LindaKoz Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Hi all my friends, I don't know if it's the approaching Christmas season, the cold weather, the earlyd arkness or what but all of a sudden I feel like I moving backwards rather than forward. I have spent the past two days crying and shaking. Memories seem to be flooding into my mind and I miss Brian more each day. Once again I am grappling with God and asking why? Brian was strong, appeared healthy, and he really was one of the good guys. He had a strong faith, offered his music as prayer to God, and he was very humble about his talents. We waited our entire lives to meet each other and were just so happy and so in love. Our time together was way too short. We had so many hopes and dreams for the future. It's just not fair!!!!! What am I supposed to do now? I don't even know myself anymore. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I'm tired and I just want to hibernate until spring comes. But then what? There will be new reminders with each season. St. Patrick's Day, Brian's birthday, my birthday . . . . the list goes on and on. Can somebody tell me how I am supposed to get through each significant day in my life without my love? If I'm falling apart as we approach Christmas, what will happen on the actual day? Well, I guess I needed to vent. I'm trying to remember to breathe and I'm doing a lot of sighing. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I'm glad we have each other to lean on. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kavish Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 HI Linda, I am sure you think of Brian , as I do of my best friend Diana, Dabby as she was called in her native Scotland and I just feel fortunate to have met her. I don't feel afraid just because I can't see her physically , but she is there like the rest of our loved ones. I believe in life after death and read Deepak Chopra's book about it. I will continue on this journey with her all my life. I hope to have lots of directions to take and surprise myself. I am not afraid because my heart is full of love for her. Hope you my best wishes and prayers for your Brian in your heart. Regards, Kavish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Dear Linda While I never know what's happening to me (it is 4 months yesterday since I lost my wonderful husband of 32 yrs) I can see clearly from your wrds that you are in a 'down trough'. The person I am seeing described grief as a wave of emotions but said that you can still be moving forward even in the down times. Christmas and New Year are going to be tough - no way around that. I can feel the anxiety and overwhelming despair building also. Experiencing Christmas morning alone and missing the happiness, laughter and sharing before going to see family and friends for a wonderful day, seems incomprehensible to me too. Ditto for every other significant event/holiday to come. Someone on this site who is a bit further along the track said that the anticipation and feelings of dread in the lead up to Christmas time were actually worse than the actual day for her. Maybe that is a defence mechanism for us and a positive from all that you are going through now. You sound like you are trying 'to be strong' all the time. For me, I don't think that will help in the long run. I am strong when I am on the upside of the 'wave' or when I sense that someone else who is also sharing this devastating loss needs that from me. When I am on the 'down side' I am learning to relax and accept it more. There always seems to be somebody/something that comes along to help me resurface. I wish you some calm times and smiles over the weeks ahead. I wish that for all of us. With much affection from one who knows...Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Hi Linda, I'm sorry you are still having such a rough time...I just met with a counselor and she said don't run from your grief, lean into it...I know that you have not run from it, but I also know that you have encouraged all of us here at the forum family...Linda my friend, I will pray for you...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Thanks. I'm feeling a little better now. Maybe I just needed some time alone and some time to cry. I do tend to fill my schedule. It's not because I'm trying to run away. Usually I just feel better when I'm with other people. Yesterday was also Brian's daughter's birthday. She's the daughter who was most like him and he should be here to celebrate with her. We should be talking about having all of the kids over on Sunday and discussing our menu, what kind of cake she would want, what to get her for her birthday. All of the things we used to do. Life is just really different now. I still trust in God but I also know God's okay with my grappling. I wrote my paper on the Romans 8:26-39 passage and got some good comments from the professor. I honestly know that God hears my prayers even when I have no words and this is comforting. Yesterday I got an e-mail which quoted this exact passage and said some of the same things I wrote. That's always a good feeling -- I get the passage. I know that someday my grief experience will allow me to be compassionate to others and to help them find a path to healing. I'm thinking about designing a seminar to present at churches on how to help people who are grieving. What to say, what to do, what not to say, what not to do. So many people just don't seem to know how to respond to people who have suffered a great loss. Maybe I can help? I've certainly had my share of people who are insenstivie but I've also encountered great compassion. Just some thoughts and I try to figure out who I am and what my future holds. Thanks again for the love, prayers, and support. My hope is that we will all help each other heal and find those moments of peace and perhaps even joy. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MHO419 Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Linda, I am still very new to this site. My husband, Wen, passed away October 22, 2009, after a short 4 month battle with liver cancer at the age of 34. I also feel as you do; "Memories seem to be flooding into my mind," and, "I don't even know myself anymore. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I'm tired and I just want to hibernate until spring comes." I try to run away from myself but everywhere I run, I'm still there:( I am tired all of the time. I want to turn off my brain and my heart feels shattered. I am still dealing with life insurance and legal things and paperwork having to do with Wen's death. It seems to be getting more difficult for me everyday. I don't think it is only because of the holidays for me, it is everyday. My husband and I didn't have any children yet, so we were still kids just playing everyday. Of course, we wanted to have children soon but God didn't have that in his plans for us. I am only 32 years old and I don't think I even figured out who I am yet, but now I have to start again. I finally found my soul-mate and at this point, I can't even consider having to start over. I feel that Wen is the lucky one, because he doesn't have all of these "earthly" stressors to deal with anymore. I'm just so tired... Maxine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
derby Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Linda, Love, blessings, hope, sent to you my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Oh, Maxine, I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. Remember that your loss is very fresh and new. Be gentle on yourself and take life one day at a time. Do what you can handle and the rest will wait. I understand about losing your soulmate, really I do. Brian and I both had previous marriages with children but knew that we had waited our entire lives to meet each other. It hurts, my friend. I understand how lost you feel without him. Come here often and talk to us. We will listen, we will understand, and we will care. It's a hard path that we now walk but when we walk together the burden is a little bit lighter. Make sure you take your time as you grieve. Some days you will be flooded with emotions and memories. I remember thinking I would just not get through them. But, I learned that I needed to honor the tears and sobs and I would slowly realize moments of peace. I still have days where I'm not sure how to function. I hope there will be some healing as we do the grief work. I hope that we will both be able to recognize our new selves some day. I hope that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Lean on me when you need to. I will always listen. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 I think it must be the holiday season because I have noticed an increase in the sadness on this site. I, as others on this site have said, have met new friends (also have quit drinking) but still have empathy and sympathy for all the folks that have helped me so much here. I still check in from time to time and read some of the posts and continue to remember to pray for all the needs that are represented on this site. I'm sure I'm not completely out of the woods of grief, but being on this site and meeting a special friend has done wonders for me. I wish the same for all of you. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Hey Ted, I'm so proud of you for quitting the drink...You have what it takes to get out there again and have love again...Even though we are all grieving, our spouses are dancing on the streets of gold and they are blessed and joyful...shouldn't we be happy for them....I know the grief still hits us, but we have to live sometime again...breath...and have our well being...Christmas is tough as can be...I finally found out last night what day it falls on...a Friday isn't it...I don't even want to hear about New Years Eve...that is how much I am out of it....Bless you my forum family.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Linda, Is your paper too long to send to me??? I would love to see it, but if it is a pain to send to me that's okay too...bless you..Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted December 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Hi Rochel, I'd be glad to send you a copy. Will have to do it from home since it's stored on my laptop. Keep in mind it's a little academic in the beginning -- requirements of the paper. It's the interpretive part that you would want to read, especially at the end when I focus on the contemprary potential for the passage. I'll send it to you over the weekend. Thanks for wanting to read my paper. I used to read all of my papers, sermons, etc. to Brian. Sometimes I'm sure he was totally bored but he listened. I don't have my "sounding board" anymore. I miss him. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Hey Rochel, it's good to see you back on the site and still have all those encouraging words. Where have you been? Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Well Ted you see...I have been living in a walk-in closet at my moms..she is telling me what to do...I go out to senior citizens lunches...and walk alone in fact I do everything alone because no one can keep up with me...and I write here to you and everybody else because I miss my life at home in Phoenix..don't you live in Phoenix???How is the weather there??? I at first planned to stay here until Jan 22nd which is 42 days from now, but wow, that is a long time from now...You are sounding so much better...I don't hear that heavy grief anymore that you were experiencing before...I'm happy for you...What has helped you??? Maybe we should all try some of that...Bless you, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrm Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Linda I read your posts all the time. You do inspire me though you may think you are not doing well. I see you moving forward. I think right now we are all feeling the anxiety of the coming Christmas day. Two weeks seems so far away and hopefully after the "day" we can start to move forward again. I cry all the time for my Duke, just 5 months ago we were so happily married (40 years) Enjoying the best of our lives taking an early retirement. Though you only had a short time with Brian it sounds like it was just idyllic, but I too am sorry you lost him so soon. If we lean on each other here at the forum I know we will make it through for we truly understand each other where our family and friends cannot feel the same. God Bless you. You are in my prayers. Jude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrm Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Wow 32 years old and suffering such a loss. Please accept my condolences. As most of us have said, this is a time for you to heal. Grieving is very tiring so please get all the rest you can. Let your tears flow anytime, anywhere. Cherish the memories you made with Wen. Most of the tears will be brought on thinking about those memories. Keep posting on this site, I've found it very comforting to have some place to "vent". And then I can empathize with those with newer or deeper losses. I will keep you in my prayers. Jude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted December 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 Thanks, Jude. Today was a better day for which I am quite thankful. I just realized that on "better" days I am able to feel Brian's presence. And, it is quite a gift. I just had a conversation with him and I promised him that I will do my best to live. I honestly know that's what he wants for me. He doesn't want me to be a shadow for the rest of my life. The ups and downs of grief are quite strange but I'm working my way through one small step at a time. I hold you in my prayers, my friend. I'm sad to hear that your love was taken from you as you were enjoying retirement. It just doesn't seem fair. I pray that you are also able to find moments of peace and that you can find blessings in the memories which I know that you cherish. December is a hard, hard month. Lean on me and I will lean on you. I'm sending lots of hugs and love you way. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted December 13, 2009 Report Share Posted December 13, 2009 Linda: I am glad you are doing better. I, too, have had hard times these last few days. I have been asking why, a lot lately. I know I won't get an answer, but it doesn't stop the question. For Christmas and New Years, I am surrounding myself with family, as I don't think I could bear to be alone. Hugs, Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted December 15, 2009 Report Share Posted December 15, 2009 Hi all my friends, I don't know if it's the approaching Christmas season, the cold weather, the earlyd arkness or what but all of a sudden I feel like I moving backwards rather than forward. I have spent the past two days crying and shaking. Memories seem to be flooding into my mind and I miss Brian more each day. Once again I am grappling with God and asking why? Brian was strong, appeared healthy, and he really was one of the good guys. He had a strong faith, offered his music as prayer to God, and he was very humble about his talents. We waited our entire lives to meet each other and were just so happy and so in love. Our time together was way too short. We had so many hopes and dreams for the future. It's just not fair!!!!! What am I supposed to do now? I don't even know myself anymore. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I'm tired and I just want to hibernate until spring comes. But then what? There will be new reminders with each season. St. Patrick's Day, Brian's birthday, my birthday . . . . the list goes on and on. Can somebody tell me how I am supposed to get through each significant day in my life without my love? If I'm falling apart as we approach Christmas, what will happen on the actual day? Well, I guess I needed to vent. I'm trying to remember to breathe and I'm doing a lot of sighing. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I'm glad we have each other to lean on. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Linda, here is an inspirational song by Celtic Woman (You Raise Me Up) that you might like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofYrt9ymTRo&feature=related Hope this blesses you this day. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now