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I mis read the other forum and thot it said "Losing a Spouse, PARENT or signifigant other" Duh - typical these days, I seem to have lost my powers of concentration completely

I lost my mother and my uncle within 4 months of each other. My uncle was more my father than my real father ever was, and they were the last members of my family. I miss talking to them SO much ...

My mother was ill for some time and I had to leave a job I loved and move back home to care for her, I couldnt find work in my field and was unemployed for two years. I went through my savings paying her medical expenses and my own living expenses, and maxed out a line of credit and my credit card.

I ran up over $14,000.00 in debts looking after my mother. Her estate was supposed to go to me to settle these debts however after her death I found out my brother and sister had "tricked" her into signing all her accounts over to them and they abscounded with the whole estate. On top of it all I was left to pay for her funeral as they refused to, and the grave stone. I was then forced to sell my house in order to settle these debts, and that didnt cover them completely - I stil owe over $7000.00.

I was in shock, still am, that my brother and sister could do this to me. They are both wealthy, I am partially disabled single parent and can only work part time and have a very low income.

During this period I also had major emergency surgery, and it took nine weeks for the incision to heal completely - the incision was left open to heal from the bottom up and everyday I had packing removed and pushed back into it again. The pain was terrible, so it was pretty well the WORST time of my life.

I went through most of this on my own as my "partner" was working away from home. When I would phone he was never in - I later found out during this awful time, when I NEEDED support the most he was cheating on me. He started this affair the same day my uncle died --

Now he seems to think I should just "forgive and forget" and "can on with it" and pretend nothing happened - and now that he's confessed and the OW wont see him anymore its pretty well "ancient history" and not something he is going to spend anytime dwelling on - the other day he told me he had gotten over it and couldnt see why I hadnt.

Its been three weeks since I found out and before that he would start fights everyday, claimed it was "stress" but never was able to say what this "stress" was, now I know - it was the guilt, the lying, the fear of discover --

I am SO angry that there are times, many many times when I would like to see him dismembered and bleeding - I cant seem to get past the anger. I have never had the chance to grieve the loss of my mother and uncle and went straight from the funeral to the lawyers to find out there was no estate even though I was the soul heir, my brother and sister never visited my mother for years - then was immediately caught up in selling my house, financial matters - and the fighting and problems with my partner --

It is all history I guess - the deaths happened months ago, so did the cheating, but I only found out about the cheating 3 weeks ago - HOW does one get past the anger? Its the only feeling I have left for my brother, sister and partner - and I dont like being angry all the time.

I am still grieving the loss of my mother and uncle and go back and forth between being So angry and feeling so alone in the world -- there is no one left to talk to, no one to offer a shoulder to cry on - sometimes I feel as if I am broken into pieces and cant go on -- I cant sleep, cant eat, I have lost so much weight that I am down four sizes and thats starting to worry me, but everytime I do eat I become sick - I feel so betrayed and so alone...

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I said the deaths were months ago, but it was June and October of last year - its been four months, but I feel as if I have lived through four years. I should also add I am living overseas and have no access to an english book store. I go days without hearing or speaking english, just stumbling along in Chinese with taxi drivers, clerks, etc. I have no support system here, no one to talk to.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I wish I had some advice for you on how to deal with anger because I have enough of my own I'd like to deal with and get rid of. It's to do with how family and friends have acted since my mother died--or rather, how they haven't acted, since they aren't really doing anything at all. No one is pestering me, or bothering me, which is good; but they aren't paying any good attention to me either. That may make me sound like a spoiled little kid but I don't mean it that way.

One thing that does make me angry is how people respond to anger. Like, I noticed there haven't been any replies to your posts. I don't like how people respond to anger by NOT responding.

It sounds to me like you've got good reason to be angry, and hurt, and you're asking for help, and no one's responded to your posts. Why do people ignore anger, yet overflow with sympathy and stories of their own when only sadness is expressed?

Anyway, I just want to say that I hear your anger and I feel my own. I don't know if that helps, but if you post here again, I'll read it.

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You are so right that anger is less socially acceptable.. It is a bigger challenge to deal with for people, I think. I have a heck of a time with my own anger. And it comes up like a volcano with alot less reason than the ones posted here. I am angry that my mother is sick. Angry that I cannot help, cannot stop thinking and feeling all these strong emotions that overpwer me and make me feel helpless. I don't think you can get past anger any more than you can get past grieving.. it is part of life, part of lovign people and part of loss.

I read these posts more than once... Anger scares people. It scares me when I feel it. I am never quite sure of what I will do when I feel it. I often turn it inward... and get depressed.

It does ease eventually.

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Ooops post went off somewhere, anger isnt pretty, it is one of the natural steps in the grieving process but people dont want to admit that, see that, acknowledge that and yes I am mad as hell - I blame my mothers medication for her starving herself to death, I am angry that the doctors wouldnt listen to me - I am angry at my brother and sister for stealing her money - at my STBX partner for being such a low life slime - I am mad as hell at all of them, at myself for being their victim mad.gif - and I am angry at losing my uncle and my mother because I wasnt ready and i didnt have time to visit with my uncle because I was too busy trying to feed my mother - and I am angry that people act uncomfortable that I AM angry - talked to an on line counselor and at least she felt I had a right to be angry and shouldnt feel bad that I was - crying might be more "acceptable" but I am through crying, well pretty much, I only cry sometimes now at night - I am angry that my STBX partner feels I have no right to be angry - still - I am angry at people saying "let it go, get over it". Thanks for posting you guys, like you say I figured no one here would respond - and thats NOT a good thing for a Grief Board when it IS one of the steps of grieving dry.gif

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Dear Kindred,

I want to add my voice to the others, in an effort to assure you that feelings of anger are just as acceptable here as are any other feelings in grief, and to let you know that the topic of anger comes up quite frequently in our forums. See, for example, the topic entitled "My Behavior / What is NORMAL?" that appears in this Behaviors in Bereavement Forum, (third topic from the top, topic starter kiakaha44, topic started Jan 20, 2004). If you click on the topic title, then scroll down to the post entered by JeanSheridan on January 24, 2005, you will find a series of posts on that very topic.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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Thank you, the anger just isnt going away. Here in China the western men are jerks - they have a saying "what happens in China stays in China". I know, personally, four of them who are screwing around on their wives - we ran into one today who's wife had enough and left him, he was with his Chinese GF and I just got SO angry! blink.gif I was mad for the rest of the day again, furious.

And everytime I think about my brother and sister I want to hurt them - somehow - I know this is all old news and its becoming boring for everyone who knows me - and they are right, I SHOULD be able to let go of the anger but it's stuck. There are no english speaking counselors here. I have decided to put some of this energy into teaching poor women english - I have also picked up a few writing assignments but I find I am just too tired to put out much energy - I know the anger is whats making me tired - I KNOW all the "right things" to do I just cant get it through my head --- or my heart -- as soon as I sit or have time to think the anger comes boiling up again.

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  • 2 weeks later...

One thing that I have found helps me with my anger is doing something that makes me happy. I didn't realize this until just now, when I read your posts, but I think it has been helping. I have been spending a lot of time working with horses. I have loved horses since childhood but have never been able to spend much time with them. Now I can, and I try to do so. For the time that I am with the horses, I am happy. The happiness may fade within minutes of my leaving the stables, and I may forget to call up the memories when I am away from the stables, but while I am at the stables, working with the horses, learning more about them, I realize I am happy, not only because I love what I am doing, but because I realize I am spending the time and money on myself, treating myself as someone who matters to me.

And as I read your posts just now, I realized that these moments of happiness have been helping me with my anger. I don't know if they're counter-balancing the angry times, or if there's some sort of chemical action going on with endorphins or whatever they're called, but something is having some effect. That doesn't mean I don't still get angry, or cry; it just means that sometimes I feel happy.

There are no counselors here, either; at least none who are any good; and the ones there are cost money. I don't have any sort of partner to talk with or to understand (or not understand) what I'm going through; I don't feel like playing music, or writing, or any of the other things I have normally done, as "therapy". I don't really care much about anything, not even myself, not even trying to sympathize with myself about being angry and hurt and bereaved.

But the momentary happiness that comes from being around the horses is helping.

And if any of these thoughts help you, then that helps me too.

I just hope that by writing about finding moments of happiness I have not worsened any of your anger or grief.

Because one thing that makes me angry, and that adds to my sadness, is when other people start to talk or write about a lessening of their anger and sorrow. It makes me feel like I am losing yet another person, and I can't afford to lose anyone else.

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