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It's Been 3 Months And Getting Worse Day By Day


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Three months ago today, we lost our lab Buey. Our dogs are our children- they have never seen the inside of a kennel or crate, never been away from us for more than an hour or two at a time Our business allowed them to be with us all the time. We spent countless hours training them, and they are amazing- we have a bond with them that is unlike any that we have ever had with anyone.

Buey (age 9)started limping in October last year.. he had always had a limp- arthirtis in the front foot and he had a foot injury to his other foot.. his whole life he had been plagued with foot injuries.. He was very active, and it was non uncommon for us to hike or jog up to 5 miles a day with them. We thought this injury was just because he did a 5 mile run for the first time in awhile a few days earlier, and so we gave him some meds.. All of a sudden his appetite decreased and his tail dipped between his legs.. I took him to the vet over the weekend, and they scheduled us to come back the next week.. Took him mid week for bloodwork, etc.. and the vet said he was dehydrated and put him on an IV.. after the IV was done.. we took him home and over the course of the night.. he lost his ability to walk on his own.. his back legs would slip out from under him.. The next day we were back at the vets and then drove him to a vet hospital an 1 1/2 hours away for an ultrasound.. the vet said that it appeared to be prostate cancer. We sent his xrays to a University to get a definite diagnosis.. He was unable to walk, on an IV constantly (I learned how to change bags, etc) They said that the prostate cancer had eaten away his kidneys and went to the bone..

On Monday the 16th- our vet called with the final diagnosis.. prostate cancer with met to the bone.. He was up most of the night before crying, which was awful, because he was the type of dog that never ever whined about anything.. he was strong, stoic.. amazing. We made the decision to end his suffering..

I am getting better.. I still cry every day.. i still miss him horribly.. but my dh is having a horrible time, so i am trying to be strong for him. .. Buey was his baby, followed him everywhere.. My DH asks me several times a day what certain vets said, etc.. he asks me so much that I went to the vet and got all of his records and reports, so I could go over it with him.. He refuses to read the reports, and goes back and forth every day if we did the right thing.. should we have put him on morophine and let hem live his life out naturally.. I have always been against euthanisia, but the night Buey stayed up crying.. i felt a higher power give me clairity. I was not in the room when it happened, I could not be.. my dh was there with him.. and the image haunts him.. We had Buey creamated privately.. and we have his ashes. My DH is going thru tremendous sorrow.. he cries 5-6 hours a day.. screams out in rage at least 30+ times a day.. and his temper and anger are off the charts.. he has talked about shooting himself and says the only thing keeping him here is our other dog, and me. But he is convinced I'll be allright without him.. .. His sorrow and grief have gotten worse over the past 3 months.. At first we were leaning on each other, now he pushes me away.. I don't know what to do.. I don't know what to say.. sometimes he is fine and others he is downright mean to me. I know the answer is to have him talk to someone.. but I can tell you for a fact.. he won't.. He reads the Bible and tries to get clarity. He refuses to talk to anyone and those he does talk to, he lies about how he is doing..and he just reverts back to anger, grief.. blame.. blaming himself for not catching something earlier that might have saved him.. Blaming me for losing my job which is why we didn't rush him to the vet when he started limping..(he has always had foot issues.. a long run or hike had him limping the next day or so.. we thought it was from the run.. that's why.. and we had just taken him to the vet a few weeks earlier, so we had some pain meds left, and we gave him those) Wondering what if the vets were wrong? (we had 6 different vets look at his xrays, ultrasound and bloodwork) Nothing I say or do is right.. Nothing.. I'm tired.. stressed to the max.. i have a full time job and we have a business on the side.. My dh usually takes care of our side business.. but now he is complaining that I am giving him too much work.. so now I'm doing my job and 1/2 of his.. which he still complains about.. He goes from fine to a crying mess.. I have attempted to talk to his folks about it.. and they say he will be fine, I even offered to pay for a trip to see him, and they said no.

Some people have told me to get another dog.. that just angers me.. Buey is not a lightbulb- he is not replaceable.. and adding another family member is a long way off.. We have no human children and don't plan to.

I don't know what to do.. I'm going thru it myself.. but I have to push my feelings aside to be strong for him.. I'm just broken.

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Oh wow, I am so saddened to hear this for you. What a tragedy. My dogs are my babies and (having just lost my mother) I live in fear of losing one of them. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even tell you.

If I may weigh in on the psychological issues you've outlined, perhaps your DH's issues are the typical "anger" stage. I lost my mom 2 1/2 months ago... I must tell you, I'm right in the thick of it. I thought it would be earlier - like "I'm so mad you couldn't stop smoking" or "damn you dad for not being a better husband," and then I thought it would kind of ease off and I'd feel sad but have some capability of vision for the future. But instead, I felt the first couple of months were numb. And NOW, when everyone else in the world is wondering why I'm not "over it", I find that so much of my emotional energy is just about anger. I'm perpetually irritated by my husband - who's done nothing other than be wonderfully supportive. I'm phenomenally angry at my father, and his relationship with my mother. I'm mad at myself for not "doing what I could" earlier (even though I know I was doing what I could and would be permitted at the times). Add to that, these crazy insecurities over what is happening next, when you've come face to face with the temporariness of life. I feel like every call is going to be the police telling me my husband was killed in a car wreck, or that my oh-so-loved dog got out of the yard and wasn't wearing a collar and what can I do?!?! I know I've been an irritable bitch, and I wish it wasn't so. But the fact is - seeing happy, healthy people doing happy, healthy things with their families (including their puppies), and knowing what a fine line separates them from agony - hurts. All the time. I'm not wishing them ill, but at the same time ALL my mind comes back to is knowing how close they are to tragedy. It sounds like he is just having a hard time processing the anger. I must guess that he knows it's not your FAULT about the job situation, and that he knows you loved the pupper too... and his expression of anger is his guilt that he couldn't fix the unfixable. And a need to find a reason why it happened. And an attempt to make himself believe that he's not the reason why this tragedy happened.

If it's been three months, you are probably feeling pretty put upon by now, and I don't blame you (even though I'm the "snotty abuser" in this grief relationship). Maybe you could suggest some grief counseling for him, or some couple therapy for you both? One of the things I hate most about my situation is that this happened just 2 months after my husband and I married. It's hard to have the "for worse" part come so hot-and-heavy so early in the relationship. But, his anger (no matter who it's directed at) is creating scars for you both, and that's unfortunate for both of you. Maybe being able to say, in front of an impartial mediator who just wants both of you to be able to communicate successfully with each other, how hurt you both are by the loss will help him deal with the pain in a more productive way.

Again, so sorry for your loss. Hang in there. Puppies love us like no one else ever will. It's okay to feel the pain of their loss. Talk about unconditional! You'll never get that from anyone with a thumb :-)

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Oh - and as for getting another dog... You will be ready to open your lives to another again. Don't let people who want to buy your loss off with a replacement make you feel less for the fact that it was "only" a pet. Hopefully they are just reminding you that you will have that love in the future and not suggesting a replacement. I can't imagine they want you to replace your baby like a cheap sweater that started pilling. So even though you're not ready to rebuild your family - one day you may be. Don't close yourself off to that. They will make you laugh again :-)

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Thank you for your reply.. And i'm so sorry about your mother.. so sorry. I can't even imagine.

My dh and I have been together for over a decade but married only a few months.

Right now, as I type this.. he is screaming over and over and over. He will scream out of nowhere and it startles me. It's scaring our other dog.. (who is also our baby and going thru the same thing) Talking about how he hates life, how he no longer wants to live.. he's had a gun in his mouth more times than I could count. I'm trying to figure out how to put the child lock on it, so he can't fire it. I don't think he would do it, because he knows what it would do to me. but then he says take out a life insurance policy on me.. So it's like losing my son, then having to lose my husband? I feel him slipping away.

And so now on top of losing my son, I have to deal with this too. It's stress upon stress upon stress. I have the world on my shoulders right now..

He keeps thinking that maybe we made a bad decision because we were up for 5 days straight, no sleeping and no eating.. neither one of us slept more than 8 hours between the 2 of us in 5 days.. so maybe we weren't thinking clearly..

He isn't sleeping and I tried to get him to take a sleeping pill, and he won't.

But I can say this as long as the sky is blue -he won't go talk to anyone, couples or otherwise. He just won't. He said he would rather die.

I have had a hard time myself.. but everyday I feel Buey watching over me. I'm trying to be strong.. trying is the operative word.

His anger and temper are just unbelievable.. i can't do anything right.. i know it's not "all me" but I didn't notice he was out of pop and you would think that I burned his wardrobe. He doesn't drink alcohol.. which is a good thing.. but I can't handle the mood swings.. and I can't bring it up that would only create more tension.

I vowed to love him in good times and in bad.. and I do love him.. more than he will ever know.. But I see him slipping away and I'm powerless to stop it. Yesterday we fasted all day.. we do it every day on the day we lost him. 8pm the night before to 8pm the next night.

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My dear friend,

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Buey, and I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you, dealing not only with your own grief but with that of your husband as well. I must tell you that I find your description of your husband's reactions quite alarming, and I think it's essential that you seek professional help. Whether your husband continues to refuse to seek outside help, you're still free to seek it for yourself, and I urge you to do so immediately. You might begin by contacting a suicide support helpline yourself, to seek advice on how you might persuade your husband to get the help he clearly needs. Please go to this Web site for information and contact numbers: If you're thinking about suicide . . ..

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Thank you Marty..

I am so glad that I found this forum.. I have no one to talk to about it.. My family, though understanding.. has no idea the bonds we have with our dogs, and we live far away from all of our family & friends. He has lied to everyone about how he is doing.

I will call the hotline when I am not at home for him to hear me.. I have no suicidal thoughts.. None. But if it will help him, I will call. I'll do anything to help him get thru this.. I did read the link, I read it yesterday and I really liked what it said.

I honestly don't think he would do it.. but sometimes his rage is scary.. Just 20 minutes ago, he was bawling at the top of his lungs, screaming and bawling how he hates this life and now he is playing with our other dog.

Buey saved us. He changed our lives. both of our dogs did. We were headed down the wrong path, and they changed all that. We credit both of them for saving our lives. So losing one of them is so tramautic..

Just being in this forum has made me feel better.. kind of like a warm blanket on a cold, dark day. Knowing that there are others who understand exactly how I feel.

Thank you for your advice. I'll let you know how it works out.

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Please do keep us informed , dear one ~ and know that we care and we are here for you.

Is there any way you could persuade (bribe? beg? cajole? sweet-talk?) your husband into reading the message on that page?

As in (for example) "Honey, I love you dearly, I know you're hurting terribly, and I'm very worried about you. I read something online that really spoke to me, and it would mean the world to me if you'd be willing to read it, too. Would you be willing to do that for me?" (or words to that effect) . . .

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