Can't Believe He's Gone.

[kdubbie]

Hello my name is Kevin, and this is my first time visiting. Before I say anything, I want to send out my condolences to all those who are grieving the lose of a loved one and how much I appreciate this website.

I am so sorry to write that on early Saturday morning, I had to put down my beloved max. He was, from the first day we got him at the pound, till his last day, the most well behaved and gentle dog. We called him "special needs" puppy, because he had very bad hips, which made him fragile and slow moving. I remember discovering that even I could out run him (and I am a little over weight). But he never let his hips get the best of him, he ran around the backyard and in the park, very happy but just a little slower than the others.

His death was so fast and so out of nowhere, that I am having such a difficult time finding any meaning or peace out of it. Late friday night I let him out in the backyard like I always do and he was fine, nothing wrong whatsoever! But when I called him back inside 20 minutes later, he couldn't come. I went out back to find him lying on the deck in the corner and he wasn't moving so well. His stomach was very bloated and he was having difficulty breathing. I called my father (who is a veterinarian, lives across the country) and he said to get to the emergency clinic immediately. It turned it was a torsion, his stomach literally flipped in his stomach and started bloating, and when that happens they have very little time without surgery...And I couldn't afford the surgery...I feel so horrible that I couldn't afford the surgery. I feel like it's my fault, I feel like I should have done more. That if I only sold off enough of my stuff, he would still be here....My father assured me that I made the right decision...That it was a risky surgery to begin with and he might not make it through. And, this could keep happening again and again...I layed down with him and held him for the last time that night, and it was the most awful experience.

Max was such a big part of my life. He always followed me to every room when I walked through the house and every time he walked into the room, whether I was tired and stressed or happy as could be, I felt better. I loved that I was able to pet him every day and play with him and take him on car rides and see his happy face looking out the window. I think most of all, I will miss the excitement he showed when I would start walking over the draw that had his leash. He knew where I was going every time And as soon I opened the draw and grabbed the leash, he was ecstatic.

What I am struggling with most right now is, I just can't believe he's really gone and how badly I want him back. Some part of this doesn't feel real, I think I have had dreams that have felt more real than these last few days. As I am writing this, he would normally be in the bed next to my desk. Now he's not there and I feel so cheated...and empty, like a big chunk of who I am is missing.

With all these feelings going on, I do feel lucky that I can see how much he has benefited my life and that I am a better person. I truly did cherish every moment I had with him, and know that I provided him a great life, just like he did for me. I just sooo want him back...

Thank you all very much for being here.

Thanks a lot,

Kevin

[annette85035]

Hi Kevin!

I'm sorry for your loss of your pet/part of your family!

I know the feeling, questioning yourself if you did the right thing-putting them to sleep..we're told to ask ourselves if we're only keeping them around for us or doing what was best for the pet.

I'm sure Max loved and trusted you so and you gave him the best he could get in what time he had,so don't forget that!

Not many people will take on a pet that already has health or physical problems, so be proud of yourself that you did.

In TIME, you might consider getting another special animal.I think Max would want that so you wouldn't be alone. But as I said, you will know when it is time.

[MartyT]

Dear Kevin,

I'm so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved companion Max, and I understand completely that intense desire of wanting him back. Buddies like Max have a way of inserting themselves into every aspect of our daily lives, unlike any other creature with whom we share our homes. I truly do believe that is why we're so acutely aware of their absence when they're gone ~ in addition to their total devotion, steadfast loyalty and unconditional love. Is it any wonder that you're feeling a Max-sized hole in your heart now?

I hope you'll take some time to read some of the articles I've gathered on this topic of pet loss, as I think doing so will help you see that you're not alone in feeling as you do ~ and certainly you're most welcome to continue participating in our forum here, where you'll find yourself among kindred spirits, animal lovers all, who know firsthand the agony of loving and losing a cherished animal companion. Please see my Web page, Pet Loss Articles.

[kdubbie]

Thank you both for the warm sentiments...I find that I am feeling better more and more....It still sucks and I still want him back, but I am thankful that the sadness is being replaced with gratitude, love and hope.

[Elizabeth149]

Kevin - I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that surreal, this can't be real feeling. It's been very unsettling for me. I'm coming up on a year since I had to put down my dog Chela and it's only been 10 weeks since I had to say goodbye to my other dog Casper. The void their absence has left in my life is a literal hole in my life. I know logically that they're gone but emotionally, I still just don't want to accept it. I'm still shocked when I go home and I don't see those faces anxiously awaiting for me to open the door and take them for a ride or a walk or just give them a hug. Give it time is about all I've been hearing but time feels so slow when you're hurting so much. Not that you're looking for advice - but I will suggest that you just take things a day at a time and acknowledge that for awhile, you're going to hurt like hell. The unconditional love of our animal companions is irreplaceable. That love and acceptance are really hard to move forward without. There are several decent books on grieving the loss of a pet. You may find some comfort in knowing what you're feeling and going through is normal. Many say it's like losing a child and the grief goes extremely deep. That's how it's been for me. It helps when you find others who know what you mean and understand the depth of your sadness. You've lost more than an animal or pet. You've lost a companion, a friend, a child, a part of your family, a piece of your heart. Our animals are so hard to say goodbye to as they have never given us a moment of judgment, or said or done anything to hurt us. That decision to let them go is always so hard -- but the best decisions aren't always the easiest to make and are often the most painful ones to make. Your Max knew you loved him and someday you'll remember him and it won't hurt so much. I don't know when that'll be, but it will come eventually. The body dies but the love between you doesn't. I hope and pray you find some peace.

Elizabeth