medicine. Bless you for your reply.

[Kat2005]

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Your wife sounds like a wonderfull woman and your life together was blessed. I know what you mean when you said that there will never be anyone else. I feel the same way. It will be six months on the 23rd of this month that I lost my husband to prostate cancer. I know I will never love anyone the way I loved him. The same goes for the way he loved me. I don't think I will feel loved like that again.

I also had the "what if's".... I am still dealing with that. Should I have taken him to the doctor sooner, should I have gotten a second opinion, I don't know. I have to believe that I did all that I could do. God just had a different plan for him. I find much comfort in journaling. I journal every night. It makes me feel that I am still sharing my days with him.

I have found much comfort and support from everyone here. When you need to talk there is always someone here that is listening. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Take care,

Kat

[LindaKoz]

I'm sending lots of prayers, hugs, and love your way. You have a found a place where others understand the pain and grief you are experiencing. I wish I had words which would help bring beauty back into your life. Sadly, all I can offer is an ear to listen and a promise that I will walk this journey with you from afar. My life, too, lost it's beauty 10 weeks ago. Brian was my best friend, my love, my music, and my world. He was the other half of me. My soul has been fragmented. I'm no longer whole.

I hope that you are able to find moments of peace. Be gentle with yourself. This grief journey is hard work and it's easy to become physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. Talk to us any time you need to. We will listen.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[derby]

I too am so sorry for the incredible loss you are enduring. Your words breath those of much love for your wife and the life you created together. Try to remember you did everything you possibly could do. It's so hard with the "what if's" that we can't help thinking of. You have found a "home" here where we all understand and care about each other. It is a resource of comfort, a release for our emotions, a place to vent and a place for encouragement. Blessings to you and your family. Debbie

[Korina]

What a beautiful recounting of your wife, and your lives together. It has been almost 6 months since I lost the love of my life, only 4.5 months after the birth of our first child. We had a love affair (tumultuous at times) spanning 20 years, and I don't think I yet really believe he is gone from this life. In a strange way, I feel lucky to have experienced such a strong love, one that many people probably do not.

I have struggled with many feelings of guilt, as he suffered from addiction, was in treatment, and had been admitted to the hospital during treatment for addiction. I question every move leading up to his placement into treatment, and just last night, read that scepsis is more dangerous than heart attacks or strokes. And since his death was a direct result of scepsis (he had a compromised immune system), I wonder if being in the hospital, or being exposed to so many other people in addiction treatment, actually caused the development of the scepsic. In short, I still struggle.

However, my purpose in life right now is to be a good mother - our daughter is truly a gift, and keeps me going. She is him. You sound like a very strong person, and I take inspiration from the words you wrote, so soon into your grieving.

Take care,

Korina

[Maryo]

I am sorry about the loss of your wife.

I will say a prayer for you that you will find some peace and comfort over the holidays.I log on to this site many times a day and it brings me such comfort.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[EllenF]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story. I just found this site myself. I lost my husband ll/ll/09 and I understand what you feel about the love of your life. Hopefully we will find a strength by sharing our stories and feelings with the other members of this site.

I know it takes time, I have heard it over and over, but the time will never dull the love we loss, just the pain.

May God heal our broken hearts.

your friend

Ellen

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Please don't blame yourself. I'm still having that problem, too, I feel terrible guilt, examining my actions over & over. We are not Dr's, & we are taught to rely on them, trust them, but they are human & make mistakes. Facing this over Christmas is a lot to ask of anyone, I don't care how brave or strong a person is. I had a lot of support after my husbands death & I pray you will receive it from your family & fiends.

Your Gina sounds like a beautiful Lady & I'm so sorry she is gone. You can vent your feelings here, & get tremendous support. I feel your pain & cryed reading your post.

Love, from AZ

[jrm]

I read your beautiful love story. We all have them and treasure them. I'm sorry for you loss. It's only been 5 months since our accident but now I am reliving all of it. I wake up sweating and anxious but I still haven't seen Duke though probably because I only heard his voice asking if I was okay. Haunting memories for all of us. This I must get through because the beautiful memories are there also. All the trips we took on the motorcycle are all in albums around the house. The Harley jackets hang in his closet, all his jerseys and his leather. They are a comfort to me knowing he's close by as I lay down to bed. I have found so much comfort in this site knowing I have people who truly understand. God Bless You. We will heal. Judy