Competitive Grief

[judybeth]

I had a huge fight with a friend of 20 years. Everytime I talked about my sister's death (8-14-05), she would bring up the death of her Mom and Dad, 20 years ago, and her brother - 10 years ago. I was very, very close to my sister and it was like a part of me died. I went into a deep depression for 11 months and finally started an antidepressant, which pulled me out of the abyss. My friend was driving me crazy. She talks too much and everytime I mentioned my sister, she'd roll her eyes and then tell me something about her brother's death (they were not at all close, although I know she loved him). This went on for over a year. Finally, we had a fight about something else, and she changed her email address and phone number so I couldn't contact her. I thought that was really silly, but I wrote her a letter apologizing for my part in the fight and suggesting we meet for the sake of our 20 year friendship. I haven't heard from her. She's always been very proud of this "holding a grudge" mentality. I've heard that holding a grudge is like taking poison and hoping your enemy dies. So now I've lost my sister, who was my best friend, and my friend of 20 years, who I thought was a good friend. I'm ok, but really freaked out by my ex-friends competiveness about grief. Part of the fight was that I thought my grief was worse than hers. I kept telling her I didn't think it was worse, just different. I had a much different relationship with my sister than she did with her brother. And she didn't seem to be affected at all by his death at the time. She went on with her life as usual and only started to tell me about him after MY sister died. What do you think?

[spela]

Maybe your friend needed to talk about her brother and her parents, which, or some reason,she couldn't bring up herself but needed someone else to start talking about grief. Have you ever talked about her grief? I don't want to take her side - because I think she should have let you talk about it, she should have listened and shown you that she's really your friend and I personally think that her behaviour was selfish - but maybe she felt left behind. I hope you can sort things out and be able to talk. But if not, if things don't change or if she doesn't even answer you, then, I'm afraid, you will have to accept it. Things change and some people can't cope witha that. Try to forgive - for you own's sake - and let go. Those who can't accept you, as you are, and can't understand how you feel are not important to you anymore and not worth of your sorrow. I wish you all the best

[Sandy]

I wonder if your friend did griev for her brother, but didn't think you could understand how she felt. She may have kept it from you. Now that you have lost a sibling, she can finally talk to some one who knows her pain. I wonder if she had any support after her brother's death. That's what makes these forums so great. You can talk to people who have been in your shoes and truly understand your grief. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be responding on this forum. I havn't lost a sbling. I read your post and it reminded me a little of my husband and myself. He lost his father at 15. I lost my dad last year, at 40. He said I was lucky to have had my dad for 40 years. I felt he was very insensative. He tried to be suportive, but I think he was a little jealous that I had my dad for so long and he didn't realy get to know his. He didn't have anyone to talk to when his dad passed away. His friends had never expieienced a loss like that. There was no internet, or support groups then. I think you should talk to your friend. This might be the first chance she has had to unload. Maybe that is why she didn't give you a chance to talk. Just a thought! I hope I didn't speak out of place. The forums I belong on have been pretty inactive, so I started reading some of the others. Pretty pathetic hu? I guess I should go and do something constructive.

Sandy