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my baby (canine) died 2 wks ago. she had been ill and her care was intense and very involved - injections, forcefeedings being the things i wish i could have done more carefully, less traumatically... i'm left now regretting deeply every moment she was upset about the things i felt i had to do to care for her. but now, i believe strongly - sadly - that i could have been much gentler, less invasive if i had taken more time, been more patient, or perhaps even chosen to let her refuse food rather than force it on her. the tech at the hospital showed me how to do it gently, but i guess i became desperate as time went on and wanted to make sure she ate... as for the needles, she had to do sub-q fluids daily. i didn't know at first, but eventually - too late - discovered that the tiniest needles really did hurt less. but by then, just "tenting" her flesh for the poke upset her. i wish i had figured out a way to make it gentler for her. i could see how upset she was, and i did know a more time-consuming way to go easier on the feeding...

i know i handled her with incredible delicacy and tenderness most of the time, but the memories of her anxiety over these administrations torture me. i'm horribly grief-stricken anyway, but this subject is the one that really distresses me most right now.

the trouble is, it does not comfort me to think that i did the best i could - because i'm certain i could have done better. in other words, the standard consolations do not apply here... i've already walked through them and found myself truly lacking... i do know "i'm only human" and that i was genuinely struggling to do the best for her at the time...

so i guess the thing that upsets me is mostly the knowledge that she suffered, and that it may not have needed to be as rough as it was. she had too much, anyway - the illness chiseled away at her tiny little body and at her precious life; it was terrible to see, and we did everything we could - or thought we could - at every point...

weeping for my baby,

sydney, pepper's always mom

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I understand all the pain your going through and hopefully with every new day the pain will become less. We must never forget all the goodness and joy our pets have brought us whether they are with us for a short time or long time. Don't beat yourself up over should of's and could of's, your pet is in a better place now. Right now I myself am dealing with an illness of my pet and every day is a struggle for me. Just remember your pet with all the good qualities.


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