Lost My Whole Life

[closs86]

niamh,

that is how my husband and i were, very close, always together, i know how she feels, at least she had you at home, my children are married and not at home, My house is going to be so lonely and quiet, I just don't know, my world is shattered

[closs86]

Vickie O,

this is true why, he was so strong, i also am feeling unprotected, he was my life, i am scared

[closs86]

NATS,

I am going home tomorrow and he is there, I am so nervous about it, I know he is different in that his body is gone, but i want to hold him and be near him, I will always want him near me, I would like to know more about the charm you are talking about so that he will always be with me

[closs86]

thank you and I will pray for you

[kayc]

Closs,

Let us know how it goes with counseling. I had to start on antianxiety medicine but I researched it and found one that is safe and non-addictive, in a class all it's own, Buspar (Buspirone) and it helps me so much. I think I've probably always had GAD but just hadn't been diagnosed, but when confronted with loss, it seems more pronounced. It's not for everyone, but worth bringing up to your doctor if you feel you would benefit...it doesn't leave me feeling numb or unfeeling, just more like "normal" and without the anxiety attacks.

[Queeniemary]

Closs, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. All of us here understand the agony you are experiencing. I lost my husband of nearly 20 years suddenly of a massive coronary, on Jan. 13, 1020. He had not been sick, no warning, he was just gone. I celebrated our 20th anniversary on April 12 alone. I have wonderful support from friends and family, but it still seems like a nightmare. I am going through the motions of living, but do not feel like I am doing a very good job. We just have to take it a day at a time. People here understand. This is a good place to come.

Mary

[closs86]

Well I went to the doctor today, and he tried to reassure me that the pancreatic cancer could have made Johnny suffer for a much longer time than he did, I would not of been able to stand any more pain for him. He gave me some medication to sleep, which I have not been doing too well, sleep is my hiding place, my mind gets to not think. I am going to try to find a counselor tomorrow locally. I know that I need it. My doctor also wants me to go back to work, I don't know if i can yet. It is good to have someplace to vent.

[nats]

Closs,

Work is my salvation right now it's hard but gives me

time to rebuild some of me, and it was hard the first couple of

days as my wife and I met there and we used to work together,

I know there's days we feel we can not go on but I'm pretty sure

our loved ones would not want us suffering.

You come first now so do what you feel is right for you.

I have found attending greif support very helpful, in fact I have a meeting tonight.

Praying for all the greiving spouses....

NATS

[Kat2005]

nats,

I can totally identify with what you have said. My husband and I met and worked together our entire time together. As hard as it was returning to work it did help. I got alot of support from the people there. It made my life feel somewhat normal. If that could be possible. Everyday is a struggle but as time goes on it is getting alittle bit easier to cope.

Take care,

Kat

[closs86]

I spoke to my boss, maybe I will try to go back for a couple of hours next week, today was not a good day,so I don't know if i will be able to yet, I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am trying to get into some support groups, I think it will be good for me. My son and his family came over tonight to put some light around the house and it felt so strange, Johnny was missing, we had dinner and it just felt so bad to be without him at the table. I am feeling pretty bad tonight.

[kath]

Dear Closs,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I hope you are able to do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. 43 years is a lifetime of love. I had 27 with my husband and we, too did everything together. We rarely even spent a night apart. Please keep posting here, even on the really bad nights. Somehow, this group that understands so well, will pull you through. I remember sitting and worrying if my own heart would stop beating because of the physical pain and it scared me to think that my children would be left orphans. At that moment I totally understood why some elderly widows/widowers die so soon after their spouses. This loss is physical, it is emotional, financial, spiritual. It engulfs every part of us. But do take comfort in this group. The love and care among the members here is second to none. Eat what you can, rest when you can, drink tons of water, walk or exercise and don't think you have to do everything all at once.

Take good care,

Kath

[closs86]

Hi Kath

It is pretty late, It has been a disgusting rainy day here and I have been on the computer all day looking at pictures of Johnny and e mailing some to my kids and some friend, it has been a long day. When I liik at his pictures I feel like he is right next to me. it is so strange. I am trying to eat, sometimnes I forget, sleep only comes with Ambien, and if your heart can stop from the loss, I know mine will. I am trying to be strong, but afraid I will crash, I feel like it is sink or swim, and if I sink I will drown. I really can't wait to go to the bereavement group, I hope it make me make some sense of what happened, because I can't do it. Well I will try to get some sleep now, I feel like a robot, just going through the daily motions. Thanks for listening

Hugs Karen

[closs86]

Hi Everyone,

I went back to work today, very hard, but I stood the whole day, I am going to the group on Monday, so many firsts on my own, going on the train to the counseling, haven't been on the train in years, have a license, but Johnny always drove, haven't driven in years, but I know that I will have to, all of these things are scaring me, besides all the saddness, and how depressed I feel, such strange feelings. I miss him so much.

Karen

[nats]

Karen,

Great to here you went to work, it helps me to work, I hope you can also find some

comfort in doing so, I know what you mean by doing things on your own, I find myself saying well I did

this today for the first time since Ruth's been gone....I also am/was scared in facing all this new challanges without

my Ruth we discussed everything now I have to make the choices on my own it's rough indeed, I find if I take it head on the most

effective for me and as I conquer each new step It builds my confidence some...I went to a concert Thur. evening with a lady friend

who lost her husband 8 months ago, my first social event since Ruth left, I cried before I went because I felt guilty Ruth

was not comming and almost as I was betraying her, but we spoke about me going on with life a lot and as I reflected on those

memories and conversations I overcame my guilt and knew it was OK and had her blessing, I had a great time and for the first time since Ruth left found some companionship and some indications my life is going on...I think it's great your going to group, I go once a week and it's very helpful...so I'll end with a keep taking those small steps with all of us together and we will all make progress in our healing/rebuilding together and build on each others help, take care....

NATS

[Susie Q]

Just going back to things and having the courage to do the things that our partner always did for us, or with us, is so important to re-entering the world. It's not a world I asked for but I take some comfort from knowing that he would be proud of me for just trying.

So well done all of us.

It's a very hard road and progress is slow but on my good days I can see a little glimmer of hope that I can hold him so very close to me, but somehow go on.

[closs86]

Hi Susie

What you say makes sense to me, having the courage to do the things Johnny always did for me, that is what is starting to happen, I am having to do things for myself,

Johnny would be proud of me, I know he would,

Thanks Karen

[closs86]

Hi Nat

Thanks for the support, these small steps are scary, Everything I am doing we did together or Johnny did it for me, very hard, 100% life change for me, he took care of me. It is not going to be easy

Karen

[kayc]

I applaud all of you for your effort! I know it's hard...after George passed away, it was months before I could even go get groceries, my daughter had to do that for me...it was something George and I always did together, and since we're in the country and the grocery store is 50 miles away, we always made an event out of it.

As for the things he did...I could take over mowing the lawn and washing the car, but there's so many things he did that required his ability or strength...hence, some things get done, some things do not. I'm not in a position to hire people and it's hard finding people willing to help so some things have gone by the way. Yet we learn to live with it all. The hardest part are the things you can't hire done, like having him wrap me in his arms and make me feel cared about and protected. That is what I miss the most...my best friend.

[closs86]

Dear Kay

I have to keep busy or I will lose my mind, I can't stay idol, so I try to force myself to do things that I never did before, but always watched him do or did it with him, and try to do it. It is to bad that you are so far away from the grocery store, that is hard, I live on an avenue, and it is pretty busy with people and all kinds of stores. It is good because like I said I haven't driven in years, and I know that is my next challenge, I will have to. I am going to group counseling tomorrow night for the first time, hoping they can help me accept what has happened, as I don't think I have or can.

I also miss his hugs and kisses and his presence, it hurts so much

Take care

karen

[nats]

Karen,

I know so much how you feel regarding the hugs and kisses, and all the other things, smiles, hearing them laugh, seeing them sitiing next to us and many things I could go on for hours I miss and we all miss...I wish you well in group I find it very helpful, I encourage you share as soon as you feel comfortable as it really helps, I chose the first night and have found comfort in sharing...

sounds like your doing well, the little steps and at your pace is what I find works for me...take care and as always everyone here is in my prayers...

NATS

[kayc]

Karen,

Good luck in your driving ventures and going to group, I hope you get a lot of comfort, hope, solace there.

[closs86]

Hi Kayc

Well my son came over yesterday to help me, and drove me ti the place where the group was being held, This one was a dissapointment, There were 8 people in all, 3 of whom I know we would of connected if we would of continued, but the others were there more for a social group, and then there was one man who I know was sad and grieving, but hard to deal with, too loud, obnoxious, and trying to take everyone for coffee, that is not why I am seeking out help, The counselor was getting a little impatient with him also, so when it was over a few of the women said that they were not coming back, so now I will try another one in June, hopefully I will find what I need and am looking for.

Very emotional day today and yesterday, I am going to try to go to work tomorrow, all I can do is try

Take care

Karen

[kayc]

Karen,

I'm sorry you had a less than desirable experience. A good facilitator should keep everything on track and handle the offending persons. It would have been good if she'd drawn him back in by saying "The purpose of our group is to ____, not ___." She should have steered the conversation in a more purposeful discussion and perhaps had a "time for social" afterwards, and people could leave without staying if desired. Good luck to the one next month!

[closs86]

Dear Kayc

I hope your right, I know what I am looking for, a group of people that are where I am and just need to talk and try to comprehend what happened, I worked today and I am very tired now, the fish club came and took my husband's aquarium fish, I didn't want them to die, it was hard to give them up, he just loved them. Well I better go to bed, i am going to try to work again tomorrow.

Good night

karen