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5 Weeks Of Total Devastation

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My wonderful husband of 35 years has been in heaven 5 weeks. It has been the losgest 5 weeks of my life. I keep begging God to bring him back, but I guess that would be selfish. I just hurt so bad. I cry before I go to work, I cry at work, I come home, oh yes I cry and then I go to bed and cry somemore. It seems everything has broken down. He could not fix it himself but he could talk me through it. Now I just look at whatever it is and cry. Guess what I'm crying now. He was hurt 21 years ago at work, so he has been home since 1988. When I came home from work he was always there. In 1999 he had open heart surgery. Last summer I took him to ER for a backache they did a CT scan, wouldn't you know cancer. Not just anykind one of the worse, bile duct, about a 2% survival rate. Jan. 27th he started throwing up brown blood, I was helping him get dressed when I saw a bruise about 12 inch square on his side. Three days in ICU, then 20 days in the hospital. The doctor gave him 6 months, 2 days later 3 months, next a few days, and then 30 minutes. We were never told until the middle of Feb. that it was stage 4 when it was found. Feb. 17th at 4:27 p.m. my sweetheart left me and went to heaven.

I hurt so bad, I'm ready to join him, I can't because of my grown children. I feel so alone, I do not have a family support system. My daughter is the only one that calls. I found out that his sister has cancer, I know it's wrong but why is she getting better, and he died. It's not right. His distant family blames me for them not knowing, but we have lived in the same place for 19 years, and he was home all the time. No one called or stopped by to see him. Please pray for me, I do but sometime I wander if he is listening.

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Dear TerryY: My thoughts are with you and as I do for every "first timer" who writes here, I cried for you. I know the pain and I wish I could take yours away. I remember about 4 weeks after my Dale died, I was wandering down the street crying and screaming "I'm never, ever going to see him again."

I'm not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person and I hold you tight in my heart, ok. Your higher power ;God; is going to help you through this, even if it now feels like your prayers are for naught. If you can, I highly recommend finding a good counselor. As someone else also said, maybe you can find some comfort and support with your daughter. I wish that for you both.

I know what it feels like to want someone back so badly, and to experience the brutal pain of knowing that can never happen. All the people here know that pain. You will find kindness here like nowhere else and you will find support. Keep posting.


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When I lost my last surviving parent, my Mom, the grief was crushing. I can only think the loss of a spouse is more difficult and more painful, judging by your post and the posts here of so many others. It's been 4 months for me since my loss, and I still cry every day. Fortunately I have a a few lines of support, 2 brothers, one aunt, and two friends. Contact with family and friends has been so restorative, it kind of uprighted what felt like a downward spiral of grief. I was slow in getting professional help, but I finally started seeing a psychologist, and that has helped me control some of my desperate thinking. Airing my feelings and thoughts in these forums has been a very healthy outlet as well.

I hope you are able to track down your best resources for support, whether it's through family, friends, mental health professionals, or these forums. Just talking or writing about grief seems to start the healing process. You indicate that you are currently working. Do you have the option of taking time off? Many employers make some kind of provision for when an employee loses a family member, usually giving something like 6 weeks time off. Taking care of your health is also important; eating well, getting sound sleep, and getting some kind of physical exercise seems to help us recover from grief.

I realize, in a very direct way, that I am my Mom's legacy, just as you are the legacy of your husband. It somehow gives me strength to know that I am carrying on after my Mom, and that she is in me in feeling, values, biology, and in many other ways. When I am in trouble I actually ask my Mom for guidance, and the weird thing is I get answers. I just know what she would think or say. Likewise with your husband, he is still a strength within you. You can think of what he would do in a situation, as a way of getting advice and keeping contact with him. You can pass along his goodness and his character to others, because he is within you. Your husband is and can still be your guiding light.

Prayers and hope for you,

Ron B.

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LDear TerryY. I am so sorry about your loss and pain. I know right now this might not make you feel better, but believe me in time this pain will go away. When my Alex passed away just about 2 years ago, I also just wanted to die. I used to cry all the time. When someone would talk to me I would burst in tears in between conversations. I still cry at times, but not to the extent it was in the beginning. You have come to to the right place. We are all here for you and we care. You will never stop missing your husband, but you will move on and you will find some kind of normal life. Make sure you take care of yourself. Love and God Bless, Jeanne

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Terry, I am sorry for your loss. I am having trouble with my computer so I have to make this short. Everything you are feeling is normal. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Someone is always here to listen. Take care, Kat

Edited by Kat2005
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I hope you don't mind, but I am going to reiterate some of what I had written in a former post. So many of us have and still are going through the things you are describing. In fact, I just finished a particularly emotional sob session.

This is a roller coaster of emotions we are all riding, and it is tough going. But you will learn to live in your new reality. And I hope you and your daughter are able to help each other and support each other through these days.

Please try to take care of yourself by eating, though it may be the last thing you feel like doing. And just take it one moment at a time.

We are all here for you.



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Hi Terry,

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on February 13 of this year. So, we are at about the same point in our journey and I really can't tell you anything you don't know. I just want to say that I am thinking of you and I wish you didn't have to find this place. I don't come here every day, but I try to check in and read the posts every week or so. It is very helpful.

I am lost and confused just as you are. My husband lost a 3 year battle with cancer that was also Stage 4 before it was discovered. When it was found, he had more cancer tissue in his liver than he did liver tissue. I feel blessed to have had him for 3 more years. The last year I learned so much about him and grew to love him more than I ever imagined possible.

Everyone says what we are feeling is "normal." Of course, we both know there is no such thing as normal anymore.

Take care of yourself and best wishes to you


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I am so glad to here from you. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Wayne lived for eight months, after learning he had cancer.

My life was never normal, so I don't it ever can be normal again. It seems that every few days something else happens. Like this week, I was off work for Easter break, Monday I go for a doctor's appt. I went to our primary doctor, my daughter and I was sitting there, she look at me, then she asked how my husband was doing. My daughter said I just gazed at her, then my daughter told her. The hospital or hospice was suppose to call her but they didn't. I had called, and e-mailed her, she never received them.

Tuesday I decided to take some things that I don't use, and put them in the outside shed. The ground shook, I fell back onto my shoulder. I called my daughter to tell her she might need to come over to take me to the ER. While I was talking to her, my

dog started howling, at a fire truck, a couple minutes later he howled again, and again. I was in the bedroom on the computer, I heard some loud noises coming from outside, then the house shook. A chemical warehouse a block away blew up. The police evacuated a mile radius, I just got back today. No clothes, or medicine, I walked about a half mile then my sister-in-law picked me up.

Last night I lost my daughter's keys, thank God I found them. This how my weeks have been going one drama after another.

By the way, I had my shoulder checked out it was OK. Then the doctor said did you know you disc 5, 6, 7 are degenerating, and your spine has scholosis (??spelling). I just looked at him, and said what next.

I don't have a lot of time to think, though.

I pray for you, and you pray for me, and we will leave us in God's hands.


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