Missing Ben

[Lucia Abeytia]

It has been 14 months since Ben left me and there has been alot of changes in my life..as I have posted before I am in Atlanta Ga. trying to get myself together and decide wheather I am going to make this a permanante move...I have gone home to Az once and I had a lot of problems now I am about to go back have some dr's appointments don't want to change dr's till I am sure this is going to be a permante move...They think I may have early stages of Alzimers (misspelled) haven't told my kids they are still trying to get used to losing there dad...I am scared to death and I miss Ben so much this week has been the worse I have cried constantly and I just can't control myself which makes me mad...Everyone keeps telling me to get myself together it has already been a year...they say I need to move on with my life, but how can I Ben was my life for 40 yrs I don't know what to do I have my kids but they have there life it's just me against the world now it use to be me and Ben and it will never be the same..I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much...I am so afraid that if I have Alzimres will I forget him all together...who will take care of me will they just put me in a home and forget about me....Sorry about the post I am just so sad thanks for listening

[kath]

Dear Lucia,

I worry about the same things. Do the doctors you're seeing now about Ben? We definitely go through a long period of forgetfullness/absent-mindedness after losing our spouse. Maybe some of this "early Alzheimers" is really grief. At least, that's what I'm hoping mine is from!

Kath

[Sharon3]

Lucia it has been exactly 14 months for me too, to the day as of yesterday and it was one of my worst days. I think realization is starting to set in that this is my life now and I don't like it. I miss my husband so much and I cry for him and I cry for me. I too forget things and I believe it is the grief that has such a hold on me. It was 40 years for us too so we have much in common and are at the same place at the same time. I too have a wonderful son who checks on me every day and cares deeply but he too has his life to live, a family and a stressful job so I know the feeling of being alone.I want to find my new path but don't know how. I have lost my faith but I am hopeful it comes back and I get shown the way. I too went through a lot of changes, I sold my house, moved in with my son for a few months and now I am in a new condo. so much has happened over the year and I know I am in the right place now, although the path was difficult to say the least. I hate that one year mark like everything is supposed to be okay ...as I said to someon..it does mark the worst day of my life but that it is it...nothing else has changed except other people's expectations of how I should be after one year.....I know I have made great strides and I am proud of what I have accomplished but I too am sad and I will think of you today and the bond we share. Take care

[Frank G]

Hi Lucia,I'll again quote the much agrieved Rose Kennedy.

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

I think you will find that while 'the mind' is doing this protecting it sometimes gets mixed up with what it's trying to help us forget.

You must always remember that in a close relationship you probably remembered for each other and that's another luxury we have lost.

Take care.

Frank G...

[Queeniemary]

Lucia, I think it is normal to forget things. My Michael has been gone 3 1/2 months, and he was the one with the good memory. Names he always helped me remember. I also think this is just a part of the grief process (which in my opinion will never be over). I think we do cover it over with scar tissue so to speak, and we do function, but we will always remember and feel the grief. I have never had a good memory, so yes, it is worse now. I just try to write down everything that it is real important to remember. People who have not been in our shoes, do not really understand, no matter how kind and comforting they try to be. A certain number of months or years does not mean you are "over" anything....what they don't understand is that we will never be "over" the loss. We may function, and we will go on with life, we don't really have a choice, but the loss will always be there. We can laugh, sometimes enjoy things, do things with friends and family, but the missing one is always in the mind and heart. Will be praying for you, please do pray for me also.

Queeniemary in Arkansas

[Lucia Abeytia]

Thanks everyone for your kind words...and yes drs are aware of my loss but they don't think that is the only reason for my forgetfullness...When I go home they will be running more test on me...I miss Ben so much and think of him all the time...I cry constantly but my daughters mother in law is such a wonderful person she has been planning different things for us every day just to keep me busy...I pray for all us that we can get better

[kayc]

"Everyone tells me..."

What, "everyone" as in those who haven't been through it? I can't imagine anyone who'd been through it telling you that. I'm afraid I'd have to retort something not so kind back to them, such as, "Tell you what, when you've been there, done that, you'll qualify as someone I'd care to seek advice from". Geez!

[Korina]

"Getting on with your life" - I hate that line. It makes it sound like we should forget. I prefer to think of it as 'living in my new reality'. I am glad you are getting out and doing some things with your daughter's mother-in-law - perhaps this will help you cope. I find it very comforting to be around friends (though there are lots of times when I want to be alone).

Take care,

Korina