burrsyblue Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 I'm struggling to convince myself that what I'm going through is normal.My Grandma passed away at the end of November. Basically, I walked in to her palliative care room without being told she had already passed away (I expected to see her to say goodbye, tell her I loved her...) The shock of seeing her without being warned or prepared (the nurses said later they 'hoped to catch us' before we went into the room) and my sadness at the loss has had a really big effect on me. In retrospect I'm not sure I would have even gone into the room had I been given the choice. I've never seen a deceased person before - let alone a beloved relative. I've also never experienced the loss of someone close before. I have a really small family.Since then, I've been struggling with strange thoughts which have caused me to really question my sanity, feel detached from reality, be really emotional and over-analytical of my thoughts, and just trying to process what death is, and the knowledge that we are all mortal. I've also been having some images of myself being violent in my mind which I'm hoping are a direct result of the experience (I call them 'daymares').These thoughts have escalated to the point where I sometimes actually believe that I'm capable of violence, or the thoughts trick me into thinking I WANT to be violent. (I don't FEEL like I want to do these things, and I've certainly never had to physically stop myself - it's like my mind has its own agenda.)This is in direct and total opposition to the me I know, love and am familiar with - I'm normally loving, empathetic, and generous - without question.I feel so lost. These thoughts make me loathe myself - because of their content and the fact that I can't control them.I'm having therapy, as well as doing my best to keep the communication lines open with my family and partner, although it's been quite difficult. It would help me so much to hear from others who have had 'strange' thoughts, whether as a result of grief or depression. I just need to not feel so alone.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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