Why?

[spela]

I am new to this forum. My dearest friend died six weeks ago. January 27th. He was struggling with liver cancer for 3 years. We believed he would be all right. The cancer didn't spread and it seemed obvious he would recover!

He was so optimistic all the time, so positive, so brave ... On his birthday, on 25th January, he felt horrible pain and was taken to hospital. He died two days later. He was 32 years old ... I'll be 27 in April - am already afraid of that day. How will I manage without him???? The only comfort is that I was there, all the time, while he was dying. I was holding his hand, telling him that I love him and he would never be alone ... But why??? I miss him terribly, though I strongly believe he is still with me. He will always be. But it's so different ... And I'm so lonely ... I can't imagine that I could ever love anyone else. I will always love him. How could god be so unfair???

Someone wrote in another topic that he (she?) feels the presence of his/her fiance. I believe that we never really die. On the night when he died my friend dreamt about us - that we were holding hands. Which we were. On the night before the funeral I dreamt about him. He said "thank you". And just after the funeral, while I was going home, I felt so clearly his presence - so clearly, that I KNEW he could'n be in the grave! How could he if he's here with me! After that I haven't had such a strong feeling ... But I still believe. And I talk to him. I've been crying a lot. I cried when a co-worker told us his girlfriend gave birth to a son ...

I know this message is confused - which reflects my emotions ...

[ana]

Hi Spela

I found some comfort in reading your post about your friend - my brother passed away almost 6 months ago and he was 30 years old. He was my only sibling and big brother and well, I always wondered if his friends missed him etc. - I feel like I'm the only one feeling my pain, next to both my mom and dad.

Does your friend have any brothers or sisters that you can speak to? I'm sure they would love to hear from you...it's comforting on both sides to talk about the person that has passed away.

I spoke to a few of my brothers girlfriends and it was nice to know what they thought of him and how much they missed him.

Take care,

Ana

[spela]

Thank you Ana for your answer. I just came from the graveyard and am still in shock after I saw his name on the stone ... They couldn't have made it earlier because there was snow. I couldn't imagine what a shock it would be to see his name written there. Like I could have pretended before that he would come back - and now I can't anymore. It's final.

I have been wondering whether I should call his sisters. I was thinking that maybe, as I'm not part of the family, they would rather be alone. I have contacts with his younger sister who's now alone with her father (his two big sisters have their own families and his mother died five years ago) but I didn't know if it is ok to ask her if we could go out and talk - though I would like that ... Because we do understand each other. Thank you for sharing your experience. Can I ask you what happened to your brother, if it is not too dificult for you to write? If it is, I'm sorry for asking.