Gf's Mom Passes Away From Cancer, Breaks Up With Me

[rimmasum]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am so frustrated guys. Here's what happened...

she landed on Wednesday and I just texted her asking her to let me know if she safely landed and she did once she landed.

A couple days went by and she texted me asking me help with a phone problem she was having. In India, she connected her phone to a computer and somehow lost all her texts, including the ones with her mom. She asked if I could help and I said of of course. She asked if she could call me and I said yeah. So we were on the phone, and I asked her how she was doing and the typical normal questions and then we jumped into fixing her problem. I couldn't fix it so I told her I have to look into it further and I can let her know as soon as possible because I understand how important her moms texts are. A couple of hours later I texted her saying I may have found the answer and gave her instructions over text on how to fix it. She responds..."k i'll check it later thank u for researching...i'll let u know what happens". I said "no problem". Didn't hear from her.

The next day, I texted her in the afternoon telling her that I was going to one of her favorite restaurants and if I could pick up food for her...she goes..."hehe tempted but no thanks... i just stuffed myself" and then she wrote "thank u for thinking of me". I said "ur welcome, how is your day going?" she goes "good just left a baby shower"...i go "how was it?" she goes "very nice". And then I asked her "would you like to have lunch tomorrow?" i sent that text at 5:30pm...she responds 4 hours later "I'm sorry I won't be in NY " i respond, "thats alright"

and we havent spoken since...i'm so frustrated...this is so hard...she's good friends with whose baby shower it was but she makes no effort to even talk to me casually yet alone see me but she can go to a baby shower? why do I feel like i'm getting the short end of the stick when i'm the one who has always been there..it's so unfair....or am i over-reacting for no reason? I need some insight guys before i lose my mind

thank u

[kayc]

It's going to be frustrating for you for some time, try to hang in there. Remember, right now she needs you to be in a supportive "friend" role more than anything. The fact that she turned to you with her computer problem is a good sign, the lines of communication are open, but she's just choosing not to use them continuously. Respect her right to pull back for a while. Try not to fixate on her or your relationship quite so much, and try to fill your time with things you need to do, things you enjoy, your other friends, etc. If it's meant to be, believe me, it will find it's way back and be better than ever. Sometimes you have to let go of your hold on something and give it the freedom to fly away before it will come back to you...but you cannot do it with that purpose in mind. Make her happiness of your utmost concern, even more than your being together. I know this is hard, but it is what is necessary. Good luck, I know it's hard to manage your feelings, but try to reign them in as much as possible for the time being.

[rimmasum]

Kayc, thank you for your kind words. They are so soothing. It just bothers me that she was able to go to a baby sbower. I dont want her to sit home and cry but i do want her to see me too. Am i being selfish and cruel? I keep thinking about your words kayc and it coming back if meant to be but its so hard for that to stick in my head. Im so pessimistic right now, maybe thats why?

[rimmasum]

************HUGE UPDATE*****************

I'm broken. She said she can't be friends with me. Before she left for india, she asked me to think about whether i can be just friends with her or not and when i did and agreed based on everyones great advice, she flips the script and says she cant...this might be a long read but please take the time to read it, i feel like punching a wall or getting hit by a bus...here is the text history that happened today:

Me: How is the move to NJ coming along? Did you find a suitable place?

Her: no, they're still searching for a home

Me: Oh ok, is there anyway I can help?

Her: Nah, they've got it covered...i'm floating with whatever (by they she means her brother and father)

Me: Ok good, would you like to talk this week? I'd still like to hear about your trip

Her: I can't talk to you or see you...it's so hard for me

Me: Did I do something wrong?

Her: We're not together anymore...remember I told u its extremely difficult for me to talk or have anything to do with my past

Me: But I thought you wanted me to be your friend. I care for you even as friends

Her: A part of you will always love me, I know that

Me: That doesn't mean I can't be friends with you. We've always been friends first and I spent the time you were gone thinking about what you asked me to think about regarding us remaining friends and I felt I wanted to do that

Her: Why?

Me: Because I care for you. Before you left u told u wanted to be friends with me as well

Her: I dont know if I can

Me: I think its worth a shot. I know I can be a good friend to u. I want to help you during your time of need. It will be strictly on a friend level. I care a great deal for you.

Her: My time of need is eternal...I lost a big part of me recently...if i need help, i'll come to you

Me: Its because of your loss and my caring feelings for you that I want to genuinely be a part of your life to help you through it regardless of the timeframe involved. I can be a really good friend, im really good at listening and helping. I can get professional references if you'd like (joke)

Her: get prof references as in the 411 of a psych dr.?

Me: No I meant get professional references recommending me as a good friend, just as a joke

Her: ok well when I interview for the position, i'll let you know

Me: Alright, please dont shut me out, give me a chance to be your outlet. I won't pressure you but please know that Im always thinking about you as far as your well being (emotionally, physically) such as if you ate, if ur safe, if u need anything etc. Little things like that are always on my mind. Call it love, call it care, call it a friend. I guess it doesn't have a title but it's there. Should you turn to me, i will always lend an ear or offer my help in the way u desire from the goodness of my heart

NO RESPONSE FROM HER

I need your help...what do I do??? Now she doesnt want to even be friends with me........I feel like destroying myself im in so much pain right now

Guys, please provide me your insight.. PLEASE

im so sad

[niamh]

hi rimmasum,

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling from this. It's a tough one and none of us can really say why exactly she says and does these things. I do still talk with my friends. Did you know her Mom well, would you have been close to her ? If so, then that can be extremely difficult...I have not really spoken to some cousins who are like siblings over the last few months ....sometimes I think it's maybe because they were so close to my Dad, I honestly don't really know. Another part of me finds it difficult to talk them about the real hard emotional stuff ....I don't find them the easiest when it comes to conversations like that, and because it's the big pink elephant in the room I can't just avoid it and chat generally so for now there just is no chats much as they want to be there for me.

I can see what she means about the past being hard .....I can't look back, I hear a song that reminds me of something as simple as a night out with friends last summer and I have to turn it off. I can think of anything from the past for now because it is too painful. (especially stuff with my Dad). It's a painful reminder of not only the loss of my Dad but the loss of myself......part of me (most in fact!) disappeared that day, it's changed me forever, I am not the happy person I used to be so I feel I am also grieving all those losses.....all those parts of myself forever changed, gone etc.

What she said may not be forever, but for now it is obviously too hard for her. I'd hate to put words in her mouth but perhaps the happiness with you is like a knife through her heart for those happy times....a time when everything was fine in life, her Mom was still here.

All I can say is stay in touch with her, if the conversations on the phone are short, don't read into it, if she ignores the calls, don't read into it, if she doesn't reply to text/email ..just don't read into it.....and I know that is very hard to do.

Know that for now her mind is fully focused on processing all this. And yes I know you mention she went out with friends and I know that hurts you ....but don't try to force her to talk to you, confide in you ....that's too much pressure. I can see by the conversation you want to try so hard but from her side I can see pressure pressure pressure.

Give her a few days, send a text/email ....nothing analysing what she's saying or doing but something as simple as thinking of you, sending hugs to you and leave it at that. She will respond in her own good time.

honestly that's as much as I can say, everyone says same thing, you need to give her her time right now as hard as that is for you .... you love her enough to let this be all about her right now and what she wants. I've read so many things on grief recommending no major decisions be made the first year (guess the mind is like a minefield for now!) so while this may take time .....it may not be the end for her as long as you allow her do what she wants w/o pressuring her.

Believe me she knows you care so be gentle and patient and remember no pressure,

Sorry for the pain you are in too !

niamh

[niamh]

hi rimmasum ,

Just wanted to check in with you and ask how things were going with your girlfriend. it's been a while since we heard from you,

niamh

[kayc]

Yes, we are wondering how you are doing. I am so sorry, I missed seeing your last two posts and didn't realize this latest turn. I hope you are doing okay, I know it hurts but little by little, it should get less painful. Please give us an update...

[SHeiss]

Rim,

I was thinking about you the other day and meant to send you a little note to see how things are with your gf. Any improvement? I know it is hard for you,but it is probably just as hard for her. You are in my thoughts.

Sharla