flo02 Posted March 29, 2005 Report Share Posted March 29, 2005 I am new to the board and this may have already been discussed here but I am having such a hard time dealing with having been my mother's primary caregiver while she died of cancer. We only had hospice in my mother's home with her the last week of her life. My guilt stems from the fact that maybe I used too much of the medications that they gave me to help her. Mom was never one to take pain medication but in the last couple of weeks I couldn't tell if she was in pain and trying to hide it so that we wouldn't worry or if she really didn't have any pain. Well the last week that she was here and I began applying the creams the hospice gave me to use to relieve sick stomach, anxiety, pain, basically an overall relaxation cream. She became more and more sedated through the use of this cream but I applied it just in the case she was in pain b/c I couldn't bare the thought. I always told the hospice nurse what I had done and they said that it sounded like I was doing a good job. However, the Saturday that my Mom passed away, that morning I had put a pain patch on her b/c she seems really squirmy and was moaning some here and there and I just felt like something wasn't right. At this time, she had been so sedated that she wasn't talking anymore in normal conversational ways and seemed to be in that in-between life and death state so I couldn't ask her if she was in any pain and know for certain. So I made the choice to put this patch on her to relieve her of any pain that she might be having. At 5:30 that afternoon my Mom left this world and went home to Jesus. I am glad that she is at rest now, but I can't help but feel like I euthanized my mother now. I have researched the pain patch and have read so many things that say if it is given in too high a capacity it can cause respiratory distress and all kinds of other things that can hasten death. What if I rushed her along? What if my choice was the wrong one? I live with this everyday. And to top it all off, the reason these feelings all resurfaced is b/c of the whole Terri Schaivo thing happening b/c they were afraid the hospice would give her morphine to help speed up the process of death. I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. No one else thinks that I caused my Mom to die b/c it was her time but I can't help but feel like I hurried it up now. My mother was my best friend and without her my life has been so empty. I think about her all the time and miss her so much is literally makes me sick sometimes. I know that with the type of cancer she had that she would've passed soon anyways but I just wonder if I made the wrong decisions on medication. I am willing to listen to anyone who can help me. Thanks for reading my story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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