The Pain Is Overwhelming

[nwnightowl]

Last Sunday I lost my special jack russell, Harley to liver failure. He went from being active, eating and gaining weight to gone in 15 days. The vets never said anything the whole time I had him to prepare me and let me know how quickly he could go. I live alone with a group of other dogs and the pain is so overwhelming I can't function. I just walk around the house like a zombie, sobbing, one of the other dogs was his best friend and he is so sad at the loss of his friend. I lost my other fur baby almost 9 years ago and at this point I have no idea how I got through it. It just feels like there will never be another happy day, he was the one who bossed me around so the house is so quiet even with the others. He had several illnesses and had to get medicine several times a day plus I cooked home cooked meals for him, he was a huge part of the day and now it all seems so empty and I feel so alone. I fall apart on everyone, I cry in Target, the drug store, McDonald's it doesn't seem to matter where. I just wish I had some hope that someday it will be better. It's been a particularly hard past 15 months and I have no idea how to go on. I miss him so much, I just want to hold him again. Thanks for listening, Elizabeth

[Aquarius7]

Hi Elizabeth,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Harley. My deepest and sincerest condolences. I lost my Black Labrador Princess 3 years ago this August. I loved her and my Mom loved her and we still do. I too was in shock at how fast she went. We brought her to Gulf Coast Veterinary Services which is the best place in the country

to bring dogs with cancer. My Princess had bone cancer. She was fighting and fighting it but was not responding to the treatment she was getting there. Then I received a phone call that they had lost her. I was overwhelemed with shock, grief and guilt. It just didn't seem right. I cried and cried and still cry about her.

Not to "replace" her, but a little less than a year, we got another Black Labrador that we named Duchess. Not the same but many similar loving qualities that Black Labradors have. I decided that dogs need those of us who love and understand them. I think in some ways Princess sent us Duchess to help heal us and as if to say, "please take care of her the way you took care of me". It is exactly what we are doing with both of these dogs who were abandoned and to whom we gave our love.

I know you are sad about Harley and I am so sorry. Please know that he is in a better place. We are here for you and are all here for each other.

[jodo]

Hello Elizabeth, I am so sorry about Harley, and so sad for what you're going through. I lost my dog "Bongo" two years ago, he got very sick and the vet had to put him to sleep, he died in my arms, looking up at me I sobbed and sobbed for a long time, more than I had for some humans that I had lost. I think the hard part is some people don't understand how traumatic the loss of a pet is. I don't have children so my animals are my "kids" and the bond that I have with them is so strong. I'm glad you have your other dogs there to comfort you. I completely understand what you're going through, and wish you peace and send you a big hug! Jodi

[Elizabeth149]

Elizabeth,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been dealing with the loss of my two dogs last year and it's been so difficult and I've often felt like I just couldn't function anymore. I became ill after Chela died in March (she was 17). Then I had several other health issues hit me and then my other beautiful girl Casper got sick. She missed Chela so much, the vet and I both thought she was depressed. Then in Nov. I found a lump on her neck. Long story short, she went from being fine to in so much pain she couldn't move in about a 4 week period of time. I was devastated -- I'm still devastated. It's been 4 months since Casper died in my arms and every day the tears hit me and they hit hard. I often wonder if I'll ever feel happy again. I force myself forward simply because I know both my girls would want me to be happy. I don't think about how I'm going to make it through. I just take a deep breath and focus on making it through the next hour, or moment. I let the grief manifest itself when I'm able -- sometimes the sadness just hits me and I find myself crying - at work, at the store, in the car, you name it. Baby steps is about all you can do. Let your other dogs comfort you as you comfort them. There's nothing wrong with you -- you're grieving a great loss and it takes awhile - sometimes a long while -- for you to adjust to the life you have now -- without you're beloved Harley. There are people who aren't going to understand it, but there are people who do. Try and spend time with those people. Even if it's online. There are a few grief chats for pet loss - it helps to share with those who understand what you're going through. www.alln.org is one, www.aplb.org and petloss.com are two others. It really does help to share your grief with those who understand. They can be safe places to let it all out and cry with others who can grieve with you. It's hard but try and take extra good care of yourself -- force yourself to eat well and get out even when you don't want to. Taking your other dogs for walks might help -- exercise is important and getting out helps you move forward. Most of all, you really need to be nice to yourself. You're in a very vulnerable place so be kind to yourself as your heart tries to understand and heal.

Take care,

Elizabeth

[SHeiss]

Elizabeth,

Sorry to hear about Harley. He sounds like he was a great dog. I know as an animal lover myself that losing an animal is just as hard as losing a friend or loved one. I really am unsure what to say other than I am very sorry and I hope that one day soon your pain will subside. Much love and hugs!

-Sharla

[nwnightowl]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the very kind comments. Other Elizabeth I have a Casper too, he's the other one who slept with me every night with Harley. The hardest part is knowing that I will never hold him again, I so want to hold my baby in my arms. I live alone with my group of dogs and even my animal friends haven't offered much support. One told me yesterday that after 4 days I should have bounced back. Sometimes I have to get out of the house because it is just too much. I wish I had a spouse or significant other to just hold me in their arms while I fall apart. I tried going to a movie last night for distraction but that didn't work I ended up crying through a comedy. I feel so totally alone. To complicate things further I adopted Harley when his previous owner couldn't care for him anymore. We have kept in touch and her whole life is falling apart right now, I think her Dad is dying and I had to tell her that her dog died. And she and her mom and dad and friends were all sad and I feel like I have ruined all their lives. He was my special needs boy he had several challenges and I so wanted to fix him and make him better. Harley's best friend in the house was Dover, one of my other dogs. Dover is about 5 1/2 and basically for 5 1/2 years his tail never stopped wagging until Harley died, now he just has this sad stare on his face and he just sleeps on Harley's bed, it's heart breaking to watch.

The past 2 nights I have seen Harley in my dreams, and I wake up and there is a moment of peace and then as soon as I get up the waterworks start again. For some reason I do all right at night, but I cry through most of the day. I can barely function at this point. So far I have managed to keep the others fed and the house from burining down so I consider that somewhat of a success. To make matters even worse I have to go to my vet and buy food for some of the others today, I am currently looking for a new vet, mine was just horrible in the end. He has no compassion and in reality was just a mediocre vet, Harley was seeing specialists in the end, but my regular vet was just a jerk, not even did he say he was sorry, he wouldn't talk to me on the phone about him, just sent messages through the receptionist, I really feel that if you are going to have medicine as a career you should have at least an ounce of compassion. My old vet from when I lived on the east coast has been very supportive, talked with me, sent a very sweet email, but the guy out here is just a jerk. I don't know how to move forward, I just feel like I am going to be sitting here and crying for the rest of my days. It hurts so much I feel like my heart is literally broken in two. Thank you everyone for the support, I will look into the chat forums too. I am sorry for all of your losses and I hope we all have sunnier days ahead. Elizabeth

[MartyT]

Elizabeth, dear, your pain is palpable and I'm so sorry for your loss. In addition to all the wonderful support you'll find here, please do some reading (if you're able to concentrate at all) about what is normal in pet loss, so you won't feel so crazy and alone. Spend some time reading some of the other posts in this forum ~ and I hope you'll pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site, too, where you'll find all sorts of information and links to dozens of pet loss resources that stand ready to help you. See especially the Site Map page and scroll down to all the links listed under Pet Loss Links, most especially Articles about Pet Loss . . .

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Elizabeth -- I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. I live alone and my dogs were my only real family. Losing them has just been so overwhelming. My friends understand that they were family to me but they don't really get it completely. Since they have human family, they don't understand completely the loss. You aren't going crazy - even if you think you are. The depth of your sadness is very normal. The book "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" brought me some comfort. Other books have too -- it helps when others validate your feelings of profound loss. I'm so sorry your vet was so horrible. My regular vet was out of town when Casper crashed. She was visiting family out of state. I had so hoped to manage Casper's pain until she returned but when it was obvious I couldn't I took her to the person my vet had standing in for her. He was very uncompassionate as well. I feel so horrible about Casper's death not being peaceful. She was stressed to be at the vet and this guy insisted on taking her back to put a cathetor in her leg so they could administer the shot. Him taking her put her into a complete panic and I couldn't calm her back down after that. It seemed so wrong that she was so stressed and I couldn't comfort her. He was so cold about it all. My regular vet was wonderful when it came time for Chela to go. She was so compassionate and cried right along with me. So, I feel a lot of guilt for Casper's end, but I couldn't let her stay being in so much pain. I know I did the best for her but her end just haunts me. It was heartbreaking after Chela died - Casper was so depressed. The only time she'd perk up is if we took a walk to the park or went for a drive. So, I made sure we did one or both every day -- well, until I broke my leg. Then we both just sat outside in the sunshine. It's been a horrible road. I know you feel alone - I do too - but there are people who will listen and cry with you and that helps. The kindness of strangers is sometimes overwhelming as well. I found the most supportive people at ALLN.org - their chat is every Wed. night. I log on as often as I can. It's hard but at the same time, it helps to have someone to cry with. Finding your way through the grief will take awhile. I'm still struggling through it myself. My therapist says I've got complicated grief as several things happened at once and I haven't been able to catch my breath and find my standing again before something else knocked me over. the city I live in will only allow two animals so I only had the two. I am still devastated at having lost them both within 9 months of each other. You haven't ruined anyone's life. You took Harley in and gave him so much love and care. I hope you find comfort knowing he is no longer in pain and is completely at peace where he is -- I have to hold onto that belief or I can't stand it. I can't stand the idea of never seeing my girls again - so I hold onto the belief/faith that someday, they'll greet me when it's my time to leave this earth and they'll be right there to hold onto forever. My home was so empty I couldn't stand it so I fostered a mama dog and her 7 puppies. That helped take away some of the loneliness but not the sadness. i cried like a baby when they were all ready to be put up for adoption. But all 8 were adopted into great homes. Now I'm fostering another dog and her 3 puppies. They aren't mine and the bond isn't as strong as if they were but it comforts me helping them get a good start in life. It gives me something other than my grief to focus on and that helps. You're lucky that your nights are OK. I have horrible panic attacks since Chela died in March and they happen just as I'm falling asleep -- so I take anti-anxiety medication before bed. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to get any sleep. The days are long and feel endless and I cry a lot -- but luckily, I have an office at work that's kind of away from people so when the tears start, I can cry without embarrassment. To be honest, even if people saw me I wouldn't really care. These days it's hard for me to care about anything. 4 days to bounce back? That's just not possible. They mean well, but they don't understand. That's why I'm encouraging you to seek out those who do - so that you don't feel like something is wrong with you. Your grief and sadness are normal. The loss of Harley for you is the same as if someone lost their child. It takes a long time to work through that kind of profound sadness. The other dogs in your home will mourn as well. Dover not wagging his tail - he's lost his companion, and it will take some time for him to get used to the absence of his dear friend. Try to keep his schedule as normal as possible but give him extra hugs. Casper was the same way -- she looked at me with the saddest expression most of the time. They grieve as well, so give him time. Keeping the house from burning down and the others fed is a good thing. You'll get through it, just try and not let tomorrow scare you. Think about the now -- it helps me. When I think of all the years I'll most likely be here without my girls, I get so depressed I can hardly breathe. So, I just think about now and getting through the next little while. I do understand that feeling -- like you'll never smile again and your whole world is just wrong and surreal. You can get through it just accept you're not going to be feeling "normal" any time soon and that's OK. When you finally do find yourself smiling, you'll probably feel guilty for having let go of some of the sadness. It's OK to feel how you feel. Don't let anyone telling you differently hurt you. They just don't understand. Your heart is broken and it will take some time to put the pieces back together. I wonder sometimes how I'm supposed to put the pieces back together when my favorite parts are missing, but I know I have to move on through the pain. I know my life will never be the same, so I just have to put it back together as best as I can and learn how to survive with these unwanted changes. Just keep telling yourself it takes baby steps. You'll feel like you're going backwards sometimes and that's normal too. There are some good books out there that will help put into words what you're feeling but can't express. Crying is your heart expressing itself, so let the tears come. Sending you lots of hugs and praying you find comfort in knowing you did what was right for Harley - the ultimate gift - freedom from pain and illness and the gift of helping him die with dignity, surrounded by your love. Wherever he is, he knows you love him. Please know that love doesn't die and he'll always be in your heart--- Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Thank you everyone for the very kind words. Today has been a harder day for some reason. I keep thinking a week ago my Harley was still here and I could hold him in my arms. Elizabeth your email was beautiful. I was in a car accident last November and have residual pain from it so this stress has aggrevated everything. I know I am lucky to be able to sleep, but as soon as I wake up I just start crying. So I go to bed earlier and stay there as long as possible. I work from home which is good and bad. It allows me the luxury of grieving in private but it keeps me totally isolated. I had to go to the pharmacy yesterday and cancel one of Harley's prescriptions and I had to tell them he was no longer with us and I almost fell apart at the pharmacy counter. Then I had ordered another medicine online and I logged on to cancel the order and just the act of logging on to my account triggered them to ship it and they were so heartless I asked them to cancel it I said the dog passed away and they didn't care they said well we can't take it back, it's not a money issue, it's just that now Harley's medicine is going to be showing up on the doorstep. I don't know what to do with his other meds, there are reminders everywhere. I am trying to take it a moment at a time, but it hasn't even been a week and I feel that I am going insane. I have no idea how to do years of this. One really sad part is that in the Pacific NW summer is the great weather time, so I had been working really hard to get everything done around the house and things caught up with my business so that when the nice weather came I could be outside with the doggies and go to parks and on hikes, and I had been working a lot of hours, so instead of spending all that time with Harley I was doing stupid stuff like yard work, ect. If I'd only know I could have let the yard just go and spent that time holding my baby.

A very strange thing happened last night. Yesterday I was putting the new dog licenses on those stupid little metal split ring holders they give you, the ones that always break the nails I don't have. Well all day I was asking Harley to give me a sign of some sort. So I went to bed last night and Dover, Harley's best friend, sleeps with me now was up there. So in the middle of the night I got up to get some water, well when I came back to bed I noticed some spots on the bed, and I wondered what there were, I thought the puppies didn't have dirty paws so then I thought someone might have gotten sick and when I looked furhter it was all of Dover's tags off his collar under where I had been sleeping. I sat there looking at them going how can this be, how did they get there, I looked at each tag and it wasn't broken at the top so they didn't fall off, and Dover still had the metal holder on his collar, but they were all laid out where I was sleeping. Yesterday was also the first day since Harley died that Dover wagged his tail at all. I don't know if that was my sign, but I am desperate for anything so I will take it.

I think the worse part is the emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel that perhaps I can somehow survive and the next I am sobbing horribly. I never know when it's going to hit me again. I've been reading posts on 3 different sites and the depressing part is how long this goes on. People talk in terms of years. I even read some of the spouse loss ones to see if I could gain some insight. It's just so unfair that animals live so much shorter than us unless you own an elephant or a parrot. I have no idea how to find happiness again. I know this isn't what Harley would want for me, I just miss him so much. I still cry at times about my first dog that I lost almost 9 years ago so I know I have quite the road to go. I am trying to take strength from Dover actually and he is the baby of the family, but I figure if he can survive losing his bed friend I can go on. Some times it works, some times it doesn't. I just wish the pain would become tolerable at least. I wish everyone a moment if peace in their journey. Elizabeth

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Elizabeth - I was thinking about you today - wondering how you're doing. I think it's because I can relate to a lot of what you're going through - the living alone and your babies being your family. My Casper has been gone 4 months. In so many ways it feels like that was so long ago - it feels more like years since I held her and kissed that face. The days feel so long sometimes I don't know how I make it through sometimes. On the other hand, I think wow, it's been 4 months. I've survived 4 months, how did that happen? With Chela, it's been 13 and a half months and I have no concept of how I survived it. I too had an accident that compounded my grief. I broke my leg and royally messed up my back. I live in daily pain and I sometime wonder how am I going to survive this too? There are times when I think I really don't want to survive this - I don't like my life right now. The physical pain is sometimes too much and the emotional pain is too much and dealing with both is just overwhelming and I'm hating it -- but I know life can change in an instant - it can change for the good and it can change for the bad -- so it's the hope that it will get better that keeps me pushing forward. I know what you mean about wanting to stay in that place between awake and asleep - where you're not awake enough for reality to be there. I miss that place, I miss my peace but I keep telling myself that I've spent the majority of my life able to access that place of peace, so I know it's there, I just have to push forward to find it. My girls would be so upset knowing that every day I cry for them. They'd be doing all they could to cheer me up - so in my minds eye I imagine them pulling their funny antics on the other side sending me positive energy and love. My minds eye sees them still and I hold onto those memories - they're bitter sweet but they're a treasure to me. I was also thinking about how I've managed this far - trying to dig deep for words of hope and advice. I didn't come up with anything profound really -- just how important it is that you be kind to yourself. Don't let that inner voice torment you with what you should or shouldn't have done. Had you known your time with Harley was so short, you would have spent that time with him instead of working in your yard. So, please don't hurt your own feelings by beating yourself up over it. You loved Harley, he adored you - you would have done anything in you power to help him -- even suffered his pain for him if you could have. So, it's important for you to realize that you were the perfect mama for him. Your best for him was exactly what you did. You did the unselfish thing and let him go -- helped him go and that is a pure, unconditional love - the exact same love he gave to you. For me, it's helped to tell myself and accept that life for awhile is going to suck, I'm going to hurt, I'm going to cry and mourn and fall apart and that's OK. I will keep trying to move forward -- not giving up on life -- but I"m going to let those sad feelings be there for as long as they need to be. Holding them in and denying them only extends the grief. Since it's been so overwhelming for me, I've discovered that if I allow a specific time to spend with those emotions -- letting them out as deep and hard as they need to - it helps my anxiety and my sudden urges to weep and wail not be as intense. It still hits me but I'm trusting myself more about letting the emotions happen--not stuffing them, just holding them in until our specific time together. The park I spent so many hours with Casper in when we were grieving Chela, I go there every day except the days I go to physical therapy. I go there and talk to Casper and Chela and just allow those pent up emotions out. It seems to help. I still talk to my girls, I tell them goodnight every night and tell them I miss them and ask them to watch over me from where ever they are. After Chela died, I found it helpful to write letters to her. I was beginning to write her story - how she came into my life, the funny, frustrating, sad times we spent together. What a source of pure comfort she was when my mom died and how proud of her I was. Then Casper got sick and I spent every moment I could with her. I haven't been able to make myself write about her yet. I can't yet handle those intense emotions. I think what I'm trying to say is you need to do what helps you process your loss. If it's too hard to write, do what I do - say it in your head. I think about her life and remember specifics about her life while I'm on my walks. I always cry but it gets those tears out. Sometimes I can spend a few moments smiling. It's important for you to find an outlet - there are several sites where you can put up memorial pages to honor your boy. You'll find something that helps - it's not going to take it away - it'll just help a little for a short period of time -- but those short moments of reprieve from that sense of profound loss - those little things help you get through the day and right now, just making it through the day is enough. Forget cleaning your house unless cleaning the house helps relieve the stress you feel. Try not to worry about anything that's not vital -- you have to feed your babies, you have to feed yourself. That's what I mean by vital. It's easy to slip into a deep depression -- there's not much right now that matters -- so every day do something good for yourself -- take a walk, go to a movie - even if it is a comedy and all you do is cry. It's important that you get out. Give yourself permission to grieve -- people telling you you should bounce back after a week - they're wrong. Those are unrealistic expectations on yourself. I don't believe that grief is something you get over, it's something you work through. You're different now - an important piece of your life is no longer here with you -- that changes you. Give yourself time to adjust to this new life. Your feelings are yours and you are entitled to feel them for as long as they need to be felt. I'm not suggesting you allow yourself to isolate yourself and curl up in a ball and stop living life. I'm suggesting that if the need to cry hits you every day, go ahead and let yourself cry. You have good reason to cry. Your heart is broken and needs to express that loss. If it were a person you'd lost, no one would expect you to be back to normal after 4 days. Those that expect you to be back to normal after 4 days just have no idea the grief you're going through. My Chela has been gone 13 months now and I'm no where close to being back to normal. The anxiety and I'm going to go insane any second has eased up but I still can't talk about her for very long before I start to cry and then I think about Casper and how she's only been gone 4 months and the shock hits me again and it's so hard to get those emotions back in control -- so I've pretty much given up on that. I just try to hold them in until our afternoon walks. They cry every day. Sometimes it's soft gentle tears, sometimes it's violent painful wailing. I don't let myself think about how long this will last - it's too depressing. I just take one day at a time. I find it less stressful that way, less overwhelming. I just accept that for however long it takes I'll feel this way and then slowly it will get better. I really do hope you'll come on Wed. night to the alln chat. I think you'll find some very understanding people there. You have to pre-register. It's Wed. night 8:30 eastern time. The group is pretty small in comparison to to the other chat. Sometimes there are so many people there you feel lost in it. There are some who've gone through a few years of loss -- they tend to give some hope that healing is possible -- and there are those who are brand new with losses very very recent and then a few in the middle. It's a good place to share-get instant feedback. We often talk about signs from our beloved pets -- like your possible sign with Dover's tags not being on his collar anymore. Every once in awhile I hear Casper's tags jingle. No reason, I'll just hear them jingle. When Chela first died, I often heard her give her I'm right here, pay attention to me cry. I had a really bad case of the flu and thought I was probably hallucinating but it still comforted me.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. I just want you to know you're not really alone. Yes, your grief IS your own and it's something only you can work through - but you're not alone in your journey through it. There ARE people who understand the depth of your grief. it's comforting for me knowing that others understand that I have lost two children and I'm struggling to keep it together. It makes no difference to them that my children walked on all 4s and had fur. My family is gone now and I'm mourning them accordingly. I think you'll find comfort there too. You need support right now - understanding and hope that you will make it through. Sometimes things are said that give hope that you can lean on and it helps you make it one more day. You're one more day closer to healing - think of it that way if it helps.

Sending you BIG HUGS!!

Elizabeth

[Elizabeth149]

PS - about Harley's medications -- you might consider donating them - if there's a shelter or animal adopt center in your area, they're in need of various medications. That's what I did with Casper's medications. I donated them to my vet's adoption center. That way you're not just throwing them away - that felt weird to me but keeping them as reminders wasn't an option either. So, I talked to my vet. I know you're not liking your current vet so you might not want to go there, but there are shelters all over the place that may be able to use what you have.

[bees]

Dear Elizabeth. I am very sorry for your loss. Today is just another sunday in the lifes of so many and to you and me it is a day of the deepest sorrow and pain. Today four weeks ago, I lost my cat Nemo. He was my everything, my companion though the worst and th ebest times in my life. He showed me unconditional love no matter what. Nemo was my best friend and when ever I thought I could'nt go onin life, he was there for me with his loving ways, giving me hope. He cuddled with me saturday night at the age of only seven ( he would have turned seven one week after his death ) and we found him dead the next morning next to my daughters bed. He had gone from us without any reason. He was healthy, had the best food, loved and really well taken care of. Regular vet visits, special healthy treats only the best of everything and he died, without any warning, without any cause. I can not tell you how I feel. I did'nt have a chance to hold him through what ever caused his death, I could'nt reasure him one more time of how much I loved him and I could'nt cuddle him one more time to comfort him and show him how much he meant to me. He was gone and all I am left with is the WHY??? I took him to the Vet the next day, woh told me thathe might have died of a stroke or an a brain bleeding. How this could have happened to a perfectly health cat is not expalinable, but that is the only answer that I got. This has been the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. I do not know how I made it though the last four weeks. All I do is cry, however I can manage to go to work now and when the silly question is asked if I am doing better now, I can pretend to be doing just fine. Which of course is crazy, how could I be doing better or fine, after four weeks. I will never be doing great, I know that, I lost something so dear to my heart, however I know that I will be able to celebrate his life one day without breaking down every time when I think of him. I have done a bunch of little things to help myself get at least to the point where I still feel like I am alive. I have gotten a big pot of self drying caly on the first sunday after I lost my baby and I made my family sit down and every one of us had to make a figurine of our Nemo the way we remebered him the best and the way we loved him the most. I write a journal to him every day, just to tell him how much I love him and what he means to me...yes I use the present tense because those felling are here to stay.... and today, one moth after he had to leave me, I am going to plant a beautyful tree in my back yard that will blume every year in april and I will put a bird bath underneath it, because Nemo loved to watch the birdies in my yard. I also have a guest book webside online for him, where friends from around the world can share pictures and poems about him. All this is been helping me a little bit, it is still unbelivable for me and the tears just keep on flowing wheen I think of him, but I can finally eat and get out of my house again and learn to live with that hole in my heart that will never be filled again. I dont know if I will ever go out there and look for another kitty again, I know there are so many animals that need a good home, but I cant think of anyway that I would'nt try to compair any animal to my Nemo and that would"nt be fair to the New Guy. I have a little doggie here at home that was Nmeos best friend and altough I do love him very much, he is not my Nemo, who was my soulmate aon four furry legs, he is a sweety but if I feel that way about him, how would I feel about a new kitty ?The time is just not right and might never be. I will understand you and everything you are going through, today and in the future. If you need someone to talk to, let me know. It helps to cry to someone that understands and that loves our furry friends more than some humans..... sorry to say that....I am sending you all my love in this time of sorrow. Dont give up, you will get through this, it will take time and effort, but you do survive it and you will be a stronger person for it. With lots of Love for you and you Angel in Heaven... Bee !!!!!

[nwnightowl]

Hi Bee,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean I hate Sunday now, I feel like every Sunday for the rest of my life is going to be torture. I hate even waking up in the morning, because as soon as I am wide awake I start crying again. I am so sorry that your Nemo was taken away so suddenly. That's how I feel about Harley, I knew he had health issues but none of his vets ever told me it could change so quickly. I felt so unprepared, so robbed. It has been a week and I am still in total shock. Instead of getting easier each day gets harder. I don't know how anyone survives this kind of pain. I had wanted to take him to the beach but didn't get the chance. I have tried to do something physical each day just to move, my therapist told me walking would help, well it did for a day or two but I have learned how to multi-task, I can cry and cook, cry and mow the lawn, cry and do chores, cry and walk the dogs, cry and take a shower, for the life of my I can't stop crying. I feel like someone split my chest open and yanked out my heart and broke it in half like a twig. I live alone with my other doggies. It is good you have some family. I only have one human family member left and they live 3000 miles away. I feel so utterly and totally alone. The urns I ordered for Harley arrived yesterday and I don't have the nerve to even open the box. I've never ordered urns before I have no idea what to expect. He hasn't been cremated yet, I am having a really hard time with that. I've never done that either. I plan to move next year so I don't want to bury him and leave him but I don't find comfort in the whole cremation thing either. I wish I had one ounce of hope that it will someday get better. I lost my first dog almost 9 years ago and somehow I did get through it but I have no idea how. I find it hard to believe that a person can endure this kind of pain and survive. I'm so tired of going out to a store and having cashiers go "how is your day today?" I never know what to say so I try to mumble something to appease them. I have a friend who every day asks if I am better, it's driving me nuts, no I'm not better, after 4 days she expected me to have bounced back. I feel like the lowest life form on the planet, I have so much guilt about everything. I had read this stupid article once that pets like it quiet when they are dying, so at the very end I just held him I stopped talking, I should have told him I loved him a few more times, what if the article was wrong, what if he wondered what happened, I wonder about every decision I made, I am driving myself insane and I can't stop. I literally don't have the words for how much I miss him. I would sell my soul to have him back, the thought of having to stay on earth for so many years until I see him again is torture. How are we going to get through this? In 3 minutes it will have been a week since he died. He always rode in the front passenger seat of my car, I keep looking over there expecting to see him. I look at pictures and it just sends me into total meltdown mode. He was just one of those rare ones that you bond with on such a deep deep level. I had so wanted him to make it to his next birthday in June so I could have another party for him. Last year I had one at a local park for him. 1 more minute. He's been gone a week now. All I see in my future are endless days of crying. Then I feel badly because I know this isn't what he would want, he wouldn't want me in so much pain, yet I don't know how to be otherwise. It's so very very hard. I am sending you love and lots of hugs, maybe Harley and Nemo will cross paths up in Heaven, hang in there, I have been reading a lot of grief boards this week and people say it does get better, I just wish I knew when. Elizabeth

[bees]

Dear Elizabeth,

When I read your Message It sounds like I could have written it. I completly understand everything you are going through. I still cry constantly and I also did not know if the idea with the cremation was the best one. However I did decide on cremation, as I felt comfort in knowing that he will be with me for the rest of my life and when I do have to leave this place someday, I can have him burried with me. I have his urne in a special place on top of a little table in my bedroom and I can sometimes hold it and talk to it. But it is not really the comfort I was looking for, its still too hard for me to look at pictures and his urne and not completly break down. It has gotten a bit better, which is surprising, as I never thought things could ever get betteer again. I have found the only comfort in being able to talk to people that felt the same way about their furry friends and even here you will always think that your relation ship to your dear baby was more special than theirs. And do not feel guilty about that, it was. What you felt for your baby and the relationship you had with him is something so unique and special and even if others say " oh i know what you are talking about, i love my baby too.." It is not the same. nobody knows how special your bond was and the things you two went through together, you can only get the comfort from knowing that there are people out there, that had a unique bond too, but nit the same as yours. That is what makes it so hard, that is what causes that pain, it was a once in a lifetime kind of a relationship and to fill that hole that it has left behind is unimaginable. But believe me, one day it will get better, not so much after only four weeks, but even after only this short time you will be able to control your emotions a bit better. You can manage to at least feel like your are going on with your life. You have to stop worring about your last moments together. He knew what kind of love you felt for him, he knew he was loved by you with all his heart and that is all that matters. You were with him and held him in his final moments of his little life and that is what is important and you have to find comfort in that. Who is to say what is right and what is the wronfg thing to do, you do what you believe is best and you did that. You held him and with that you showed him how much you loved him and he felt that and that comforted him and that is what is what counts. Actions spaek louder than words.... Remeber that. I can only tell you that it does help to get out there when the sun is shining and go for a walk and even if you do cry the whole time, let your tears flow, it is actually good for you. It releases some kind of a Hormon that helps the griefing process. Dont try to analyse everthing you ever did and if it was time well spant or not, just take little steps every day. Make it through a mornning and than be proud of yourself and go for the next step, make it through the afternoon and again be proud of that accomplishment and so on. Little steps will lead to bis steps and everyday you might have some set backs but you are learning from them and when you have a complet meltdown, remind yourself how you had it through your last meltdown and how you managed to make it through that one and that you will make it though this one too. You will survive and you will find joy again in little things and if you need to cry, cry but do try to replace your negative thought with anything else that will occupie your mind. Everytime when you feel like a negative thought is making its way onto your mind, say out loud " STOP" and change your thought process. You have to do this so that you can learn to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. We will get through this, I promise you. One day you will be able to celebrrate Harleys life and until then I will be here for you. And yes, I do believe that our babys cross over that rainbow bridge and are having a wonderful life with all their new friends and one day we will see them again.... I am sending you all my love, you can do this, you just have to learn to believe in yourself again. Have a wonderful day and write to me when things get too much, dont ever give up hope.... BEES.

[nwnightowl]

Hi Bees,

Thank you for the reply. I feel fortunate to have connected with a few folks on some of the discussion boards because I have never felt so completely and totally alone. Yesterday as you know was 1 week since Harley died and not one of my friends said anything. I used to live on the east coast and plan to move back next year, I am like a fish out of water over here, I am so completely isolated. I don't know where to find hope. I just hate waking up in the morning because it means the crying will start again and my neck muscles are actually sore from crying so much. It gets harder every day. When I look at pictures of Harley I have a total meltdown. I can't imagine not holding him again, or having him boss me around. I hate being in the car because his seat is empty. I am still in total shock that he is gone. If someone had told me at the beginning of April this is where I would be in a month I wouldn't have believed them. I feel like I am caught in some surreal hell where nothing makes sense. It has been a brutal 17 months for me with bad news after bad news and I just don't know how much I can take. He left so suddenly, don't get me wrong in a million years I wouldn't want him to have suffered it just such a total shock. On top of that we are having bad spring storms so it just keeps raining. I thought I would find more comfort in my other puppies but I don't. It's not their fault they are trying. One comes and guards me when I cry, another sits on my chest. I miss Harley so much it is hard to breathe at times. My business is failing, I need to sell my house and I don't feel like I can do anything. I was looking at pictures this morning and right before he got sick things just looked so normal, he looked like regular Harley. I was trying to think back to when my first fur baby died almost 9 years ago and figure out what was different and all I have been able to come up with is I had friends back then. I've had some really horrible luck recently and I don't know how to turn things around. Nothing seems to work. One of my other doggies does agility, he just loves his jumps, well he has done 2 trials and he was at the vet and he may have a back issue which would mean no more agility, that was my funnest thing in life. Plue he has to go to the place with the specialists which is where Harley went and I don't even want to go in the building. Sleep is the only peace I get so I have been sleeping later and later in the day. Or I will get up and let the dogs out and then go back to bed. I found an interesting section on another site called "Refelctions of Time". It's on http://in-memory-of-pets.com in that section people tell how things are going down the road. I've found it helpful because I find it hard to believe people actually survive. After my first dog Windsor died I thought I would never be able to love so deeply again but I found Harley and my other dogs, so I try keep going because there might be another Harley or Windsor out there that I fall for some day. I do a little bit of jack russell rescue and out of the 100's I see online very few speak to my heart. Harley was supposed to be a 4-6 week foster when his previous owner had to move and didn't want to put him in the kennel. Well it's a long story but I ended up adopting him, but she would come visit occassionally and we kept in touch. I had to tell her that he died. And her life is just falling apart right now as well and all her friends wrote such nice things about him on her facebook page and I just feel such guilt at not being able to keep him going for her. I feel like I ruined the poor girl's life, even though I did all I knew to do, it just wasn't enough, I keep thinking if I had had a different vet or done something sooner or better it would have been different. Well I guess since it is almost 3:00 here getting dressed might be a good start. I hope your week is off to a good start. I guess at some point I need to make some decisions about what to do regarding the cremation issue, today just doesn't seem like the day though. I clipped a little piece of his fur off while he was still here so at least that is something tangible. I just wish I could stop crying, I don't think I have every cried so much in my life. Thank you for the support, Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Hi Other Elizabeth,

I just wrote you a long message and my computer wigged out and erased it so I will repost later today. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today and hoping your week is starting off better. Elizabeth

[bees]

Hey there Elizabeth, now is probably not the right time for you to have to make some of those decisions in your life. When something so painful and devasteting happens in our lifes, we only se the sorrow and the pain and our outlook towards life is clouded by all that and we feel like there will never be a tomorrow with laughter and hope and sunshine again. Godh i sound like I know it all, believe me I dont. But my life has not been easy and I have learned that somewhere along the way, there is some light at the end of that tunnel. I have always been an extrem animal lover. I have rescued so many cats and dogs, I can't even count them. My husband is in the Military and we have been staioned all over the world and everywhere we have ever been to, I ended up rescuing animals that were left behind by other military familys. SOmehow I ended up with four cats through those years and one of them was my special Nemo cat. We got Nemo on our last tour in Germany and we just had to learn to fit in with the other three rescue cats. So we moved back to the States six years ago with all of our babys and things were going ok even though I was very homesick, as I am german and I missed my family and friends. However I had my cats and of course I had my Nmeo, who turnes out to be like my little furry soulmate. The other three cats were already a good bit older than Nemo and so we ended up adopting a little Maltess puppy that had survived a puppy mill and became Nemos best friend. See Nemo was more like a dog, than a cat.Anyways, then my Mister Tibbs started getting sick and eventually had to leave this place behind in Sep.08. I had to put him down after numerous failed attempts to cut some serious Tumor out of him. I had done everything that I could think of and nothing helped and in the end I had to make the decision to let him go and I cant even tell you how hard that was for me, because I didnt know if it was the right thing to do and if it was the right time to do it. He was still completly aware of everything mentally and he was still cuddeling with me at the vate office and purring and I was suppose to put him down ? Here you are, who held your baby in your arms and gave him comfort by being there and being quiet and calm and here I was freaking out, hysterical and crying and screaming that I didnt wan tto let him go. Running in and out of the office to get air, as i was having some sever panic attacks. So here is my baby scared to death and his mommy is running out of the room, cause I couldnt stand being in there, I did eventually go back in but I was such a mess, that I couldnt even tell him how much he meant to me, I was only thinking about myself. It was pure Hell. It took so long for me to be able to forgive myself, but the relazation came to me, that he was sick and I did the only thing that he would have wanted me to do, let him go when the pain was too much. I had him cremated and that was so helpful. I was able to get comfort by caring his urne around and keeping some of his favorite things close by, however I had Nemo to comfort me and that was a big help. Then this feb. I had to put Mia my baby girl to sleep, as she was dying of cancer. She had breast cancer and I had put her through so many surgerys and in the end the cancer took over her lungs and she was suffocating. It was so sad, but I had learned from my mistakes with Mister Tibbs and I stayed with her and just held her and did what you did, by just being there I gave her all my love and when she had fallen asleep, I gave her some kisses and told her that I loved her and I do not know if she still heard me, probably not, but she knew that I did this out of love for her.Again, I came home with my little Urne in my hands and I put it next to Mister Tibbs Urne and felt comfort in knowing that the two are together. And again, I had my Nemo and he was still so young and I had all this time left with him and of course he always made me feel better.But that is not what was planned for the two of us. He cuddled with me saturday night, April 03'rd and on easter morning he layed next to my daughters bed, curled up looking like he was sleeping, but he had died. No health problems, no reason, nothing. I did not get a chance to tell him one more time that I loved him , no more holding him one more time, because I though I had all these years left with him. I took him to the Vet, but in order for them to determine what could have been the real cause of his death, they would have had to cut him open and I just couldnt do that to him. He looked like he was just sleeping and I didnt want to envision him any other way, so I went with this lame excuse that it could have been a stroke or any other barin issue. Gosh I hate that I didnt get a real answer because I still believe that I did something wrong. What did I miss? What if I did something like used the wrong cleaning supplies and I killed him? I felt this quilt and I still do, but I cant change anything and I can only hope that he knew how much he meant to me. I had him cremated and before they took him away fron me I also cut off some of his fur, to have somthing left of him. I went with the cremation because it had helped me with the other two, but I cant say if it has been as helpful as it had the time before. I only know that if I ever have to move again, I do not want to leave my babay behind. He was and always will be my furry soulmate and even though I still have one more cat left and of course Nemos best friend Max, nothing comes close to the bond me and this silly kitty cat had. I take care of the two that are left with me, I give them the love they deserve and I will do anything to make their lives happy ones, and I know it sounds unfair, but I will never be able to feel for them, what I felt for my Nmeo. Shortly after< i got told that my job will be terminated because of budget cuts and a lot of things are happening that I cant really deal with too well because of Nmeos death, however I did realize that that is life and the only reason why everything looks so dark right now is, because I am analyzing my life in the darkest hours possible. There will be other jobs, There will be tomorrows but no big time decisions should be made while you feel like your world is coming to an end around you. I have learned that when you sit back and try to make sense of your life during hard times and sad time, everything will look like their will never be anything to live for. And the way you feel right now, it is surely the wrong time to look back at your life and you what you have going for yourself. So take your time, if you can, start enjoying just little things and stop feeling bad for anything you are feeling or doing. If you stay in bed until three in the afternoon, than do that and when you get up be proud that you did indeed get up. Those are the first steps, you might not look at it as an accoplishment, but it is. You can only remeber your life as it was before, but that is gone now and it will take some time to get back to that and for now you have to be proud of just the little stupid accoplisments that do not look like much, but they are steps to something better. You have to tell yourself that you will make it one step at a time. You made it out of bed and hell yah you should be proud of that.... Seriously, start writing down things like that, when you go to bed tonight, write down three things that you managed today and even if they are the most ordinary things, write them down and tomorrow do the same. Again those are the little steps to a normal life that will happen again one day. Write down things that made you happy, nothing material, just things like seing a beautyful cloud in the sky, seeing a flower blume.... anything that gets your mind of things for a little while, those are the things that will eventually help you find the beauty in life again. I have my struggels, but I need to remind myself, that i am in charge of my thoughts and I can change them if they are too sad. I can make myself stop if they take me to dark places. I know that if a freak like me, whohas some serious anxiety issues can find some peace in life again, anybody can. Believe me, I have been there and done that and you will be able to get though this too. You are much stronger than you think you are. Someone that can move across this country and start a new life and even though it moight have not worked out the way you wanted it to, you did all that and those are accomblishments that you now need to remeber to find your strenght and your believe in yourself again. I hope I can help you a bit, you might think I am a total nut, but believe me my dear Elizabeth , life is worthliving even though you might not fel that way right now. Love, Bees !!!!

[nwnightowl]

I have been meaning to post some replies but the last few days have been really rough. Today the world is just more than I can handle, I didn't get up until 2. I ordered some books yesterday on pet loss, I don't have a lot of faith they will help but I ordered them anyway. I also found something neat via fb, prayer flags for pets, like the ones they put up on Mt. Everest, I ordered a set for Harley. http://www.prayersonthewind.com/ I am starting to feel really sick, all my muscles hurt from crying and I think 11 days of straight crying is starting to take a toll. I don't sleep well anymore, I toss and turn. Everyone keeps saying it will get better, I am not convinced. That's about it for me today. Oh the prayer flag site has a really good book resources list as well. Hang in there everyone, Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Hi Elizabeth149,

I was just wondering how you are doing this week. The past few days have been really hard so I haven't been online as much. I think it's funny that we both have the same first name and both have a Casper. My Casper came from a shelter in Florida where you got one day to be adopted, and if no one got you on your day too bad. There used to be a web site for terrier rescue and I saw him on there and flew over to get him. At first they weren't going to let me take him out of state because he had heartworm disease but I finally managed to work my way up the chain of command and adopt him. Then I flew him back under the seat. In reality he is a little big to be under the seat and he barked half way back across the country. I felt like somewhere over Denver they were about to open the door and say OK you two jump. The guy sitting next to me was a saint, poor Casper had no idea what was going on. I am still convinced that in the back halls of Delta somewhere is a picture of him with the caption "Never let this dog on a plane again."

I am starting to get some physical symptoms from all the stress and grief. I spoke to soon, I now have trouble sleeping, but once I get to sleep I never want to get up. Sleep is the only recourse I have so I have been staying in bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I visited the chat room at ALLN this week, it was a very good group, I liked it much better than my other chat room, I just have to remember the time difference. The guilt continues to eat at me. To make matters worse I went online and googled my vet and they got horrible reviews. The specialist where Harley ended up was A+ but my regular vet did not score well so I am looing for a new one. I figure one of the reasons I like nights is I feel like I can cross off another day and I am one day closer to seeing Harley again. It is horrible to want to wish your life away. Everytime I think of all the days and years without him to come, I just melt. I have a lump in my neck that I have to get checked out, I can't decide if I am hoping it is cancer or hoping it isn't.

It's like the universe came and sucked out a part of the household and now we are stuck in this awful vacuum with no way to change the dynamic. I still haven't decided what to do about Harley's body, I finally got enough nerve to open the box the urns came in, but I wasn't thrilled with them. I just don't feel like I can hand him over to a group of strangers. I just feel like I am drowning is despair and there is nothing to hold on to. I go to see a therapist every week but in reality there isn't much she can say, nothing will make this any better, I just want my Harley back.

I ordered 2 pet grief books to try and I orderd Harley some prayer flags to hang outside. The theory is when the wind blows through them they carry your love and prayers and thoughts into the universe for the lost pet. Anyway, how are things going at your end? How are your fosters? I am not strong enough to do fosters, I've tried twice and they both ended up staying. Well I hope your week is going well. Everyone just keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. Take care, Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Hi Bees,

I was just wondering how you were doing? In addition to Sunday I also hate Thursdays and Saturdays. They are both days that Harley got sick towards the end. I like Wednesdays as that is the day he got to come home. I still can't believe he isn't ever going to be here again. The car is the worse part, expecting to see him in the passenger seat all the time. I tired putting Dover in it and he didn't like it, he's used to his crate. I went to the chat at ALLN last night, it was a very nice group, I'm going to try to go each week. It was better than the other chat I had tried. I just feel like I am going to cry every day for the rest of my life. About this time each week I start dreading the coming of Sunday, I wish I could just take a pill and sleep through each Sunday. It's only been a week and a half and I have no concept of ever being happy again. I just want to be with him so badly, I feel like I am just marking off days until I see him again. It feels like a prison sentence, like oh in 40 years we will set you free and you can see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to be so sad, I just can't help it.

How is your week going? At least it stopped raining here for a bit, it had been raining for days. I just hate myself for every little thing I feel I did wrong. It's a horrible feeling. Well I hope you are hanging in there. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Take care, Elizabeth

[bees]

My dear Elizabeth, I am just happy to hear from you. I was worried about you and I didnt know if had annoyed you with my last message. I read about the books you ordered and the prayer flags and i think those are some great ideas. It is a start as it is telling me that you are trying to find ways to get the healing process started. I have had my good days and my bad days, but even the good ones are still filled with tears. I am getting better though, or at least I am telling myself that it is getting easier. I never thought that I would ever be able to say that, I miss my baby more than words could ever describe and if I could only hold him one more time, I would give years of my life for that moment of "one more times", but I guess I am starting to get to that point where I am sadly realizing that there will never be another one more time.I can manage to control myself a lot better at work and I dont even get upset anymore when people ask if I am doing better now. I know they mean well, but it is not worth it for me to explain that there is no feeling better now, after only four weeks. They wouldnt understand anyways. I find it amazing that some people tell me that they know exatly how I am feeling as they had lost a pet too, but I dont believe that. I am not saying that I am special, however my relationship to my baby was special and the way I felt connected to him, the bond we had, is something that only a few people will ever experience in their life time. I know that that is the kind of relationship you had with your Harley and that is why I feel your pain. I have been doing a lot of things lately to keep myself occupied and to send Nemo my love. I have told you that I have a journal in which I write to my baby everyday. I have a Guestbook web side for him in which I can send him daily messages and so can all my friend from around the world. It is really beautyful as people post pictures for him and send him sweet messages and we talk about how all of our furry friends are playing together somewhere over the rainbow bridge. I offically hate sundays and every 04 th of every month, but this past tuesday was Nemos first month since he had to leave me and I didnt want to be just sad that day, so as it finally got a little warmer here in Colorado, I went outside and planted a really pretty tree in my backyard in his memory. I bought a little birdbath that I put next to the tree and planted some flowers underneath it. I felt some real serenity while I was doing that, because I kept on thinking about my baby and how I will now always have a place to go to to be with him. I cant tell you what is the best way to grief in a "healthy" way. You are doing the best you can for right now and just by writing to others and sharing your sorrow with people that understand you, you are making the first steps. You might not believe it now, but the sadness does fly away on the wings of time, you will never forget your baby, but you will get to that point where you want to celebrate his life. You just need to make sure that this grief is not taking over your life completly, you have to find a way to stop yourself from it making you sick. You need to stay bussy, get out and even if it is just for a short time, go on a walk. If you cry the whole time, then cry, but force yourself to get outside. Do anything physical,try to exhaust yourself, I know you feel weak from crying, but you have to get active. Dont stay in bed after you wake up, that only gives you time to feel sorrow. Get up and plan something for that day, get some clay and get creative, make a figurin of Harley or try to write poetry for him. Do not let these days take away your reason for living. The tide does go out, but it will always come back in. I know it sounds silly, but that is the only thing that is helping me right now, to read positive encouraging literatur. Some is pretty stupid, but I take the best parts from it and make it my motto for the day. Somehow it is giving me hope and I know that that is what my baby would have wanted. He was so full of life and he would be so sad if he felt like he is the cause for my missery. I wish I could help you some more, I wish I could take that pain away from you, but I still believe that You will get through this and you will find happiness again and one day you will look back at this sad time in your life and you will be able to smile and think of your Baby the way he would have wanted you to remember him. Till that time comes you are always welcome to write to me and if you want to I can give you my e mail adr. and you can talk to me anytime you want to..... You will get through this, I promise you.... Good night, Elizabeth, your friend bees !!!!!

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Elizabeth,

It is interesting that we both have the same name and a dog named Casper. I got a little chuckle when you said when flying over Denver you thought they'd say "You two jump" because poor Casper was barking most of the time. I used to live in Denver.

I know you're in a very dark place - I'm still there myself and there are times throughout the day when I think I just want to die and get it over with -- but like it was said in another post - you take baby steps and the smallest, most ordinary things are accomplishments and it's important to acknowledge that they're accomplishments. If I didn't have anxiety attacks, I'd stay in bed most of the time I think. Sleep used to be my refuge before last year happened. If things got bad, I'd escape into my imagination, fall asleep and wake up feeling a little better. Now I don't have that. For some reason some switch has been triggered off in my brain and sleep isn't something my body wants to do. Most days I don't feel like I'm surviving - it's more like just existing. I'm on auto pilot and then the turbulance of grief hits and I'm a wreck. However, it does start to ease -- time won't heal what you're feeling. I learned that when my mom died that time didn't help heal -- those wounds don't really heal, but time does help you adapt and at first adapting to this surreal life is what we do. I'm sure you're physically having issues due to your grief - I know I am. The body and mind are very much tied together. Ideally, a significant other can help by holding you and just letting your cry but I know like me you're single. So, hug on your other babies. Touch right now is important. When Chela died 13 months ago, I just started hugging friends. I'm not a big hugger with most people, but I needed the hugs, so I just hugged friends when I'd see them. I still do when I can. Take warm baths - they will help with all the tight muscles. If you can afford it, I'd recommend going in for a massage or two. It's hard to reach out but it will help if you do.

Which books did you order? "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" brought me a little comfort. Others just made me cry -- but crying is OK. Right now, your heart is broken and it can only express that sadness through tears. Writing helps too - writing letters to your baby or writing letters from your baby to yourself helps get the grief out - even some of the guilt. Your Harley doesn't hold any ill will to you - dogs just aren't that way - but I know you feel guilt. I don't think it'd be normal NOT to hold onto some grief - what we did or didn't do. When Chela died, I had Casper to hold onto and comfort me. She was my only constant source of comfort. I got very ill, and in June, I broke my leg and I thought I'd go insane. Here I was needing to keep busy so that I didn't hurt so much and I broke my leg and I couldn't do anything but sit. Sitting was painful because in the fall, I hurt my back. But, I had that time with Casper. Looking back, I'm actually thankful for that time I had with Casper. Spending every minute of every day with her even if we did nothing but sit outside in the sunshine, had I not been hurt, I wouldn't have had that extra time with her. When she got sick I thought I'd die. I still feel like sometimes the grief is just going to kill me. I don't really want to die, but I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life either. My back hasn't healed - I'm in daily pain and that compounds the problem for me. I'm always either crying because my spirit is so broken or because my body feels so broken. I hurt physically and emotionally and I'm struggling just to keep pushing forward. I often force myself to just push what I'm feeling away so that i can make it through the day. A day hasn't passed since March '09 that I haven't cried. Some days the tears are gentle and don't last long, others the tears are a day long event that I can't seem to stop. Casper's been gone 4 months and every day I miss her. But, to give you some hope, the intensity does ease up. The crying jags ease up. This weekend is a tough one for me. My mom died in '96 so I don't have a mother to celebrate. In '98 my dog Coco was poisoned and though she did make it to Monday, she pretty much left me on Sunday - Mother's Day. 5 years ago on Mother's day my brother died. It's just a hard holiday and this will be my first without Casper. The first of everything seems to be hard -- every first day of something is hard without them. I know what you mean about just marking another day off being closer to seeing Harley again because I often feel that way. Instead of saying one day closer to seeing them again, I make myself say one day closer to not hurting so much. I agree with Bees - making decisions right now is a bad idea. When you're in total darkness, all you can see is darkness. It's not always going to be this dark. I know it's hard to see that because like I said, you're in a very dark place. I chose to have my girls all cremated so that I could have their ashes. Two of them are in really nice boxes with their names engraved on the front. Coco is in an urn. I like the boxes better. Having them as reminders is hard - I still can't look at them without breaking into tears - but if I were to move I'd want them with me and when you bury them, that's not a possibility. When I die, they will be buried with me.

I missed you at the ALLN chat. I went earlier but by around 9:30 (EDT) I couldn't sit anymore. My back was just killing me. I can usually only last about an hour. I'm glad you found some comfort there - it does help a lot to talk about what you're feeling - even the darkest emotions (like wanting to die to be with them now instead of waiting all those years). I hope you'll keep going - it will help give you support that you might not get otherwise. Moving through this grief is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Accepting life as it is right now is almost unbearable. Let people help you, give their suggestions a try. Even if things only help a little bit or for an hour - every little tiny bit helps get you through it. You do what you need to to make it through the day. Eventually, the weight of the grief will ease up. You'll always miss Harley. Love doesn't die but the grief of him not being here with you physically will ease. It's just going to take a long time. Hard as it is to accept, you can expect to feel this way for awhile. If you were "over it" it wouldn't feel right. It's only been a few days really. Life can change quickly for the good too - your heart will heal - you won't be the same person but you will heal. You'll rebuild your life when you're ready to. Just give yourself credit for not burning down the house and for getting up long enough to feed the dogs. Baby steps. Don't worry about tomorrow or how you may or may not feel tomorrow. Just worry about right now and healing your heart. If that means spending the day in your pajamas then so be it. But it is important that you not isolate yourself - make yourself get out once a day - even if it's just to walk around the block crying your head off - it's important to get out. Please hang in there and be kind to yourself. Talk to you soon. -- Elizabeth

[nwnightowl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I know what you mean about Mother's day. My Mom died in '99 and it seems like there are just an ambush of ads on this year, everywhere I look, the tv, radio, my inbox, everyone wants me to celebrate Mother's day. I am sorry for your other losses. I'm glad you had that time with Casper. I am so mad at myself, I had been working really hard all winter to get ahead so I could spend time with the puppies in the summer when the weather is nice instead it just took me away from Harley during his last months here. I am so mad at myself about so many of the decisions I made. Even during his last two weeks I had to move some stuff out of storage to save money and that is time I could have had with him. I so agree with Bees that I would give anything to be able to hold him again. A customer of mine sent me a really lovely piece that someone sent her when she lost her dog last October. I will repost it here, but be warned it will make you cry, at least it did me. I try to walk my other dogs every day, usually crying along the way. I so wish I had a significant other to hold onto at night or when the pain is too much. I'm trying but every day just seems to get harder and harder. I know we are all going to hate this Sunday, I wish there was something I could say that would make it better. I ordered the Cold Noses book and one other, I can't remember the name of it. Hang in there guys, somehow we need to go on, Elizabeth

I will attach the piece. The little orange boy stopped.doc

[MartyT]

Elizabeth, dear ~ Your story about the little orange boy has left me in tears. Where in the world did you find it? It is absolutely priceless. Thank you so much for bringing it to all of us!

I want to leave all of you with this thought this weekend:

Happy Mothers' Day to all moms, including those whose babies shed on the furniture.

~ taken from a newsletter received from Best Friends Animal Society

[nwnightowl]

Hi Marty,

I cried through the whole thing. I own an online store and I put up a notice that the store was closed for a while due to a family emergency and one of my dearest custombers emailed me to say she hoped everything was OK and we got to talking and she lost her dog last Oct. and someone sent it to her so she shared it with me. It's one I had never heard before, I did smile about the extended warrenty, so sad and so true. I am glad you enjoyed it. I heard a good quote the other day, "Death ends the life not the relationship", I haven't been able to absorb it yet, because selfishly I want my Harley back with me, I also heard "An angle's destiny is to return home", that made me cry too. But then mowing the grass makes me cry. Hope you have a happy Mother's Day as well. Elizabeth