Identity Crisis

[billyanne]

Hi I am new to this site. My husband died in a car accident on September 6th 2004. I was with him and was not hurt, he died quickly. I loved being married to him, and was proud to be a Mrs. I would like to know if the people out there who have lossed thier spouse still consider themselves married. And for the woman, do you still expect to be called Mrs. You see I do. I feel like I am still married and am insulted to be thought of as anything else. I feel as though I have the right to always be considered married. Please let me know how you all feel. or respond to people.

[H.A.B.]

Good morning billyanne. It's nice to hear that some1 else out there feels exactly the same as I do. As far as I'm concerned I will always be "Mrs" and I frankly don't care what the rest of the world thinks. In my heart I am still married. When we were married, as the JP said "til death do u part", we looked at each other and mouthed "for all eternity" and that's the way it is. I still wear my wedding rings and I wear his too, tho I've noticed that some people find this extremely odd. My husband may not be here physically but he lives on in my heart. Yes, the next 30 or 40 years are gonna be lonely with only memories of the love we once shared but, I had real love and it shall keep me until we meet again. Take care.

[billyanne]

Hi H.A.B

Thanks for responding. I also had my husbands ring sized down and then soldered to mine. I did not think contacting a web site would be helpful, but just getting your response was good. I feel so close to my husband and I just want people to respect the fact that I am not single, I am a widow and I am still with my husband even though he is not with me physically. I know I will probably have to pull a few people up when they forget this.

[H.A.B.]

I wish u luck in pulling certain people up when they try to forget that in your heart u are and always will be married. Some people are afraid of death (the mere word sends them running) other ignore it (like it will never come to their door) and the only people who will really understand how u feel are those who have gone thru it. This web site has given me great comfort in the early morning hours when I needed to connect with others out there who have and are still in the throse of grief. It helps to keep me focused and realize I am not alone. TC

[Scribe]

I'm new to this group as well. My wife of 44 years passed away of a sudden heart attack on December 26, 2004. Driving home in the car this morning, I was thinking of a title for my first posting and came up with "Identity Crisis." Imagine how suprised I was to see your message.

I was always "Fred" of "Fred & Jane." Now, I'm not sure who I am. But a friend gave me a copy of "A Grief Observed," by C. S. Lewis, which has the following quote, "Bereavement is not the truncation of married love but one of its regular phases...What we want is to live our marriage well and faithfully through that phase too."

This has beocome my goal. It is what I think you are doing and I salute you for it.

[billyanne]

Hello Fred,

I love that quote. I am going to print it up and frame it and put it on my wall with my Billy's pictures. I hate the fact we are all going through this. I just feel as though I am waiting and exsisting. For what I do not know. It is weird how the world seems so pointless now. Anyway thank you for replying to my question

[Scribe]

billyanne,

Further along inthe book, there's another quote which I have engraved in my mind: "We are still in love. We will be still married, still in love. Therefore we shall still ache. But we are not at all ...seeking the aches for their own sake. The less of them the better, so long as the marriage is preserved. And the more joy there can be in the mariage between dead and living, the better."

I know that feeling of suspension, dangling helplessly. Around my neck, I wear Janie's wedding ring on a gold chain. It reminds me to think of what she would want me to do. She was a strong, positive woman. I know she wouldn't want me to give up. Maybe I'm waiting to gather the strength to go on...and while I'm waiting I will use every resource I can find to help me get through this. Writing these messages is one of those resources.

So, thank you for responding.

Fred

[spela]

They who are loved can never die ...

[Charlie]

Identity crisis, thats what I feel, thanks for the explanation. I do not know who I am anymore, I was always Grace, in the Charlie & Grace of life. Now I am no one. I am just a lonely, lost, vulnerable, sole, wondering what life is all about and where mine is going these days. I feel no purpose, no reason to go on or even enjoy little things anymore. After 5 months of having him gone I thought I would be bettter adjusted, but I feel more pain now then when I lost him. I cry now most every night and try to put on this brave front for my children and co-workers, they all tell me how good I am doing, they should only know what I am like when I am alone with my thoughts.

I have no identity anymore. Who am I and where am I going???

Thanks for listening

Grace

ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

My life, My love, My everything, you are just a breath away

[billyanne]

It is so nice to hear from people. I also put on this brave face and people must think I am doing so well. I just want to shout at them and say "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I AM FEELING". I have wonderful friends but I do not feel as though I can talk to them about my real grief and Ican not afford to go to counciling.

I speak to my mother in law once a week, but even then it is to reasure her I am keeping busy. We do not talk of our pain. And I do not talk to the other members of my husbands family very much.

I sit and think of my life with Bill and the things we did and sometimes it feels as though it were all a dream. It is a horrible feeling I feel as though me being with someone for 14 years was just a dream.

Does anyone else feel like this. I do not like it.

Anne

[Charlie]

I think thats what we all want to believe, this is just a bad dream. I am going to wake up and he will still be here, comforting me and telling me I just had a bad dream, thats all it was.

How and when do we wake up and know this is what life is now. You are alone forever and he is not coming back. Friends say with time you will heal and it won't hurt so much. I cannot imagine that I will ever not feel this loss and pain.

I write to my husband every day in a journal and tell him how much I miss him and how my day went. It makes me feel closer to him and if he is still here and we are discussing our day at the dinner table like we used to do.

Nights are the worst, going to bed alone, looking at his side of the bed and knowing he will not be lay there and I will not see him when I awake. A lifetime just wasn't enough.

Hugs to you anne, Yes, I do know how you are feeling.

Grace

[LBA]

I don’t know if I have enough experience to contribute at this point, but here’s my offering. Six weeks ago (tomorrow) my wife of 28 years (Sharon) went home to be with the Lord. She battled cancer for seven years. She was only 53 years old, and I was hoping she would live a long time. All our plans were built on that assumption. Watching her die was exasperating beyond measure. Replaying the memory of this, as I so often do, drives me to my knees in uncontrolled sobbing. Though it was entirely expected that she would die, and certainly so over the last couple of years, painfully so over the last three months, it really wasn’t expected, if you know what I mean. Now that I am physically separated from the most precious person ever in my life, the pain and bewilderment are simply off the scale. YES, I too feel married. How can I not feel this way after 28 years of marriage? I still wear my wedding ring. I am going to have her ring attached to mine and wear both. I intend to wear it for quite some time, maybe always. I hope that you have better days, and that your grief now, and that your grief in the future will always honor your loved one. I am sure if your husband knew the level of your love and grief that you are experiencing, he would surely be touched and honored beyond measure. This is my goal, to honor my wife through my grief for the rest of my life, even after it gets easier. I have heard it gets easier, though I am not at all looking for it to be easier right now. For me, it takes the hand of a loving Heavenly Father to comfort me and to remind me that I will see my wife someday. I look forward to that day, and in many ways wish it were today. But that is not in my hands, nor should it ever be. The grief is overwhelmingly there, but so too is the comfort I receive from “His” hands. I just finished reading a book titled Life after Loss by Bob Diets. I am going to re-read it, and I do recommend it. I found it to be useful in understanding my loss, and it actually comforting to read. I wish you well, I wish you God’s Blessings, and I wish you grief that is healing to you as well as honoring to your husband.

[diron]

I have just read all your words and thank you. You are all saying what I am feeling. I know I can't have Ron and life back the way it was but my heart is breaking over and over and over. We only had 11 years of marriage. Both of us had been married before unhappily and so dated for 2 and half years before marrying, we were so gun shy. But we had such happiness and laughed and loved and enjoyed every moment. How are we supposed to go on?

I want so badly to feel Ron's arms around me again. He was my strength, my shelter, my friend.

[spela]

Dear everybody,

I have read your words and they could hace been mine ... There is some comfort in knowing that there are people who do understand and know how you feel ... The boy I love died in January, he was only 32 years old, he had cancer. It still feels like a dream. Everything - the life I'm living now, his death, all the moments we had together ... I can't talk to my friends - I know that they can't understand. I wand at least dream about him. I want to see him in my dreams, smiling, being happy ... But the dreams I've been having are bad dreams. I dream that he's lying in bed, dying, alone ... Though I was there with him when he died, hodling his hand, telling him I love him and always will ... Now I'm just thinking and asking: Will we ever meet again?

[Charlie]

As I read all your posts I wonder how we all can experience this same painfull feelings and yet each and every one of us are experiencing our own special grief and the special relationship we had with our loved one.

My heart goes out to all of you, no one can even remotely understand what happens to you inside when you lose a special person you share your life with until it happens to them. I've read all the books on grief and have spoke to many on these web sites and they are so very helpful to me to understand that I am not alone. We are not alone, even though life seems to be a very lonely place these days.

I am approaching the 6 month point and the missing him, gone to long phase is setting in. I knew for a year he was going to die and watching it slowly happen was devastating, but now that he is really gone and the shock has subsided I find myself wondering what my life will be like until I join him. I try to remind myself, If God brings you to it, he will bring you thru it.

Hugs to you all

Grace

ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

MY life, My love, My everything, you are just a breath away

[RonnieLou]

I'm new to this site...and pretty used to "having it all together". I thought I could do this by myself, but the longer this goes, I see that I am wrong....and that it's ok to admit that you are hurting and weak.......

My husband was a missionary and died of a heart attack on an airplane on his way to the Philippines in January of 2005, he was 44 years old...... I have 4 children that have been wonderful for me, but I too feel "lost"...We would have celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary on March 15. I never really realized how much of my identity I got from being joined to this man....I always thought I was pretty "independent", but now have realized how much I was "co-dependent" upon him. The best way to describe it is, that I feel "alone, "naked", "uncovered" and "exposed" for all the world to see....I'm not even sure who "I" am without "him"...I realize now that all my "likes" and "dislikes" had become his "likes" and "dislikes"...all my "goals" and "dreams" had become "his goals and dreams".....etc. I don't even know where to start to find "myself" again....However, I know that "In our weakness, God is made strong" so I am trusting that God will somehow enable each one of us to find our way and to come into our own purpose for being, turning our tragedies into victories.....God bless each of you on your journey to find happiness once again...

REV. LARRY N. KEY

Born 1960 Died 2005

www.childrenshungernetwork.org