Conflicted Relationships

[Diamond]

I looked over the topics for bereavement and am not sure where to post. According to the reading I've done, and the self-analysis and analysis of my family (parents and siblings and myself), I am a survivor of life-long severe and traumatic emotional abuse from my parents and siblings. I have set pretty stringent boundaries with my family but they are always so "nice" and make me feel guilty for not being happy with everyone. Now we are facing serious ill health in our parents and the Big Question is whether or not I will go to their funerals. I talked with a few people--a friend who has received similar treatment from siblings, and a person who has professional training. I conclude that for my own welfare it is probably best not to go--it will depend how I feel when the time comes--but how does one deal with siblings who will put on the guilt trip? Even my sisters whom I thought understood and were sympathetic demonstrate hurt that I might not go. I can see their point. If I don't appear at my parents' funerals my siblings will have to answer awkward questions from the other relatives and church people. That will be unpleasant for them. At the same time, I think maybe it's time to stop compromising myself just to keep everyone else happy. They won't be "happy" with me anyway; all the relatives will be critical of me whether or not I show up. I have made some life decisions that they strongly disapprove of. They think I am on the way to hell, and that they have to save me before it's too late. Whether or not I attend any funerals will not change anybody's mind. If I don't go, at the very least I won't have to feel all the negative vibes, questions, looks, etc. directly. I am geographically separated from them and will hardly meet anyone if I don't go. Frankly, I've wished my parents had disowned me when I had to make these major decisions; then nobody could blame me for not participating in family things. As it is, I feel I am under obligation to do these things, yet it takes too big a toll on me emotionally. (I have already skipped a grandparent's funeral and a brother's wedding, so they know it might happen. But I think they will be especially shocked if I don't go to a parent's funeral; somehow, our society considers parents sacred.) The counsellor I talked to said people with difficult relationships with their parents experience the death of a parent as really traumatic whether or not they go to the funeral. My life could probably be summed up as a long succession of grief and broken hearts because of the love that never materialized. But how can I ever put this message across to well-meaning relatives who quite naturally will see me as the ungrateful and wayward daughter? On top of that, if Mom goes first, then Dad will be hurt that I don't attend her funeral, or vice versa. Somehow, it seems like I shouldn't have to carry the family's hurts and burdens but it comes so naturally because I've done it all my life. The last twenty years or so I've tried not to do it so much anymore, but the stage is set to repeat the worst case of scenario and simply put: I'm scared. I'm also incredibly sad for what has not been and will never be. I can't talk to friends about this because they all think decent people have close relationships with their families. I better stop for now; I could go on forever.

[tattoodlb]

Diamond, I can certainly relate to your "what if and when" scenario, and upon my mother's death, all of her brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) basically do not talk to me any more. It is quite a long story and this forum is for when your parents actually pass on, so if you want to e-mail me privately we can discuss this further. Unfortunately, death brings out the worst in people as much as it does the best, basically because people do not know how to handle it. I sympathize with you and it is good to read that you are seeing a professional for your issues, as probably I should do, in any event, it is important that you do not definitely make up your mind if you will attend a funeral or not ahead of time. I always said if my mother killed herself with drugs that I would not go to the funeral, and you know what? I was there anyway, because it is the loss of the person, the hope of a future relationship, the loss of the one who brought you into this world, that is acknowledged at a funeral, it is saying good bye whether it is good, bad, or otherwise. Somehow not saying good bye is worse than not going because you don't want to deal with everyone else's opinions, attitudes, etc. The ceremony of death is important, even if it is sad.

Peace to you.

[zuzuspetals]

When my dad died ten years ago, my little sister took it upon herself to hold a memorial service for him. I lived in the same city, but I decided to mourn him in my own way - I rode the Staten Island Ferry by myself and thought about what we had shared. He was not religious in any way, did not say he wanted any service of any kind, and the people that went were all my little sister's friends - no relatives came. Ten years later, as my mother is dying and will be gone in just few months at most, maybe weeks. This little sister is making noise about having a 'party' after she dies... again, all her friend sill be coming - not my mother's friends or relatives. And I know I will be disapproved of for not wanting to go... and that makes me angry more than anythign else.. She is my mother and I can feel waht I feel when I feel it - not for show and not for people who won't even be there.

Yet, when my mom was diagnosed, I chose to stay home, 3000 miles away... and in just a couple weeks I changed my mind and went to see her and all my sisters. I cannto guarantee that I won't want to go when she dies, or even before. I don't feel the need now.. but things and feelings and needs change.

Don't go for the approval or disapproval of people you don't live with or deal with - look into your heart and see if being with your siblings would be good for you. This person is someone you shared for most of your life.. and that bond, however tainted is a strong one. There is comfort in knowing htat what you are feeling is shared.

I sure would like to be crystal clear about how I feel about my mom and sisters now.. but I don't. I do knwo I have no interest whatsoever in going to a gathering of my little sister's friends and calling it a memorial for my mom. And I don't do ritual easily or well.. I always feel akward and pretty miserable in groups of people, and yet, I am keeping an open mind and heart about this.. I will decide as I feel my way - depending upon whether my mom needs or wants to see me again, whether my sisters and I need each other's support (or annoyances) to deal with this..

If nothing else, going is a way to say goodbye to the old hurtful set-up, the old ways. That is one thing I keep remembering, amongst the good stuff, is a load of crap for me and my mom, me and my sisters.. and I want that to end. So, if I go, it won't be because of any duty, but because this is an ending of great magnitude.

Best,

LN

[delphyne]

I CAN'T SAY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL CAUSE I WAS CLOSE TO MY DAD WHEN HE PASSED AWAY, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS, I GREW UP HATING MY GRANDMOM SHE WAS NOT GOOD WITH ME OR MY SISTER.SHE PASSED AWAY IN DECEMBER. I LIVE ABOUT 15 HOURS AWAY FROM ALL MY FAMILY. AN I DEBATED ON WEATHER I SHOULD GO OR NOT, BUT THEN I CAME TO THE RELIZATION THAT I HAD TO GO FOR ME. IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE. WE WERE ALOWD ALONE TIME WITH HER AN I TOLD HER ALL OF WHAT I HAD FELT AS A CHILD GROWING UP. THINGS THAT I WAS NOT ABLE TO TELL HER WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE. IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE FOR MYSELF. I LEFT THE FUNERAL FELLING BETTER THAN I HAVE IN A LONG TIME. YES I WAS SAD CAUSE SHE WAS GONE AN I WOULD NEVER GET TO KNOW HER AS A PERSON, BUT I NO LONGER FELT THAT I HATED HER. I NO LONGER RESENTED THE WAY SHE TREATED ME GROWING UP. I HOPE THAT THIS WILL HELP YOU IN SOME WAY AN WISH YOU THE BEST

DELPHYNE

[tootie]

I fortunatly did not have this trouble with my mom, she was my best friend, & passed away almost 2 years ago now.

But I did have this trouble with my dad....who died Nov. 21 2004.........he was a jerk, mean to me, my hubby & children.

I did not go to any of the services for him. I did ask my children if they wanted to go & if they had wanted to I would have taken them.

I am the baby of 9 kids & not a one of my siblings or their familys talk to me.

It was very hard to deal with the fact that they would not at 1st, but they had already become distant when mom passed away, so I guess to me it was not that much worse.

I do however NOT feel quilty or bad because I did not go.

I believe that you have to make the decision on your own & as long as you are ok with it then do not worry what others think.

Honey you have to live every day with yourself not them.

I wish you all the best.

Tootie