Two Years

[tootie]

As I sit here tonight I can only think of where I was 2 years ago on this night.

I was sitting by the side of the most wonderful woman there ever was in my life. I was watching her fade away from me & there was nothing I could do about it except to hold her & tell her how much I love her & how I will never forget how much she loves me.

The pain I feel today, 2 years later, is like reliving the whole night all over again. It is like it is all happening as I type.

I just want to be alone yet I have 2 children who need me, & my friends call & I say that I do not feel like chatting right now, & they get angry with me.

I try to explain the way I feel & they try to tell me they understand, but I know they do not have any idea. I feel like such a bitch, yet I still feel I need this time to myself, as I do not feel I am good company right now.

What do I do?

I know this is not going to get better for a couple of weeks, as my moms birthday is in only 12 days too.

I am so lost, angry & confused I do not know what to do.

[flo02]

tootie,

Totally understandable....you need to be alone to reflect on what happened in your life 2 years ago. It was something that changed your life and you forever. I remember my experience and I know when the anniversary of my Mom's death comes around yet again this year (this will be year 3) that I will be in my own little world regardless of who is around. And the thing with saying you feel like a bitch, I've felt that way ever since I've lost my Mom. I think the experience hardens your heart somewhat and we try to guard our hearts and emotions with anger and hatefulness. It is so much easier just to be angry. Anyways, don't feel bad for needing your time and I can only send a lot of prayers up on your behalf because they are the only reason I am still here today. Take care of yourself.

--flo02

[tootie]

Thank you Flo, I think I have managed to appologize to everyone that matters, for being so nasty. The good thing is that eventhough they do not know how I feel, they love me enough to understand what I am saying & to forgive me.

I thank you for all of the things you have said, & for being here when I need to be reminded that I am not the only one who feels this way.

For some reason it makes me feel better to know that there are peeps put there who know exactly how I feel. Peeps who understand what I am going through.

Thank you.

Tootie

[onlychild]

Tootie,

I do know how you feel, it was 2 years ago this very moment I was rushing to the hospital to see what in the world was wrong with my dad. It was my mom who was sick, liver cancer, and on the verge of death. Now I am going to the hospital for my dad. Well, as you can read in my post titled "Approaching two years without them" it didn't turn out at all like I thought, hoped and prayed it would. My dad died two years ago in a couple of hours and my mom 35 hours later on her birthday. I, too feel like I am reliving it as I type. My only comfort is the Lord of my life. I will keep you in my prayers and if you would like to talk, please feel free to email me at gtol8tr@earthlink.net .

You'll make it through, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

[tattoodlb]

Hi all...it will be 2 years since my mom passed this August. I just don't know where the time went. I am sad, and still a bit angry that she is gone. She and I missed out on many things, and unlike you guys that have posted about having wonderful relationships with your mothers, I did not. My mother had issues and she liked to blame people for her problems, and I was one of those that she blamed. I tried to be a good daughter, staying away from drugs and out of trouble, always there for my mother when she needed anything, although it was not me she wanted to be with, but I was convenient for her to hang out with since I wanted to help her so much and wanted a true mother/daughter relationship. I have prayed, hoped, and wished for a good relationship with my mother for many years, and I was put off most of the time. She finally let me in the last 6 months she was alive, we went out shopping, to movies, to lunch, I helped her move and I thought that we were finally having that special relationship. Now, it is gone and I have to take what I had with her and treasure it because it is all I will ever have. I got to tell her that I loved her at least. Losing one's mother is hard, and harder when you wished for a relationship with her, now knowing that it is not going to happen. My sister never really liked my mother as a person and always chided me for wanting to hang out with her, and my reply was that, at least I know I am doing my best to be there for her and to have some type of relationship with her. I never suspected that my mom would be gone from me so soon, she died 10 months after my step father died. I still feel the grief as if it was a weight on my heart. Somehow I do not think that all the time in the world will make it any easier.