Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Gf's Mom Passes Away From Cancer, Breaks Up With Me


Recommended Posts

but im just so nervous...i want to do everything right

Well hon...the best & maybe harder answer to hear is.. Love is messy and .. We are human ... we make mistakes. So I wouldn't worry too much. You sound like there is a whole lot "riding" on this.

The way I look at it is:

If you are supposed to be with her.. you will end up with her. If not.. whatever is supposed to happen.. will.

Right now...I would look for nothing in return from her and give only what you want to give out of the goodness within you. Truly expecting nothing in return. The motivation for helping her should be only that... "to help her' as a friend. And I know this is hard but truly.. that is the only thing that should be driving your actions at this point.

I know you miss her but you too must grieve the relationship you used to have... because it is clear that relationship has changed and may remain changed for always. I'm sorry hon because I know this hurts but your future with her may not be what you once thought it would be. But sure you two can remain friends and that is what I would try to be for her right now.... and nothing else.

(((((Hugs)))) for you Rimm

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 57
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Hey guys,

My birthday is in 1.5 hours and i dont think she will call me. Shes been so distant and i havent spoken to her in 2 days so i sent her the following voicemail at around 4pm today:

"hey, i hope you are doing okay and your preparations for your trip are going well. what i called to say is that, i'm all about putting your wants and needs ahead of mine and would never put you in a position of feeling uncomfortable since you have so much on your plate. i want to first apologize for possibly doing anything wrong, whether it be anything i said or done. you have not accepted or come to me for any support and it could be reasons unrelated to me but i just want to make sure that it's not because of me. i want you to feel as comfortable as possible with me for support, in any form. the reason i say this is because your well being is extremely important to me and if u do feel uncomfortable with me i would either like to fix that so you can come to me, or if you prefer that i stay away, then i can accomodate to that as well with no hard feelings. i want to make sure u get what u want in terms of helping u through this. at least if i know, i can accomodate `accordingly so theres no grey area and hopefully it will help u feel better. again, im sorry if i have done anything wrong, please know that my intentions are always good. take care."

its been 6.5 hours and she hasnt responded in any way. I'm blue.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Happy Birthday Hon... (((((((Hugs))))))) It's the start of a brand new year in your life! All new possibilities and opportunities are ahead!

The message you left her was clear enough and communicated, I think, what you wanted to. Now.. the ball is in her court so to be speak. If she needs or wants help from you... she will let you know. And if she doesn't.... you will know that too.

Like I said... love is messy and it hurts sometimes, deeply. But it also is something beautiful and wonderous. And I am pretty sure.. you will experience it again with someone else if you do not experience it again with this girl.

So it's a new season and a new year in your life....I hope they both are filled with blessings for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much Leann for the birthday wishes

I got an update...she called me at 11:40pm last night...regarding the above voicemail i sent...i didn't see this coming but...

she's mad at me. back around january of 2009 i broke up with her. i broke up with her because i didnt have faith in the relationship. she was devastated and she chased me and in the beginning i would be so rude and disrespectful to her. she remembered all the bad things i did in that extremely small time period. she said shes been distant and its hard to talk to me because she has feelings for me. i told her that i dont consider us as broken up. i asked her, do u want me to stay away and give u ur space or still be around? she said i should do what i think is best...i told her that its not up to me, i want to accommodate to her. she never said anything. i knew she loves me and i know i made a few mistakes but ever since then ive been so good to her. shes mad that i didnt take back what i said about not having faith in the relationship...yeah i may have never specifically taken it back but i've showed and proven to her how much i believe in our relationship. ive talked to her about moving in and getting married. why is she holding on to something so negative? shes so mad that she had to chase me and i used to shoot her down. i made a mistake, a mistake that ive made up for ever since. is she like this because of the grief? what should i do? i know she doesnt want me to go away or else she would have said so when i asked. does she want me to prove to her again that i love her?

thanks again guys

Link to comment
Share on other sites

what should i do? i know she doesnt want me to go away or else she would have said so when i asked. does she want me to prove to her again that i love her?

I think you need to discuss this with her. Good communication is the foundation for any good relationship. So I would communicate with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the best thing you can do for her right now is give her the gift of patience and understanding and unconditional love (if you can). Try not to expect anything or put any pressure on her. Give her time. And realize that you, too, are grieving, and are going through a lot. The suggestion to read on this site is a good one...the more you read, the more you'll realize that both of you are going through a very painful confusing time and all of your feelings are normal. I wish I could give you a hug. Hang on to your faith that the future will be better than it is right now but it may take some time and it may be painful before you get there...but it does cycle around.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You guys are so best, all of you...I am so happy to have found this site...you guys really provide insight that i did not see on my own

okay, so i will take your advice and try to give her some space and not put too much pressure

that leaves the question, what do i talk to her about? im not going to talk about her feelings, her mom, or anything like that....i cant talk about "us". What are some of the topics i can touch upon?

Staying in the present might be a good idea. When she brings up your previous treatment of her, tell her you realized your mistake and have tried to make it up to her ever since. Ask her if there is anything in particular she would like to see you do different NOW...try to keep it to the present. Sometimes if we dwell on the past we can't heal from it. It is always a good idea to show interest in her, to ask her about her day or the things that you know interest her...school, work, a pet, etc. Right now she might not be feeling any interest in anything so that can be a tough one. If she wants to talk about her mom or her feelings about her loss, listen, care, and don't try to lessen her pain...in so doing it can sometimes seem like the other person is invalidating your loss or insincere about caring about your pain. Acknowledging pain is important. Also allow her the uniqueness of her own situation and don't tell her you understand how she's feeling...you can relate to some of it through your own experiences, but no one can understand her loss of her mother quite the same way as she can. You can be of tangible help to her by doing little things for her...does her oil need changed, her lawn need mowed? Can you fix her dinner (and do the dishes)? Can you bring her groceries or run an errand for her? I remember when I lost my husband how hard all of these little tasks seemed at the time. Sometimes just having someone sit there with you means so much, even when nothing is said, just their caring enough to be there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry for your gfs loss and the pain you also feel now.I lost my beloved Dad just before Christmas.altho i don't have a bf I'll tell you what I need and want from people,friends and family.

1.don't try to fix me

2.don't try to change what i feel

3.don't try to change how I think

4.let me talk openly about the pain,immense loneliness,fear,emptiness without trying to change it

5.let me be if I don't want to talk

6.sometime i find emails/texts easier than calls

7.just let me know you're there for me,will never get sick of how I feel,what I say because I can't help how i feel right now

8. Be the one to contact me,i am personally finding it hard to make first call to anyone now

9.don't make suggestions on how i deal with this,know that you can never ever begin to understand.the relationship lost is unique,only one in the world.

10.be aware that I know counselling,books,forums etc are options....we will seek these out when we can,When we want

11.don't offer any cliches such as the usual "they are in a better place","would want you to carry on be happy in life".none of that helps.

12.allow me to talk about any of it,my feelings etc even if you've heard it before.

13.know that when i don't ask about things in your life don't take it personally,right now my mind is fully taken up with wondering what really happened to my life

It's vicious,nothing can actually help.we are all trying to re-adjust to this new life without the person who gave us life and was with us from the moment it started.it's now a completely new life,we don't know how to live it,there is no manual.think of a baby born,taken out of the womb,the place it lived comfortably with full support,suddenly the baby is thrown into this world,lost without all the comforts of the womb so what happens,babies learn,they adapt and readjust to this new life.they don't do it fast,it takes years before they can walk,talk,dress,feed themselves and so on.that's how I see my life now,yes I can walk,talk etc but I just don't know how to live without my Dad.I have to learn all over again and it's a long road.like a baby needs support so do we,when baby sleeps we don't dare wake them,we let them sleep....same for me,when I need alone time I need it,it means I can't talk to anyone about anything at all. I am trying to process what has happened to my life.

Again this is my grief,it may be so so different to your gfs. I have found some friends here that feel like i do and there is a small comfort knowing I'm not alone.but it took me 2months of reading posts before I could write one.your gf will do things in her own time,without pressure hopefully.

I wish you all the best.maybe we will find your gf here someday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh wow, that was such a great insight...a lot if not most of the points you mentioned above is exactly how my gf is acting. its like i was making a check sound in my head as i read each number that you listed. i am so sorry for the loss of your dad. my deepest condolences to you and your family. it makes me so scared that i too one day will be going through this...

if u dont mind me asking you...how old was your father, and how old are you?

again i am sorry for your loss, and your post, along with everyone else's has been so insightful

i am give her space like she requested...she leaves for India tomorrow for 2 weeks. She will be doing the final ritual where she will be depositing her moms ashes in the river. i wonder how she will feel once she gets back...will the shock wear off? will she accept her mom is gone once she lets go of the ashes?

by the way, i started reading "How to Go On living when someone you love dies". I'm 150 pages in and it's a great read. Its really helping me understand what my gf and you all are going through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks rimmasum,I'm glad I can just give you some idea.like Marty said,if you read the Lost parent forum you will find lots of info.

Sure,my Dad was 65,still working 40hrs a week and just living life to the max. I am 35,an only child.he was my best best friend.went on 2 vacations on our own last year,kind of ironic.there was no part of my life he wasn't involved in.I also still live at home,luckily coz my mom could not do this without me and vice versa.

Will the shock wear off? Well it gets a little more real everyday. The numbness for me initially brought complete lack of emotion, I felt nothing ....it's indescribeable actually,I'd never felt if before. Even now i still go numb,it's a natural coping mehanism that I finally understand,it allows me to function,get up,have a shower,do the shopping etc. It's like I always know what's happened but emotionally can't comprehend it all the time.reality sets in slowly but surely and when it does it slams me completely,how can this be real,how can this be my life now. I lost my Dad suddenly,he was due home from hospital the day it happened. Losing someone to cancer is very different so I'm sure there are other feelings and emotions I don't understand that your gf has.

Check out http:\\surviveyourgrief.com. Susan fuller has a great book just listing and explaining the possible/likely emotions. It might give you a better insight.

Will she accept she's gone?acceptance is something I see so much written about with grief,stages etc.if you ask me there are no stages,it's a muddled heap of mush that can change in split seconds.I don't truly understand "acceptance". We know our loving parent is gone,of course we do,we don't see them,meet them anymore. Others that I've seen go through this can eventually laugh,smile,look back on happy memories and look back with love and happiness rather than pain and sorrow.but that can take years.I can't look at a photo,can't look back,don't like people talking like "he did ...", "he was..." the past tense feels all wrong. So it's a long road,you see people carry on go to work like me,I don't cry in there so while I look ok I am bursting inside with pain,sadness,confusion,longing...the list goes on. We will never be the same as before,the niamh I used to be is gone forever,that's tough to deal with,knowing your changed forever because of this.it will never go away fully,it will just seep inwards to every cell and maybe not be as visible to everyone else someday.and I guess that's something you yourself have to deal with,that she is changed forever now.

Feel free to ask qs overtime as you see things with your gf.reading posts on parent forum will give you an idea.

Your gf is lucky to have you. Just be patient and gentle with her.she will appreciate it in time,again it doesn't help make it better but we appreciate the smallest touch from people when we can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you niamh and annette...your words really sooth me

she just departed for her trip to india...her flight was at 6:20pm...i wished her a safe flight and a safe trip...why do i have this really bad gut feeling that she will feel worse once she gets back?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

you know it's hard to know how she will feel. We "waked" my Dad at home for 2days and nights and it was somewhat comforting still having him in the house, all beit he couldn't chat to us but he was still there with us. I now visit my Dad regularly, altho I know he's not really in the ground but it's somewhere I can go and try to feel close to him. It MAY be very hard for her afer spreading the ashes.....I don't have the experience of that. For me I am glad I know where his physical body is coz I feel I have somewhere to go.

letting her be as she is is the best thing you can do for her ....my good friends all do that, none of them try to "cheer" me up, they are just there always for me regardless of my form.

let us know how you guys are doing when she gets back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Rim!

Has anything gotten better with your girlfriend? I see that this post was originated in March. I hope so. I actually want to thank you for your post as I am in the midst of losing my dad and my husband is trying to deal with me and all of my emotions. I am more of a bottled up person and I somewhat can relate to your girlfriend.

You have to realize that she has just gone through something very traumatic in her life and people grieve in their own ways. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I know you want to work things out with her because you love her but maybe she just needs a break from everything to figure things out. All you can do is allow her that space and try to be there for her when she needs you. I cannot really speak for her but I hope everything has worked out for you both now.

Thanks to your post I am going to try to open up a little to my husband as I have just been keeping the face that my dad is dying and my emotions about it to myself and to this forum as of late. Thank you again!

-Sharla

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sharla,

It's so hard. Nothing has changed on my front. She still has one more week abroad. I sent her a text this afternoon (11:30pm her time) as follows: "Hey, very concerned about you...could you send me a text letting me know you're okay?"

No response yet. I don't know if she keeps her phone off or maybe she fell asleep by then. I am worried about her. This is the first time I'm contacting her since she left a week ago.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so frustrated. Sharla, I understand your position, my gf has pushed the world away and at the same time doesn't think we can be together. From what I read on these forums and the book on grievance, talking is beneficial and one should consider using support. Do you know why you're pushing your husband away?

I am just counting down the days until she comes back, she lands on Thursday. I pray to God she's feeling better (relatively speaking of course) and lets me comfort her....wishful thinking :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rim,

I am so sorry it is still the way it was if not worse than before.

As far as it goes for me... I know I am a very private person and I don't like to cry much less in front of other people. I don't want sympathy and I don't want prayers. I just want to deal with it in my own way by myself. I found this website because I was feeling compelled to talk about it and it does feel better and at least on here you cant see me cry or see the hurt on my face. I don't get judged here because I am grieving the way I grieve. As far as my husband goes, I don't want him to hurt because I hurt. He cries if he sees me cry I just cant handle all of everyone's emotions. I am the strong one in my family and life. People come to me with their hardships to cry and yell about. We all now share that same hardship and struggle and I am still here to be the comforter so I just bottle up and cry to myself in the shower or in my car at night time where no one can ask me if I am alright.

Since reading your post for the first time I have started to talk to my husband a little more about it. Just small things and hopefully I can force my way up to the bigger things. I still don't cry though.

I do hope that your girlfriend stops pushing you away. Just let her know that you are there for her. I cant speak for her or anything so I cant tell you how to let her know. Maybe you should try to be "just her friend" until you get a feel for her feelings? I dont know. I hope it all works for you both.

You are in my thoughts!

-Sharla

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rim

Thinking of you and hoping you're holding up as well as your GF. This is a hard time but that's what relationships are about...going through and surviving the tough times as well as the good. Put her best at the forefront and all will fall into place. Keep us posted!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am soooooooooo nervous and scared like i mentioned before. It's about 9am where she is, and her flight is at midnight. She lands on Thursday 11am NYC time. She'll probably be jet lagged for a day or two. I don't know what to expect. I have this bad gut feeling that she will push away even more. I want her to accept me, to accept my help, my care, my love. (sighs) I can't lose her guys. She is the person I want and need to spend the rest of my life with.

I'll definitely keep you all updated and thank you so much once again for all the ongoing help...please pray for her well being and pray that she accepts me again...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rimmasum, it may be very hard for her after spreading her ashes. anyways if she doesn't want contact with you, let her be and be gentle with her.

I am definitely finding lately I am not contacting people, I wait for them to contact me, sometimes I still ignore it for a bit. But I am hurt by those I can't seem to talk to at the mo (some close family) that they are now completely distancing themselves from me....maybe they think it's what I want and yeah I find it hard to speak to them in person or on the phone. But I kinda just wish maybe if they would send a text or email just to say something like "thinking of you", nothing more, don't ask how I am coz frankly I'm still absolutely CRAP but just so I know they are thinking of me and they are there for me (altho now I wonder, it's getting longer since we spoke, maybe they are washing their hands of me, I've enuf to deal with so not caring too much right now!)

But believe me those short little texts or emails that I get from people mean a lot. Just had a guy in work reply to my work related email but he started it with saying he was so sorry for what happened and was too shy to come to me, didn't know what to say etc but wanted to say something. That alone, that email was just a really nice gesture that I appreciate so much.

confusing ....OH YEAH, want contact, want to be left alone ;)

let us know how things go with her and know that us grievers are here always so we can try to give you some continued insight....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Niamh, see thats the thing I don't understand

when people are grieving, they don't want to approach anyone, or talk to them on the phone, or see them in person...yet they want the other person to make the first move...what difference does it make? (not to sound rude or anything) i mean, if you need someone to talk to, there's no harm or shame in going to someone especially if that someone is a family member, best friend, or a significant other. I try to put myself in my gf's position and I feel I would reach out to the people I love...but i've been reading posts where the griever won't go to someone, yet they get upset if the person doesn't come to them. I don't understand the reasoning or the thought process with that. I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything, so i apologize in advance if i am coming off that way.

can you guys shed light on that? it also makes the person on the other side think twice as to what to do...should i approach? not approach?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It just goes to show that it's hard for the family/friends of someone who lost someone as well as the person themself. I know it sounds confusing but you have to think outside of logic and understand with the heart...most of what we go through doesn't make sense to other people, it just is. We can't figure anything out at the time, but we live it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

People react differently to grief. I have never shut people down, nor withdrawn from everyone around me, but after my Dad passed, I just felt I needed to be alone with my grief. Then when I would talk about my grief with people, they were uncomfortable, so I could see who I could share my thoughts with. It is almost 6 months since Dad left and I am nowhere near doing small talk with my friends. I have gone out to dinner a couple of times with them but I pretty much let them talk about their lives.

I have changed, and well I guess it takes time for everything to sink in. My recommendation is be gentle with your gf, if she wants to talk to you she will, you already told her you'd be there for her and that is sufficient. A grieving person cant just go back to being the same way he/she was before. It doesn't work that way, but that doesn't mean relationships die, they just change, evolve. So keeping this in mind, what your gf needs the most right now is know that you are there for her whenever she wants to, whether is to listen to her cry on the phone, or have a cup of coffee, or to respect her silence. Patience, patience, patience....and well, if in the end your relationship does change and you guys dont get back together, be sure that she can say she is lucky to know someone like you, who was there for her regardless of how she felt or what she did.

She needs to experience her grief and pain with her family, and sometimes that requires a good amount of alone time.

That's my 2 cents.

-L

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi rimmasum,

no offence taken ....wow that is one of the hardest questions to explain because the truth is there is no logic to some of the feelings and thinkings and only when you've lost can you truly grasp some of the "off" things we feel and do(I don't mean that in a bad way...I will try to explain).

It's like your real logical thought process goes off the mark to be honest, yeah it's easy to pick up the phone and call a best friend or family and it doesn't matter as you say who makes the move but that's really not what it's about.When you're stuck in this acute grief I find sometimes it's like I can't actually make the decision to do it, to pick up that phone because in my head I can honestly say there are times when I actually don't know whether I want to talk or don't want to....and I genuinely just can't make that decision myself....hence if someone calls I may answer the phone/reply to text etc. It's that decision making process that gets all muddled up on top of everything else so yep I see from your side it's like "why can't you just call someone you know will listen, wants to listen" from my side "i don't know what I want, I cannot make that decision right now, and nor can i give you a reason as to why I can't make it". Believe me it's frustrating because you remember the old person before this all happened and picking up the phone was just "normal" everyday thing.

Again that probably sounds so mad or odd to you (any even maybe others,I'm explaing my experience). There is just is no real logical reasoning behind it, I can't say it's becaue A,B,C and that's just why grief can be so overhwelming and confusing at times. I always thought grief was people get sad, depressed, angry and all that generic stuff you here but until it hit me this raw I suddenly realised this affects so much more than just emotions and feelings. It truly knocks it all out of you, rocks you to the core, blows your self confidence clean out (for me anyways) and suddenly simple basic "normal" human functions can become so difficult to actually deal with. That is probably one of the most frustrating things about it, sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind but in reality I'm not.

Let me give you some examples, as I type this I'm a little numb and even thinking of these things brings a partial smile to my face ....

When I go into a car park I cannot part my car properly, I need a space with no cards anywhere near where I'm trying to get to. I'm driving over 10yrs, but I can't explain this, oh I've screamed and cursed in the car thinking "geeeeez, I can't even park the F.car".....there's just no logic to it, yet I can pull into a tiny space anywhere on the street no problem. (Ok I sound nuts myself, but I'll keep going ;) )

Another thing I've found most bizzare (and it's not all the time, it comes and goes) is just making the decision on what to wear, I've pulled out clothes, put them back, pulled out more and literally stood loking at my wardrobe again frustrated. I don't look at the clothes and decide "ok can't wear that it's tool cold", again there's no reason, it's just what my mind does. I will eventually just grab something and get dressed !!

Another one of these is deciding what to eat, wow it can be a big deal, I've walked around the supermarket looking picking things up, putting them back just not being able to decide.

Again, this is me and my experience, others may not have had this. However I have spoken to some friends who have lost, lost suddenly and another who had post traumatic stress aswell and these things they've identified with and believe me it was a relief to me......ok I'm not actually losing my mind, I am not going crazy.

Maybe it's the mind being so subconciously pre-occupied with grief, trying to process what's happened that suddenly these simple day to day things become difficult to do and so yep making contact with someone is suddenly very hard to do as are so many other small simple things. I guess it's why there is no real proper manual on grief because some of the things we experience are so hard to actually explain and give real logical understanding to because that's exactly it, there are times when there is absolutely no logic or reason at all for certain things and behavours and that's so difficult for you to understand. I see where you're coming from, I would have thought exactly the same way before this thing hit me.

Know that those things are changing for me ....now I can do it a tiny bit more than I could in january, but it's at snail's pace, so so so slow.

So this is what my friends do and they are angels for it to be honest:

they call me, if I don't answer they leave a nice message. they are not offended if I don't contact them for days and there are times when I don't

the text/email, letting me know they are there, letting me know I don't have to pretend I'm fine. again they don't get offended if i don't respond for a bit.

As I said it's changing over time, I called a friend the other night, it was a big deal to me to be able do that (again simply no logic :) ).

so I hope I've given you some tiny insight into why these simple basic things have suddenly become big hurdles.

I really do hope everything you read here when people reply to you will just somehow enable you with all of this with your poor g/f. You are a great guy to take such time believe me.

ttfn, niamh

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Niamh, Kayc, Daughter 2010, you guys have shed some bright light on a rather confusing situation for me.

I see what you guys are saying, and Niamh, the examples you provided put a lot into perspective. I feel like your subconscious starts to play a big role in how you act. Meaning, she may subconsciously be doing things (or not doing) and she's not even aware of it. Possibly a sense of feeling lost consciously? Since she's lost and confused consciously, she lets her sub-conscious dictate what she's doing unbeknown to her. Does that make sense? I think it goes in line with what Niamh was saying...

She landed today, and hour before she landed, i sent her a text asking if she can text me letting me know she landed safely. She texted me as soon as she landed telling me she landed safely. I sent her a text shortly after saying "welcome back" and she responded "thanks!". Haven't spoken to her since. I feel she's probably extremely tired and all over the place right now...as well jetlagged...

i have a feeling her true grieving begins now...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just remember, feelings don't have to be logical or make sense, they just "are"...they are there for us to contend with. It's good not to attribute more to them than they should have, but neither can we totally ignore them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...